Rioting in Moria Caused Bridge Collapse

from The Mithril Post
headline news and notes from Moria

NEWS

Sounds of Rioting Cause Khazad-dum Collapse
It has been confirmed that the rumbling noise heard by witnesses just before the collapse of the Bridge of Khazad-dum restoration project was, in fact, the sound of an angry mob. Unhappy fans resorted to violence after a failed promotion day at Khazad-dum Stadium, home of the Moria Miners, when an unfortunate clerical error within the Miners organization left fans with used orc helmets, rather than the promised free gold. Though the rioting took place at Khazad-dum Stadium above-ground, experts say the velocity of sound and shockwaves beneath the earth's surface was strong enough to loosen two stone slabs onto four unsuspecting bystanders, bringing the official death toll of the Moria riots to 28. Dwalin, Mayor of Moria, spoke with reporters yesterday about this recent turn of events. "I have reviewed the facts, and it is my supreme and unshakable belief that the Miners are to pay for this."

Reporters had a brief opportunity to question Brandelion of Lethargy, owner of the Miners franchise, before she disappeared into the shadows. Bran expressed little sympathy for the situation, and denied all blame. "Look. We're a ball team. We play baseball. We offer promotions so people will come and watch us play baseball. That's what we did; it's not my fault the fans didn't like what we gave them. What do you want me to do? We didn't kill a bunch of folk and burn down local businesses. It is certainly not our fault a few slobbering idiots acted like the idiots they are and started knocking teeth out." A group of fans listening to her statement, which included the pacifist protestors, the Idiot Orcslobberer family of Barad-dur, immediately took offense to her comment. The group emitted a tapestry of foul language that has now joined Mayor Dwalin's finely-crafted curses from last week's election debates, hovering above the Pass of Carapace; thankfully, the crowd was content to curse and refrained from a fresh wave of violence.

Following Bran's comment and the backlash against it, Moria's PR manager, Heodwyn Soft Voice, issued a statement of apology. "The Moria Miners, management, players, and staff, deeply regret the loss of life that has occurred due to the rioting of the Mirkwood vs. Moria game of 20 Astron. We offer our most sincere apologies to the families and friends of the victims, as well as our heartfelt sympathy. We feel your loss, and weep beside you. We are taking steps to heal the effects of this shared tragedy in Moria. Restitution will be given to the area businesses that were looted during the riot. The Miners will also help make amends for the destruction of the Bridge of Khazad-dum restoration project. We apologize to our fans for the unfortunate mix-up, and tell them: the Miners value you. We will take care of you. Together, we can make Moria a better place. Please continue to support your home team."

Coalition Won't Give Up On Bridge--Plans to Continue Restoration
Construction on the Bridge of Khazad-dum restoration project had only just begun when the rioting at Khazad-dum Stadium brought it all crashing down. "It was terrible," said Fisil Zirak. "With four people dead, and everything in ruin, I wasn't sure we would go on." After watching all his work and careful planning fall to ruin, Zirak was understandably discouraged. Zirak and the Coalition for a Better Moria had been funded by a government grant--funding that was immediately withdrawn in the wake of the tragedy. "Without the grants, we had no way of continuing the project," said Zirak. "Then, like a miracle, word of the rioting got round to me. I knew, then, that the cause of all the destruction was the sound waves from the rioting, and my heartbroken weeping ceased. I met with Mayor Dwalin immediately, and managed to convince him to reinstate our funding."

An excited Zirak called together the surviving Khazad-dum crew and announced that construction would begin again with new vigor. Opponents of the restoration project expressed disappointment and anger. Said Grim Thrushknocker, "The fools are at it again, squandering money on a hopeless cause, when Moria's in such a state of destruction [following the riots.] Fools, they are! It was some kind of clever fabrication on their [the Coalition's] part to say that everything came crashing down because of 'sound waves.' The truth is, the Bridge crumbled because it is not meant to be rebuilt--it is a sign, directly from our forefathers that this project is madness. There are more important things to take care of in Moria, right now, like all the little dwarvelings without shoes, the women without adequate beard-trimmers." Thrushknocker went on to claim that the Coalition's funding has come from ill-begotten means. "Makes me sick, it does, that our government is making bargains with thieves. I know for a fact that Mayor Dwalin made a deal with Fisil Zirak--in exchange for government funding, which is taxpayer money straight from the pockets of the folk of Moria, I might add, Zirak gave the Mayor an artifact of rare value; an artifact of great importance to the dwarven peoples, something that should never have been in the hands of that bloody Zirak. I'll let you go ahead and guess what it was.”

Though Thrushknocker refused to name the artifact, anonymous sources point to the Arkenstone of Lonely Mountain, which came up missing last month under mysterious circumstances.

When asked about the Arkenstone, Mayor Dwalin grew defensive. "Preposterous claims! You'll find no Arkenstone here," the Mayor stated. "This administration has a history of frowning upon the removal of artifacts from the public domain into the hands of private collectors. At present time, an investigative task force being headed by my Chief Advisors Oin and Gloin. I am confident in their abilities, and have every reason to believe they will bring the Arkenstone thief to justice." The Mayor continued on to deny the allegations made by Thrushknocker about the source of the project's funding. "The request for funding from the Coalition for a Better Moria was carefully reviewed, and awarded on merit. I feel that the Coalition has done good work for our peoples in the past, and the restoration of the Bridge of Khazad-dum is no exception." Fisil Zirak offered no comment on Thrushknocker’s allegations against him.

Construction on the Bridge is expected to resume tomorrow.

OBITUARIES

Kobur Dryadsnogger, friend to all free folk, died of complications after being trampled in the Moria riots. Dryadsnogger was seen 'talking closely' with a lovely young Dryad at the time. The family sincerely wishes to speak with the Dryad; we would like to know his precious last words. Interment at Thorin Oaks Cemetery, 1:00p.m. 25 Astron.

Labur Durinsfolk went down fighting in the riots of Moria, defending his shop against looters. Survived by his teeth, and a wife, Karin. Interment at Thorin Oaks Cemetery, 3:00p.m. 25 Astron.

Jull Elf-friend, beloved by all, was torn limb from limb by rioters. Her appendages will be sent to four different factions of Elves where they will be buried under Elven soil, in honor of the friendships forged with those damned foreigners. Never trust an elf!

Milonna of Khazad-dum has returned to the halls of her fathers. May she rest in peace. Interment at Thorin Oaks Cemetery, 12:00 noon, 26 Astron

CLASSIFIEDS

Editor's note: The Mithril Post expresses sympathy for those who lost family and friends in the Moria riots. To help restore morale in Moria, we offer free classified ads for the next issue of The Post. Contact the Editor to place your ad: pm Elijah_4EVR and ask for Merry.

Posted at October 28, 2004 12:56 PM | more from Moria