The Mithril Post, vol.9
headline news and notes from Moria
PGL Scrap Sparks Homecoming Tantrum
Some say no news is good news, but we at the Mithril Post say "[somedwarvenexpletivetypecatchphrase]" to that! After suffering weeks of silence while the Miners allegedly evil owner, Brandelion of Lethargy, languished in a tower cell, the citizens of Moria cheered her return. Hand-painted banners reading, "The Witch is Back!" could be seen from the Doors of Durin to the very center of Balin's Tomb as young and old gathered to welcome the team owner. Brandelion, carried on a litter, made a slow procession through the cheering crowds to the offices of the Miners. It was there she dismounted, turned to thank the crowd, waved elbow-elbow-wrist-wrist, and smiled a fairy princess smile--but as fast as it began, the magic moment melted and her smile disappeared.
"What the [eXpletive] is that!?!?!?" No one in the crowd dared to look at the scrap of paper she pointed at with a death-bringing finger and ready-to-snap eyes. A trembling aide stooped to retrieve the scrap from the ground, and with a grave, ashen face, informed the crowd that it was a ticket stub from a Pan-Galactic League baseball game.
Brandelion, in true Bran form, bust out the fireworks and lit into a string of dark curses, turning innocent bystanders into a range of reptilian creatures from newts to toads, while fearful aides ducked for cover. After several minutes of mayhem, Bran screamed for the heads of those responsible for the ticket and vowed to weed out any PGL fans living within the halls of Moria, claiming she would "make them pay." Bran then excused herself to the few witnesses still standing, and entered the seclusion of her offices, from which she has not yet emerged.
Minor Change of Uniform For the Miners
Mere minutes after her return from the Ivory Tower, Brandelion of Lethargy sent a memo throughout the Miners Organization declaring the official undergarment of the team would henceforth be the thong. In Bran's words, "I have personally tested the garment, and find it to be the most breathable and freedom-giving form of underpant there is." This follows a questionable rumor circulating the league involving lembas cream, which is often used to treat rather serious and sordid sundry diseases that are not fit for printing. (The Mithril Post is a family news source.) In her memo, Bran states that she hopes the thong will "help ease the lembas cream problem in the locker rooms and promote better morale." General Manager, Dirk Pleasant, endorsed the decision last Trewsday during an impromptu press conference. "I'm not just wearing one thong," Pleasant tittered madly, "I'm wearing three!" Reporters were then subjected to proof of Pleasant's three thongs when he spontaneously dropped his pants and turned his hairy ass upon the unwitting crowd.