Riots in Moria after Promotion Day Mixup

by by Hargolas Wood-Elf

MORIA - It began as another day of glorious baseball within the halls of Moria on 20 Astron (S.R.), but it ended in blood, with as many as two dozen deaths after a promotional mixup left fans who had been expecting free gold with the taut, harsh leather of Orc Headgear. Thousands of fans arrived the night before the game, lining up for miles in order to be the first at the gates to ensure that they received the free gold promised by Moria's spokeshobbit, Morning Glory Boffins, in the second volume of the Mithril Post. Some fans even cut out of work for the chance. "'Ere now, I wuz expectin' free goald! I took th' day off, I did!" exclaimed Hagrid Orchorror. "But this ain't no free goald, this ain't hardly nothin'! I coulda made this stankin', wretched helm meself, I could!"

Orchorror was the first fan in line that day, having begun waiting since before the game on the previous day, also against the Mirkwood Mauraders. He claims that the Moria staff had misled him, and that he actually heard the jingling of gold from within the stadium on the morning of the notorious event. However he, and the other fans were shocked when Moria staff handed them their Orc helms - some of which had been clearly used. "It would've been one thing to have merely found gashes and breaks in the leather," said Moria resident Hogli son of Hoir, "but I actually had an Orc head still attached to the damned helmet! How am I supposed to give that to my young ones!"

The resulting riot is unquestioningly the worst in Middle Earth history. At least two dozen people have been killed, with another three hundred wounded. A blaze was set in eastern Moria, and at this hour it still rages. Yet while some looting continues, most of the thousand-plus rioters have been arrested by the ten-thousand plus soldiers and rangers dispached by King Aragorn of Minas Tirith.

Team Public Relations Manager Heodwyn Soft Voice claims that the person responsible for the mixup was PR spokeshobbit, Morning Glory Boffins, who failed to fill out the proper forms while at the Commissioner's Office. According to Soft Voice, the mix-up occurred due to a crush Boffins has on Queen Brandelion's twin brother and Commissioner of the SGCBL, Solonor Rasreth, which caused her to become inattentive while filling out the promotion day forms.

Although she was reluctant to admit it when questioned by the press, Boffins eventually acknowledged her feelings in a private interview. "It's just uh, well, he's cute and has power and I couldn't help myself because I am uh, very attracted to his uh, well he just seems to, you know, exude this confidence that well, I haven't, you know..." said Boffins during the interview.

According to inside sources, Queen Brandelion of Lethargy was seen visibly gagging when word of the cause of the mix-up got back to her. Before a Press Conference was to occur, while a camera owned by yours-truly was unknowingly turned on, Queen Brandelion admitted her plans on sacking Boffins, not for the form mix-up (and the loss of lives that resulted in the mistake) but for her "appalling romantic attachment" to Commissioner Rasreth. "Disgusting!" Queen Brandelion said. "Absolutely utterly disgusting! She will be sacked for this, I assure you! I can't tolerate anyone in my organization who has such bizarre, abnormal tastes. Morning Glory Boffins should have her head thoroughly examined! He's got warts on his butt, for goodness sake! He drools! How could anyone be attracted to that? He's an aberration of nature." she then realized that the 'camera' was on, and changed her tone.

"That camera is on?" she asked. "Uh, Ms. Boffins will be leaving the Miners due to a history of certain discrepancies in her performance as PR spokeshobbit, with this recent mistake being only a small part. Though we wish her well, we have no room in the organization for this margin of error, and must let her go."

When asked if she has any rancor toward her brother, she said, "My (twin) is a strong leader and does an excellent job as Commissioner. No, i don't have any complaints about him. Now, give me that camera. Hey! Come back here! You can run but you can't hide! Guards, get him! Get him!"

When asked to respond to the assertion that Boffins' crush on Rasreth was the ultimate cause, the Commissioner's Office said this:

"The Commissioner's Office regrets the apparent move being made by Moria's marketing department to blame the situation on someone else. Clearly, this is a matter for Moria management to work out.

"The League deeply regrets any loss of life associated with the riots and sends its condolences to the families of the victims of this tragic event."

There is no word on what legal action will be taken against the responsible members of the Moria baseball organization.

Posted at October 27, 2004 06:59 AM | more from Moria