Sauronson Sacks Bree: Team Moved to Gorgoroth

First came the hoards of Mumakil. Then, a swarm of Orcs. The livestock and citizens of Bree were caught unawares as the Sacking of Bree began. Homes and Houses of Ill Repute burned to the ground while unspeakable horrors occurred at the hands of Sauronson's army.

Mort "Sonny" Sauronson didn't waste time in razing the Butterburr Cheese Factory to the ground, destroying all but the half-'s' of the famous CHEEsE sign in the process. Sauronson's father had, after all, warned Sonny against doing a "half-essed job." It was to be thorough, and exact. The Butterburr's would be forced to relinquish control of the Bree Cheese baseball franchise to make way for a new regime, the Mumakil would muma, and the Orcs would swarm. To Sonny's delight, everything went exactly as planned. The Bree Cheese were now under the control of Sauron.

What could Sauron want with a baseball franchise? Insiders say the shocking move was instigated by Sonny's love of baseball, which he had fostered since youth. When his old Dad asked him to take over as second-in-command for the Witch King of Angmar, who had incidentally left to join the Misty Mountain Hops, Sonny refused, and confessed his great desire to play ball. Sauron relented and allowed Sonny to chase his dream, issuing the order to take over any team in the league.

"At first, we was supposed to take over Moria," said Ghelak Braingobbler, first lieutenant in the Orc army. "Well, we found out we was wrong and went to Rohan instead. I expected there'd be horses here, but all I seen is a prancing horsey picture on that sign there!" he said, pointing to The Prancing Pony.

When questioned about the Rohan-Moria-Bree mix-up, Sauronson's people were tight-lipped. "All we can say, at this point, is that we are trying to nose out the source of the mix-up, and we will issue a report when we've caught wind of what went wrong," said team representative, Nose of Sauron. The ever-watchful Other Eye of Sauron merely looked on as confused reporters, and burning peasants stumbled in and out of the scene.

Sauronson himself announced that there would be a change in team name and logo, and that the franchise would be moving to Gorgoroth. "We will now be known as the Gorgoroth Balrogs," said Sauronson, giddy with glee. "And it'll be ever so much fun!" It was announced at the same time that former Bree Cheese manager Barliman J. Butterburr would be kept on as manager of the Balrogs. Butterburr, looking paler than usual, declined comment.

The Balrogs are expected to complete the move to Gorgoroth before the start of the 2009 season.

Posted at June 11, 2005 11:28 AM | more from Bree