Bombadil pitches ad scheme

By Gagred the Phat

OLD FOREST - A frumpled-looking Tom Bombadil announced to the press today his intentions to purchase Moira's available advertisement space. "I haven't been sleeping well. The stress of the off-season can be hell. Nothing is ever as it seems, especially when you have some funky dreams," Bombadil sang. Bombadil, who is not under psychiatric care, has admitted to having strange dreams about a world not quite unlike our own, where there also are major league teams competing for renown. Like our own league, there also exists things such as curses, one of which has apparently plagued one team there for the better half of a century. "Without a single hope, they never win the big one, leaving players and fans alike to sit and mope, but with a single blessing from we Tolkein friends, they perhaps can finally defeat the goat," he continued.

Bombadil then revealed the advertisement he hopes Moria will carry. It read, "Go Cubs, 2004 is THE year!"

"Who these Cubs are I do not know. But with our blessing, into bears they will grow. Bless them now while there's still time. Help me regain my sense of rhyme!"

To pay for the advertisement, Bombadil is willing to allow Moira to advertise for free in Shire Greens Field, home of the Merry Fellows. Also, Bombadil will officially recognize Moira's new owner as the single greatest woman in Tolkien history, and will compose a song about her unparallelled in its beauty and worth.

A spokesperson for the Moria Miners announced that Tom Bombadil’s offers are under consideration. Otho Sackville-Baggins, of Sackville Baggins & Sons Realty, had this to say:

"While we are pleased to have received an offer on the property so soon after listing, we felt it only fair to announce the pricing schedule to the entire league. We also took this time to consult with the reigning Queen of Lethargy and owner of the Moria Miners concerning her demands for the space."

Bran spoke candidly about her goals for the ad space. "I have chosen to list a set of demands for the space, rather than going with a traditional cash trade. I know what I want, and I want all that I can get. Competitive team owners are invited to make offers in addition to the demands I have set forth; and, it should be known, I am not above making a thieves bargain." The ad space will feature a billboard-like rotation. Blocks of time will be granted at the following prices:

1 week: an ode in honor of Bran, posted on forums
3 weeks: an ode in honor of Bran, posted on forums, plus free advertising for the Moria Miners at your clubhouse, (equivalent to one week's run)
Entire 2007 Season: an ode in honor of Bran, plus your collaboration on any taunting and pranking of Sgt. Grump for the length of the season. Absolute confidence and secrecy is required—the buyer must sign an oath in blood.

"Any offers that can top what I've set forth will be entertained," said Bran. "Any parties with a ready set of ideas for exploiting Grump will be seriously considered."

Sgt. Grump remained unavailable for comment.

Posted at September 30, 2004 04:02 PM | more from Old Forest