Moria Recruits Rohan GM

by Lobelia Hardbottle, MESN

KHAZAD-DUM - The monstrous sounds of something unseen, straining against heavy irons greets the assembled press as the slender, neatly-dressed, newly re-hired PR Manager, Heodwyn Soft-Voice, signals for quiet.

"On behalf of the Moria Miners and related subsidiaries, I would like to thank you all for gathering today in the halls of Khazad-dum. At this time the Miners would like to confirm the rumors circulating the league - Manager of the Year award-winner Jools of the Rohan Roughriders will be joining us as General Manager, under the employment of Queen Brandelion Half-Elven."

A murmur of shock ripples through the crowd as Soft-Voice continues. "Jools is here to meet you all today, and answer any questions you may have. It is a new era for Moria - We are excited to have this excellent manager on board, and can't wait to see him lead Moria to victory in the coming seasons. Please welcome, Jools!"

A spattering of shocked applause ensues while a youngish looking human steps up to an ornately-carved, Dwarven-style podium.

"Hello, I'm Jools." The crowd immediately erupts into questions.

"Jools, with all the rumors of corporal punishment in the Miners organization, are you nervous to begin working for Queen Brandelion and her famous whip?"

The new GM takes the question in stride. "Well, I'm glad you ask, because it's time we change this barbaric treatment. The new regime will have the women getting spanked instead of whipped. Also, responsibilities will change: The Queen takes care of the men, and the GM will care for the women."

It is obvious that the assembled reporters, long accustomed to Queen Brandelion's outrageous temper, do not buy it.

"Jools, tell us why you chose to work for Moria after leading a successful team like Rohan?"

"Well, in two words: the money."

"Jools, Jools! What do you think of former Miners pitcher Francisco Xiques's continuing refusal to change his name and race to something Tolkienien?"

A clever spark flashes in the new GM's eye. "Ah, yes, based on the information available on the issue, we intend to invite parties to inform on a wide bandwidth basis the persons and proper authorities on this delicate issue."

"What do you think of the slogan disgruntled fans have started shouting at games, saying Moria has 'the best worst players with great talent'?"

The GM's brow is momentarily furrowed. "I think it came into existence when the previous manager, failing to attract fans through results, wanted to boost fan interest by presenting Moria as a sort of freak show, and then the fans came up with that slogan. Of course, we're looking to revert that image by turning Moria into a top-notch baseball machine."

"Jools, have you met with Queen Brandelion? What's she like in person? Were you frightened?"

The new GM answers with a slow, knowing smile, winks, and then raises a hand to wave. "No further questions, thank you."

An excited babble of questions erupts as Jools exits through a side-door. Heodwyn Soft-Voice promptly steps up to the podium, thanks all for coming, and directs reporters to a complimentary buffet of bat juice and cookies. Queen Brandelion Half-Elven, conspicuously absent at the press release, was unavailable for comment.

Posted at October 2, 2006 11:13 AM | more from Moria