Madness in Moria?

By Lobelia Hardbottle

MORIA - The press huddle together in the gloom of Balin's Tomb after being summoned by team owner, Brandelion of Lethargy. Bran has offered no clues about the subject of the press conference, and representatives of the team have been maddeningly tight-lipped. Excited speculation fills the air. The noise of our chatter lifts through the emptiness of the halls, echoing off the towering stone columns around us. Suddenly, a hush falls over the crowd and all eyes turn to a makeshift podium placed where a single shaft of light falls. Brandelion of Lethargy, resplendent in her stately white finery, as pure as moonlit snow, takes the stand.

"Esteemed guests and members of the press, welcome to the Halls of Moria, home of the Moria Miners. I'll keep this simple and brief, because I know you all like it that way, and I wouldn't want to muddle some of our Orc companions with scary big words," Bran pauses, allowing for a few snickers from the crowd. "As you know, the Miners have undergone some big changes since I took the helm, and my plans are to continue in that fashion. This week, things will be no different. I am not one to sugar-coat a situation, so I will just give it to you plainly."

We members of the press lean forward, pushing closer to the podium. A knife could easily cleave the tension in the room. After a pause, Brandelion continues. "The current, or shall I say, former management of the team were found to be inept; incompetent. They have been sacked. When I say sacked, I do not mean merely out of a job. I'll allow you to use your imaginations to fill in the blanks."

Not a sound comes from my colleagues, or I. The legendary long dark of Moria seems to close around us.

"They have been replaced. All of them. The coaching, the scouting, the managerial duties will now be maintained by this woman, and this woman alone. Esteemed guests, noble members of the press, I give to you BranMorda."

Only then do we see the woman who has stood quietly at Brandelion's right this whole time. She is draped in black, the darkest hues of purple, and wears a single, tear-shaped pendant on a silver crown. Her eyes are dismal and blank.

Around me, my colleagues squirm in their seats. Slowly, calculatedly, BranMorda takes the stand. After several long, empty minutes, she speaks.

"I relish the opportunity to whip this team," BranMorda states coldly.

"Whip this team into shape," Brandelion hastily interjects. Her interruption is met with only stony silence from BranMorda. "On that note, I'd like to express my gratitude that so many of you have been able to come today. I know you will speak favorably of the Miners new team manager, BranMorda. That's capital B-r-a-n- capital M-o-r-d-a."

"Questions!" I cried, waving my quill. "Will you answer a few questions?! Where does BranMorda hail from? What are her plans for the team?"

An explosion of questions erupted around me, but it was to no avail. Brandelion of Lethargy only raised one slender hand to silence us, and vanished into the dark with the formidable BranMorda.

Wild rumors and speculations immediately began to develop. Is BranMorda a relative of the High Queen of Lethargy? How did she find her way into such a rank of power within the league? Has Brandelion been possessed of an evil we dare not dream of? Later, I did my best to coax information from people connected to Moria, including Brandelion’s sig space realtors, Otho & Lotho Sackville-Baggins.

"We have no comment," said Lotho Sackville-Baggins. "We don't want nothing to do with this."

Team members, though still candid on other subjects, carefully avoided the issue. Newly named team leader Bagdreg the Hated was the only player willing to speak with me on the subject.

"We are happy with our new team manager BranMorda," Bagdreg said mechanically. "We have no further comment." This from a normally outspoken player, an orc who, it has been said, has a faster mouth than his pitching arm. It all seems too suspicious to me. This reporter asks, what is this madness in Moria? When will we know the real story?

Posted at October 12, 2004 06:12 PM | more from Moria