Diary of Samsneed, Part 6

By Moleare Kragnar
Old Forest Times

This is part VI (of VII) of the ongoing series of publications by detective Samsneed, ranger at large. In part V the legendary detective came upon DeepHelm in his dying moment, revealing perhaps the extent of the mysterious murders in Middle Earth...

Time was winding down. I was racing with the Reaper, and like Frodo in Mordor time was running out and things were looking bleak! I didn't hesitate, not even for a moment to drink. Being that I was already in Bree I headed straight toward the House of Grump, where Sgt. Grump was waiting for the questioning of his life!

I didn't bother knocking. I burst straight into his home. Grump was sitting in the living room, holding a slice of cheese in one hand, and a glass of wine in the other. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a movement, but by the time I turned all I caught was the rustling of a black curtain that separated the living room from what appeared to be a closet.

"Grump!" I shouted, "it's time to owe up, baby! I've got questions only you can answer!" To his credit he remained calm, seated in his chair. It's as though he knew I was coming.

"Ask away," he said.

"Did you know DeepHelm?" I asked, cutting to the chase.

"Uh, maybe," he said coyly. "Seen him around lately?"

"You know I haven't," I said. "You know he's dead!"

"...I did?"

"You did. And you better play it straight," I said. "But I'll tell you this - I don't think you're responsible for the murders! I think you're a scapegoat, and I want to know who would do this to you? Who would kill and then blame you?"

"I don't know, they hate me!" Grump snapped. "They all hate me! They can't stand my success! Jealousy! Pure jealousy! They can't match my success so they want to destroy me! ... Or it could be that I forgot to send them all birthday cards for the last four years. Maybe the guilty party is Solonor Rasreth, maybe Bombadil, I don't know!" he said. "Or maybe it was Pvt. Meanie, who won't talk to me about the murders! Or Aragornson! Is he really dead? Or BranMorda's butler!"

"Did BranMorda even have a butler?" I asked. "And what about Brandelion and Xade? Do you know more about them?"

"I've heard rumors that there was offspring... Terrible offspring..." Grump replied.

"And what about Rasreth," I asked. "How's your relationship with the Commissioner?" Grump stiffled, and without turning his head his eyes darted toward the black curtain.

"Solonor is great!," he said loudly. "A truly wonderful human being! A magnificent man! His presence is a gift to Middle Earth! His every word enlightens us all!" I arched an eyebrow, and Grump began to speak much more quietly. "He's the biggest freakin' jerk you'd ever have the misfortune of meeting! And NEVER mention 'mugwump' to him!"

I began to walk slowly toward the dark curtain. There was something going on, something Grump was hiding from me! I jumped in front of the curtain like a kid about to win hide-and-go-seek, ripped it open, and found none other than...

"Solonor Rasreth himself," I said. I'd expected to have to travel to Isenguard to find him, but there he was, hiding in the closet in the cold, hard flesh!

"I didn't do it!" he said, calmly.

"Then who did?" I asked.

"You've been publishing your diary in the Old Forest Times?" Rasreth asked.

"Every single week," I said, appreciatively patting my fattened wallet.

"Well," Rasreth continued, "right now, the Commissioner's Office is cooperating fully with law enforcement officials in Minas Tirith, Caradhras, Bree and - where possible - Moria. We prefer not to speculate during an ongoing investigation. I have no comment officially," he said. "However, given the methods used by the murderer or murderers, it would be foolish not to suspect someone with access to the Butterburr Cheese Factory. However, we do not wish to point any fingers."

"What about your sister and Xade? I bet you have no comment about that, huh?"

"I'd rather not comment on the affairs of my evil, errr, twin sister," he replied. "But I think I might have to put the Queen away somewhere for her own saftey!"

"And what about Grump over there? Surely you must have some thoughts on his guilt!" Grump sprang up from his chair and ran toward me, looking frightened.

"Don't let him fool you!" he said. "Rasreth should be suspected! But I think the REAL evil behind the murders is- Mrs. Rasreth!"

"Shut up!" Solonor said. But Grump continued.

"The Rasreth's would do it for simple pleasure! Abuse, torment, and torture! They live for it!" he said.

"So, your blaming your 'friend' Solonor, eh? I certainly wouldn't push it that far," I lied. "I doubt the Rasreths were involved. What do you think, Solonor?"

"Off the record, I believe that it's a conspiracy of the other owners! That jerk Grump is not the most likeable member of our community of team owners. It would be easy for someone who wanted to throw off suspicion to pin the blame on Grump! So stop blaming me for it, idiot!"

"Not so fast," I said. "I think it's more than just a couple of jealous owners! I think that there are several high ranking officials within the SGCBL who may be responsible for some of the murders. Do you know who they are? Do you know what their motive would be? Did you play a part in it? Tell me or I'll hurt you!" Rasreth remained calm.

"I think this interview is over," he said.

"This isn't an interview," I responded, throwing back a trademark slug of ale. "And there is no 'off the record!' I'm no journalist, I'm a private eye!"

"D'oh!" Rasreth exclaimed.

"No, I'll tell you what I think," I said. "I believe that Grump here may have had a hand it in after all! Why else would he be so quick to blame his friend here?"

"I'm just... just so stressed!" Grump replied. "It wasn't me, it was Aragornson, or BranMorda's butler!"

"Then what do you have to say about this!" I say, as I step into the closet and produce a pair of boots.

"Those are just boots," Grump replied.

"Boots, eh? When I talked to Queen Brandelion, she mentioned imprints of boots found next to the corpse of BranMorda! These boots, I believe!"

"They could be any boots," Grump said. "How can you pin something stupid like that on me?"

"It was the cheese, Grump," I said. "In the imprint of the boot was a square with holes. Cheese has holes, Grump. And if we overturn the boot, we'll find.... cheese."

And I was right. On the threaded rubber underside of the boot was a square imprint with holes at various points. The boots were a perfect match.

"But anyone could own boots like that! I'm not the only one with a vested interest in cheese, you know!" I laughed and pointed toward the impression on the back heel. It read These one-of-a-kind boots were made especially for Sgt. Grump. Grump flipped out like a fish thrust out of water onto the dry shore of reality!

"I'm innocent! Innocent!" he began shouting.

"Hey Solonor, it looks like there may be a new team opening pretty soon," I said. "Maybe two, judging on how things play out with your twin sister. And wherever she's gonna be put away, you may be accompanying her there, my friend" I said. "Here's what you're going to do. You're going to cooperate fully. You're going to call all the relevant owners who are a part of this mess, and they're going to meet me here in an hour. And then, we'll get to the bottom of this. I believe I know who's responsible!"

And with that I calmly stepped outside and left the House of Grump.

...to be concluded...

Posted at November 4, 2004 08:53 AM | more from Old Forest