Strange News from Bree
Bree Cheese

November 19, 2015

Player of the Week: *Knucklebreaker of the Cheese

Player of the Week: *Knucklebreaker of the Cheese Monday, June 7th, 2032 Eideron *Knucklebreaker demonstrated his potential to be a star in the game last week and today he took home the Shire Conference Player of the Week Award. The...

3 Roundtrippers for *Knucklebreaker

Sunday, June 6th, 2032 In Bree's 12-6 win over Dunharrow, Eideron *Knucklebreaker was in a home run mode. He tortured the Devils, cracking out three home runs and going 3-for-4 with 7 RBIs and scoring 4 runs. "When you're hot,...

November 12, 2015

Star of the Week Awarded in SC

Monday, May 24th, 2032 Eideron *Knucklebreaker demonstrated his potential to be a star in the game last week and today he took home the Shire Conference Player of the Week Award. The Bree catcher wreaked havoc on opposing pitchers last...

Bree Center Fielder Hurt

Monday, May 17th, 2032 The Bree Cheese will have to make do without Davey Ironmaster for 5 weeks. He suffered an oblique strain while running the bases in the game today against the Minas Ithil Wyrms. His teammates, understandably, were...

November 02, 2015

Boroden Picks up SC Monthly Pitching Honor

Saturday, May 1st, 2032 The Shire Conference made it official today -- Edmund Boroden of the Bree Cheese is the Pitcher of the Month. In April he impressed the sportswriters with his domination of league hitters. Boroden made 6 starts,...

October 29, 2015

Star SP Signs Pact with Cheese

Tuesday, April 20th, 2032 Bree fans celebrated as word of a signing became reality. Edmund Boroden won't be pulling up stakes anytime soon, as he has signed a 10-year extension at a pay rate of $10,624,000 per annum. Since he...

October 26, 2015

Cheese Tom Bird Wins SC Award

Monday, April 19th, 2032 It was a sweet day for Tom Bird of the Bree Cheese, who found out he has been named the Shire Conference Player of the Week. The Cheese right fielder put up a solid .462 average...

Rockcrusher Signs for 10 years

Friday, April 16th, 2032 Media analysts hailed Bree's signing of Meriamli Rockcrusher, one of Tolkien Baseball's brightest stars, as a pivotal move. While the deal is certain to raise a few eyebrows, Rockcrusher is expected to earn every bit of...

October 08, 2015

Meriamli Rockcrusher Sidelined for 5 Months

Wednesday, March 17th, 2032 After the end of today's game between Bree and Bucklebury, Meriamli Rockcrusher skipped the clubhouse and headed straight for the doctor's office. After he was removed from the game as a precaution after throwing a pitch,...

September 03, 2015

Chang Raises Money for Local Charity

Sunday, December 14, 2031 Bree Cheese 3B, Halewyn Chang, has been active in the Bree community this offseason. He organized a poker tournament to raise money for the charity "Chain Of Hope." "I have to thank my teammates, as well...

August 17, 2015

SC Manager of the Year Award Given to Gnomedragger

Wednesday, November 19th, 2031 Bree manager Tonak Gnomedragger was selected as the 2031 Shire Conference Manager of the Year today. He was somewhat of a dark horse next to some of the more flashy managers up for the award. Gnomedragger,...

MC Top Hitter, 2031 Choice Is Rockdelver

Friday, November 14th, 2031 Dol Guldur's Hisin Rockdelver put the wraps on a fine campaign today by winning the 2031 Mordor Conference Sam Gamgee Batter. The 32-year-old veteran scorched the opposition with a .307 average, picking up 176 hits, 39...

Earathien Named Top Reliever for SC

Friday, November 14th, 2031 Donethirion Earathien was a calming influence out of the Bree Cheese bullpen this season. His teammates and manager said he had a poised demeanor about him that was typical of someone much older and more experienced....

Chang Is SC's Rookie of the Year

This year's outstanding newcomer has been selected and the honor goes to the Bree rookie Halewyn Chang -- the recipient of the 2031 Shire Conference Frodo Rookie Award. The talented Cheese third baseman took the trophy by hitting .317 in...

August 03, 2015

Wyrms Advance to Return of the King Series

Sunday, October 19th, 2031 Hahai Brainthrottler sparked his Minas Ithil Wyrms past the pesky Bree Cheese in a closely-contested Two Towers Series. Minas Ithil topped Bree 9-2 at Bree-Land Ballpark to decide the series, 4-2 For his efforts, Brainthrottler was...

Eideron *Knucklebreaker Out 4 Weeks

Thursday, October 16th, 2031 It was announced today in Bree that Cheese catcher Eideron *Knucklebreaker will be out 4 weeks. *Knucklebreaker suffered a torn quad that occurred during a game against the Minas Ithil Wyrms. This year *Knucklebreaker has hit...

July 30, 2015

Cheese Win Fellowship Series

Friday, October 10th, 2031 The Bree Cheese took time to celebrate with the Bree fans who stuck around after the game, following the team's Fellowship Series triumph over the Mirkwood Sylvan. Members of the Cheese hung around chatting, high-fiving and...

July 16, 2015

SC's #1 Player Named

Monday, September 15th, 2031 Dejahdor Stonerapper is respected by most Bree Cheese fans for his no-frills style of play. The 28-year-old right fielder went about his business with vigor last week to grab the Shire Conference Player of the Week...

July 13, 2015

Hat Trick of Home Runs for Bird

Monday, September 1st, 2031 Every now and then, the right things happen at the right time. Tom Bird discovered that when he smashed three homers at Elrod Stadium at Finrod Field during today's 13-5 win over the Minas Tirith Titans....

July 09, 2015

Rehab Road Tough For Cheese Edmund Boroden

Friday, August 29th, 2031 After being examined by team doctors yesterday, Cheese starting pitcher Edmund Boroden was told that his rehabilitation time would be increased to 3 weeks because he still had some pain and soreness. The medical staff did...

Bree Cruises to Shire Conference Dwarf Division Crown

Wednesday, August 27th, 2031 The champagne was flowing in the Bree Cheese clubhouse today, as men quickly transformed into boys with the realization that the club had clinched the Shire Conference Dwarf Division. "We can relax a bit, for now...

July 06, 2015

Playoff Bound: Bree Secures Wild Card

Sunday, August 24th, 2031 A relaxed, laid back, tension-free atmosphere set over the Bree Cheese clubhouse today as it became officially that the team has secured a playoff spot. "Now we can just relax and concentrate on playing good baseball...

June 23, 2015

Bad News for Bree, Edmund Boroden Hurt

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2031 The Bree Cheese were dealt a severe blow when Edmund Boroden was hurt throwing a pitch recently in a game against the Minas Ithil Wyrms. After the game, the team trainer reported Boroden might have to...

June 18, 2015

Cheese Boroden Has 16 Ks

Thursday, July 17th, 2031 It was a 16-K day for Bree pitcher Edmund Boroden at Bree-Land Ballpark today. He really put on a show in beating the Rivendell Royals 8-5. Boroden had his good stuff and good location and that...

June 08, 2015

SC Awards Player of the Week

Monday, June 30th, 2031 The Player of the Week has been chosen by the Shire Conference. The award went to Dejahdor Stonerapper, right fielder of the Bree Cheese. In a sensational hitting performance, he wrecked league pitchers with a .450...

May 28, 2015

Star of the Week Picked in SC

Monday, June 16th, 2031 His hard work and hustle paid off this week. The hard-working and hard-playing Davey Ironmaster was rewarded with the Shire Conference Player of the Week honors. The scrappy Bree Cheese center fielder hit .406 while collecting...

May 21, 2015

Cheese Hurler Named SC's Best Starter

Sunday, June 1st, 2031 Edmund Boroden left little doubt in the minds of Shire Conference officials that he should be named May's Pitcher of the Month for his outstanding performance. "I wasn't always confident at the start of a game,"...

May 20, 2015

Defending MVP Vows to Regain Form

BREE - Among the many moves made this winter by the Bree Cheese, perhaps the most high-profile was the addition of all four SFL batting and pitching award winners. Two months into the season, Edmund Boroden and Halewyn Chang are...

Despite the Cheese's gaudy record, Stonerapper isn't the only new Bree arrival to disappoint: Larry Niven is currently making $14 million to be a sixth starter, nobody expected Justin Bats to be hitting .265 with 3 home runs, and while Betsie Hilldweller has rebounded from last year's fiasco, she hasn't done so nearly enough. He may be the most worrisome, though, because Bats is a known quantity who's proven over and over again that he's better than this, and neither Niven nor Hilldweller was signed as more than a stopgap. Stonerapper was not hired to be a .246 hitter with the lowest OPS in the Cheese's starting lineup.

Granted, there are good signs. After a disastrous April, the former Oz star has posted a .912 OPS in May, far more in line with expectations. He's playing the field well, and seems to be fitting in well in the clubhouse. "What can I do? I've just got to go out there and swing the bat," aid Stonerapper in a recent interview. "I'm not in Kansas any more, I know that. But this all clicked for Chang, it clicked for Val [Denelmore], and I think I'm getting up to speed. Last thing I want to do is dwell on it."

May 08, 2015

April's #1 Hurler Announced: Boroden

Thursday, May 1st, 2031 Edmund Boroden certainly found a groove in April. The Bree starter posted 6 wins last month to easily claim the Shire Conference Pitcher of the Month. During the month Boroden was 6-0 with a 1.18 ERA....

Bree's *Knucklebreaker Bags SC Top Batter for April

Thursday, May 1st, 2031 April's Batter of the Month has been announced by the Shire Conference. This month's trophy was presented to the Bree catcher, Eideron *Knucklebreaker. He starred by hitting .360 with a .467 on-base percentage, totaled 31 hits...

Streak Finally Over, Denelmore Held Hitless

Wednesday, April 30th, 2031 Maybe it really is taboo to talk about a hitting streak before it's over. Hours after speaking to the press about his 25-game hitting streak, Bree shortstop Valentine Denelmore went hitless in 3 at-bats today in...

25 Games in a Row for Denelmore

Tuesday, April 29th, 2031 He did it again! Valentine Denelmore got another hit and ran his hitting streak to 25. He collected 1 hit in 4 at-bats, but that wasn't enough to win the game. His Bree Cheese were defeated...

April 30, 2015

Shire Conference Picks Top Player

Monday, April 28th, 2031 26-year-old Halewyn Chang sent shock waves through Tolkien Baseball last week with an eye-popping performance that brought him the Shire Conference Player of the Week Award. A newcomer to the league, Chang made the establishment sit...

20-Game Hitting Streak for Denelmore

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2031 Cheese shortstop Valentine Denelmore is really on a roll. In today's game at The Water Park he came up with 1 hit in 4 at-bats and extended his consecutive-game hitting streak to 20 games. But the...

April 27, 2015

Cheese *Knucklebreaker SC Hitter of the Week

Monday, April 21st, 2031 24-year-old Eideron *Knucklebreaker sent shock waves through Tolkien Baseball last week with an eye-popping performance that brought him the Shire Conference Player of the Week Award. A newcomer to the league, *Knucklebreaker made the establishment sit...

April 16, 2015

Bree Newspaper's Offices Attacked By Bears; Carrock Fans Suspected

BREE - The headquarters of local newspaper Strange News From Bree were the site of a disaster this week, as several large brown bears lumbered into the offices. overturning desks and damaging the printing press. The bears were eventually driven...

Minas Ithil Wyrms: Strange News Season Preview (12/26)

MINAS ITHIL WYRMS Last year: 119-43 (1st in the Hobbit Division, won Fellowship Series 4-1, won Two Towers Series 4-0, won Return of the King Series 4-2) Major additions: RP Eillf Eregion Major departures: RP Tenten Verbenti, RP Tanta Bracegirdle,...

The good news for anyone hoping to challenge the champions? Well, they’re not QUITE as good this year. They lost Knifecrawler to free agency rather than retirement, their bullpen isn’t quite what it once was, and some injuries to supporting players have complicated matters. This is probably not enough, but it's something.

Still, Minas Ithil outscored opponents by an average of 2.7 runs per game last year. If you saw the Wyrms beat their opponents 6-3, that was just about an AVERAGE game for them. Half of the time, they were better. So we can talk about cracks in the facade, but that’s a real big facade.


Last year, Galugol Eliolas went 25-4 with a 2.67 ERA and 281 strikeouts. The scouts rank him no. 14 among every starter in the game... only nine other teams have a pitcher as good as Eliolas on paper, and some of those guys (Aruden Fistslammer, hint hint) don’t hold up in practice.

Eliolas, of course, is the Wyrms’ third starter.

It’s going to be hard for anyone to break the stranglehold Noisur Celorfilad, Levi Legura and Eliolas have on the league. Eliolas won the Gandalf Award in 2028, Legura in 2029 and Celorfilad in 2030. One of the three will almost definitely win again this year. Legura is 28. The other two are 27. They’re all known as model professionals. Their contracts are not up for at least two more seasons.

The good news for everyone but Minas Ithil is, that’s where the roster stops for much of the coming season. Rebo Muddyfoot is a very good pitcher, but he’s likely to miss most of the season, and his no. 4 rotation slot goes to Legend Trader. Four years ago, Trader was as good as any of these players. He started losing his fastball in ‘29, and while he won 17 games in ‘30, his ERA ballooned by over one run. Rounding out the rotation is... I really don’t know. There’s no decent option anywhere on the team or in the minors. A trade seems likely.


This is the one area where the Wyrms, even at full strength, appear almost mortal. They lost Verbenti and Bracegirdle, both of whom were quite talented, and replaced him with Bywater junkballer Eillf Eregion, who promptly managed to injure himself. The new closer’s name is Krumwakh the Terrible. It’s a harsh name, but “Krumwakh the Great” would be false advertising. Phantai Elrilmalith and David Hilldweller are good relievers, and a couple more are solid, but if the Wyrms were in the habit of not entering the late innings with a big lead, new manager Amaran Garariand would have some small cause for concern.


If he started, catcher Mumsh Toothkicker would almost definitely torch opponents for a .900 OPS. Catcher Shaumli Gandillas is a .318 career hitter in 743 plate appearances. Half the teams in the league would be thrilled to pick up either. None of this matters, though, because they’d have to take playing time from Brutus Trollbasher. 2030 was Trollbasher’s best season ever, which is a lot to say about a guy who’s been the MVP every year since 2027. Trollbasher is 26. He’s not exactly getting worse.

With all due respect to Olo Bats, Wilo Headhater and Samwise Willow, Marin Goldtearer and Ufrat Moonkiller make the rest of the infield go. Goldtearer didn’t make the majors until he was almost 25, but the first baseman has posted a .963 OPS since then. He’s the main reason the Wyrms have never tried to convert Toothkicker to first. If he keeps this up, the only thing separating him from the Hall of Fame will be a lack of longevity, or else voters deciding that there are way too many Minas Ithil players in the Hall already.

Of the Wyrms’ seven perennial All-Stars, Moonkiller is the oldest at 31. He’s also got a reputation as the most injury-prone, though he’s averaged 146 games a year since 2026, so he seems to be holding up fine. Moonkiller strikes out a lot. He also hits 30 home runs a season, plays plus defense at every infield position, and reaches base almost 40% of the time. He’ll be fine with the strikeouts, thanks.


The outfield is really good too. Hahai Brainthrottler is the only true star, and CF Herb Eisenhower is by far the worst starter in Minas Ithil’s lineup, but even Eisenhower contributes great defense and an acceptable on-base percentage. Cedrick Elesserio unsurprisingly injured himself again in spring training, which means the talented Hae Tinalinde should (finally) get his shot at the big leagues.


In a just world, Mumsh Toothkicker would be the Minas Ithil Wyrms’ new designated hitter. This may happen. What will not happen, even with the spring training injuries, is Minas Ithil failing to win 100+ games.

Lake Town Archers: Strange News Season Preview (11/26)

LAKE TOWN ARCHERS Last year: 83-79 (2nd in the SC Hobbit Division) Major arrivals: SP Minta Proudneck, CL Thubis Gadrienduil Major departures: none Lake Town has one of the tougher positions in the current SGCBL: sharing a division with Minas...


Bosur Armorshaker is the Archers’ top pitcher, and he’s a good one when he’s not hurt. He’s not a great one, though, because he gives up too many walks and too many home runs. Armorshaker had his best season ever in 2030, making his first All-Star Game and staying mostly healthy, so with any luck he’ll build on that.

Beyond that, the rotation is mostly solid, with new arrival Minta Proudneck joining team leader Rebo Pelham and control specialist Loisil Elf-Friend. All three are a little different from each other, but all three are league-average righties, so that’s a similarity. At the moment, Isiln Belaldur is filling in as a fifth starter, but he is clearly not a major league pitcher.


Thubis Gadrienduil is the big name in the pen. A four-time SFL All-Star for Earthsea, Gadrienduil is popular with the scouts but coming off a couple weak years in a league he really should have dominated. He takes he closing job offf Krodish the Irritable, who was pretty good at it in 2029 but not so good in 2030. Lefties Fumli Trolltearer and Busin of Numenor lead a solid supporting corps. I’d call this an average bullpen, but a lot of Shire bullpens this year are really bad, so this one is better than them.


Six good players make a good foundation for a team, but only one of them is great. That would be Duilin Silverwolf, the Archers’ first baseman and son of GM Dave Silverwolf. Among the bumper crop of rookie hitters last year, Silverwolf stood tall, winning the Rookie of the Year award and placing third in MVP voting. He can play third base or shortstop, and he does everything well. Slight injury concerns are the only issue with this guy... he's a star in the making.

Beyond that, only catcher Norman Mailer has his job definitively sewn up. Eale Stonegauntlet and Bafur Rocktearer are both in pretty good shape, and the choice lies mostly with offense (1B Crystal Green) vs. defense (shortstop Borigal Trample.) Trample has the edge right now, probably justifiably given that he hit almost as well as Green last year, but if Trample’s bat fizzles or Green starts showing what she can do, all this could change.


If there’s room to deal a player or two anywhere, it’s in this outfield. Vasil Grudgecrusher is the highest-touted by the scouts, and he hit 37 home runs in 2030, but a combined .179 batting average in 173 games between 2028-29 should give you pause.

Given the choice among the six (six!) solid starters Lake Town’s outfield touts, I’d take Friagorn Eararion, an undrafted high school kid out of Bree who didn’t make the majors until he was 26 but has topped .900 OPS with 82 total home runs in the last two years. LF/DH Flambard Dogwood has great skills but hasn’t lived up to them, Nunk the Odiferous proved himself a starter the second half of last year, Leran Ironbane is a potential 40 HR hitter who probably needs another year in the minors, and Eiamir Earaldor is a speed demon and defensive wizard who can hit a little.


Silverwolf and Eararion are top-flight players, and the Archers’ lineup is distinctly lacking in holes. If they manage to patch up the rotation somehow with another good starter or two, they’ve got a good shot at 90 wins, which won’t be enough alongside Minas Ithil but should make them contenders for a wild card spot. If not, I’m saying 85.

Erebor Eagles: Strange News Season Preview (10/26)

EREBOR EAGLES Last year: 70-92 (4th in the Hobbit Division) Major arrivals: SP Neli Silverdelver, SP Sariaron Elara, C Gamlin Turtlehero, 1B Rebo Bridger, 1B Floria Gilmathien, RF Satina Isauron Major departures: SP Voili Orebreaker, SP Halir the Slobberer, C...


Elara and Silverdelver join the team; neither has excellent raw tools, but they’re arguably the two best pitchers on the squad by default. (Orebreaker and Halir, both of whom departed this offseason, would almost definitely be 1-2 in this rotation had they stayed.) Halawyn the Unclean was bad for Minas Morgul and he’s been bad in Erebor.

Nobody else here is worth mentioning, except maybe the spectacularly wild Marcho Hilldweller, who’s a terrible pitcher but a great show. Hilldweller faced 617 batters last year. More than half of them either struck out, walked or hit a home run. When Hilldweller is on the mound, the fielders can rest easy, because they’re not likely to be called on to do much.


Migan Orcsmith, closer by default, leads one of the worst bullpens in the game. Orcsmith is aging but decent, lefty Holfast Black is decent bullpen filler, and Gorbadoc Banks could get there one day. And those are the “good” ones.


There are only a few decent hitters here, even on paper. Fal Moonripper is a defensive specialist who posted a surprising .797 OPS last year. First baseman Rebo Bridger hit 36 home runs for Discworld, but does his power translate to Middle-Earth? If not, he’ll lose his starting job to journeyman/journeywoman/journeyelf (?) Floria Gilmathien, whose Rookie of the Year award is a long way in the past now. Aside from utility infielder Sohai Toothkicker, there’s not much else here that’s playable.

DH Squeaky the Sneaky is technically a first baseman, and he’s a good hitter, but he’s 37, so he’ll probably be retired by the time Erebor contends again. (Trade time?) The Eagles signed Gamlin Turtlehero, a catcher who can’t throw runners out but can hit okay. Maybe Turtlehero will put some pressure on Dosil Armorbender, who’s a solid defender but a terrible hitter.


Well, Fastolph Baggins and Sadish Heartwalker are the two top-rated prospects in the game... neither is making the majors this year, but that’s cool, right?

The odd thing is, the outfield is the one area where Erebor stacks up decently against other SGCBL teams. Goigan Jamor was a rookie with a .909 OPS last year, and if his power develops, he could be even more. Robert Brownlock is a steady veteran center fielder. Even fourth infielder Satina Isauron is probably better than just about anyone the Eagles have in their infield.

But I can’t finish this without talking about Thovin Hammerfell. Hammerfell was supposed to be a star. In fact, he could be replaced by a star any time. Instead, he’s fighting for a fifth outfielder spot on this team. What a colossal disappointment.


Erebor was the worst pitching team in the league last year. This year, they’re worse than they were last year, and their hitting isn’t appreciably better either. Expect the Eagles to compete for yet another top prospect in the ‘32 draft... 100 losses are not out of the question.

Bywater Bounders: Strange News Season Preview (9/26)

STRANGE NEWS FROM BREE - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 73-89 (3rd in the Hobbit Division)
Major arrivals: SP Aroborn Mu, SP Voili Orebreaker, RP Nirt Gamauma
Major departures: None

The Bounders were disappointing last year, despite quite a lot of talent to work with. This year’s team features significantly beefed-up pitching, so if the Bounders don’t improve, something has got to change. New manager Lona Bramble has vowed to whip the squad into shape, and that had better happen, because the Bounders’ AA manager Girith of Rhun is one of the most highly touted managerial prospects in baseball.


Mu is making over $16 million a year, and he may not even be the Bounders’ Opening Day starter. That honor may go to the long-suffering Ecth Tremblay, who’s played his whole career in Bywater and is really not responsible for the team’s recent struggles. Both Tremblay and Tavja Elarandel are smart players with a lot of experience, and they join up with Mu to crete a really solid foundation for success.

Meanwhile at the back of the rotation, Orebreaker arrives from Erebor and should take the no. 4 slot fairly easily. The real battle is at no. 5, where Tarbag the Drooler finally got a shot last year at the age of 29. He walked a lot of people, which is to be expected, and struck out a lot of people, which is also unsurprising. The big shock was his 10 home runs allowed in only 28 innings. This seems honestly like sheer bad luck; Tarbag has never been known for allowing home runs. Two more homers allowed in his first spring training game aren’t helping him make his case, though.

The alternative is Celaron Tinuriand, who’s had double-digit wins and double-digit losses for Bywater 10 of the last 11 years. Last season that record was 11-18, though, and his 6.46 ERA couldn’t be chalked up to a small sample size. If Tinuriand holds onto his job, that seems like sheer inertia on the front office’s part.


The rotation is solid, but Bywater has one of the best bullpens in baseball. Jose Day was disappointing last year, but the veteran closer can be counted on to bounce back. If he doesn’t, he’ll have plenty of backup from Shane Dunn, Meriadoc Goodbody and new arrival Nirt Gamauma. Thrain Oakenslayer and Vruudish Drowthrower would be set-up men on a lot of teams, but they’re in the back of the bullpen here.


After a strong rookie season, Ferdinand Puttifoot has nowhere to go but up. The hobbit shortstop has a good chance to be one of the best middle infielders in SGCBL history by the time all is said and done; only 20 years old, he projects as a .350 hitter with 40 home runs and 100 walks a season.

Like so much about the Bounders, this infield is a story of underachievement. Sous Nadrierion, Gilgaril Salad and Porto Black should be a trio of 30-HR hitters. Nadierion has been solid, but Salad inexplicably batted .196 last year, and Black has struggled to keep his on-base percentage above .250. Aside from Puttifoot, Nadrierion and Elegrina of the Forest are the only proven starters. Of course, Bramble hasn’t helped his players’ confidence by, for example, playing minor-league outfielder Tigia Gandudriel over Salad at first base. There’s a solid infield buried somewhere in here, but we haven’t seen it on the field.


On paper, the Bounders have four very solid outfielders. In practice, the two best ones have inexplicably struggled. Dagan Geomli and Nunus Oathrender are solid players who have done well for the team. Aroma Elewen, meanwhile, followed a breakout rookie year with a 2030 campaign where he batted .232. Higak the Rude has always had the potential to be a star, but he’s only now making it to the majors at the age of 25. Whatever the past held, the Bounders should have a solid outfield.


When it comes to these players, though, “should” has not always translated to the real world. I can’t imagine this will be a 73-win team again. There is too much talent, and a new manager can’t possibly struggle as much as the old one. 85 wins is within sight.

April 08, 2015

Rivendell Royals: Strange News Season Preview (8/26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...


Last year: 77-85 (2nd in the Elf Division)
Major arrivals: 1B Merilmir Knifecrawler
Major departures: SP Celomer Melwasul, SP Dinodas Banks, RF Satina Isauron

The Royals finished in the top two of their division last year for only the 4th time in the last 22 years. Needless to say, that’s more about some of the other teams being bad than it is about Rivendell being especially good. The Royals have a couple good starters, and their lineup could be worse, but there aren’t a lot of bright spots here and that hasn’t changed.


Well, if they played two games a week they’d be in great shape. Tavseen Lomebrildur had a bad season last year, but both he and Smilman Boroden are no. 2 starters at worst. The trouble is what comes after them. They lost Banks and Melwasul, neither of whom was very good, so it’s no big deal. The trouble is, the 3-5 starters they have are probably worse. Earthpunisher, Throatprodder and Fyra are all basically replacement level, and it’s hard to win when your starting pitcher isn’t giving you anything. Camelia Brownlock did an okay job in the rotation last year, but currently seems bound for the bullpen.


Very little star power but a fair number of usable players. Jelan Tinovorsh was last year’s closer, and he gave up way too many home runs but was good other than that. He joins Kidneydragger, Costa and Elvulith, all of whom were decent last year and return this year. Aside from Brownlock, things get hazy from there, but it’s not as bad as the rotation.


This is another lineup built around a catcher -- in this case, veteran Foundling Goodbody, who’s no Brutus Trollbasher but has had a solid career on offense and defense. He’s joined by a couple solid starters in the infield, which is one more than there was last year. It’s hard to see the signing of Merilmir Knifecrawler as anything but a ploy to net a prospect around the trade deadline... Knifecrawler will be 40 by then, and the Royals are not competing this year.

Second baseman Celegast Earathien is pretty solid, and if quad-A first baseman Noifur Firebattler makes the team he should hit for power if nothing else, but really the left side of the infield is a mess right now, with nobody good and nobody in the farm system.


Could be a lot worse, honestly. There are no stars here, but Tobi Sandyman and Fofur Trolldragger do their jobs. So does Lor Cloudeye, an excellent contact hitter who’s struggled for some reason to hold down a Major League job. Last year, he lost time to Tusur Trollmaster, a speedy guy with a good glove who will never hit on the Major League level. If Trollmaster starts again this year, that’s bad news for the Royals, who have better options.


Assuming we’re meant to take Knifecrawler as a full-season pickup, he boosts this team a little. But then again, this team’s Pythagorean record was 72-90 last year. They’ll probably end up between there and 75-87, but take heart, Rivendell fans: a lot of bad contracts come off the books in the next year or two. If GM Rogan Shieldhandler can shell out the cash and make some smart moves, this team could be better soon.

Old Forest Merry Fellows: Strange News Season Preview (7/26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 91-71 (1st in the Elf Division, won Fellowship Series 4-0, lost Two Towers Series 4-0)
Major arrivals: 3B Wonai the Drooler
Major departures: none

What you see is what you get, and what you saw last year is what you continue to get. This is not a team that relies on finesse. This is a team that wallops the ball, and most of their pitchers throw about two pitches for a bunch of strikeouts, and it got them to the playoffs last year, so all right then. There’s very little difference between the 2030 Fellows and this year’s roster, so you should expect very similar results.


Well, all right, the Merry Fellows rely on ONE great pitcher. Gundabald “The Big Gun” Headstrong only has two real pitches, but when those pitches are a 103-MPH fastball and one of the game’s best curves, that’s enough. It’s certainly sufficed for Headstrong, who’s made six straight All-Star Games.

Beyond that, things aren’t anything special. Ragn Gaun was an average pitcher who got great in a contract year, grabbed a big paycheck and went back to being average. Logan Orctearer and Marcho Black are just on the far side of usable. They... don’t really have a fifth starter. Closer Phaillia Sil-Gal has been filling in for them.


It’s a lot better with Sil-Gal not starting, that’s for sure. The closer has always been good, but reported to camp this year in finer form than ever. He’ll have more strikeouts than innings this year, no question.

Things are pretty solid beyond that too, with four-time All-Star Celain Garienduil filling in solidly as closer for Sil-Gal, Ribur Eartharm and Pim Oretooth being the same kind of two-pitch strikeout artists Merry Fellows GM Tom Bombadil loves so much, and steady performances from Alan Foster and Andrew Ciccone. The Fellows could probably use one more decent arm in the pen, especially if Sil-Gal starts again, but they’re not as bad off as a lot of teams.


The Merry Fellows don’t have one of the best catchers in the game. They have two of the best catchers in the game. And while the media has repeatedly implored Bombadil to deal Camelia Ploughman for one of the league’s many strong first basemen and let Elle-Rhonda Hubbard work behind the plate, the current system seem to work out fine for all concerned.

Hubbard is the marquee name here, a slugger who can hold her own against practically anyone in the league. Ploughman is a big hitter as well, and the Fellows have doubled up on third basemen. Funky Ironworker will record his 2000th hit some time in April, and all of those hits will have been for Old Forest. He’s joined by Weathertop veteran Wonai the Drooler, a two-time All-Star who strikes out way too much but does everything else just fine. Wonai can TECHNICALLY play second base, which is good because Old Forest doesn’t have a lot of time for actual middle infielders.


Now, this is the unit that makes the team run. Wart Wolfgobbler is breaking down gradually, but when he’s healthy he gives this team a jolt of power. Toifur Armorbender was 2029’s Rookie of the Year; he was a little disappointing last year, but he’ll recover. Wayne Hawks, alleged LF and actual DH, is probably better than either of ‘em. Speedy contact hitter Rasman Elong’s approach is unusual for this squad, but odds are this is the year he gets into the starting lineup. This probably isn't the best outfield in the game, but it’s right up there.


My prediction is, they’ll probably bash it out. I mean, this is a team that could almost definitely benefit from filling in a couple more holes. Then again, their ramshackle style is one of the things the fans love, and it’s not as though they have the cash to make a big play. Several of the Merry Fellows’ better players are on the wrong side of 30, but they should hold up okay for a couple years and win about 90 again this season.

Mirkwood Sylvan: Strange News Season Preview (6/26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 65-97 (4th in the Elf Division)
Major arrivals: SP Splint Cam, SP Hyman Klingerberg, C DeForest Hamrh, C Thror Grudgeslayer
Major departures: SP Zudor Denihil, C Gamlin Turtlehero, 1B Floria Gilmathien, IF Mablung Veneanar

The Mirkwood Marauders had a proud history... five titles, 15 playoff appearances and a .533 career record. But after three terrible seasons (a combined 190-296 record in 2028-30), the team has a new GM, a new manager, a new name and half a new rotation. GM Raan Filyn is looking to turn this mess around, but he’s got a long way to go.


The one area where Mirkwood is arguably above-average, it’s also the position of the Sylvan’s top two free agent signings. Splint Cam will be the first man to take the mound in a Sylvan uniform, and you could do a lot worse than the Bucklebury legend and future Hall of Famer to get people excited about this team.

But Cam will be 34 on Opening Day, and fellow signing Hyman Klingerberg will be 35... they’re both durable for their age, but they’re not the future of the team. That would be Chump Eladriewen, their 2029 first-round pick and an elite starter in the making. Eladriewen went straight from college to the majors, and while he struggled mightily as a rookie, Year 2 was a lot better. He led the league in walks last year, but part of that is that he was such an effective pitcher in every other way; despite his control issues, he was able to throw 212 innings and post an above-average ERA.

Eeaden Elralith is the favorite for the fourth rotation spot, with Gollemir Aldar and Halir Celebrimir fighting for no. 5. Neither will be great, but...


...whichever one doesn’t make the rotation will probably be the top set-up man in arguably the worst bullpen in baseball. Aside from Tanta Bracegirdle, who’s a solid pitcher but not closer material, it’s arguable the Sylvan don’t have a single major league-caliber reliever. That could be fine on nights when workhorses Cam and Klingerberg are pitching, but between Elralith’s lack of stamina and Eladriewen’s control issues, the rotation is likely to tax a bullpen that can’t really afford it.


The new arrival is catcher DeForest Hamrh. Only 16 years old, he’s already got the ability to hit well over .300, but there’s a real question as to his long-term ceiling. He doesn’t have the capacity for 40-HR power or amazing walk rates, and he’s got the kind of speed that will earn him some steals but get him caught stealing just as much. This is also a shame for Thror Grudgeslayer and Porto Bramble, who were looking to fight it out for the starting job and now find themselves with no chance.

Aside from Hamrh, Ako Smaudoc is a solid second baseman, but that’s about the only good thing that can be said here. Andrack Hardbottle gets on base a fair amount, but he’s aging. So is first baseman Bingo Fumlefot, the main difference being that Hardbottle had a successful career. Gemina Brainslammer is an excellent defensive middle infielder who can’t hit a lick.


Both Granil Ironbane and Jesus Barnwell are well-regarded as hitters. Neither Granil Ironbane nor Jesus Barnwell has yet put together a season that justifies the reputation, with Ironbane’s 2030 season being particularly disappointing. Both are 26, young enough to turn it around, but old enough that they’d better start soon.

Beyond that, there’s not much. Samwise Boyle or Marroc Sandybanks will take the left field slot. Sandybanks is the less bad hitter, Boyle is the better fielder, and neither should start. Rumak Bromberg is allegedly an outfielder and in practice the designated hitter, which is weird because he walks more than he hits, but then again he hits more than he fields. Either way, he’s not great.


Even with Cam, Klingerberg and Hamrh, Mirkwood will lose more than they win, possibly a lot more, but that’s not on Filyn or new manager Till Hilldweller. They’ll give Eladriewen a bunch of innings to get better, and they’ll see if Barnwell, Ironbane or Smaudoc can cement a place as a major part of the lineup. They’ll get some great draft picks, and probably some more great draft picks next year. Hamrh will come into his own. They’re a few years off yet.

Minas Tirith Titans: Strange News Season Preview (5/26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 71-91 (3rd in Elf Division)
Major arrivals: none
Major departures: OF Justin Bats

For no real reason other than aging, the Titans crashed last year. Almost nothing went right for them, and one of the few things that did (left fielder Justin Bats and his career-high .961 OPS) signed up with Bree in December. There are reasons for optimism, including the ever-popular “it can’t happen again” argument, but it’s safe to say that the Titans can't rebound unless they rebuild.


Here’s the good news: Lomli Ironfist has arrived. After two years spent in the bullpen for some reason, Ironfist is going to throw 200+ innings for the Titans this year, and that’s cause for celebration. Ironfist throws the ball a hundred miles an hour, he’s averaged more than one and a half strikeouts an inning in the majors, and he’s only 23. His curveball has the potential to be the best in the game today. His sinker already is.

Now, the bad news: every single other member of the Titans’ rotation is over 30, and every single one of them had a bad year last year. Most of them had terrible ones. Lanai No-Tooth was still a decent pitcher, and Sikar Daggerdrinker can point to a poor BABIP as part of his problem, but there’s a chance that Makk Areolas and Thorin Oakenshield Jr. are done being solid starters. There’s not an obvious prospect coming up to replace them, either.


Here’s the bad news: Lomli Ironfist isn’t here. He’ll do Minas Tirith more good as a starter, though. The other bad news is that there are only a few decent relievers on this team and no good ones. 40-year-old Woolley Badgerbadger is the de facto closer, but realistically he’s just a starter who's too old to do that. At this point, his biggest asset is his great name. Daero Schipper has a good fastball and that’s about it. The less said about the rest of them, the better.


This infield goes two deep, maybe three if you’re being generous. One is 2B/SS Rowan Sandyman, a decent hitter who makes his name mostly as the best defensive player in the league. (Is he $24 million good? Hard to say.) The other, Sarge Belamir, is an elite slugger and a “catcher” in name only. Beyond that, they have a decent hitter in todo Cotton and a couple fairly puny defensive specialists.


With Bats, this was one of the game’s best outfields. Without him, it’s... eh, still pretty good. Emmanuel Tetsuya never takes a walk, but he gets a lot of hits, has solid power and is one of the fastest players in the league. He’s paired with Moraigol the Elder, who’s only an average contact hitter but racks up the homers and the walks. If he wasn’t one of the league strikeout leaders, he’d be truly elite... even now, he’s still very good.

The third-best outfielder on the team is Mereahil Elarandel, who plays like a poor man’s Moraigol, striking out even more but hitting almost as many home runs. He plays DH, though, because Elegrina Elverara is the only competent center fielder on the team.


Were we seeing decline last year, or bad luck? Hard to say, but if we split the difference, give credit for Ironfist actually playing, and subtract Bats, this is a 75-win team. (Replacing Oakenshield Jr., who’s arguably the worst CAP in the league, would also help.)

April 06, 2015

Moria Miners: Strange News Season Preview (Page 4 of 26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 93-69 (1st in the Dwarf Division, lost 4-0 in Fellowship Series)
Major arrivals: none
Major departures: SP Aroborn Mu

Two of the biggest moves of the 2030 offseason happened before free agency even started. With only days to spare, the Miners brought back Porto Moss and Darryl Monkey-Shines, the pair of aces that led them to the postseason in 2030. How different would things have looked with those two on the market? Well, the guy they didn’t bring back, third starter Aroborn Mu, got $16 million a year from Bywater. With no other roster changes, the Miners are counting on the guys they have to move them forward this year.


As above, Moss and Monkey-Shines are back. The two stars are different in some ways: Moss, the ‘27 Gandalf Award winner, continues to ride one of the greatest fastballs ever seen to Hall of Fame contention. The stocky, jovial Monkey-Shines is also a hard thrower with three pitches, but he’s a bit more mortal than Moss. A three-time All-Star, Monkey-Shines came up out of the bullpen. He’s been injured. At the age of 29, he’s thrown less than a thousand major league innings. Moss, a year older, has pitched almost twice as many. Both are beloved by the fans, but this is clearly a 1-2 situation, not a 1-1a.

It’s a good thing these two came back, because the rotation drops off quite a bit from here. These days, 14-year veteran Resil Oathrender doesn’t pitch so much as he keeps the ball in the strike zone and hopes opponents beat themselves. Sometimes they do. His polar opposite looks like the fourth starter: Arweadriel Elradriend is the answer to the question “can you succeed with more walks than innings pitched?” So far, that answer has been yes, but nobody’s really convinced. He could lose his job to Bagak Ettincutter, or he could lose it to Frohil Elvaviel, and neither would be a disaster. But where’s the fun in that?


Unlike their mountain home, Moria’s relief corps doesn’t peak very high. But like Moria, the bullpen is very deep. Janice Ploughman did a decent job as the closer. She’ll probably lose the role to Arwauhir the Sling soon enough, unless Arwauhir takes his two and a half pitches to the rotation. It’s no big deal, but either of them will hold up okay. So will Sundragger, Elvaril, Green, Arathor or Buckland. It’s a 7-deep bullpen, which is rarer than it should be in this league.


The Miners have three excellent hitters, and two of them are Farmak the Runner and Nose Gladriera. Farmak, like Knucklebreaker, gets a bit lost among the plethora of excellent catchers in this league. How do you play four seasons, post a career .955 OPS with excellent defense at one of the toughest positions in the game, and only make one All-Star team? You’ll have to ask Farmak, the Rodney Dangerfield of the SGCBL.

Nobody wants to look at Gladriera’s face, but the famously ugly first baseman has a beautiful batting stroke. He’s made eight straight All-Star teams, and while his batting average and home run totals last year were near career lows, that’s probably a matter of luck more than any actual decline.

Beyond that, the infield features three veteran players likely to post an OPS around .750. You won’t get elite play from third baseman Minto Banks, second baseman Elroborn Nadrieldor or 1B/DH Suuol the Seer, but all three are major league-level players. Which is more than can be said, by the way, for any Miners shortstop, unless manager Vral Spikekiller shifts Banks over there. Injuries to Lirlei Wilthryth and Gorond Wells make matters worse, but neither was a good option to begin with. Either Moria needs prospect Kufur Coalfist to pan out quickly, or they need to make a deal.


Surprisingly, the Miners might have the worst outfield in this division. That’s not the fault of Gignar Demoneater, who’s entering his 12th season with Moria and has a chance to rack up 500 career home runs. His slower bat speed has made him less of a contact hitter, but he handles himself well and takes even more walks than he used to.

Unfortunately, leadoff man Namak Footpoker is the only other real starter on the team. The third outfielder will be either Rose Mulhall or Malin Roadapple, but the Miners shouldn’t be happy with either.


This is more or less the roster that won the Miners 93 games last year, so it’s hard to predict much less for them this season. Losing Mu will hurt, but Moria has enough competent starters to soften the blow. If the Miners just fill a couple holes (shortstop, a third outfielder) with the kind of decent players they have at other positions, they might surpass last year’s numbers. But right now, this looks like an 88-90 win team, which is fine but probably won’t get them past Bree.

Carrock Bears: Strange News Season Preview (Page 3 of 26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 82-80 (3rd in the Dwarf Division)
Major additions: SP Eormenred Urukbane, 1B Sirbag Toemasher
Major departures: SP Odessa Enthugger, OF Mamli Zaragoza

Carrock got REALLY lucky last year. Despite having the second-worst run differential in the conference, they posted a winning record, their first since 2022. The Bears have mostly decided to stand pat this year, with the exception of a couple minor trades, so they’re presumably hoping they’ll be better than their numbers again.


Give the Bears some credit: Eormenred Urukbane is a better ace than the departed Odessa Enthugger. They both have great stuff, but while Enthugger was injury-prone and tired easily, Urukbane is a relative workhorse with the potential to win 20+ games in the future, if not this year.

Beyond that, there’s nobody who stands out. Lantai Lomebrildur is hard-throwing and talented, but he’s 25 years old and posted a 5.05 ERA last year, so where are the results? He’s joined by Gigdish Moonripper, who’s practically the definition of a fourth starter. (Interestingly, the top of the Bears’ rotation is all lefties.) The rumors of a clubhouse feud between Moonripper and Peregrin Green would get a lot more publicity if either of them were better at baseball. (Green’s poor control is not a rumor: he was second in the league in walks last year.) Rounding out the lineup, Charlie Seaward is a workhorse and a team leader, known for his excellent control on the mound. Sadly, he seems to be in decline at the age of 30, posting a 5.84 ERA last year. He’ll probably make a great manager one day, though.


Led by a great one-two punch in Gandealas Faldur and David Brownlock, the Bears have half an elite bullpen. Prospect Papa Weidner has been strong in this role before, and will be again when the Bears realize he’s really not a starter. Ardaseen Elondir missed last season with a torn UCL, but hell be back in time for the start of this year. Beyond that... how many erratic strikeout artists can one team stockpile?


I’m not saying this lightly: the Bears have the worst infield in baseball. They’re not helping matters by playing Vrsus Hinak at catcher over Isumbras Trample, who’s a mediocre defender but can at least hit the ball.

Beyond that... well, new arrival Sirbag Toemasher will probably be a solid first baseman some day, and the Bears got him for almost nothing. Minor-league shortstop Gromghash Toothbelly has potential, though the Bears traded a much better player in Mamli Zaragoza for him. Beyond that... the Bears gave a large percentage of their infield at-bats last year to Song Baneguard, Fesur Denildriel and Gifur Silverbane, who posted a combined WAR of -1.0. At least two of the three are likely to figure in the lineup again this year, though they may lose time to Toemasher, 28-year-old career minor leaguer Betsie Sandyman or utility infielder Hunrik Simpson, who couldn’t crack the starting lineup for Minas Morgul.


If the outfield was as bad as the infield, we’d be looking at a team capable of breaking offensive futility records. Luckily, the outfield is actually quite good, and one of the reasons it’s so good is Celillbo Arwiama. The 24-year-old lefty is possibly the best contact hitter in the league, smacking singles and doubles in bunches while bosting a BB/K ratio well above 2. He stole 46 bases last year, making him the perfect leadoff man for a team that doesn’t have a lot of guys who can bring him in.

The good news is, three of the guys most likely to bring him in play alongside him in the outfield. Hahai Armpoker is your prototypical slugger, who doesn’t do everything very well, but does it well enough to support his real reason for existence: 39 home runs last year. Right fielder/DH Griswold Oathkiller was even better last year, though his .311 batting average was likely a fluke. Fan favorite RF Honeysuckle Bridger, meanwhile, isn’t the .300 hitter he once was. But he has 25-HR power and frequently finds himself among the league leaders in walks.

(And here’s the thing I’m not getting: Mamli Zaragoza was at least as good as any of these three. He’s a better contact hitter than Griswold, with a better eye than Armpoker and more power than Bridger. And yet after two bad months, he found himself shipped off to the SFL for a second-tier infield prospect. Not saying the Bears should have kept five outfielders, but it does seem as though Zaragoza was worth more than that.)


This was a 70-win team last year, no matter what the record says. They got marginally better, but their entire infield is a hole, and you can’t win like that even with an elite outfield. If they win 75 this year in a tougher division, they should count themselves lucky.

Bucklebury Fairies: Strange News Season Preview (2 of 26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 83-79 (2nd in the SC Dwarf Division, Wild Card winners, lost 4-1 in Fellowship Series)
Major arrivals: 2B Carl Sandburg, SS Greond Greasy
Major departures: SP Splint Cam, 2B Chukky Moss

Bucklebury was the top Dwarf Division team of the 2020s, but the 2020s are over. After winning 9 of 11 divisional titles, a run that peaked with their record-breaking 125-37 2023 season, Bucklebury was barely over .500 last year, posting their worst record since 2018 and eking their way into the playoffs on a technicality... and then they lost their best pitcher. Is there hope for Bucklebury, or are they destined to be also-rans?


Splint Cam is gone, but this is still a very competent rotation, led by lefties Crystal Goodrich and Duudak Heartmasher, both of whom had 15 wins and sub-4.00 ERAs last year. Things get a bit more questionable from there: Clarence Buckland’s control is great, but his ERA last year was 5.07, the result of a high BABIP and a penchant for allowing home runs. Jesse Faroden is a four-time All-Star, but he posted a league-average ERA and a 9-15 record last year. Then there’s Gandilgorn Hairpoker, who lost his rotation spot last year and hasn’t had an ERA+ better than 100 since 2026.

None of these guys are bums. Every one of them could very easily have a good year. The fact is, three of them haven’t recently, so the question becomes why. Pitching coach Golleomir Merauman has a great reputation, but he’s not making these players better. Part of it could be the defense, and the good news is that that’s improved. It’s also possible the back of the rotation might just not be as good as the scouts say. For better or worse, we’ll have a clearer picture by the end of the year.


If the rotation is unexpectedly questionable, the bullpen is just straightforwardly bad. Samwise Underhill lost his job as closer last year after a lousy 2029 performance, and seemed to be decent in a lower-pressure role. It’s looking like he’s going to lose out on the closer job again, this time to Milo Centaur, who divisional rivals Bree were glad to be rid of. Beyond that, Huuol the Stutterer is a decent mop-up guy, and veteran journeyman Borulf Clevereye has gotten by on guile up to now. They’re decent names for the back of the bullpen, but they’re Bucklebury’s third and fourth options. Things get worse from there; at least Clevereye can throw strikes.


This is definitely the area where the Fairies have made the most progress, but there are logjams at several positions. Catcher is not one of those positions, as the aging but still fearsome Scarlett III takes the field for what may be the last time. Scarlett made it to 500 home runs last year, and while she’s more of a solid no. 6 hitter than the clean-up monster she used to be, you could do a lot worse behind the plate.

Beyond that, there is little certainty. Carl Sandburg is making $14 million a year, so he’ll probably start. The Fairies dealt slugger Chukky Moss for Greond Greasy, who improves their shortstop defense. Galiamir the Iron Giant is highly touted, but his total inability to take a walk made him sub-replacement level last year. Hildibrand Bridger has been solid, and he’ll round out the starting lineup... unless third baseman Vagnar Elvawen, who struggled last year but should be better, does. Or maybe Rinak Shewmaker, who hit 24 home runs last season, plays first. Or...

...the point is, no matter who the infield is, they’re going to be pretty good, but greatness is unlikely from any source.


Conversely, the outfield only features two clear starters. Fasur Ringbender is one of the marquee guys here, a slugger who strikes out too much and doesn’t walk enough but does everything else superbly. He made his first All-Star Game last year, then missed a month with various injuries. He’s never played more than 127 games in a season, but maybe this is his year.

More reliable is Puuggek Headgobber, who had an excellent rookie season, posting a .912 OPS. He might not be THAT good, but he has no real weaknesses as a player, and he can play any OF position, though left is the only one he SHOULD play.

Center fielder Brianna Rethiel hit 28 home runs last year, and despite her propensity for strikeouts, she probably rounds out the starting lineup... but she’s not starting in spring training. That honor is going to DH Balin Chiselarm, a slugger who’s looking like a quadruple-A bat, and Vrudak the Stutterer, who proved last year that an empty .350 batting average is still a .350 batting average. The alarminly named Ricardo Halflinglover might be better than any of them, but that’s a relative statement. Knowing Ringbender’s history, whoever gets shut out now will have a chance soon enough.


Bucklebury is a team full of underachievers. They made two big changes this year, losing Cam and picking up middle infielders... but they’re the rare team that already HAD enough middle infielders, and while Sandburg will do a professional job, I don’t know that Greasy is an all-around upgrade over the likes of Galiamir or Bridger. This was a .500 team last year, made a little better by Cam, and without Cam I’d expect them to slip to 75-80 wins.

Bree Cheese: Strange News Season Preview (1 of 26)

Strange News from Bree - Every year, local newspaper Strange News From Bree prints a special edition featuring full-page previews of all 24 SGCBL teams, plus overall predictions for the Shire and Mordor Conferences. We present here the issue in...

Last year: 70-92 (4th in the Dwarf Division)
Major additions: (inhales deeply) SP Edmund Boroden, SP Larry Niven, SP Peregrin Fields, RP Don Earathien, 1B Betsie Hilldweller, SS Valentine Denelmore, 3B Halewyn Chang, OF Justin Bats, OF Dejahdor Stonerapper
Major departures: SP Ulmina Elreoma, SP Kignar Livertrembler, RP Milo Centaur, OF Ive Gollilas, OF Ponto Bramble

For the first time in a while, fans of the Bleu and Gold have something to be excited about. The buzz started late last year, where after a dismal spring and summer, Bree fans saw signs of hope in September. New manager Tonak Gnomedragger led the team to a 16-15 record to close out the year. They were better than those numbers too, outscoring opponents by an average of 1 run per game during that stretch.

All that was made borderline irrelevant, though, by one of the biggest winter shakeups in SGCBL history. Only three position players and two starting pitchers remain from last year’s team. In their place, we see a trio of SGCBL veterans and a whole lot of SFL talent, including both 2030 MVPs and both Outstanding Pitchers.


In his two SFL seasons, Edmund Boroden went 37-5 with a 2.37 ERA, posted 442 strikeouts and only 65 walks in 360 innings, and won two Outstanding Pitcher Awards. He’s not a lock for that award against tougher Middle Earth competition, but he’s arguably a top-5 pitcher in the league, comparing favorably to the likes of Levi Legura and Gleonyc Kendrick. Obviously, this is great news for the Cheese.

Ulmina Elreoma was shipped out in the Boroden deal, meaning the no. 2 rotation spot is a race between the oft-injured Aruden Fistslammer and blue-chip kid Meriamli Rockcrusher, who shows up at camp much improved from last year’s failed September call-up. Crafty veteran Larry Niven and somewhat less crafty veteran Peregrin Fields would be no. 2 guys on a lot of rotations around the league, but they comprise the back end here, leaving “The Noble Savage” Jean-Jacques Rousseau and his 2.97 ERA out in the cold. (Well, until Fistslammer or Fields gets hurt.)


A last-minute trade with Serenity Valley makes this a lot less of a liability. Don Earathien shouldn’t expect a second straight sub-1.00 ERA, but he’s still better than most closers in this league, and a big upgrade over the aging Milo Centaur. Meanwhile, set-up men Celiborn Halelbo and Namak Bloodbelly join Sabino Fadrielinde and Elrelf Isan. It’s not an elite bullpen, to be sure, but it's something approaching average.


Catcher Eideron Knucklebreaker was good but not great last year. This season, he’s expected to put everything together. He’s been overshadowed by Trollbasher and Xanatos, but he’s got the potential to be a player of the same caliber as those two.

The rest of the infield is short on question marks, but also on star power -- with one notable exception. Third baseman Halewyn Chang hacked 48 home runs in 123 games last year, winning the MVP for Chiba City. His raw power probably isn’t up to that level every year, but there’s a lot more to like about Chang, including his plate discipline: over the last two years, he’s posted 203 walks and only 37 strikeouts.

First baseman Betsie Hilldweller was one of the more risky acquisitions GM Tobias Goatleaf made this winter, given her checkered injury history and .679 OPS last year. She's been excellent as recently as 2029, so it's not crazy to expect some sort of rebound. Up the middle, Todo Kendrick offers power, Valentine Denelmore offers on-base percentage, and they both offer solid defense. Neither of them offers much more, though.


Last year, Davey Ironmaster was an All-Star. This year, he’s the Cheese’s third outfielder. Ponto Bramble and Ive Gollilas are out, and Justin Bats and Dejahdor Stonerapper are in. Bats became the fourth-highest-paid outfielder in the league, making $17 million a year, but given his .961 OPS for Minas Tirith last year, he seems poised to earn all that and more. As for Stonerapper, he was an MVP for Oz and a probable All-Star caliber player here. Stonerapper does no one thing brilliantly but just about everything very, very well.

This is not to dismiss Ironmaster, mind you. He doesn’t take enough walks, but the center fielder does just about everything else well. His All-Star appearance last year was well-deserved, and he’s still a player on the rise. So is probable DH Tom Bird, who has .300/40 HR potential but gets let down by poor pitch recognition.


New GM Tobias Goatleaf clearly wants to restore Bree to its past glory, spending big on a handful of free agents and dealing for elite SFL talent. The question becomes, how well did the Cheese scout the SFL arrivals? On paper, this team could be as good as anyone short of Minas Ithil, but a lot of the additions have never played a game at this level, and players like Niven, Fields and Hilldweller might be past their sell-by date. This is a 90-win team at worst, but Goatleaf paid for 100, and the Cheese just might give it to him.

April 02, 2015

Foisil Ringbiter out of Lineup 4 Months

Saturday, March 1st, 2031 Foisil Ringbiter at first refused to leave today's Rivendell-Bree game after he suffered shoulder inflammation while throwing a pitch. But his manager convinced him not to be foolish. "I want to be on the field," the...

Bree Wins Lottery for SP Niven

Tuesday, February 25th, 2031 In what local scribes are hailing as a huge move for the team's future, the Cheese inked a $56,000,000 deal with starting pitcher Larry Niven. Team officials expect Niven to fill an immediate void on...

March 30, 2015

Cheese, Fireflies Agree to Deal

Monday, February 17th, 2031 Several Cheese and Fireflies players soon will have to start shopping for a new home. It was announced today that the two teams came to agreement on a trade. Bree will get 25-year-old RHP Donethirion Earathien,...

Star Crossed: Gollilas, Stonerapper Switch Teams

Monday, February 17th, 2031 The Bree Cheese and Land of Oz Munchkins are the top story in baseball circles today with a huge trade. The Cheese will give up 29-year-old LF Ive Gollilas, 27-year-old 2B Eranak the Unknowing, 28-year-old SS...

March 28, 2015

Boroden Joins Cheese in "Crazy" Deal

Monday, February 17, 2031 After two years as the hottest pitcher in space, "Crazy Eddie" is coming to Bree-Land Ballpark. Edmund Boroden, who went 37-5 in two years with the Discworld City Watch, is joining the Cheese in exchange for...

"This is the marquee guy we've been looking for in our rotation," Bree GM Tobias Goatleaf was quoted as saying. "Boroden is a strikeout artist, he rarely if ever gives up a home run, and he's got elite control. There's a reason he was the top pitcher in the Fantasy League two years running -- he's got everything." Goatleaf went on to cite Boroden's record, his nearly spotless injury history, his strikeout totals and his shutout against Minas Ithil in the Ultimate championship. "If we're going to win a championship, we need players who know how to win championships. Boroden is such a man."

Meanwhile in Discworld, the mood was cautiously optimistic. One City Watch fan said, "If you look at the deal, it's five players for one, so we actually get better in a lot of ways. We get three pitchers who are better than anyone except Bloodcrawler... Elreoma might be better than Bloodcrawler. And Eddie only pitches once every five games. Having Ulreoma, Livertrembler and Gladur out there, instead of a guy like Lungwen or Celadrieng, helps us three-fifths of the season." The fan went on to say that Po was an ideal cleanup hitter who could play either corner outfield position, and the Watch needed players at both. "Ook ook," the fan added.

It's the latest move in a very the Cheese as we know them. The team that takes the field on Opening Day will feature two new rotation members and four new starters in the field. Asked whether this was the end of the shakeup in Bree, Goatleaf replied, "I don't know. My plan is to build a team now that will endure for the next five to seven years at least. If we can find a player who fits into that long-term future, I don't want to pass him up, but it goes without saying I'm happy with the roster we're putting out there already."

March 26, 2015

1B Hilldweller Signs $31,280,000 Contract with Bree

Thursday, January 23rd, 2031 Cheese officials presented Betsie Hilldweller to members of the local print media today as their new first baseman. The deal, worth $31,280,000, guarantees the 32-year-old a home in Bree for 4 years. It should improve the...

the Independent Agrees to 4-Year Pact with Bree Cheese

Thursday, January 16th, 2031 In a move expected to bring depth to the Cheese, Bree brass announced the signing today of left fielder Po the Independent. the Independent will be pocketing $2,000,000 per season, an amount some BNN analysts think...

March 03, 2015

Bree Deals Sandybanks to Chiba City

Tuesday, December 31st, 2030 Halewyn the Chang clubbed 48 home runs for Chiba City this season. Now the superstar is on the move to Middle Earth, where he'll suit up as the Bree Cheese's new third baseman. In return, the...

Denelmore to Bree; Dyson Picks Up Bramble

Tuesday, December 31st, 2030 During his ten seasons in Bree, Ponto Bramble has been a rising star, a disappointment, and a fan favorite. He's been a two-time All-Star and a two-time stolen base champion. But now, he'll be headed to...

February 23, 2015

Bree Wins Lottery for SP Fields

Thursday, December 19th, 2030 Fans in Bree ushered in Peregrin Fields today as their new starting pitcher. The 31-year-old came to terms with the Cheese and will be hauling in $8,500,000 a year over 6 years. Fields has a lifetime...

Cheese Win Sweepstakes for LF Bats

Tuesday, December 17th, 2030 Fans were ecstatic as the Cheese broke word that they had reached an agreement with Justin Bats, the phenomenal young left fielder today. The deal, valued at $17,000,000 per year, will last 8 years and give...

January 26, 2015

New Look For Bree-Land

Monday, November 4th, 2030 - The last pitch had barely been thrown on the season when the sounds of saws and hammers began to ring out through Bree-Land Ballpark. New ownership has its sights set on bringing the Cheese back...

January 08, 2015

Star CF Ironmaster Signs for 7 years

Friday, September 27th, 2030 Bree fans celebrated as word of a signing became reality. Deivi Ironmaster won't be pulling up stakes anytime soon, as he has signed a 7-year extension at a pay rate of $4,910,000 per annum. Since he...

January 05, 2015

Grikak Spleenwhomper Joins the Hall of Fame

Thursday, September 19th, 2030 One of the best players ever, catcher Grikak Spleenwhomper, has received the ultimate honor for a baseball player -- being inducted into the Tolkien Baseball Hall of Fame. The induction ceremony, which was held today, included...

January 01, 2015

SC Player of the Week Selected

Monday, September 16th, 2030 At the age of 31, Misil Silverhead might have some potential he hasn't realized yet -- if his success at the plate last week is any indication. The Bree third baseman put up some exceptional numbers...

December 22, 2014

Goatleaf the New Big Cheese in Bree

Strange News From Bree - Less than a season after their last general manager change, the Bree Cheese find yet another man holding the reins. The enigmatic fellow calling himself "Mister Frodo" only stuck around for a few months before...

STRANGE NEWS: Obviously, you take over a team in a certain amount of disarray. Do you have any plans for turning the ship around?

TOBIAS GOATLEAF: Well, I daresay the plan is to start with what we have and fix everything else. The team has a couple strong players and a few clear weaknesses. First of all, we have Knucklebreaker... a fearsome slugger and my pick for Rookie of the Year. I'm also a big fan of [Deivi] Ironmaster... one of the few Bree-men in the major leagues, and a star in the making.

SN: And about the pitching?

TG: Pitching is a tricky thing. You want to have the players to win games, but a great pitcher can easily grow too expensive to maintain. We have a very solid trio in Elreoma, Livertrembler and Rousseau, but we do need to bring in a couple more real starters.

SN: What of the bullpen?

TG: I can't say I care too much for the bullpen. Even the best reliever only throws 70 innings a game. Sabino [Fadrielinde] and Elrelf [Isan] are a good start back there, but part of why they're good is that we don't have to overpay them and harm our roster.

SN: Is that perhaps a comment on Milo Centaur and his controversial contract?

TG: Well, there are folks as could say that, and there are folks as couldn't. If we are on the record, I'll say it's about Mak Ta'Quan.

SN: Speaking of well-paid veterans, how about Grikak Spleenwhomper?

TG: Grik is a legend in Bree, and while he's not the same guy who helped us win the title those years ago, he can still contribute. I do think you'll be seeing more of him in the final month of the year. As for beyond that, I cannot say. He's talked about coming back for one more season, but he will be 40 years old. That's not as old for a dwarf, but still.

SN: Last but not least, if you could add one star player to your roster, what kind of player would you wish for?

TG: Well, an ace starter always helps, but I find it hard to pass up a slugging first baseman. First base is a need for us, and so many of the great Bree teams of the past have had a big guy knocking the daylights out of the ball, but so few of them have played first. Keep an eye out, you may see something coming.

December 21, 2014

A Breath of Fresh Air: Tobias Goatleaf Hired as Bree GM

Monday, August 26th, 2030 The Bree Cheese sent shock waves through the press corps with their hire of Tobias Goatleaf as general manager. Although the club had been looking to go in a new direction for some time, this decision...

November 17, 2014

Fistslammer Hears from Medical Staff

Tuesday, June 25th, 2030 Aruden Fistslammer will have to wait a while longer. The Bree starting pitcher was informed this afternoon that he will miss another 3 months with a forearm strain. The injury has kept him off the field...

November 15, 2014

Bree, WeMadeIt Agree to Deal

Monday, June 24th, 2030 Bree and WeMadeIt have agreed to a trade today. 26-year-old left fielder Balzag Toothchewer and 30-year-old minor league reliever Shara the Iron Fist will go to the Crashlanders. In exchange the Cheese will receive 27-year-old starting...

November 01, 2014

Swap: the Tearer for Kendrick

Monday, May 27th, 2030 The Cheese and the Lumberjacks finalized a deal this afternoon. Bree has traded for 26-year-old first baseman Todo Kendrick, 19-year-old minor league right fielder Brian Tunnelcutter, 26-year-old minor league second baseman Eranak the Unknowing and 23-year-old...

Cheese, Lumberjacks Swap Players

Monday, May 27th, 2030 Reports have surfaced that Bree has agreed to send 22-year-old minor league reliever Nuumsh Drowthrower, 26-year-old starting pitcher Thaitai Galindil, 25-year-old minor league starting pitcher James Beasley and 23-year-old minor league reliever Irene Buckland to the...

September 19, 2014

Welcome Mister Frodo to Bree

It's time, here in the great city of Bree, for a new baseball season; and, this season, we introduce a new manager of the Bree Cheese. Mister Frodo, as he wishes to be called, comes to Bree from a...

August 06, 2014

Biggles *Dogsbody Joins the Hall of Fame

Tuesday, January 1st, 2030 What a career and what a ballplayer. Biggles *Dogsbody truly was one of the best to play the game and today he was enshrined into the Tolkien Baseball Hall of Fame. "It is an honor to...

July 31, 2014

Fistslammer Signs for 4 years

Tuesday, December 11th, 2029 The Bree Cheese have finished a deal with All Star-caliber starting pitcher Aruden Fistslammer that will extend his stay in Bree at least 4 years and will pay out $44,000,000. During his career Fistslammer has registered...

June 05, 2014

Bolger Outstanding, No-Hits Darkwings

Monday, September 10th, 2029 In a seldom seen sight, Rabur Bolger threw a no-hitter as the Bree Cheese beat the Ravenhill Darkwings 1-0. In a dominating performance at Bree-Land Ballpark he struck out 9 and walked 2 while facing only...

April 15, 2014

Bramble Wins SC Player of the Week Honors

Monday, June 25th, 2029 Ponto Bramble went on a hitting rampage last week against Shire Conference pitchers and collected the Player of the Week Award. The Bree left fielder connected for 13 hits in 26 at-bats and 1 home run....

March 24, 2014

Latest Injury News for Hubb

Tuesday, May 8th, 2029 The medical report is in: the injury that has kept Bree starting pitcher Simon Hubb out of action since 05/05/2029 will sideline him for another 4-5 months. The 29-year-old Hubb, who has bone chips in his...

October 17, 2013

Bramble Jacks 3 into the Stands

Friday, June 23rd, 2028 Ponto Bramble, the Bree left fielder, blasted three homers today at Lake Town Park in the Cheese 7-5 victory against the Lake Town Archers. For the game, Ponto Bramble scored 3 times and knocked in 3...

August 29, 2013

Hubb Receives Updated Diagnosis

Tuesday, April 4th, 2028 Simon Hubb could soon be placed on the disabled list. The Bree starting pitcher told reporters that he expects to be "out of commission" for 12 months because of a torn rotator cuff. Hubb, who was...

May 13, 2013

Veteran Spleenwhomper Re-ups in Bree

Wednesday, August 11th, 2027 The Bree Cheese have finished a deal with All Star-caliber catcher Grikak Spleenwhomper that will extend his stay in Bree at least 4 years and will pay out $68,000,000. This year Spleenwhomper has hit 12 home...

December 13, 2012

Star SP Signs Pact with Cheese

Thursday, October 22nd, 2026 Media analysts hailed Bree's signing of Ulmina Elreoma, one of Tolkien Baseball's brightest stars, as a pivotal move. While the deal is certain to raise a few eyebrows, Elreoma is expected to earn every bit of...

November 12, 2012

Tusil Oathsplitter Captures SC Award

Monday, August 24th, 2026 His hard work and hustle paid off this week. The hard-working and hard-playing Tusil Oathsplitter was rewarded with the Shire Conference Player of the Week honors. The scrappy Bree Cheese first baseman hit .500 while collecting...

November 08, 2012

Grikak Spleenwhomper Gets Hit Number 2000

Thursday, August 13th, 2026 It was one of Grikak Spleenwhomper's better days at the ballpark. The Bree Cheese toppled the Erebor Eagles 5-4 and the catcher recorded his 2000th career hit. His career numbers show Spleenwhomper has batted .296 and...

November 01, 2012

Hubb Puts Spell on Carrock

Friday, July 31st, 2026 Simon Hubb of the Bree Cheese was one tough customer on the hill today. He blanked the Carrock Bears 6-0 on 1 hit, registering 11 strikeouts and 4 walks. "When he's on, he's tough to hit,"...

September 17, 2012

Fistslammer Guns Downs 16 Dragons

Saturday, May 2nd, 2026 Bree got the best of the Dol Guldur Dragons today at Bree-Land Ballpark. They won the game 4-0 behind the fine pitching of Aruden Fistslammer, who totaled 16 strikeouts in a sensational outing. Fistslammer notched the...

April's Top Starter is Elreoma

Friday, May 1st, 2026 Ulmina Elreoma's been around the league long enough to appreciate the honor he received today. After going 5-0 in April, the 31-year-old Bree hurler has been named Shire Conference Pitcher of the Month. He fanned 35...

April 12, 2012

SC's Best Starter is Hubb

Friday, August 1st, 2025: This month the Shire Conference spotlight fell on pitcher Simon Hubb of the Bree Cheese. What a July he had! A fine 5-0 won-lost record, 3.40 ERA, 5 starts, 39.2 innings pitched and 50 strikeouts --...

March 26, 2012

Bree's Oathsplitter SC Star of the Week

Monday, June 30th, 2025: Tusil Oathsplitter demonstrated his potential to be a star in the game last week and today he took home the Shire Conference Player of the Week Award. The Bree first baseman wreaked havoc on opposing pitchers...

March 22, 2012

Tandir Touches All the Bases, Hits for Cycle

Thursday, June 19th, 2025: Today at Royals Stadium Elrialob Tandir collected a cycle and led Bree to a 18-6 triumph over the Rivendell Royals. The Cheese center fielder sparked his club with 4 hits in 5 tries with 3 runs...

March 19, 2012

Grudgesmith Receives Injury Update

Wednesday, June 11th, 2025: The latest news from the Bree Cheese clubhouse is this: starting pitcher Tiran Grudgesmith is expected to be out of action for another 4 months. He has a torn labrum, sustained on 06/10/2025. The injury has...

March 15, 2012

Star of the Week Named in SC

Monday, June 9th, 2025: One of the league's most exciting young players, Tusil Oathsplitter of the Bree Cheese earned himself Shire Conference Player of the Week honors with a standout performance in last week's games. For the week the 25-year-old...

November 17, 2011

Another Fairie Repeat, Bucklebury Wins Towers

BUCKLEBURY - The Bucklebury Fairies have taken one more step toward becoming the league's first repeat champions since the Mirkwood three-peat of 2005-2007. The Fairies finished off the Bree Cheese in 6 games to take their 4th Shire Conference championship...

November 16, 2011

Bree wins Fellowship Series

BREE - For the first time since their league championship year of 2015, the Bree Cheese advanced out of the first round of playoffs by defeating the Minas Tirith Titans in 5 games. This was the first trip to the...

October 31, 2011

Injury Takes Toll, Simon Hubb Out

Wednesday, September 4th, 2024: Simon Hubb of the Bree Cheese was injured in today's game against Misty Mountain and had to be helped off the field by the trainers. The initial diagnosis is an elbow strain and he is expected...

September 01, 2011

Bree's Hubb Down with Injury

Thursday, May 16th, 2024: Cheese starting pitcher Simon Hubb will be spending 2-3 months on the shelf according to his manager. He was hurt in a recent game against Carrock throwing a pitch and suffered a strained hamstring. The Bree...

$4,500,000 Lands C Earthslasher for Cheese

Tuesday, May 14th, 2024: In a move expected to bring depth to the Cheese, Bree brass announced the signing today of catcher Vrsugar Earthslasher. Earthslasher will be pocketing $1,500,000 per season, an amount some BNN analysts think might be too...

August 25, 2011

SC's Star Player Named

Monday, May 6th, 2024: It's always a thrill for fans of the team and students of the game alike when a superstar in the making shows what he's got. Tusil Oathsplitter, the Bree Cheese 24-year-old first baseman, put himself in...

August 15, 2011

Cheese Gravedigger Suffers Injury

Sunday, April 14th, 2024: Ivette Gravedigger of the Bree Cheese could be headed for the disabled list after suffering elbow tendinitis in a game against the Old Forest Merry Fellows. She is expected to miss at least 8-9 weeks. The...

August 11, 2011

Hubb Fashions No-Hitter Against Marauders

Monday, April 1st, 2024: In a dominant outing, Simon Hubb of Bree totally silenced the bats of the Mirkwood Marauders. In the 1-0 victory he faced only 31 batters, surrendered no hits, had 6 strikeouts and 3 walks. "I'll be...

July 28, 2011

Cheese Sign Closer

Friday, March 1st, 2024: Milo Centaur became the heir-apparent to a line of superstar Bree closers, including Dejath 'Taco' Belarà and Gollaiborn 'Fingers' Fionduil when he left the SFL's Xanth Centaurs to sign with the Cheese for the next 7...

June 27, 2011

Shire Conference Selects Premier Rookie

Friday, November 3rd, 2023: This year's outstanding newcomer has been selected and the honor goes to the Bree rookie Tusil Oathsplitter -- the recipient of the 2023 Shire Conference Frodo Rookie Award. The talented Cheese first baseman took the trophy...

May 19, 2011

Spleenwhomper Wins SC Player of the Week Prize

Monday, September 4th, 2023: At the age of 32, Grikak Spleenwhomper might have some potential he hasn't realized yet -- if his success at the plate last week is any indication. The Bree catcher put up some exceptional numbers the...

May 12, 2011

Bree's Hornblower Injured, Out of Lineup

Wednesday, August 16th, 2023: The Bree Cheese were dealt a severe blow when Otho Hornblower was hurt throwing the ball recently in a game against the Carrock Bears. After the game, the team trainer reported Hornblower might have to spend...

March 10, 2011

Veteran C Spleenwhomper Stays in Bree

Friday, May 5th, 2023: Happy times in Bree as the Cheese and star catcher Grikak Spleenwhomper put the finishing touches on a $62,400,000 contract extension that will keep the 32-year-old in town 4 years longer. The signing is great news...

February 14, 2011

Soalia Lómadriethien Out of Action

Saturday, March 25th, 2023: Soalia Lómadriethien and the Bree Cheese got a bad break in today's game against the Miners as the team confirmed he will miss 10 months with a ruptured medial collateral ligament. The Cheese catcher suffered the...

November 01, 2010

SC's #1 Player, *Dogsbody of Bree

Monday, August 15th, 2022: There's nothing like being in the prime of your baseball career -- and playing like it. Just ask Biggles *Dogsbody, the Bree third baseman, who swung a sweet bat all week to not only aid his...

October 18, 2010

Bree's Biggles *Dogsbody Suffers Setback

Friday, July 15th, 2022: Bree third baseman Biggles *Dogsbody has suffered a setback in his recovery from a separated shoulder. According to Cheese officials, he will be disabled another 6 days. "Doctors are concerned with the rate of healing and...

October 14, 2010

Hall of Fame Inducts Rockbinder

Monday, July 4th, 2022: The baseball legends today welcomed to their exclusive club a new left fielder by the name of Ralin Rockbinder. His induction ceremony was held today at the Tolkien Baseball Hall of Fame. "I remember thinking to...

October 11, 2010

Biggles *Dogsbody Hurt, Out 2-3 Weeks

Sunday, July 3rd, 2022: Biggles *Dogsbody of the Bree Cheese could be headed for the disabled list after suffering a separated shoulder in a game against the Old Forest Merry Fellows. He is expected to miss at least 2-3 weeks...

Superstar Bolger Stays in Bree

Tuesday, June 28th, 2022: Bree fans celebrated as word of a signing became reality. Rabur Bolger won't be pulling up stakes anytime soon, as he has signed a 5-year extension at a pay rate of $15,000,000 per annum. Since he...

September 30, 2010

Gravedigger Fires Shutout in Bree Victory

Sunday, June 26th, 2022: It was a long day at the plate for the Old Forest Merry Fellows. They never did figure out Ivette Gravedigger and were shut out 6-0. The Bree hurler baffled them the entire game, yielding no...

August 30, 2010

April's #1 Hurler Announced: Bolger

Sunday, May 1st, 2022: Rabur Bolger's been around the league long enough to appreciate the honor he received today. After going 5-0 in April, the 31-year-old Bree hurler has been named Shire Conference Pitcher of the Month. He fanned 60...

August 26, 2010

Red-Hot Rampage Reaps SC Reward

Monday, April 25th, 2022: It can be difficult for a young player to step out of the shadows and assert himself in the Shire Conference, but last week Ponto Bramble of the Bree Cheese reminded everyone just why he's here...

May 27, 2010

Entwhisperer Signs Extension with Cheese

Saturday, September 11th, 2021: The latest news from the BNN reporters following the Bree Cheese is that an agreement has been reached with Elladan Entwhisperer to continue as their reliever for another 1 year. To date in the season, Entwhisperer...

May 24, 2010

*Dogsbody's Hit Streak Over

Friday, September 3rd, 2021: The Dunharrow Devils pitching did its job today, holding hot-hitting Biggles *Dogsbody hitless in 2 at-bats during a 3-2 victory over the Bree Cheese at Dunharrow Field. This disappointing performance ended his 25-game hitting streak. "I'm...

May 17, 2010

Anvilhead Extends Stay in Bree

Saturday, August 21st, 2021: BNN reports that the Bree Cheese have just agreed with catcher Filir Anvilhead on a contract extension. The total value is $5,250,000 for 3 years, which equals $1,750,000 per season. Anvilhead on the season is batting...

April 29, 2010

Ciryatan and Grudgetearer Traded

Monday, July 26th, 2021: The rumor has been out there for a while now and today it was made official. The Bree Cheese have sent 21-year-old minor league center fielder Phaior Ciryatan and 23-year-old minor league right fielder Mereahil Isadrielad...

April 22, 2010

Cheese Hilldweller Ends Career Because of Injury

Thursday, July 15th, 2021: Polly Hilldweller's bid to resume her baseball career is over. Tests revealed the 24-year-old Bree second baseman has suffered a career-ending injury. Hilldweller was undergoing extensive rehabilitation in hopes of repairing a torn posterior cruciate ligament,...

April 01, 2010

Kings Chill Trollthrottler's Hot Streak

Saturday, June 5th, 2021: The 21-game hitting streak of 29-year-old third baseman Saor Trollthrottler came to an end today at Capital One Stadium. The Kings held him hitless in 1 at-bat and also sent the Bree Cheese down to defeat...

March 29, 2010

SC Names Top Player of the Week

Monday, May 31st, 2021: Drigrin Lightningfoot demonstrated his potential to be a star in the game last week and today he took home the Shire Conference Player of the Week Award. The Bree first baseman wreaked havoc on opposing pitchers...

March 26, 2010

Pelham Gets Number 2000

Wednesday, May 19th, 2021: Bill Pelham reached the 2000-hit mark today. Bree's 36-year-old second baseman received a standing ovation from Bree Cheese and Bucklebury Fairies fans alike. On the day, Pelham went 1-4 in the Cheese 6-5 victory. In his...

March 11, 2010

On a Roll: Trollthrottler Hits for Cycle

Friday, April 23rd, 2021: Bree third baseman Saor Trollthrottler had a stellar day today at Bree-Land Ballpark. His 4-hit day included a cycle and 1 run batted in and was instrumental in the Cheese 7-6 victory over the Dagorlad Disaster....

March 01, 2010

3B Biggles *Dogsbody Hurt

Thursday, March 25th, 2021: The Bree Cheese got some bad news when the team learned that Biggles *Dogsbody was likely to be out for 5 months after he injured himself running the bases in today's game against the Mirkwood Marauders....

January 01, 2010

Hammermaker Takes Place Among Greats

Friday, October 30th, 2020: All-time he played in 2648 games, batted .306 with 195 home runs, 3006 base hits, 1105 RBIs and 1786 runs scored -- stats great enough to be acclaimed a baseball immortal. Kobur Hammermaker was officially inducted...

December 17, 2009

SC Player of the Week Named

Monday, September 28th, 2020: At the age of 27, Biggles *Dogsbody might have some potential he hasn't realized yet -- if his success at the plate last week is any indication. The Bree third baseman put up some exceptional numbers...

Cheese, Veteran Fionduil Agree to Terms

Saturday, September 26th, 2020: Gollaiborn Fionduil probably doesn't have his best years ahead of him, but he will surely contribute a lot to the Cheese effort. Bree locked him up for an additional 3 years at a rate of $10,000,000...

December 07, 2009

Blackroot Tops Mount Doom

Wednesday, September 9th, 2020: The 2020 League Championship Series is history and SGCBL Double A has added another champion to its record book. Blackroot prevailed over Mount Doom today with a 10-2 victory at Field of the Blondes. It was...

November 26, 2009

Shire Conference Selects Best Performer

Monday, August 24th, 2020: At the age of 29, Grikak Spleenwhomper might have some potential he hasn't realized yet -- if his success at the plate last week is any indication. The Bree catcher put up some exceptional numbers the...

November 16, 2009

Bree's *Dogsbody Snags July Batting Title

Saturday, August 1st, 2020: Biggles *Dogsbody battered Shire Conference pitchers all July and wound up taking home the Batter of the Month Award. "I've been around Tolkien Baseball long enough to know you really have to work hard day in...

November 12, 2009

*Dogsbody Picked Best Player

Monday, July 27th, 2020: At the age of 27, Biggles *Dogsbody might have some potential he hasn't realized yet -- if his success at the plate last week is any indication. The Bree third baseman put up some exceptional numbers...

November 02, 2009

Save Number 400 for Cheese Fionduil

Monday, June 29th, 2020: Today was an historic day at Woodland Field in Mirkwood. Once again the gifted bullpen specialist Gollaiborn Fionduil calmly did what he has done several hundred times previously - he saved the game for the Bree...

October 15, 2009

Bill Pelham Captures SC Award

Monday, June 8th, 2020: After all of Bill Pelham's years in baseball, some have suggested -- albeit very delicately -- that he should think about calling it quits. But the "mature adult," as he calls himself, showed last week that...

Pelham Collects Cycle

Thursday, June 4th, 2020: Getting 4 hits in a game is no easy feat, but hitting for the cycle is much more rare. Bill Pelham of the Bree Cheese was in rare form today, hitting for the cycle against Misty...

September 24, 2009

5-Hit Blitz by *Dogsbody

Sunday, April 26th, 2020: "It was almost like batting practice. I saw the ball very well and could just about hit it anywhere I wanted." That's what Bree third baseman Biggles *Dogsbody said to BNN reporters after his fantastic 5-6...

July 25, 2009

*Dogsbody wins MVP

Not only did Biggles *Dogsbody's .362 average win him the batting title and help earn his first Sam Gamgee Batter award, but his fine season got him plenty of votes to pick up the Shire Conference Aragorn MVP. With 224...

Shire Conference Picks #1 Rookie

For several weeks the rumor mill had it that the 2019 Frodo Rookie Award winner was a foregone conclusion and the trophy would go to Bree first baseman, Drigrin Lightningfoot. It is no longer a rumor -- the Shire Conference...

Bree's *Dogsbody Takes 2019 Sam Gamgee Batter

Bree's Biggles *Dogsbody put the wraps on a fine campaign today by winning the 2019 Shire Conference Sam Gamgee Batter. He scorched the opposition with a .362 average, picking up 224 hits, 39 doubles, 8 triples, 24 home runs and...

June 22, 2009

Hoarwell Hookers Win League Championship Series

At Hookers Ballpark today Hoarwell outclassed the Eldalonde Nobles 2-1 and won the SGCBL Triple A League Championship Series for the 2nd time in its club history. The Hookers rounded out the 2019 season with a 94-36 mark and wound...

June 18, 2009

Great Week for Bree's Shortstop

Veteran Bill Pelham had a great week at the plate for the Cheese to capture the majority of votes for Player of the Week in the Shire Conference. The 34-year-old Bree shortstop built a .469 average on the strength of...

June 08, 2009

SC Player of the Week Chosen

Veteran Teun Mulder had a great week at the plate for the Cheese to capture the majority of votes for Player of the Week in the Shire Conference. The 34-year-old Bree left fielder built a .500 average on the strength...

June 04, 2009

Mulder Rockets 3 HR Against Dead Marshes

Fans seated in the bleacher section at Uruk-hai Field were taking cover all day long as Teun Mulder took aim, rattling three long blasts off the seats in a display of Herculean power. Days like this are rare. After his...

June 01, 2009

Bree Re-Signs Spleenwhomper to Extension

Happy times in Bree as the Cheese and star catcher Grikak Spleenwhomper put the finishing touches on a $68,400,000 contract extension that will keep the 28-year-old in town 4 years longer. The signing is great news for Bree because players...

May 28, 2009

Mulder Belts Number 300

The crowd roared -- they knew they were seeing history -- and Teun Mulder was delighted, too -- the 34-year-old Cheese left fielder was making history with his 300th career homer. The crowd buzzed and roared again when Mulder stuck...

May 21, 2009

Duuk Braingobber Gets Hit Number 2000

Cheese right fielder Duuk Braingobber never thought his name would be associated with some of the great players in league history. Now that he has reached the 2000-hit threshold, that's all but guaranteed. Braingobber collected his big hit in a...

May 11, 2009

SC's Top Player Named

There's nothing like being in the prime of your baseball career -- and playing like it. Just ask Biggles *Dogsbody, the Bree first baseman, who swung a sweet bat all week to not only aid his team, but also pick...

April 27, 2009

Pelham Wallops #300

At Bree-Land Ballpark Bill Pelham smashed his 300th career home run in a game against Lake Town on June 10. The 34-year-old shortstop had a hand in the Bree Cheese 4-2 victory with 1 home run and 2 runs batted...

March 30, 2009

*Dogsbody Sticks it to SC Pitchers

At the age of 26, Biggles *Dogsbody might have some potential he hasn't realized yet -- if his success at the plate last week is any indication. The Bree first baseman put up some exceptional numbers the past seven days...

March 26, 2009

Season Possibly Over for Bundin Eowériand

Bree has lost right fielder Bundin Eowériand for at least 13 months. He was hurt in a game against the Archers on April 13 while colliding with a player at a base and sustained a fractured ankle. His doctors said...

January 21, 2009

Bywater wins third straight Fellowship Series

Despite a Bree comeback that made Bounders fans reach for their antacids, the defending League Champion Bywater Bounders are headed back to the Shire Conference Two Towers Series. Things looked easy for Bywater through the first 3 games. They won...

January 19, 2009

2018 Fellowship Series Preview

The playoffs are here! And Middle Earth Sports Network (MESN) has the scoop. In the Shire Conference, it's Bywater vs. Bree and Moria vs. Rivendell. Bywater is the defending SGCBL champ, and they come into the postseason winning their 5th...

January 08, 2009

Spleenwhomper Red-Hot, SC Player of the Week

There's nothing like being in the prime of your baseball career -- and playing like it. Just ask Grikak Spleenwhomper, the Bree catcher, who swung a sweet bat all week to not only aid his team, but also pick up...

Injury Sidelines Hammermaker For Year

The season is finished for Kobur Hammermaker of the Bree Cheese. The club announced today that he will forego the rest of the year because of injury. The Cheese shortstop suffered a strained achilles tendon while running the bases in...

January 05, 2009

Hookers Crowned AAA Champions

"It was two outs in the last inning of the 2018 League Championship Series and my heart is pounding. When the last out was made, a grand feeling came over me. We were the champs for today and forever. We...

December 08, 2008

Boffin of Bree Injured in Off-Field Incident

The Bree Cheese will have to do without Drogo Boffin for the next 11 months. The 36-year-old starting pitcher was injured when he was robbed at knifepoint and sustained a fractured cheekbone. In 25 starts this year Boffin has recorded...

December 04, 2008

Player of the Week: Bree Left Fielder

Veteran Teun Mulder had a great week at the plate for the Cheese to capture the majority of votes for Player of the Week in the Shire Conference. The 33-year-old Bree left fielder built a .500 average on the strength...

November 28, 2008

Biggles *Dogsbody Winner in Shire Conference

Biggles *Dogsbody, the Bree third baseman, certainly made a name for himself this past month. He banged out a .385 batting average with 37 hits, 8 home runs, 25 RBIs and scored 23 times. That kind of hitting earned him...

October 13, 2008

Hammermaker Collects Player of the Week Award

Few players his age are still in the league, but Kobur Hammermaker of the Bree Cheese clearly loves the game and clearly he can still get the job done. Last week the 38-year-old shortstop hit the ball with the consistency...

July 10, 2008

Fionduil Re-Signs with Cheese

BREE - The latest out of Bree indicates that Gollaiborn Fionduil has re-signed with the Cheese and that the 32-year-old closer is set to earn $24,000,000 over a 3-year span. Team officials tell SION the deal will be officially announced...

May 29, 2008

Bree's Pelham Acclaimed Best SC Hitter

Seasoned by several years of professional experience, Bill Pelham put together a solid offensive month for Bree and was crowned May's top batter in the Shire Conference. He batted .340 with 13 home runs, 29 RBIs and 29 runs scored....

May 22, 2008

Bree's Hammermaker Reaches 2500 Hits

It was a banner day on May 19 for Kobur Hammermaker, who collected his 2500th hit in the Bree 1-0 win over Old Forest. Hammermaker went 2-4 in the game as both Cheese and Merry Fellows fans cheered Hammermaker, when...

May 12, 2008

SC Announces Player of the Week

A red-hot bat made Biggles *Dogsbody the obvious choice for this week's Shire Conference Player of the Week. The Bree third baseman laid down some numbers that no one else could match, including a .577 average, 15 hits in 26...

April 19, 2008

Hammermaker Reaches Agreement with Cheese

BREE - SION has learned that the Bree Cheese are set to announce a free agent signing of shortstop Kobur Hammermaker. While it has yet to be confirmed, it appears the deal is worth $11,600,000 over 2 years. Hammermaker has...

March 30, 2008

Fyrith Named Shire MVP

When Bree's Gollilmer Fyrith stepped up to the plate this year, opposing pitchers trembled. Fyrith dominated the skies above league ballparks with towering shots. In the end, he racked up 55 HR and 157 RBI, finishing just 2 shy of...

March 10, 2008

*Dogsbody Tops SC with .336 Average

Biggles *Dogsbody of the Bree Cheese capped a fine season by winning the Shire Conference batting crown. He outpaced all others with his .336 average. For the season, the Cheese first baseman played in 156 games, collected 204 hits, 21...

March 03, 2008

Star of the Week Picked in SC

This week's top performer in the Shire Conference was designated hitter Gollilmer Fyrith of the Bree Cheese. He lashed out a .323 average and was voted the Player of the Week. Over the last week Fyrith tagged 10 hits in...

February 04, 2008

Dagorlad Trades Boffin to Bree for Foedelver

DAGORLAD - A trade between the Dagorlad Disaster and the Bree Cheese was made official this morning. The Dagorlad Disaster have sent 34-year old starting pitcher Drogo Boffin to the Bree Cheese in exchange for 23-year old third baseman Furan...

January 21, 2008

SC's Best Batter Selected

Gollilmer Fyrith battered Shire Conference pitchers all June and wound up taking home the Batter of the Month Award. "I've been around Tolkien Baseball long enough to know you really have to work hard day in and day out to...

January 10, 2008

Mulder Sticks It to SC Pitchers

Not every ball that came off Teun Mulder's bat last week was a line drive or a towering shot -- it just seemed that way to the teams that played the Bree Cheese. For his exploits, Mulder was named this...

January 07, 2008

Super Swinger Snags SC Player of the Week

At the age of 31, Teun Mulder might have some potential he hasn't realized yet -- if his success at the plate last week is any indication. The Bree left fielder put up some exceptional numbers the past seven days...

Mulder Rockets 3 HR Against Carrock

BREE - Teun Mulder believes in the Big Bang Theory. He proved it June 5 by going deep three times against the Carrock Bears. The heavy-hitting Bree left fielder added a lot of firepower and excitement to today's 28-2 win...

November 30, 2007

Belebrildur swapped to Dragons

DOL GULDUR - News today that long-time Cheese hurler, Dejatok 'Deja K' Belebrildur, has been sent to the Dragons in exchange for draft picks. Belebrildur, 34, has been with the Bree organization since 2003 when he signed a minor league...

November 01, 2007

Bree Crowned SGCBL Champions

BREE - The Bree Cheese ignited a huge celebration as they beat the Misty Mountain Hops 4-1 to win the Return of the King Series. Bree won the series 4-2, capturing the title for the 1st time. "We stepped it...

October 05, 2007

Bree Designated Hitter Gets 300th Home Run

"I wasn't trying to hit a homer. I just wanted to make contact." That's what Gollilmer Fyrith told reporters after he made baseball history on August 22 at Bree-Land Ballpark. The prolific slugger belted home run #300 in the Bree...

September 20, 2007

Libur Oathbane May Never Play Again

BREE - The expression on his face said it all when second baseman Libur Oathbane was injured in a game against Old Forest. You could tell that this was no minor injury. Oathbane was examined quickly by the team doctor...

September 17, 2007

Mulder Injured, Out of Lineup 12 Months

BREE - Medical officials from the Bree Cheese reported that the club's 30-year-old left fielder, Teun Mulder, suffered a fractured ankle in the July 15 matchup against the Bucklebury Fairies while running the bases. Mulder is expected to miss 12...

August 27, 2007

*Dogsbody on a Rampage, Hits Cycle

BREE - Biggles *Dogsbody of the Bree Cheese touched all the bases on June 13 in the 5-2 victory over Minas Ithil, hitting for the cycle. He teed off on Wyrms pitching for a single, double, triple and a home...

August 20, 2007

Fyrith Gets SC Batter of the Month Trophy

Seasoned by several years of professional experience, Gollilmer Fyrith put together a solid offensive month for Bree and was crowned May's top batter in the Shire Conference. He batted .299 with 10 home runs, 30 RBIs, and 25 runs scored....

August 13, 2007

Week's Premier Player - Bree's Guril

Sortai Guril punched, poked and pummeled the baseball last week and today he garnered a majority of the votes for the Shire Conference Player of the Week award. The Bree Cheese left fielder slashed out a .500 average with 13...

August 12, 2007

Bree-Minas Ithil Trade: Preposterous for 2nd pick

BREE - The Bree Cheese have parted ways with 30-year old reliever Hieronymous Preposterous, sending him to the Minas Ithil Wyrms for a 2nd round draft pick. The Cheese general manager confirmed the deal in an announcement this morning. This...

August 02, 2007

Bree's Arweoden Shines, Shuts Out Bucklebury

BREE - Bree hurler Arweolbo Arweoden put on quite a show on April 25 as he blitzed the Bucklebury Fairies with a 3-0 shutout. He baffled them with fastballs and changeups, allowing 1 hit with 3 strikeouts and 2 walks...

May 21, 2007

Pelham's Strong Week Earns SC Trophy

Bill Pelham has just enjoyed one of the better weeks of his career. That fact was not lost on Shire Conference officials, who named him Player of the Week. Pelham logged a .409 batting average for the Bree Cheese, racking...

May 04, 2007

Major Injury Threatens Oathdelver's Career

BREE - The expression on his face said it all when catcher Lobur Oathdelver was injured in a game against Carrock on July 30. You could tell that this was no minor injury. Oathdelver was examined quickly by the team...

April 16, 2007

Fionduil inks extension

BREE - MESN reports that the Bree Cheese have just agreed with closer Gollaiborn Fionduil on a contract extension. The total value is $15,900,000 for 3 years, which equals $5,300,000 per season. In the 2014 season Fionduil has worked 39.2...

Fyrith captures SC Batter of the Month Award

Hot-hitting first baseman Gollilmer Fyrith of the Cheese really pounded Shire Conference pitchers in June, winning the Batter of the Month award. He hit .301 with 13 home runs, 25 RBIs, 20 runs scored and 15 walks to finish with...

April 09, 2007

Fyrith Red-Hot, SC Player of the Week

Shire Conference pitchers will attest that it was tough to get Gollilmer Fyrith of the Bree Cheese out last week. His all-around performance at the plate made him the league's most recent Player of the Week. The 30-year-old first baseman...

April 02, 2007

Bree Shortstop Injured

BREE - Watching Bork Beavercleaver getting helped off the field today at Bree-Land Ballpark, fans of the Bree Cheese feared the worst. The news wasn't quite as bad as initially feared, but the shortstop will miss 11 months with a...

March 29, 2007

Pacing the Bree Attack, First Baseman Fyrith Takes SC Batter of the Month Honors

BREE - Nobody was hotter in May! Gollilmer Fyrith caught the Shire Conference's attention by putting together a .290 AVG, 11 HR, 30 RBI line last month. These numbers, combined with a .388 OBP, earned him SC Batter of the...

March 22, 2007

Tovar traded to Cheese

RAVENHILL - On the same day she was named the Mordor Conference Player of the Week, Inadora Tovar finds herself boarding an ox cart for Bree. The Darkwings first baseman was traded to the Cheese, along with outfielder, Teun "The...

March 17, 2007

Zoot the Unchaste Magically Mutated!

Special to the Weekend Edition of Strange News From Bree BREE - Zoot the Unchaste, three-time Legolas Award-winning Center fielder of the Bree Cheese, has suffered a complete personality and body transmutation resulting from a freak accident at the Bree-Land...

Standing in the doorway to the Exhibition Hall, Zoot the Unchaste had turned to the sound of running feet just in time to see The Bizarrely-Formed-And-Extremely-Klutzy diving headlong after a falling box. The light explosion caused The Unchaste to stagger back into a table upon which sat a display of eleventy-leven of the new Horizon Cellular Palantirs. The palantirs were knocked loose from their display stands and sent rolling off the table and bouncing down the stairs into the service area and then into a boiler hatch that unfortunately had been left open by its orc stokers.

As the palantirs overheated, the bung plugs, into which the seeing magic had been injected, failed. The palantirs launched themselves up through the heating ducts like rocket-powered cannon balls. Unfortunately, the boiler was directly below the racks of magical weapons on display in the Exhibition Hall above. Dozens of late-model weapons, including Hammers of Pounding, Swords of Slicing and Dicing, and Spears of Brittany, were blasted from their racks and blown into the other displays of magic items.

At this point, things got out of control. No one knows exactly what happened in the next few moments. With the Exhibition Hall filled with magical rings, magical bracelets, magical lockets, magic eyeglasses, magical staffs, magical armor, magical pipeweed pipes, magical hobbit toenail clippers, and other magical items, not even the great, departed Gandalf the White could have made sense of it.

The only surviving eyewitness, Zoot the Unchaste, last remembered peaking out from behind a Mirror of Galadriel Mark III - where she had taken cover - and seeing a Helm of Ridiculous Randomness flying directly at the mirror.

It was several hours before rescuers could enter the eerily-glowing remains of the Exhibition Hall. When they finally did, they found only one living soul, who was found beneath the remains of the surprisingly undamaged mirror. It was several more hours before the still-unidentified survivor awoke and the shocking discovery was made.

Zoot the Unchaste is no more. She has been completely magically transmuted into a totally different being. The 29-year-old is now a 21-year-old. The Center fielder is now a First-and-Third baseman. Yes, "man"- she is now a he.

Follow up: The ballplayer-formerly-known-as-Zoot-the-Unchaste has decided that a change-of-life requires a change-of-name and that the ballplayer-formerly-known-as-Zoot-the-Unchaste is now to be known as Biggles Dogsbody.

Follow up: Biggles Dogsbody will retain Zoot the Unchaste's slot on the Bree Cheese roster, but due to the radical body change, "her" statistics will be considered those of a different person from "his" statistics.

Follow up: League officials have decided that Zoot the Unchaste's $300,000 lifetime contract will carry over as Dogsbody's contract. On leaving the hearings, Dogsbody was overheard to mutter something about "cheap bastards (unintelligible) bribes". When asked to clarify, Dogsbody claimed to have been misunderstood and that he really said "Cheese batters have lots of pride".

Editor's note: This was the third such magical explosion accident at the Bree-Land Magic Works in the past year, but is the first to result in such a dramatic transmutation. Bree-Land OSHA officials have launched an investigation into the safety practices at the facility.

January 16, 2007

Hall of Famer to lace up cleats again

BREE - He retired 5 years ago. He was elected to the Hall of Fame 3 years ago. He holds the record for the lowest season ERA (1.59), was named to the Mordor All-Star Team 3 years in a row,...

January 15, 2007

Bree wins Dwarf Division with teamwork

BREE - Another year, another division title for the Cheese. This time more than ever, it was a team effort. Every player seemed to contribute throughout the year with no single player standing out. There are no 20-game winners on...

January 04, 2007

Torg Shinsnapper of the Bree Cheese Honored as Shire Conference Pitcher of the Month

It was a sensational August for Torg Shinsnapper as he mystified, mesmerized, and terrorized opposing batters to capture the Pitcher of the Month trophy. Included in his spectacular stats was a 5-0 won-lost mark in 5 starting appearances. Shinsnapper permitted...

November 30, 2006

Shire Conference Proclaims Oathdelver of Bree Top Player Last Week

The 32-year-old Bree Cheese catcher might not have the spring he had in his step years ago, but the "old man" can still play the game. Lobur Oathdelver has been a reliable ballplayer, one who has worked hard to earn...

November 02, 2006

Cheese Blank Moria, Swordbasher Picks up 1-hit shutout Victory

MORIA - Everything clicked on the hill on April 26 for Vrsol Swordbasher of the Bree Cheese as he hurled his club to a shutout win over the Moria Miners, limiting them to 1 base hit while recording 10 strikeouts...

October 30, 2006

SC Reveals Bree Shortstop Pelham As Player of the Week

Bree Cheese fans are celebrating Bill Pelham's selection as SC Player of the Week. Pelham assembled some pretty stout credentials over the past seven days. He coaxed 11 hits out of 28 at bats and jogged down to first 1...

October 04, 2006

Bree signs starter

BREE - The Cheese went after free agent hurler, Gollogrin Gaum, with a big check and snared the 36-year-old hurler with a 2-year, $15 million deal. Gaum, 36, had been a fixture of the Numenor staff since joining the team...

September 23, 2006

"The Claw" headed for Dead Marshes

DEAD MARSHES - The Uruk-hai announced a deal with Bree that will make Kobur Hammermaker a member of the Dead Marshes team. The Cheese star shortstop will be headed to the Mordor Conference for the first time in his career....

September 12, 2006

Old Forest Crowned Shire Champs!

OLD FOREST - The Old Forest Merry Fellows outlasted the Cheese to take the Shire Two Towers Series and their 2nd conference championship trophy. It took 7 games for Bombadil's squad to make it, but they will be back in...

September 11, 2006

Bree wins Fellowship Series

BREE - It took 6 games, but the Cheese finally broke their consecutive string of Fellowship Series losses. Bree won their first Fellowship title since 2004 by defeating Mirkwood before 60,000 Cheese-heads in Bree-Land Ballpark on October 11. In Game...

September 08, 2006

Bree wins 7th division title

BREE - The Cheese overcame an early lead by Bucklebury to finish ahead by 7.5 games and take the Dwarf Division for the 7th time. Bree will head to the playoffs for the 9th straight time in 10 seasons....

August 31, 2006

Kobur Hammermaker out for 4-5 weeks

BREE - Lake Town's Derrin Trollworker drilled Bree's shortstop Kobur Hammermaker in the 7th inning on September 11. He was slow getting up and had to leave the game. Kobur Hammermaker will miss at least 4-5 weeks. Bree wasted no...

August 24, 2006

Shinsnapper and Boreborn receive Pitcher of the Month award

Bree's pitcher Torg Shinsnapper is the Shire Conference winner of the Pitcher of the Month award in August. He went 3-0 in August and finished the month with an ERA of 1.29. He struck out 26 in 42 innings. Torg...

Bree's Guril earns Batter of the Month award

Bree's leftfielder Sortai Guril had some reason to celebrate, as the league named him the Shire Conference Batter of the Month. Sortai pounded opposing pitchers, hitting .408 with 6 and 27 RBI while slugging .735. He has hit 15 bombs...

August 10, 2006

Bree's Braingobber severely injured

BREE - Bree's Duuk Braingobber suffered a serious injury August 2 in a game against Moria. Braingobber fell down while running the bases and couldn't get up without help. He will miss probably 4-5 weeks. Bree wasted no time and...

July 24, 2006

Vrsol Swordbasher blanks Bywater with a 1-hitter

BYWATER - Vrsol Swordbasher took the mound on June 28 and never left. And Bywater hitters couldn't touch him at all. Bree's right-hander gave up just one hit in his 1st shutout of the season. He now has 5 career...

July 18, 2006

Shinsnapper Returns to Bree

BUCKLEBURY - Fairie ace, Torg Shinsnapper, is returning to the Bree organization for the first time since being traded as an injury-plagued AA reliever in 2005. Bucklebury dealt the 30-year-old right-hander to the Cheese for 17-year-old Foiron Gororon, who was...

July 16, 2006

Bree's Fyrith wins Player of the Week award

Gollilmer Fyrith from Bree wins his 3rd Player of the Week award for putting up the best numbers this week in the Shire Conference. In 20 at bats he hit .500 with 3 HR and 7 RBI. This year Fyrith...

July 06, 2006

It's NO-NO time for Arweolbo Arweoden against Bucklebury

BREE - Arweolbo Arweoden had some fun again on May 22. REAL fun. Bucklebury hitters did not. Bree's lefty fired a no-hitter in his 1st shutout of the season. He now has 1 career shutouts in 105 games started. 'I...

May 11, 2006

Minas Morgul's Imrilron named Batter of the Month

Bree's designated hitter Gollilmer Fyrith had some reason to celebrate, as the league named him the Shire Conference Batter of the Month. He had an on base percentage of .432 and hit .340, while driving in 26 runs. Fyrith has...

May 04, 2006

Fyrith (BRE) and Imrilron (MIN) win P.O.W. award

The Player of the Week award in the Shire Conference goes to Bree's Gollilmer Fyrith this time, as the designated hitter displayed the best offensive perfomance in his league. Gollilmer pounded opposing pitchers, hitting .500 with 4 HR and 6...

Bree's Arweoden out for 7 weeks

BREE - Bree's lefty Arweolbo Arweoden suffered a severe injury on September 14 and will be out for at least 7 weeks. In the 4th of the game against Old Forest he experienced pain in his throwing arm and had...

April 27, 2006

Pitcher of the Month award winners announced

Winner of this months Shire Conference Pitcher of the Month award is Bree's Arweolbo Arweoden. His record of 3-0 in 5 was among the leagues best this month. In 35.2 innings of work he allowed just 17 hits while striking...

April 10, 2006

Bree's Fyrith wins Player of the Week award

It's the 1st time that the Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Bree's designated hitter Gollilmer Fyrith. Gollilmer went 8 for 18 (.444), while hitting 2 HR and collecting 7 RBI. He got at least one hit...

April 06, 2006

Troublemaker and Fimir receive Pitcher of the Month award

The best month of July in the Shire Conference certainly had Bree's left-hander Halleron Troublemaker, earning her the Pitcher of the Month award. She started 6 games in July, going 6-0 and compiling an ERA of 1.20 in 45 innings....

April 05, 2006

Bree, Lothlorien swap minor leaguers

BREE - The Cheese agreed to a deal with the Lumberjacks that will send infielder Fogan "Caveman" Cavernfist to Lothlorien in exchange for catcher Puuggek Humanslammer. Cavernfist, 28, is primarily a third baseman with a reputation for his arm and...

February 27, 2006

Bree's Grunthos the Flatulent wins Player of the Week award

The Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Grunthos the Flatulent, Bree's starting leftfielder. He had an on base percentage of .560 and hit .476, while driving in 9 runs. This year the Flatulent drove in 23 and...

February 20, 2006

Bree's Fandil severely injured

BREE - Bree's pitcher Phaitai Fandil was part of a scary incident that saw the right-hander being hit by a line drive in the 3rd inning of the game between Bree and Mirkwood on May 1. Team trainers immediately rushed...

February 09, 2006

Vrsol Swordbasher dominates Moria, throws NO-HITTER

MORIA - Great things can happen when you throw strikes. And Vrsol Swordbasher did so on April 6, in a no-hit shutout against Moria. Thurlla Norà spoiled the bid for a perfect game when he walked with no outs in...

January 25, 2006

More Bree Housecleaning

BREE - The Cheese have decided it's "out with the old, in with the new" as they entered into another trade, this time with Old Forest. They sent outfielder, Noilin Ringcrusher, and reliever, Dejath "Taco" Belarà, to the Merry Fellows...

Arwodur traded to Dead Marshes

BREE - Wasting no time after yet another disappointing playoff run, the Bree Cheese struck a deal with Dead Marshes to send their one-time ace, Ban Arwodur, to the Uruk-hai in exchange for reliever, Hofur Goldcutter. Arwodur, 34, is a...

January 20, 2006

Bywater defeats Bree

BYWATER - The Bywater Bounders picked up from their hot regular season finish to win the first round of the playoffs against Bree. Bywater took their first Fellowship Series title since 2003. It looked like the Cheese might stop the...

Game 2 looked to be a similar struggle when, with the score tied 1-1 in the 5th, Neegar Nosegobbler broke open the game with a 2-run double. Bywater won 6-3.

In Game 3 with Bree up 4-3 in the 9th, Duuk Braingobber looked to have put the game away with a 2-run shot off Fisil Goldworthy. But Fionduil allowed 3 hits and with 2 men on Ceonvan Fleam sent a homer down the left field line for 3 runs and a Bywater win.

In Game 4, the Cheese had starter Dejatok Belebrildur cruising with 11 strikeouts and a 3-3 tie, but the Bounders struck hard in the 8th, scoring 8 runs, including a Thoma Thugast grand slam, for the 11-4 win.

Finally, in Game 5, it was Arwodur vs. Spinner again. Arwodur only pitched 1 inning before complaining of a sore back, leaving the game in the hands of the Bree bullpen who held the Bounders scoreless until the 8th. Dejath Belarà, Fradrak Demongobbler and Halleron Troublemaker pitched brilliantly, but Spinner tossed a 4-hit shutout, striking out 10. The only run of the game came on a Tinond homer in the 8th, giving Bywater the victory.

January 17, 2006

Shadowfax and Gwaihir Awards handed out

The winners of the two league awards that are based purely upon stats were acknowledged in a press briefing by SGCBL officials today. The Shadowfax Award for stolen bases was presented to Bree's Kobur Hammermaker and to Anson Banks of...

January 16, 2006

Bucklebury has no chance in a 2-hitter by Halleron Troublemaker

BREE - Bree's southpaw Halleron Troublemaker will never forget September 30. The 27-year old recorded his first career shutout, a 2-hitter, against Bucklebury on the last day of the regular season. 'I was hitting my spots. Now I'll start concentrating...

January 09, 2006

Bree wins Dwarf Division!

RIVENDELL - Winning on the road is extra sweet if it clinches your division crown. That's what the Cheese did on September 17, as Bree took its 2nd straight Dwarf Division title. It is the 6th divisional flag for the...

December 29, 2005

Belebrindil gets 400th steal

CARROCK - Bree's Arwildoc "Blitz" Belebrindil became just the 4th player to reach the 400 stolen base mark for his career. He stole it in a game against the Bears on August 25. Belebrindil, 32, has slowed down a bit...

December 12, 2005

Elrymbor traded to Rohan

BREE - One-time All-Star starting pitcher, Freodriel Elrymbor, has been traded from the Cheese to the RoughRiders. He was traded just last month from Lothlorien to Bree, appearing in just 3 games for the Cheese. Rohan management plans on using...

December 02, 2005

Gamaiborn-Bridger traded

BREE - Disappointed with the performance of power-hitting first baseman, Gandaugrin "Doggy" Gamaiborn, the Cheese sent him over to Minas Morgul in exchange for Slayers reliever, Hildibrand Bridger. Neither Gamaiborn nor Bridger have lived up to their teams' expectations, and...

November 23, 2005

Lothlorien-Bree swap pitchers

LOTHLORIEN - The saga of journeyman pitcher, Freodriel Elrymbor, has seen him off to Bree. The Lumberjacks traded the veteran player to the Cheese in exchange for 25-year-old reliever, Gamailbo "Mailman" Elvyr. Elrymbor, 31, was Gondor's 5th choice in the...

November 18, 2005

Hammermaker Tops 400

LAKE TOWN - Kobur "Claw" Hammermaker, 30, of the Bree Cheese became the second player to reach the 400 career stolen base mark. In a game against Lake Town on June 10, he swiped 2, the second one in the...

November 10, 2005

Dejatok Belebrildur blanks Bywater with a 2-hitter

BYWATER - It was a great day for Bree's right-hander Dejatok Belebrildur. The 28-year old recorded his first career shutout, a 2-hitter, against Bywater on May 27. Belebrildur (6-4) was overpowering, fanning 12 while walking 1, throwing 104 pitches. 'Today...

October 27, 2005

It's NO-NO time for Vrsol Swordbasher against Bucklebury

BREE - Bree's right-hander Vrsol Swordbasher made some history on April 25, firing a no-hitter against Bucklebury. Their hitters found out the hard way that he is among the leagues top pitchers, never having a chance against his overpowering stuff....

September 28, 2005

Cheese Return to Bree

BREE - Unveiling a new logo, Barliman J. Butterburr and company announced the return of the Bree Cheese to their original home, ending the season of the Balrogs. Before the start of the 2009 season, Mort "Sonny" Sauronson took...

September 08, 2005

Gorgoroth wins Dwarf Division

GORGOROTH - The Gorgoroth Balrogs won their 1st Dwarf Division title when Novathiel "Novacaine" Novathien stepped in as a pinch hitter in the bottom of the 9th and sent a Torg Shinsnapper pitch 399 feet into the stands for the...

September 06, 2005

Hammermaker breaks League stolen base record

RIVENDELL - In a game against the Royals on September 9, Gorgoroth's shortstop, Kobur "Claw" Hammermaker, swiped his 92nd base of the season, breaking his own record of 91 set last year. Hammermaker wasted no time. In the top of...

August 25, 2005

Minas Morgul's Legàl wins Player of the Week award

The Player of the Week award in the Shire Conference goes to Gorgoroth's Zoot the Unchaste this time, as the centerfielder displayed the best offensive perfomance in her league. She hit .550 with 12 RBI and slugged 1.050 in 20...

August 15, 2005

Season ending injury strikes Gorgoroth's Belebrindil

GORGOROTH - Gorgoroth's second baseman Arwildoc Belebrindil will miss the rest of the season. He injured himself running the bases in the game between Gorgoroth and Bywater on July 28. The injury didn't seem to be serious the moment it...

July 26, 2005

Arwodur Grumbles; Extension Talk Crumbles; Orodruin Rumbles!

BARAD-DUR - Mort Sauronson is not happy. And when Mort isn't happy, his Evil-Father-Maiar isn't happy. And when his Evil-Father-Maiar isn't happy, Orodruin rumbles! Just months into his first season as owner of the Gorgoroth Balrogs, Sauronson has been dealt...

July 07, 2005

Ban Arwodur turns in great performance against Carrock

GORGOROTH - Ban Arwodur had some fun again on May 10. Carrock hitters did not. Gorgoroth's lefty gave up just 2 hits in his 1st shutout of the season. He now has 10 career shutouts in 204 games started. Arwodur...

June 30, 2005

Pitcher of the Month award winners announced

The best month of April in the Shire Conference certainly had Gorgoroth's right-hander Dejatok Belebrildur, earning him the Pitcher of the Month award. He struck out 57 hitters in his 6 starts, putting together a record of 4-0 while pitching...

June 27, 2005

Kobur Hammermaker on fire, hits for cycle

GORGOROTH - Kobur Hammermaker led Gorgoroth to a 8-3 win over Gondolin on April 18 by squeezing five hits out of his bat. That's not the best part, though. He hit for the cycle as well! A single in the...

June 23, 2005

Swordbasher (GOR) and Gandulbo (GH) win P.O.W. award

MIDDLE EARTH - The Player of the Week award in the Shire Conference goes to Gorgoroth's Vrsol Swordbasher this time, as the pitcher displayed the best pitching perfomance in his league. Swordbasher was overpowering all week long, going 2-0 with...

June 17, 2005

Rockbinder Traded in 3-Way Deal

GORGOROTH - Ralin Rockbinder, the first player selected to play for the SGCBL in 2003, has been traded from Gorgoroth (formerly Bree) in a 3-team deal that involved the Balrogs, Bears and Fairies. Rockbinder, 28, was the league's first Frodo...

Gorgoroth, looking to move what they see as a declining Rockbinder off their payroll, put out trade feelers earlier in the off-season. Carrock, seeing the opportunity to acquire a relatively young, speedy, power hitter who is also an excellent outfielder, approached Balrog owners about the possibility of a trade. However, in order to take on Rockbinder's $13.6 million salary, the Bears would have to get rid of someone. The likely candidate was Hafur Goblincrusher. Goblincrusher, 33, has been Carrock's slugging first baseman since coming from Mirkwood in 2005. He is currently making $10.8 million, and his contract runs out at the end of this season.

The Balrogs, however, were not interested in Hafur. They turned their sights to Carrock's young catcher, Novathiel Novathien. The proposed deal would have sent Rockbinder and minor league outfielder, Kayoti the Wiley, to the Bears for Novathien and Akhakan Dimcirion. But with Carrock owners unwilling to lose Goblincrusher's bat without anything in return, they needed a third party willing to take Hafur in trade.

Enter Bucklebury. Responding to Carrock's queries about Goblincrusher, the Fairies offered to a straight swap of their 1B, Galogorn Elvol, for Goblincrusher. Elvol, 32, doesn't have Hafur's power, but he has a better batting average, and for $8 million less than Goblincrusher, the Bears jumped at the opportunity.

Additionally, Gorgoroth agreed to a deal that would send outfielder Rabur "Rocky" Rockback to the Fairies in exchange for reliever Haleodriel Grilbo.

So, Gorgoroth gets Novathien, Dimcirion and Grilbo; Carrock gets Rockbinder, K. the Wiley and Elvol; and Bucklebury gets Goblincrusher and Rockback.

June 11, 2005

Balrogs re-hire Anylith

GORGOROTH - One of the last things the Bree Cheese did before becoming the Balrogs was release starting pitcher Dejahth "Animal" Anylith to get rid of his expensive contract. One of the first things Gorgoroth owners did was hire him...

Sauronson Sacks Bree: Team Moved to Gorgoroth

First came the hoards of Mumakil. Then, a swarm of Orcs. The livestock and citizens of Bree were caught unawares as the Sacking of Bree began. Homes and Houses of Ill Repute burned to the ground while unspeakable horrors...

What could Sauron want with a baseball franchise? Insiders say the shocking move was instigated by Sonny's love of baseball, which he had fostered since youth. When his old Dad asked him to take over as second-in-command for the Witch King of Angmar, who had incidentally left to join the Misty Mountain Hops, Sonny refused, and confessed his great desire to play ball. Sauron relented and allowed Sonny to chase his dream, issuing the order to take over any team in the league.

"At first, we was supposed to take over Moria," said Ghelak Braingobbler, first lieutenant in the Orc army. "Well, we found out we was wrong and went to Rohan instead. I expected there'd be horses here, but all I seen is a prancing horsey picture on that sign there!" he said, pointing to The Prancing Pony.

When questioned about the Rohan-Moria-Bree mix-up, Sauronson's people were tight-lipped. "All we can say, at this point, is that we are trying to nose out the source of the mix-up, and we will issue a report when we've caught wind of what went wrong," said team representative, Nose of Sauron. The ever-watchful Other Eye of Sauron merely looked on as confused reporters, and burning peasants stumbled in and out of the scene.

Sauronson himself announced that there would be a change in team name and logo, and that the franchise would be moving to Gorgoroth. "We will now be known as the Gorgoroth Balrogs," said Sauronson, giddy with glee. "And it'll be ever so much fun!" It was announced at the same time that former Bree Cheese manager Barliman J. Butterburr would be kept on as manager of the Balrogs. Butterburr, looking paler than usual, declined comment.

The Balrogs are expected to complete the move to Gorgoroth before the start of the 2009 season.

June 06, 2005

Middle Earthlings Break Bones Chasing Bree Cheese

via The Bree Free Press BREE - Contestants in a traditional Bree cheese-rolling competition broke bones and took skin off knees and elbows Monday in their pursuit of a giant piece of fragrant Bree cheese down a steep hill. The...

Many of the famous Tolkien Baseball Teams attended Monday's event and the local ambulance service reported three hobbits and one elf were taken to hospital with suspected fractured limbs, and 18 various orcs, hobbits, dwarves and elves were treated for bruises and abrasions.

Hobbit Begrin Starsley, shortstop for the Grey Havens Stars, suffered a bruised hip, and was seen limping after the festivities. Dwarf, Noilin "Slick" Ringcrusher, left fielder for the Bree Cheese team, was injured while running after the cheese.

"Ow, Ow....I wanted it for to celebrate a new season," he said as he clutched his already purple knee. "Oh, my manager is gonna kill me."

Orc, Mohair "Mo" Catsquisher 2nd Baseman for the Mirkwood Marauders was seen falling head over heels chasing the round stinky cheese. Geogast Febrilad, catcher, for the Carrock Bears was also among the wounded in the festivities.

Roim ‘the Old' Leatherleaf, Mayor of Michel Delving who won one of four bree cheese rolling races contested Monday, was taken to hospital on a stretcher, clutching his winning slab of stinky cheese to his chest.

"The pain was worth it," said Roim. "This cheese is going straight in a cupboard when I get home. It's definitely not for eating."

Organizer Bidoc 'Headstrong' Digger of Westmarch said Monday's event ran smoothly and injuries were down on previous years.

"It's a good part of the local heritage and a tradition we would like to keep going," Headstrong said. "Besides, Bree Cheese has been such an outstanding sponsor, donating the cheeses for these games, every year. It has everyone having a lot of great times with the families, after all family is the important part of life!"

Cheese Star Arrested!

BREE - Ralin Rockbinder is in jail following his arrest for being drunk and disorderly. The incident occurred last night at the Prancing Pony Inn. According to witnesses, Rockbinder had been drinking heavily and was complaining loudly about the Cheese...

June 03, 2005

Minas Morgul starts working on bullpen

Minas Morgul is trying to work on their biggest weakness that reared it's ugly head after a couple injuries to key players. To that end, the Slayers are trying to fix the situation. They've completed two offseason trades. The...

Bree trades Shegorn

BREE - The Cheese put Smaugorn "Foghorn" Shegorn on the block with an offer of $1 mllion to the first team that showed interest. Minas Morgul took that offer and entered a deal with Bree to bring the 30-year-old pitcher...

Two-time MVP Retires

MINAS MORGUL - Thaira "Goldie" Lómebrildur, the only player to have won the Aragorn MVP award in both conferences, has retired at the age of 36. Lómebrildur had a brilliant career that started when she was the 1st pick of...

May 30, 2005

Fellowship Series Recap

Fairies take series from Archers, 4-1 LAKE TOWN - With their ace starters, Beardcutter and Shinsnapper, winning 2 games apiece, the Bucklebury Fairies defeated the Lake Town Archers in their Fellowship Series matchup. This is the first time the Archers...

May 23, 2005

Hammermaker sets SB record

BREE - Kobur Hammermaker became the stolen base king on Oct 1 when he swiped his 89th bag in a game against Old Forest. He wasted no time, getting a single to lead off the bottom of the 1st and...

Bree clinches Shire Wild Card

BREE - With one swing of the bat, Gollilmer Fyrith won the game for the Cheese on September 26 and put Bree into the playoffs for the 5th straight season. Fyrith's 3-run homer in the bottom of the 9th against...

May 16, 2005

Bree's Arwodur severely injured

BREE - When it rains, it pours. Bree's left-hander Ban Arwodur will not pitch for at least 7 weeks, handing the team a huge setback. He suffered a serious injury in a game against Rivendell on September 17 where he...

May 12, 2005

Kobur Hammermaker ties Shire Stolen Base record

BREE - Kobur Hammermaker is a thief extraordinaire. He proved it again on September 9, tying Neegar Nosegobbler's single season Shire Conference stolen base record with his 77th swipe. In the bottom of the 2nd, he got a terrific jump...

May 02, 2005

Ban Arwodur quiets Bywater bats with shutout

BYWATER - Bree's southpaw Ban Arwodur is clearly one of the best pitchers in the game. Bywater found out the hard way on August 21, getting just 2 hits. Arwodur 1st shutout this season was a masterpiece, as he was...

April 12, 2005

Curse of the Cheese?

BREE - Fallen from their lofty perch atop the league standings, Bree ownership has been grumbling about being cursed. After last season's murder rumors, the last thing the Cheese needs is another controversy. Or is it? MESN has exclusive access...

April 11, 2005

Belebrindil breaks Triples record

CARROCK - Bree's Arwildoc Belebrindil set a new league record for triples in a season on July 8 when he got his 16th 3-bagger of the year. With 2 out in the top of the 9th, he sent a shot...

March 28, 2005

Belebrindil ties Shire triples record

MORIA - Bree's Arwildoc Belebrindil is a triples machine. He is the career leader in triples with 67, outpacing his nearest competitor, teammate Ralin Rockbinder, by nearly 20 three-baggers. On June 16 in a game at Moria, Belebrindil tied Rockbinder's...

March 11, 2005

Fairies' big arm casts a giant shadow!

Bree - The Bucklebury Fairies' ace pitcher is not what he seems: An anonymous source has informed this reporter that Fabur Beardcutter is not a dwarf as we have been led to believe, but is actually a giant! This...

... why this "dwarf" is 24 feet tall. This is somewhat taller than the typical dwarf and is definitely higher than the obviously bogus 5' 11" listed in the official records.

... why the league has to special order size 48 shoes for him. This is much larger than typically sized dwarf shoes. Indeed, when Beardcutter played in Dunharrow, his teammates would often have river races using his shoes as boats.

... why he lives in a huge tent instead of underground as any self-respecting dwarf would do. In fact, he has never been seen underground!

... why he explains away his mysterious absences as being with "the little woman", when everyone knows that there are no dwarf females!

This is a scandal of Silmarillion proportions! Ever since the infamous Black Stomping scandal, giants have been banned from the league. True fans demand that this travesty be ended and this imposter be ejected from baseball!

March 10, 2005

Cheese come to terms with Belebrindil

BREE - Second baseman Arwildoc Belebrindil signed a 4-year contract with Bree that will net the All-Star $60 million. Arwildoc, who led the Shire Conference with 145 RBI and 129 Runs last season, was looking forward to free agency at...

December 01, 2004

Cheese, Griffons trade center fielders

GONDOLIN - News from Gondolin that Arigol Anora is being sent to Bree in a one-for-one swap with the Cheese. Anora, 36, may be in the twilight of an excellent career, but he can still hit, run and field among...

November 23, 2004

Intensive Inactivity Infects Bree

BREE - The talk on the streets in Bree today is about one topic: The total lack of any news whatsoever relating to the Bree Cheese Baseball Club. There is a smell of panic in the air. Crowds of...

There are however, rumors of one low-rated player being promoted from the Staddle Gouda Single-A club to the Combe Feta Double-A club. As this rumor flashes through the town, local authorities are considering setting a curfew or even declaring martial law. In the meantime, they are asking people to remain calm until the facts have been determined. Everyone is strongly advised to keep their children and sheep indoors until further notice.

November 20, 2004

Bree Dumps 2-time MVP

BREE - In a shocking press release, Bree Cheese manager Barlimann J. Butterburr announced that All-Star outfielder, Thaira Lómebrildur, is being released by the team. Lómebrildur has been one of the most potent offensive powers in the league for...

Thaira "Goldie" Lómebrildur

Mordor Mimes 2003-2005
Bree Cheese 2005-2007

* 2003 Aragorn MVP Award (Mordor Conference)
* 2005 Aragorn MVP Award (Shire Conference)
* 2005 Sam Gamgee Batter Award (Shire Conference)
* 2003 Mordor Conference All-Star
* 2004 Mordor Conference All-Star
* 2005 Shire Conference All-Star
* 2006 Shire Conference All-Star
* MC Batter of the Month award on 6/1/2003
* SC Batter of the Month award on 5/1/2005
* SC Batter of the Month award on 8/1/2005
* MC Player of the Week award on 6/17/2003
* MC Player of the Week award on 8/19/2004
* SC Player of the Week award on 5/16/2006
* SC Player of the Week award on 4/25/2007

November 13, 2004

Cheese factory opens with half-ess'd sign

BREE - The Butterburr Cheese Factory opened on May 28 with a grand gala. However, looming over the celebration was a reminder of the strange events of the past few days: The giant sign now reading "CHEEsE". In an...

November 10, 2004

Cheese's Busted "S" Put In A Sling

BREE - Dwarven workers placed the recovered big LED "S" in a sling this morning, but as they were hauling it up to the rooftop of the new Butterburr Cheese Factory, the sling broke, the "S" fell, and it...

Cheese Star Fires Back

BREE - Despite being the only player to have won the Aragon MVP Award in both the Shire and Mordor Conferences, Bree outfielder Thaira Lómebrildur has been facing criticism for her declining abilities. The elven superstar, who's age in...
Date: Tuesday, 5/17/2007
Subject: So you want to get rid of me...
...fine. This is how you treat a player who loves her team. Whatever. I'm upset!

Thaira Lómebrildur

The team was quick to point out that they removed her name from consideration almost immediately, but it did nothing to soothe the tension between them.

Meanwhile, rumors have been circulating that Lómebrildur's decline might be part of the ongoing saga in the Bree Murders. Some speculate that she is slowly being poisoned.

November 08, 2004

Cheese Factory Grand Opening Postponed

BREE - Despite holding their "Free Gold" day at the ballpark as planned, a spokeshobbit for Butterburr Industries announced that the grand opening of the new Butterburr Cheese Factory has been postponed. "Unforseen construction delays, including losing our 'S',...

More on "S" story from Bree

*** Newsflash *** {May 16 Noon} BLACKMAILERS THREATEN "S" BREE - Shirrif Mayberry has recieved a ransom demand from the persons who stole the big LED "S" from the Butterburr Cheese Factory. "Ransomers have demanded that Butterburr Cheese pay...

"The three ran off. We followed them down to near that barrow wight hangout near the Old Forest along the Great East Road. Nasty place. Gives me the creeps. Anyway we lost them around there. But as we spread out to look for them, Shirrif Fifeblower slipped and fell into a hole in the ground. He was yelling, but we could barely hear him. His voice was kind of muffled-like, but it sounded like he was yelling something about an 'S hole'".

"Well, we looked around until we found that 'S' hole. We looked down and were surprised when we realized that there were two 'S'es'! One was a smaller metal-looking 's' about half the size of the one we were looking for; the other was the Butterburr's 's'. Poor Fifeblower. It turned out that when he had fallen, he had gotten his head stuck in the big LED 'S'. So we grabbed ahold of his legs and pulled. That was one tight 'S', but we finally pulled his head of out his 'S' by bracing ourselves against the smaller 's'."

"Once we had gotten him free, we called for a couple wagons. While we were waiting, we noticed that the 'S'-hole had been freshly-dug; I'd say it was less than a week old. Anyway, the wagons finally arrived and we then hauled 'S'es' back to the factory."

More on this story as its breaks...

November 06, 2004

Cheese Loses Its "S"

*** Newsflash *** {May 16 Morning} BREE - Workmen erecting the giant "CHEESE" sign atop the new Butterburr Cheese Factory discovered that the sign's big LED ess is missing. (Ed- LED stands for Light Emitted by Devilry, a new...

Riot Breaks Out At Cheese Factory

Middle Earth News Agency NEWS WIRE *** Newsflash *** {May 15 Evening} RIOT BREAKS OUT AT CHEESE FACTORY. BREE - As work nears completion on the giant new Butterburr Cheese Factory, demonstrations by rival groups of protestors have turned...

The brawl turned bloody when the mob broke into one of the factory's warehouses and tore open boxes of cheese slicers and cheese graters. As if things weren't bad enough, in the midst of the vicious slicing and grating, someone set fire to the warehouse. Several stunned combatants were trampled as the mass of hobbitry fled for safety.

Finally Bree shirrifs arrived. According to an obviously distraught Shirrif Mayberry, "I've not seen anything like this since the Great Melee of '88. I arrived just in time to see the warehouse burst into flames... I cried out for everyone to get out of the way, please... Oh my, this was terrible, oh my. ... Just get out of the way, please... Oh, the hobbitry and all those demonstrators!"

Almost three dozen seriously injured hobbits were sent to Houses of Healing and another two dozen were arrested. Most of the estimated eleventy-leven participants evaded the shirrifs and disappeared into the countryside.

Amoung those arrested was the spokeshobbit for "Hobbits For Nature", Sunflower Peacemeadow. She claimed that her group had proper legal permission for the demonstration.

"I don't understand this. We had every right to be there, and then they showed up! That Buckleberry group has always been trouble- that's why we left them and formed our own organization!"

>From a nearby cell, Saffron Mellowyellow, leader of "Halflings For The Environment", told a different story.

"Liars! Thieves! They stole all our plans and our ideas! We had that permission! Bloody splitters! If I---"

Unfortunately at that point, an HFN member who had been accidently locked up with Mellowyellow knocked her unconscious with a lunch box.

Mayor Barnabas Butterburr of Bree has declared that the area is under martial law until further notice.

More on this story as its breaks...

November 01, 2004

Cheese Factory Nearing Completion

By Azzog the Thug BREE - From a press release by Butterburr Industries. Cheese-lovers await with eager anticipation for the Grand Opening of the new Butterburr Cheese Factory. Work continues day and night as the contractors strive to finish...

Workers have also begun the placement of the planned enormous "CHEESE" sign on the roof of the plant. When finished, this sign will be a landmark in northern Middle Earth as it is designed to glow brightly across the land and be seen for many, many furlongs around, providing for the safe navigation of travelers. The power of this lighting display is due to the use of the new LED technology: LED (Light Emitted by Devilry) lights can be seen for far further distances than the traditional FLAME (Flammable Luminosity And Murky Environs) lights. LEDs also produce less smoke. Although the sign currently reads only "CH", it is already obvious that it will be the largest and most powerful beacon since Sauron's Eye.

Observers with a keen eye will note that offices are being built on the roof of the plant underneath the CHEESE sign. These offices will house the headquarters of Butterburr Industries and its various subsidiaries, including Butterburr Dairy Products Ltd., Prancing Pony Inns Ltd., Barl's Beer Ltd., Rent-A-Halfling Ltd., Orcs-R-Us Ltd, Oliphaunt Moving and Storage Ltd., Dwarf Heavy Construction Ltd., Uruk-Hai Unlimited Ltd., The Butterburr Bazouki Band, and The Bree Cheese Baseball Club.

October 24, 2004

Free Gold, Free Cheese

By Azzog the Thug BREE - Bartleby Butterburr, Public Relations Director for the Bree Cheese, today announced that this season's annual Free Gold Day will be held on May 18th. Traditionally, the Cheese have held Free Gold Day in...

*Cheeses to be produced include: Red Leicester, Tilsit, Caerphilly, Bel Paese, Red Windsor, Stilton, Ementhal, Gruyere, Norweigan Jarlsburg, Lipta, Lancashire, White Stilton, Danish Brew, Double Goucester, Cheshire, Dorset Bluveny, Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port alut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson, Camenbert, Gouda, Edam, Case Ness, Smoked Austrian, Japanese Sage Darby, Wensleydale, Greek Feta, Gorgonzola, Parmesan, Mozarella, Paper Cramer, Danish Bimbo, Czech sheep's milk, Venezuelan Beaver Cheese, Cheddar, Illchester, and Limburger.

October 15, 2004

Bree: "No Comment" in Orctrembler case

June 21, 2004

Hammermaker settles with Cheese

BREE - After obtaining the services of star shortstop Kobur Hammermaker from Bucklebury in April, Bree management has been trying to sign him to a long term deal. Today the Cheese announced that Hammermaker has been signed to a...

June 06, 2004

Drowslammer Shipped to Gondolin

GONDOLIN - Newly acquired free agent, Dogush Bonedragger, has complained of a tight elbow, resulting in him missing at least 1 or 2 weeks. And injury-plagued Isond Imruder, just coming off surgery for a torn rotator cuff, tore a tricep...

February 05, 2004

Cheese Get Legindil

MINAS MORGUL - The Slayers continued their youth movement by trading first baseman Tavoja Legindil to Bree. Legindil is 37. The 2-time All-Star and winner of the 2003 Sam Gamgee Batter award is among the all-time hitting leaders, with...

December 25, 2003

The Bree Cheese: A Season to Remember

By Azzog the Thug BREE - The Bree locker room is subdued, but there is no trace of defeat in the air after the heartbreaking 9th-inning, 7th-game loss to the Bucklebury Fairies in the Shire Conference Two Towers Championship...

What caused this seemingly miraculous turn-around?

During the off-season, they signed free agent closer Dejath Belarà. Not only did Belara fill the Cheese's need at closer, but he performed so well that he was selected to the All-Star team and is the leading candidate for this year's Gwaihir Reliever Award. Cheese fans can only wonder what the outcome of Game 7 would have been if Belara, who had been injured in an earlier game, had been pitching in that dream-shattering 9th inning. After all, had he been healthy, that's where he would have been.

They also signed starter Dejahth Anylith, who was coming off a horrible 3-15, 7.20 season with Old Forest. Bree scouts, however, saw something in this lightly-regarded pitcher and their confidence paid off as he quickly became the Cheese's #2 starter with a 10-7, 4.08 record. Anylith also provided Cheese fans with another what-if: His injury during the last week of the regular season kept him out of the playoffs.

Three surprise players obtained in the off-season were free agent Vrsorbag Swordeater, who batted .262 with 11 HR, outfielder free agent Gandeohil Gaman, who batted .295 with 8 HR, and Gus Hurlburt, a light-hitting thirdbaseman obtained from Numenor, who ended the season with a .304 batting average and 4 HR. These players provided solid performances throughout the year.

Another key figure in this year's turnaround season was obtained via a trade with Rohan early during the season: Rookie starting pitcher Zuthor Toviel. Although he started slowly with the Cheese, as his confidence grew so did his performance. He ended the season as the Cheese's #3 starter with an 11-10, 4.28 record. Other trades netted veteran relievers Boraiborn Belülith (Misty Mountain) and Vruugak Throatshaker (Rohan).

Even the Bree minor league system provided quality rookie help: Outfielder Denaigol Denaihir contributed a .283, 7 HR, 30 RBI season, while infielder Eugene Maker went .333 with 3 HR. Firstbaseman Sesin Silvermasher and Reliever Dejatok Belebrildur made brief, but quality appearances on the big league team.

And then there were the veteran Cheese:

Gogak Drowslammer, All-Star, #1 Starting Pitcher: 3.46, 19-5.

Ralin Rockbinder, All-Star Centerfielder: .285, 43 HR, 124 RBI, and a conference-leading 60 SB.

Arwildoc Belebrindil, Shortstop: .273, 34 HR, 119 RBI, 56 SB.

Throatwarbler Mangrove, outfielder: .300, 20 HR, 80 RBI, 41 SB.

Vatok Thräthien, Firstbaseman: .294, 12 HR, 66 RBI, 23 SB.

Boli Armormaker, Catcher: .257, 30 HR, 95 RBI, 5 SB.

Moignar Orebreaker, #4 Starter: 4.52, 15-8.

Isseen Elarar(*), Secondbaseman: .276, 10 HR, 37 RBI, 41 SB. (*)Elarar was 41-1 in stolen bases in only HALF a season! Another key Cheese injury that could've made a big difference.

All-in-all, this edition of the Bree Cheese was a very strong, very talented ball club who have the right to be proud of their accomplishments. After all, their goal for the 2004 season was simply "a winning season". Not only did they meet that goal, but far exceeded it ...

They finished the season with the Best Record in the league, 101-61.

They won the Dwarf Division Pennant by beating the powerful Bucklebury team on the final day of the season.

They won their Fellowship Series against the tough Rivendell team in seven games.

They fought Bucklebury to the last inning of the last game of the Shire Conference Two Towers Series.

... and they did this while battling a string of injuries to key players. The "what if's" are tantalizing:

What if 2B Elarar (the league's leading base stealer and the Cheese's lead-off hitter) had played the entire season?
What if SP Anylith (the Cheese's #2 starter) had been able to pitch in the payoffs?
What if CL Belara (the league's best reliever) had been able to take his rightful place on the mound in the 9th inning of Game 7?

"If only..." will be heard around Bree pubs for years to come.

This season is over, but next year will be here soon. Beware the Cheese- They will be back; and this time their goal is the crown!

November 17, 2003

Armormaker Relents, Signs With Cheese

BREE - After weeks of negotiations in which Cheese catcher Boli Armormaker appeared to be on the verge of free agency, Bree officials announced a new contract with their star backstop. "Boiler", as his teammates call him, decided to...

November 04, 2003

"The Wraith" Ties Hitting Record

BREE - It took a 3-hit, complete game shutout from Bucklebury's Denealf Eärölas to do it, but Vatok "The Wraith" Thräthien's 25-game hitting streak came to an end on July 10. Bree's first baseman thus ties the League record,...

September 20, 2003

New Logo for Bree

BREE - After several weeks of work with the mysterious logo faerie, the Cheese have unveiled their new logo. Starting immediately, this new image will be seen on all Cheese uniforms, merchandise and marketing materials. A formal announcement of...

September 05, 2003

An Interview with the Head Cheese

By Porto Goodbody from The Far Downs BREE - Barliman J. Butterburr is not a man to set unreasonable goals, but he startled many baseball fans when he recently predicted that his Bree Cheese will achieve a winning record in...

Butterburr sighed, drained his mug and signaled for another. "Injuries. I've never seen so many long-duration injuries as we had last year. They struck early and crippled us for the rest of the season. They killed us." He paused to collect himself. "But there were some bright spots last year...Ralin Rockbinder. Rookie of the Year. A fine batter's eye. He hits, and he hits with power. He's fast. He steals. He is one of the best center fielders I've ever seen. But, of course, that's what we all expected of him. Our big surprises were Gopher (Gogak Drowslammer) and (Throatwarbler) Mangrove. Although Gopher was our workhorse the first half of the season, he wasn't very effective, so we sent him down to Triple-A to work on his mechanics. He worked very hard and when we brought him back up six weeks later, he pitched like an All-Star! We're very proud of him and are expecting big things from him this year."

"And then there's Mangrove. He walked into our offices during the All-Star break, waved a home-made bat at us and demanded a try-out. He was so insistent that we gave him a chance (not expecting anything but a good laugh), and WOW! We've got a franchise player here who literally walked in off the Greenway!"

"Speed! We led the league with 268 stolen bases. The runner-up (Laketown) had only 140--that's almost double! (Isseen) Elarar and (Vatok) Thrathien were Numbers One and Two in the League. Rockbinder and Mangrove (with only HALF a season!) were also in the Top Ten. This team runs like a dragon was chasing them!"

"We used five players at catcher. Between them, they had ZERO passed balls and only TWO errors--now THAT'S what I call catching!"

When asked about the upcoming season, Butterburr said, "I'm really looking forward to it! We've picked up Dejath Belara, a top-notch young closer, and two quality starters: Phaiar Eowiviel and Dejahth Anylith. We now have a very solid pitching staff, and are deeper in reserve than we were last year. Now, hitting-wise, we have essentially the same, or equivalents to, starters that we had the second half of last season. So there's not much improvement there, other than more experience for our young players. But we do have a better bench than last year. So we expect to have a better offense. We also have a couple promising youngsters in Triple-A that should be coming up to The Show this year: Galeoman Elvér, who we feel may be our first permament DH, and Dejatok Belebrildur, a fireballing reliever who is going to force some hitters into early retirement."

When asked how he thought the Cheese would do this year, Butterburr instantly and confidently predicted a winning record. When asked why he felt this way, he replied, "We'll score more runs and we'll give up fewer runs. The two best teams in our division, Lonely Mountain and Carrock, were both hurt by free agency and and were unable to improve their teams. And, most of all, the odds are against us again suffering those long-term injuries to key players that crippled us last year!"

Asked why he was only promising a winning record and not the playoffs, Butterburr leaned forward and softly answered with a glint in eye, "That's always a possibility."

August 15, 2003

One Last Shot At Glory

BREE - Overlooked in the shadow of the pennant races of 2003, a small group of players lived out their dream, thanks to the management of the Bree Cheese. On the last day of the regular season, the Cheese signed...

June 12, 2003

Fleshscarer Shipped to Bree

MISTY MTN - Ludak Fleshscarer got a ticket to Bree today, as the left-handed starter got traded to the Cheese for outfielder Salir Silverbinder and minor league pitcher Podush Hairbasher. Fleshscarer (6-5, 3.42 ERA) has had a decent year for...

May 29, 2003

Another Cheesy Deal

BREE - The Cheese inked a deal with the Marauders today in the hope of shoring up their pitching staff. In exchange for left fielder Boreagrin Biron and minor league first baseman Koignar Hammershaker, Bree gets Mirkwood's aging veteran starter...

May 18, 2003

Cheese Desperate To Change

BREE - Bitten by the injury bug, Bree has been devastated early in the season. After losing their starting catcher, two starting pitchers and a key reliever (among others), the Cheese began a slide to the bottom of the Dwarf...

May 10, 2003

A Different Kind of Sacrifice?

BREE - Sacrificing for the sake of the team is nothing new in baseball. In fact, the sac bunt and the sac fly are common plays. But, if the string of injured Cheese continues, team owner Sgt. Grump is thinking...

May 05, 2003

Latest Terror Threat Targets Cheese

Bree - In a continuing series of messages, "Gollum Smeagol" has added Bree second baseman Isseen Elarar to his list of targets. alssssso the nassssssty commissssssioner sssshould know the ownersssesss and playersssessss are sssseething about that ssssmelly elf Issseen Elarar...

May 04, 2003

Black Saturday For Bree Pitchers

Bree - Major changes took place in Bree minor league pitching on Saturday. A dozen or more struggling young pitchers were released by the team. "There'll be no more no-talent pitchers in MY farm system," said manager Butterburr. "Goodbye goldbricking...

April 17, 2003

Bree Hires New Manager

Cheese cuts coaches to mold new staff Bree - Sgt. Grump triggered a complete overhaul of his team's management by naming Barliman J. Butterburr as the new manager of the Cheese. Immediately, Butterburr requested and got permission to fire his...

Hitting coach, Earl Clare, and pitching coach, Luis Seals, were the first to go, immediately followed by the team's Scouting Director, Anthony Sims. Shane Grande, manager of the double-A Combe Feta, was terminated by phone. David Delph, of the Staddle Gouda, was fired as well. Delph, 49, had just recently been assigned to run the class A team.

The Cheese quickly acquired Kenneth James, 50, as the team's new Hitting Coach. Charles Hayes, 53, was hired as the Pitching Coach. Kyle Poorman, 53, with 16-years experience, was named Scouting Director.

Going for age and experience to help train young talent, Grump hired a couple of old hands to be his new double-A and single-A managers. Justin Niles, 55, takes over the Feta, and Jesse Bauman, 59, will run the Gouda. Combined, the two have over 40 years of coaching experience.

April 14, 2003

Cheese Elect Co-Captains

Bree - In a move seemingly designed to tweak the nose of another team, Sgt. Grump, owner of the Bree Cheese, announced the selection of co-captains of his team. A press release from the Cheese main office indicates that a...

Goblinarm is a second string, second baseman beginning his 6th year in the majors. Ronquillo, a second-string shortstop, was a surprise addition to the team this year. Players refused to comment on why they chose these two.

*Note: This is approximately 26-years-old in human terms.

April 07, 2003

Cheese Swap Managers

Bree - Sgt. Grump, GM of the Cheese, announced a pre-season shake-up of the team's coaching staff. In a move designed to strengthen the recovery of players returning from the disabled list, minor league managers David Delph and Robert Wold...

"It makes sense to have a good manager at the AAA level," Grump said. "Wold is an outstanding hitting coach and an excellent handler of pitchers. This gives us a solid coach in that spot to help give that last push to new players and to help guys coming off the DL."

Wold has spent 10 years in various coaching and management roles. Perhaps anticipating a potential move up to the majors, he said, "I just want to make sure to do what's best for the organization."

Delph, who is signed through 2005, could not be reached for comment.