Moria
Moria Miners
March 24, 2008
2016 Elrond Managers of the Year
MIDDLE EARTH - Today the league announced its selections for the 2016 Elrond Manager of the Year trophy in both the Shire and Mordor Conferences. In the Shire, Moria's GM, Sir Jools, took home the award after having improved his...February 28, 2008
Great Week for Moria's Bifur Thunderarrow
When it came to hitting the baseball, Bifur Thunderarrow had few peers in the Shire Conference this past week. The talented first baseman for Moria tagged opposing pitchers for a .440 average and was voted the Player of the Week...February 18, 2008
Moria's *Jack Snaps Up Player of the Week
This week's Player of the Week was Splinter *Jack of the Moria Miners. His big bat belted and blasted Shire Conference pitching for 9 hits in 16 at-bats, 4 home runs, and 8 RBIs while hitting .563 and scoring 6...February 14, 2008
Moria Retains Bell
MORIA - The Miners inked a deal with 32-year-old Katie Bell today signaling that it not only wanted her on the field but in the clubhouse. Publicly, Katie Bell has spoken highly of Moria, so the extension wasn't a total...February 11, 2008
Thunderarrow Wins SC Player of the Week Prize
Bifur Thunderarrow punched, poked and pummeled the baseball last week and today he garnered a majority of the votes for the Shire Conference Player of the Week award. The Moria Miners first baseman slashed out a .407 average with 11...February 03, 2008
Erebor-Moria Deal: Fareomer for Liverdicer Jr.
EREBOR - The Erebor Eagles have parted ways with 23-year old left fielder Vruugak Fareomer, 26-year old minor league third baseman Paol Toemasher and 20-year old minor league right fielder Rowan Fields, sending him to the Moria Miners for 21-year...January 31, 2008
Superstar Elril-gambor Stays in Moria
MORIA - At a midafternoon press conference on July 14, Moria Miners officials flanked Sarkla Elril-gambor and announced they had reached an extension with the 28-year-old reliever. Terms include a $34,400,000 salary distributed over 8 years. This year Elril-gambor has...January 09, 2008
Slayers Deal Steelshaper to Miners for Elderflower
MINAS MORGUL - The rumor has been going on for a while now, but today it was made official. The Minas Morgul Slayers sent 31-year old reliever Nark Steelshaper to the Moria Miners for 29-year old closer Elasta Elderflower. Officials...December 31, 2007
the Devastator Will Miss 5 Weeks
MORIA - The Moria Miners will have to make do without Shaglakh the Devastator for 5 weeks. He suffered a torn groin muscle while running the bases in the game on May 22nd against the Carrock Bears. His teammates, understandably,...December 20, 2007
Thunderarrow Top Hitter in SC in April
Seasoned by several years of professional experience, Bifur Thunderarrow put together a solid offensive month for Moria and was crowned April's top batter in the Shire Conference. He batted .361 with 9 home runs, 31 RBIs and 15 runs scored....December 17, 2007
Shire Conference Names Top Player
There's nothing like being in the prime of your baseball career -- and playing like it. Just ask Foli of Khazad-dum, the Moria left fielder, who swung a sweet bat all week to not only aid his team, but also...October 18, 2007
*the Shriek Chosen #1 Player
Morag *the Shriek went on a week-long hitting spree against Shire Conference pitchers and captured the Player of the Week honors. The Moria third baseman battered the opposition for 11 hits, 3 home runs, 11 RBIs and scored 6 runs....September 27, 2007
Thunderarrow Selected SC Player of the Week
Bifur Thunderarrow punched, poked and pummeled the baseball last week and today he garnered a majority of the votes for the Shire Conference Player of the Week award. The Moria Miners first baseman slashed out a .480 average with 12...September 23, 2007
Big Deal: Undomiel for Bell
MORIA - The Moria Miners and Minas Morgul Slayers have finalized a huge trade involving 31-year old reliever Deallyra Undomiel for the Miners and 31-year old reliever Katie Bell for the Slayers. "Deals like this are hard to get settled,"...September 06, 2007
Tumbletoe Grabs SC Top Pitcher Trophy
The Pitcher of the Month Award has been announced and the Shire Conference winner is Moria hurler, Theodorus Tumbletoe. For his fine efforts in June he has been named the league's #1 pitcher. During the month, Tumbletoe excelled with a...September 03, 2007
Shire Conference Player of the Week Selected
It was a week to remember for Shaglakh the Devastator. After wrapping up a torrid week at the plate, the Moria Miners right fielder was named the Shire Conference Player of the Week. the Devastator collected 14 hits in 22...August 20, 2007
Great Day for *the Shriek! 6 Hits!
MORIA - Morag *the Shriek really did a number on the Titans in the Moria 7-5 victory on May 27. Not just anyone can get 6 hits in 6 at-bats. But Morag *the Shriek did just that today for the...August 06, 2007
The Devastator SC Outstanding Batter of the Month
Shaglakh the Devastator of the Miners hit .374 in April with 4 home runs, 23 RBIs and 16 runs scored to capture a majority of votes for the Shire Conference Batter of the Month trophy. The 32-year-old is in the...August 02, 2007
Week's Top Performer Honored by SC
There was no one hotter in the Shire Conference last week as Shaglakh the Devastator attacked enemy pitching with a vengeance to collect the Player of the Week Award. The 32-year-old Moria right fielder batted .440 with 11 hits in...July 27, 2007
Infield Riot at Moria
MORIA - In the latest lost game versus Old Forest, the spectators witnessed an unusual scene involving Moria's short stop Gibur Rockrender and 3B woman Brandewyn of Rohan. It has been known for some time Rockrender and Of Rohan have...July 16, 2007
Mariner Suffers Major Injury, Career Over
MORIA - The expression on her face said it all when center fielder Lelyan Mariner was injured in a game against Wilderland. You could tell that this was no minor injury. Mariner was examined quickly by the team doctor and...July 10, 2007
Moria set to run for Dwarf Division Title
via Miners Press Service MORIA - Moria will be championing the title this season with pretty much the same team. Veteran power hitter Githrarith (37) was the only one to be released, leaving the DH spot open to slugger Morag...April 02, 2007
Khazad-dum Stadium moves to Dimrill Dale
MORIA - Reporters were surprised this Sunday when they were summoned to gather not in the gloom of Balin's Tomb, but on the peaceful grounds of the Dimrill Dale between the Eastern gates of Moria and Lothlorien. PR Spokeswoman, Heodwyn...March 15, 2007
Shire Conference League Choice for Batter of the Month is Moria Third Baseman *the Shriek
Morag *the Shriek will never forget April 2014. Today she was voted Shire Conference Batter of the Month. More important for Moria, she posted a .345 average along with 9 homers and 26 RBI. *the Shriek also collected 2 doubles,...March 12, 2007
Third Baseman Morag the Shriek of Moria Records .393 Average, Selected Shire Conference Player of the Week
MORIA - Morag *the Shriek made quite a splash in the Shire Conference this past week. The Moria Miners third baseman drilled opposing pitchers for 11 hits--5 for extra bases--in 28 at-bats and rolled up a 1.366 OPS figure. Those...February 03, 2007
Left Fielder Branchwielder Signs $1,050,000 Pact with Moria
MORIA - Moria and Waldur Branchwielder have reached an agreement bringing the 31-year-old to the Miners at a price of $1,050,000 over 1 year. In a career spanning 857 games, Branchwielder has batted .265 with 862 hits in 3249 at-bats...January 31, 2007
Moria-Ravenhill Deal
MORIA - In a trade agreed to by the parties near the end of the season, the Darkwings and Miners have swapped players. Ravenhill will get OF Denaigol 'Hitman' Denaihir, SP Feanor Greycloak and minor league OF Masin Oathworker. Moria...Denaihir had an excellent year for the resurging Miners team, hitting .281 with 28 HR and 109 RBI and being named to the Shire All-Star team. Meanwhile, Greycloak's performance was spotty. While his record was 8-10 with a 4.18 ERA, he hurled a shutout, and 12 of his 23 starts were considered Quality Starts. The 22-year-old Oathworker was Moria's 1st round draft pick in 2010 and hit .290 for AAA Long Cleve.
On Ravenhill's side of the deal, Shaglakh, known as the "Fox", is known more for his fielding and speed than his bat, winning the 2012 Legolas in RF, but he hit .333 last season. Anstlammer has always been an excellent pitcher until this season. Moria is betting that his 9-13 record and 4.11 ERA were a bump in the road. Up until this season, Andrack had never had a losing season or an ERA above 4. And Brandewyn of Rohan is a solid young utility infielder.
January 29, 2007
Moria Shortstop Gibur Rockrender Nabs 2013 SC Sam Gamgee Batter
Gibur Rockrender of the Moria Miners enjoyed a gourmet season at the dish in 2013. He put up a .307 average, collected 38 home runs, 95 RBI, and, perhaps most important, the Shire Conference Sam Gamgee Batter. He also tallied...December 18, 2006
Moria-Rivendell Swap Pitchers
MORIA - The Miners GM announced a deal with the Royals that swaps their starting pitcher, Denaumir 'Iceball' Deneadur, along with a minor league reliever and some cash for Rivendell's James Gilbertson. Deneadur, 32, is still one of the hardest...November 20, 2006
Pacing the Moria Attack, Third Baseman *the Shriek Takes SC Batter of the Month Honors
Hot-hitting third baseman Morag *the Shriek of the Moria Miners really pounded opposing pitchers in May. She hit .396, smashed 11 home runs, accounted for 26 RBI, and scored 23 times to collect SC Batter of the Month honors. Morag...November 09, 2006
Miners Third Baseman Morag *the Shriek Selected SC Player of the Week
Morag *the Shriek has been in a real groove lately. The 28-year-old Moria Miners third baseman nabbed Shire Conference Player of the Week honors today, after beating up on opposing pitchers last week. *the Shriek's hot streak featured 9 hits--5...November 06, 2006
Galealbo Elvàwen of the Moria Miners Garners Shire Conference Pitcher of the Month Award
The Moria Miners owe Galealbo Elvàwen a lot for his performance this past month. One of the league's more dominant starters in April, Elvàwen tore the opposition to ribbons, posting an ERA of 1.54 with 46 Ks in 46.2 innings....October 02, 2006
Moria Recruits Rohan GM
by Lobelia Hardbottle, MESN KHAZAD-DUM - The monstrous sounds of something unseen, straining against heavy irons greets the assembled press as the slender, neatly-dressed, newly re-hired PR Manager, Heodwyn Soft-Voice, signals for quiet. "On behalf of the Moria Miners and...A spattering of shocked applause ensues while a youngish looking human steps up to an ornately-carved, Dwarven-style podium.
"Hello, I'm Jools." The crowd immediately erupts into questions.
"Jools, with all the rumors of corporal punishment in the Miners organization, are you nervous to begin working for Queen Brandelion and her famous whip?"
The new GM takes the question in stride. "Well, I'm glad you ask, because it's time we change this barbaric treatment. The new regime will have the women getting spanked instead of whipped. Also, responsibilities will change: The Queen takes care of the men, and the GM will care for the women."
It is obvious that the assembled reporters, long accustomed to Queen Brandelion's outrageous temper, do not buy it.
"Jools, tell us why you chose to work for Moria after leading a successful team like Rohan?"
"Well, in two words: the money."
"Jools, Jools! What do you think of former Miners pitcher Francisco Xiques's continuing refusal to change his name and race to something Tolkienien?"
A clever spark flashes in the new GM's eye. "Ah, yes, based on the information available on the issue, we intend to invite parties to inform on a wide bandwidth basis the persons and proper authorities on this delicate issue."
"What do you think of the slogan disgruntled fans have started shouting at games, saying Moria has 'the best worst players with great talent'?"
The GM's brow is momentarily furrowed. "I think it came into existence when the previous manager, failing to attract fans through results, wanted to boost fan interest by presenting Moria as a sort of freak show, and then the fans came up with that slogan. Of course, we're looking to revert that image by turning Moria into a top-notch baseball machine."
"Jools, have you met with Queen Brandelion? What's she like in person? Were you frightened?"
The new GM answers with a slow, knowing smile, winks, and then raises a hand to wave. "No further questions, thank you."
An excited babble of questions erupts as Jools exits through a side-door. Heodwyn Soft-Voice promptly steps up to the podium, thanks all for coming, and directs reporters to a complimentary buffet of bat juice and cookies. Queen Brandelion Half-Elven, conspicuously absent at the press release, was unavailable for comment.
August 14, 2006
Weathertop's Gollailob wins Player of the Week award
Morag *the Shriek from Moria wins her 4th Player of the Week award for putting up the best numbers this week in the Shire Conference. In 19 at bats she hit .526 with 2 HR and 5 RBI. Weathertop's rightfielder...August 06, 2006
Big Minas Morgul-Moria Trade
MINAS MORGUL - The Slayers and Miners announced a major deal that shakes up the Mordor Conference wild card leaders and, Moria officials hope, give the Khazad-dum squad a boost. Minas Morgul sends three pitchers to Moria--Quinn Ladygrass, Galealbo Elvàwen,...July 31, 2006
5-hit performance by Moria's Morag *the Shriek
MORIA - Morag *the Shriek is among the best pure hitters in the game, but his 5 hit performance on July 13 seemed to surprise even himself. In the 1st inning he belted a double off Issth Elilmalad. Number 2...Moria's Tookes out for the season
MORIA - Moria's right-hander Robert Tookes experienced probably the worst case scenario for a pitcher, a season ending injury. After pitching in the 1st inning of the game against Lothlorien on July 10, Tookes complained about serious pain in his...March 20, 2006
Moria's *the Shriek wins Player of the Week award
The Player of the Week award in the Shire Conference goes to Moria's Morag *the Shriek this time, as the third baseman displayed the best offensive perfomance in her league. Morag pounded opposing pitchers, hitting .500 with 2 HR and...Moria's Norà out for 7 weeks
MORIA - Moria's players were scared when they had to watch Thurlla Norà suffer a serious injury when she dove for a ball in the game against Bywater. She collapsed in pain and was helped off the field. Norà will...March 09, 2006
Deneadur (MRA) and Fimir (GH) win monthly pitcher award
Moria's Denaumir Deneadur had a terrific May, and it earned him the Shire Conference Pitcher of the month award. He struck out 47 hitters in his 5 starts, putting together a record of 4-0 while pitching 47 innings. His ERA...March 06, 2006
Moria's *the Shriek wins Player of the Week award
The Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Morag *the Shriek, Moria's starting third baseman. *the Shriek helped his team with an average of .440 and 11 RBI in 25 at bats. His season numbers are: .274 AVG,...February 04, 2006
Last "Beardy Boy" leaves Moria
MORIA - Tiran Beardstroker, the last of the so-called "Beardy Boys", was traded to Mirkwood this week for outfielder Denaigol Denaihir and pitcher Sormina Glyrion. Beardstroker, 30, was often associated with another pitcher from Moria, Farin Beardsnapper, who retired in...November 18, 2005
Minas Morgul's Chubb wins Player of the Week award
Moria's centerfielder Moran Alcarin had some reason to celebrate, as the league named him the Shire Conference Player of the Week. Alcarin helped his team with an average of .467 and 10 RBI in 30 at bats. He hit in...October 31, 2005
Guviel and Hammershaker win P.O.W. award
Moria's second baseman Sorthor Guviel had some reason to celebrate, as the league named him the Shire Conference Player of the Week. Sorthor was on fire, hitting .455 with 0 HR and 6 RBI. It's the 2nd time that the...October 15, 2005
Deneadur Traded to Moria
BUCKLEBURY - Fans of the Fairies were baffled as the team announced the trade of fireballer, Denaumir "Iceball" Deneadur, to Moria for a 2011 draft pick. Deneadur has been a key part of the Bucklebury starting rotation since his acquisition...September 28, 2005
Moria GM Pleasant sacked
BALIN'S TOMB -- Dirk Pleasant, General Manager of the Moria Miners, has been asked to step down for undisclosed reasons. "Dirk Pleasant will no longer manage the Moria Miners," a spokesperson said at an impromptu press conference. Pleasant, who has...September 08, 2005
Camellia Baggins quiets Carrock bats with shutout
CARROCK - Camellia Baggins took the mound on September 18 and never left. And Carrock hitters couldn't touch her at all. Moria's right-hander gave up just 2 hits in her 1st shutout of the season. She now has 2 career...August 18, 2005
Moria's the Hated severely injured
MORIA - Moria's ace Bagdreg the Hated suffered a severe injury on August 7 and will be out for at least 5 weeks. In the 1st of the game against Bucklebury he experienced pain in his throwing arm and had...August 08, 2005
Lothlorien's Grumpus the Grumpest wins Player of the Week award
The Shire Conference's best player of the week of July 11 was Moria's Morag the Shriek, who wins the award for the 1st time in her career. Morag went 8 for 17 (.471), while hitting 2 HR and collecting 4...July 18, 2005
Camellia Baggins (MRA) will miss 4-5 weeks
MORIA - Moria's ace Camellia Baggins suffered a severe injury on May 31 and will be out for at least 4-5 weeks. In the 4th of the game against Rivendell she experienced pain in her throwing arm and had to...June 29, 2005
Gabzog retires to work for charity
MORIA - All-Star third baseman, Gabzog the Obtuse, announced that he will retire to more fully devote his time to working for The Midgewater Hope Foundation, a non-profit organization formed to raise awareness of Midgwater Rickets, a devastating life-threatening disease...June 14, 2005
Miners Change Minors; Adopt Slogan
BALIN'S TOMB -- A spokesdwarf for the Miners announced several changes within the organization, including new place names and mascots for Moria's three minor league teams. According to PR spokesdwarf, Nuli Hengehammer, the minor league teams will now be...June 03, 2005
Minas Morgul starts working on bullpen
Minas Morgul is trying to work on their biggest weakness that reared it's ugly head after a couple injuries to key players. To that end, the Slayers are trying to fix the situation. They've completed two offseason trades. The...Miners and Slayers Trade
MORIA - The Miners sent a pair of pitchers to Minas Morgul in exchange for 1B-OF Earon Denima. Paul Tuller, 28, and Prarg Halflingslobbr, 27, will be joining the dryads for 2009. Tuller has been a reliever in the Moria...May 12, 2005
Shatai Githrarith punishes Bywater with five hits
MORIA - Moria's designated hitter Shatai Githrarith accomplished a difficult feat in a 8-7 win over Bywater on September 7, drilling five hits to improve his career batting average to .265! His 2nd hit, off Losur Oathsplitter in the 4th...April 20, 2005
Miners Deal Legithraviel to Rohan
MORIA - In a quick move by Miners owner, Queen Brandelion of Lethargy, Moria has traded newly acquired pitcher Tavus Legithraviel to Rohan in exchange for relievers Kimra Elràlith and Prarg Halflingslobbr. Earlier, she had puzzled pundits scratching their heads...February 18, 2005
The Mithril Post, vol. 10
headline news and notes from Moria SOFT VOICE BATS FOR PGL -- BRANDELION PITCHES FIT Local Shirriffs were called to a disturbance at the offices of the Moria Miners, Trewsday, in which an outraged Brandelion of Lethargy tore apart several...December 17, 2004
The Mithril Post, vol.9
headline news and notes from Moria PGL Scrap Sparks Homecoming Tantrum Some say no news is good news, but we at the Mithril Post say "[somedwarvenexpletivetypecatchphrase]" to that! After suffering weeks of silence while the Miners allegedly evil owner, Brandelion..."What the [eXpletive] is that!?!?!?" No one in the crowd dared to look at the scrap of paper she pointed at with a death-bringing finger and ready-to-snap eyes. A trembling aide stooped to retrieve the scrap from the ground, and with a grave, ashen face, informed the crowd that it was a ticket stub from a Pan-Galactic League baseball game.
Brandelion, in true Bran form, bust out the fireworks and lit into a string of dark curses, turning innocent bystanders into a range of reptilian creatures from newts to toads, while fearful aides ducked for cover. After several minutes of mayhem, Bran screamed for the heads of those responsible for the ticket and vowed to weed out any PGL fans living within the halls of Moria, claiming she would "make them pay." Bran then excused herself to the few witnesses still standing, and entered the seclusion of her offices, from which she has not yet emerged.
Minor Change of Uniform For the Miners
Mere minutes after her return from the Ivory Tower, Brandelion of Lethargy sent a memo throughout the Miners Organization declaring the official undergarment of the team would henceforth be the thong. In Bran's words, "I have personally tested the garment, and find it to be the most breathable and freedom-giving form of underpant there is." This follows a questionable rumor circulating the league involving lembas cream, which is often used to treat rather serious and sordid sundry diseases that are not fit for printing. (The Mithril Post is a family news source.) In her memo, Bran states that she hopes the thong will "help ease the lembas cream problem in the locker rooms and promote better morale." General Manager, Dirk Pleasant, endorsed the decision last Trewsday during an impromptu press conference. "I'm not just wearing one thong," Pleasant tittered madly, "I'm wearing three!" Reporters were then subjected to proof of Pleasant's three thongs when he spontaneously dropped his pants and turned his hairy ass upon the unwitting crowd.
December 07, 2004
Moria-Old Forest make big pitcher swap
OLD FOREST - The Merry Fellows announced the re-acquisition of strikeout artist, Ligor Fistslammer, in a 3-for-3 deal that sends relievers Bamli Anvildelver, Soseen Isadriel and Suukak Nosecrawler to Moria in exchange for Fistslammer, Virgil Proudstaff and Tathor Legàndil. The...Fistslammer, 33, has bounced around a lot in his short career in the league. Signed as the 1st pick of the Dagorlad Disaster, he was on fire in 2003, throwing a no-hitter and striking out 242 batters before an elbow injury in July cut his season short. The next season, he set the Mordor Conference record for strikeouts with 308, and signed a $45 million deal with Old Forest to start 2005. But while his strikeouts kept piling up, so did his walks. He was never a consistent winner with the Merry Fellows and was traded to Moria at the start of 2007. He returns to Old Forest to try and help them keep up with Mirkwood in the Wild Card race.
Virgil "Stilletto" Proudstaff, was the host of the ill-conceived "Who Wants to Manage a Baseball Team?" game show at Bucklebury before being traded to Moria in May. After that, he had an abysmal June with the Miners, going 0-3 in 6 starts with a 9.10 ERA! He has already given up 23 HR in just 17 games this year.
Tathor Legàndil, 36, has been a workhorse for the Miners out of the bullpen. He pitched 104 games in 2005-2006, picking up 58 saves. This season, he is 3-2 with 11 saves and a 4.81 ERA.
For their part, Moria gets Bamli "Animal" Anvildelver (1-2, 4.28 in 29 games), Soseen "Red" Isadriel (5-5, 6.82 in 11 starts and 7 relief appearances), and Suukak "The Dunce" Nosecrawler. Nosecrawler, 30, was picked up by Old Forest in the off-season for $4.5 million per year for the next 3 years. He represented the Merry Fellows in this year's All-Star Game, having appeared in 21 games and earning a 1-1 record with a 1.72 ERA. Nosecrawler has only given up 1 HR all year.
November 08, 2004
News from Moria
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria SPORTS Great Week for Moria The Miners just get better and better after a 6 win week against Mirkwood, Carrock, Gondolin, and Bucklebury. The only loss in this week's...The Commissioner's decision to lock Bran away follows a strange series of staff changes within the Miners organization. When PR manager Heodwyn of the Soft Voice resigned without explanation, team members were quick to assume the cause was the hiring of General Manager, Dirk Pleasant. Healers have certified that Pleasant's mental state is, at best, unstable. "I have no idea what [Bran] was thinking, hiring Dirk Pleasant," said Moria veteran Roignar Shieldcrusher. "That man is clearly un-sane. We don't need papers to prove it. Though, if you need papers, we've got them. He's certified." Shieldcrusher is one of a growing majority who believe Heodwyn left the Miners organization because of Bran's poor choices in management. None have forgotten their harrowing experiences under the icy tyrant, BranMorda. "After the [expletive referring to BranMorda], the prospect of dealing with yet another raving lunatic of a manager was a little hard to take," said starting pitcher Farin beardsnapper. Roignar Shieldcrusher nodded in agreement with his team mate. "I don't mean to bite the hand that feeds me," said Shieldcrusher, "But I'm having a hard time understanding where that woman [Bran] is coming from. No wonder Heodwyn left us."
Moria's players unanimously agreed with the Commissioner's decision to give Bran 'time out.' Gathered in the team's locker room, the players offered their opinions about the future of Moria. "Now, we love Bran--don't go printing us 'on record' that we don't," said Sim Hornblower. "We all want her to come back...eventually. After a nice, long rest. We all think the Commish made the right decision." Camellia Baggins, well-known throughout the league as Brandelion's "Darling" pet player, added her thoughts. "She's swell, you know, when she's not in one of her 'moods'. Her moods are a little bit scary," said Baggins, shuddering. "We just want her to get the help she needs." As for the team's future under the leadership of Dirk Pleasant, Nosil Ringrender said, "So far his decisions concerning batting order and pitching rotation have been sound, and really, I don't think the guy would hurt a midge. But...we'll see. The incoherent babbling, and the spittle is, well, unsettling."
November 07, 2004
League Takes Over Miners
MORIA - League officials announced today that control of the Moria Miners will be temporarily placed in the hands of the Commissioner. In a statement from the league office, Commissioner Rasreth said that Queen Brandelion of Lethargy, having been...November 05, 2004
Moria Hires New Manager
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria SPORTS Moria Hires New Manager This week the Miners welcome a new General Manager, Dirk Pleasant. Pleasant, who spent some time in the Sanitorium after a visit with BranMorda,...Good Week For Miners
The Moria Miners won 4 out of 5 this week against Wilderland and Mirkwood, with a 4-hit shoutout by pitcher Bagdreg the Hated. In the same series, Sorthor Guviel scored on a catcher's error in the 9th. This follows a decent week in which the Miners won 5 out of 7 against Minas Tirith, Lake Town, and Bywater, with a noted RBI single in the 10th inning by up-and-coming talent, Haleth Bright Blade. Team management attributes the recent success to several trades and roster changes within the organization. "Talent and toenails," said unsane new manager, Dirk Pleasant. "Lots come in, lots go out. Shed them like skin. Lotsa good stuff in the Miners. We feed them cheese! [maniacal tittering]" Among the new talent on the team is flamboyant starting pitcher Virgil "Stilletto" Proudstaff, formerly of Bucklebury. "Oh, these Miners are fab-o!" Proudstaff shrieked girlishly to reporters, just before playing Mirkwood. "I'm giving several of the girls make-overs after tonight's game! It'll be super!"
Heodwyn Leaves Miners
After a closed meeting with team owner, Brandelion of Lethargy, Heodwyn Soft Voice announced her plans to leave the Miners. "I have always loved the Miners," Heodwyn said, "but it is time for me to move on." Heodwyn cited no reason for her sudden departure, though she assured players that she will remain a fan. "Over the years, I have grown so close to so many of the players, managers, and staff within the Miners organization. I have seen the strength of this team. It pains me to leave my friends. However, I will keep fond memories of them in my heart." Inside sources say Heodwyn's departure may have something to do with Bran's decision to hire the certifiably insane Dirk Pleasant, though none are able to confirm the rumor. Brandelion was contacted for comment, but declined.
November 02, 2004
Miner Manager to Join Nazgul
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria SPORTS BranMorda To Join Nine The recently declared-alive BranMorda will not be resuming her place at the helm of the Moria Miners this season, though it was expected she...Brandelion of Lethargy, close friend and confidant of BranMorda, was unavailable for comment, though sources say she has not stopped crying for days and refuses to come out of her rooms. Sources within the Miners organization assume Bran’s tears are related to BranMorda’s decision to leave Moria.
NEWS
Bridge Collapses After Rock Concert
With heavy hearts, representatives of The Coalition For a Better Moria announce that construction on the Bridge of Khazad-dum reconstruction project will come to a close, after above-ground soundwaves caused the Bridge to topple, once again. Ironically, the Bridge is reported to have collapsed during the performance of "Trewsday, Bloody Trewsday," a song written by dwarf rock group The Stonebeards about the 20 Astron Miners game that lead to the rioting and crowd violence that caused the sound waves that brought the Bridge construction project down, killing four. Though none were hurt in this second Bridge disaster, The Coalition is calling it quits. "We just can't go on like this," said Fisil Zirak. "It's just so…depressing, to see the Bridge go up, and then come right back down again."
The Stonebeards offered a full apology to The Coalition, promising to 'set things right, again.' Lead singer Mono is expected to award Coalition leader Fisil Zirak with a check at a ceremony next week, which will be the sum total of proceeds from the benefit concert Bridge Aid. Mono hopes the money will be enough to help Zirak go for a third try. "The Bridge is important to us as a race," said Mono. "We Dwarves in Moria need to stand up and say, 'No more!' We won't let bad acoustics get in our way." When asked if the money will help Zirak to try again at rebuilding the Bridge, Zirak smiled. "While my sorrow over the Bridge project can not fully be expressed, a check such as Mono's may help to soften the blow. Of course, whether we begin the project again depends on how soft that cushioning check is."
October 31, 2004
Miner Manager Found Alive!
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria NEWS BranMorda Not Dead! MORIA - Former Moria Miners manager BranMorda shocked and terrified thousands this week after rising from her grave. Witnesses fled at what they thought was...The news of BranMorda's return from the dead was met with shrieking and gaunt faces within the Miners organization. A team of reputable healers were called immediately to adminster to BranMorda. After several tests, healers confirmed that BranMorda really really is alive, though convincing team management of her vitality was a difficult task. "We were not at all sure what to think," said PR manager Heodwyn Soft Voice. "Of course, we were shocked to see her--horrified, even--because it is not everyday that one who has passed into other realms re-joins the living. We were concerned about the status of her health, and made the arrangements for healers to meet with her right away."
Turns out, BranMorda is absolutely fine after her month-long stay underground. Healers are now saying that she wasn't even dead in the first place. "I don't understand what happend," said Constable Pat Lackey, who signed the document certifying BranMorda's death. "We checked her for all vital signs, and she had none. No heartbeat; nothing." BranMorda provided a simple answer to the mystery. "I have no heart," she said coldly.
No official word has been issued by Brandelion of Lethargy, yet, though inside sources say the sometimes unstable team owner screamed, then fainted upon hearing the news of BranMorda's return. "They were very close," said Heodwyn Soft Voice. "Bran was understandably shaken to see her old friend BranMorda, again." When asked if BranMorda will be re-joining the Moria Miners as general manager, Heodwyn hesitated. "...The subject will be discussed at greater length once Brandelion and BranMorda have had a chance to recover from this harrowing ordeal. For now, the Miners will continue under the management of Brandelion as before."
Dwarf Rock Concert To Aid Bridge Reconstruction
Activist rockers The Stonebeards have signed a deal with representatives of the Moria Miners for use of the Khazad-dum Stadium this week. The group plans to present a concert to benefit the Bridge of Khazad-dum reconstruction project, and will be touted as Bridge Aid. Said charismatic lead singer, Mono, "This is a chance for us to use our dizzying wealth and fame to make a difference. We heard about the collapse of the project and the resulting deaths following the Moria riots, and we knew as a band that this would be a good opportunity to simultaneously rally the good hearts of Moria to action and breathe new life into a worthy cause. We also have a new record due out in Forelithe that we'd like fans to buy. Er, listen to."
Miners PR manager, Heodwyn Soft Voice, encourages attendees of the now legendary 20 Astron game to take their game ticket stubs to the concert for a 10% discount off admission price. "We are confident the concert will be an enjoyable experience for all, and will help to heal the wounds that the terrible game of 20 Astron left us with," said Heodwyn.
The concert is scheduled for 5 Thrimidge (S.R.). Proceeds will benefit the Coalition for a Better Moria.
October 29, 2004
Naming Ceremony Has Player Pointing Fingers
by Lobelia Hardbottle, MESN MORIA - It is a bright, clear day on the patio of Evenstarbucks where I've met Francisco Xiques for a cup of joe. Squinting in the sunlight is the self-proclaimed up-and-coming star of Moria's pitching..."It all started with the Naming Ceremony," Xiques says, referring to the recent ceremony held in Moria in which reclusive wizard Olorin the Wise gave new Middle Earth-based names to several players on the Miners roster. "These guys I looked up to in the bigs for hanging onto their names, their heritage, started signing up to have all of that taken away. I didn't get it; you know? So I started asking around. 'Hey, Don,' I says to Guglielmo. 'What's up with this?' And Don said, 'I gotta do what I gotta do.' That's all he said. And then I asked my old friend, Pablo, what's going on? He wouldn't give me an answer. I mean, me and Pablo were real tight, you know--we could tell each other anything. He was that kind of friend—or so I thought.
"Then, I find out Pablo's going to sign up for the Naming Ceremony. I says to him, I says, 'Pablo, you're going to give up your family name? What about your heritage? What about where you're from?' And he says, 'I just wanna do what's right for the team.' He was already playing for the bigs at that time, and I was still AAA. I didn't know what was really going on, until I got the chance to move up to the bigs. Then I knew--those guys didn't want to give up their names, their identities. The brass pressured them to."
Xiques pauses to spit angrily on the sidewalk. "The brass?" I ask, confused about this anachronistic reference. Xiques continues, nodding. "Yeah. The brass. The managers, and such. When I got promoted to the major leagues, they took me in a little room and closed the door behind us. I thought they were going to give me a talking to about what an honor it is to play for the Miners, and what to expect, but they didn't. Instead, they told me that changing my name and race to some 'Tolkien' thing would be 'the best thing for the team.' They said if I didn't, I might be responsible for our luck turning sour. I thought, 'What the [expletive]!' Who are they to tell me who to be? Like, my family name, my heritage, it ain't good enough to play on this ball team. That's racism. I decided to make a complaint, and wrote a letter to the owner about it. A reply came back right away. I was excited; I thought I was really going to make a difference.
"And then I met with her,” Xiques pauses to let this sink in. “Brandelion of Lethargy. Now there’s a ball o’ wax. First of all, we couldn’t meet like normal people at a normal time, or anything. It had to be in Balin’s tomb at midnight—if you ever been in Balin’s tomb at midnight, you’ll know; it’s real creepy. I was herded in by a bunch of 'security' guys in long, hooded black capes. They didn't talk or anything, just sorta...screeched. Made my blood run cold. The way they handled me, it made me feel like a, uh, a criminal, or…dinner. No respect, you know? It was the weirdest situation I’d ever been in.
“Then I saw her: tall, blonde, beautiful, in this long, shiny dress thing, but, like my mother always says, you can't trust the packaging. She asked me to sit down, so I did. She smiled and made nice about things. Something about her set me on edge, though. Finally, I says 'Look, let's just get to the point, alright?' She didn't like that too much. She stopped smiling. I mean, that smile just dropped off her face and hit the ground. She said, 'You're new here, Francisco, so I'll allow you the momentary slip. In the future, you would be wise to keep your attitude in check for the duration of your career at Moria.' That’s when I lost my cool. I started in about what racist bigots they all are, and before long, I was pinned to my chair; paralyzed. Trapped, you know? And then she had her way with me."
"She had her way with you?" I say, a bit louder than necessary. Xiques's face colors three shades of red. "No, not like that. I don't mean that. I mean, she started using her mind powers or something on me. She kept talking, and talking, and the more she talked, the more she made sense. Suddenly, I was thinking I wanted to change my name and race. It began to seem like a good idea."
Xiques grows pensive at this point. He plays with the mysterious paper band around his sterofoam coffee cup. Why is that paper band there? To what purpose? My mind wanders to the eternal coffee-cup question, getting lost in the labyrinthine twists and turns of reason and madness…it’s a piece of paper! Paper! Why? Xiques gently taps my arm. “Yo, earth to Lobelia?” he says. I feel embarrassed by my moment of inattention, but Xiques seems amused. “I know how it is,” he says with a grin. “I don’t understand that little band of paper, neither. Why the [expletive] is it there?” We share a hearty laugh, the kind that turns heads in a small but crowded coffeehouse. With all of Evenstarbucks staring at us, now, I turn our talk back to the interview.
Xiques has no trouble picking up where he left off. "They let me go, after that. I went back to my room to think. I mean, I knew at the heart of me that what they'd told me wasn't right, but I had all these conflicting messages in my head. I felt drained. But after a while, I got it together," Xiques sits bolt upright in his chair, slamming his fist on the table. "I decided right then and there I was going to take this to the Commissioner, to the public, to everyone--Moria is full of bigots, and their team owner is a mind-melding, manipulative vixen. I lost all respect for her from that day forward. And, I tell you what," says Xiques, speaking in hushed, dangerous tones. "It's not just the team management. Since I've come to Middle Earth, I've been treated like a second-class citizen. Not just because I'm a human from another dimension--if you're not a Dwarf in Moria, you're nothing."
My head reeling from these stunning accusations, I press Xiques to explain his position further. "I see it all the time," he says, waving his hands wildly. "Elves, Hobbits, the races of men--they're passed up for promotions, overlooked, forgotten. Why do you think I was in the minor leagues so long? I got more talent than anyone in this league, but I wasn't called up because of my name. Not until this 'Naming Ceremony' came along, when they thought they could change me into what they wanted.
“Look at the roster,” he continues. “Out of 25 players, 9 are dwarves. And 9 more are thinking about becoming dwarves. There’s no way you could tell me that ain’t racism; if I agreed to go through the Naming Ceremony, I’d probably become a dwarf, too. Now that’s something to think about.”
Xiques sits back in his chair. He wears a tortured expression. Could there really be racism in Moria? And, what would the Commissioner have to say about all this? I quickly wrap things up with Xiques and make for the offices of Commissioner Rasreth.
It isn’t easy getting in to see the Commissioner. His office is swarming with a mob of angry players waiting to file complaints about a certain pet dragon running loose in the Grey Havens. I can see it will be no easy task gaining an audience with the big guy. As instructed by a bored receptionist, I take a number and wait.
Hours tick by. I have now missed supper, and it looks like I’ll miss second supper, too, when my number is finally called. The door to Solonor Rasreth’s office swings open with trepidation, as if even a door could be reluctant to answer Xiques’s allegations. But inside, Commissioner Rasreth is all smiles.
“It is a pleasure to meet with you again, Lobelia,” says the jolly half-elf. I get down to business right away, filling him in on Xiques’s position. The Commissioner frowns momentarily. “As we have always said, managing a league that is filled with members of various ethnic groups is a challenge. As long as there are elves and orcs, goblins and dwarves, there will be those who manage to upset the applecart.” The Commissioner breaks into a warming smile, and pushes a pamphlet across his desk. “The League continues to promote racial harmony through its educational efforts, especially the ‘Really Big Brothers and Sisters’ program." The pamphlet shows two grinning Uruk-hai holding frightened Hobbits high above their heads.
Not at all thwarted by the pamphlet, I cut right to the chase. “Is Brandelion of Lethargy a mind-melding, manipulative vixen?”
“No comment,” Rasreth says firmly. Frustrated by his lack of response, I ask, “As her twin, can you tell us about her character?” The half-elf chuckles to himself, saying, “Yes, she certainly is one.” He is obviously pleased with his little joke, and continues to chuckle for some time until he halts suddenly and continues with stone-dead determination. “Seriously, the family has been concerned for quite some time that the stress of running a major league team so soon after returning from her harrowing escape might be too much. It's bad enough that she got mixed up with BranMorda, but now she's taken to secluding herself in the depths of Moria for long stretches of time. Her mental state is a private matter for the family, and we will handle it,” says Rasreth, speaking as her concerned twin. “However, if her erratic behavior starts to negatively impact the league, I won't hesitate to step in and deal with it; Commissioner-to-Owner, not brother-to-sister. Nepotism has no place in this league.” By the gleam of unwavering conviction in his eye, I know he is serious.
I ask, “Do you approve of the Naming Ceremony in Moria that started all this discontent?” Rasreth shook his head. “It is a common initiation ritual for players on any team to take on a
'game’ name, shedding whatever strange moniker they started with in life. I see nothing wrong with it. Some teams carry it a bit far, adding unnecessary hoopla to the whole thing,” said Rasreth. “But the League has no interest in the social affairs of a team.”
The Commissioner informs me that Naming Ceremonies are common practice for teams within the SGCBL; almost every team has done it. But have there been other players who took offense to the ritual? “Not that I know of,” says Rasreth. Could it be that Xiques stands alone?
“Well, Commissioner,” I say, keenly aware of the rumbling of my supper-missing tummy, and his answer-missing responses. “What does the league plan to do about the allegations of racism in Moria?”
“I believe I’ve already answered that,” he says. “No you didn’t,” I point out. “Yes, I did,” he says, again pushing the Really Big Brothers and Sisters pamphlet toward me. “A pamphlet? Are you going to give Xiques a pamphlet?”
Commissioner Rasreth seems to consider for a moment, before simply saying, “Mugwump.” I can see the interview is over; just like his evil twin, the Commissioner has managed to skirt the issue at hand and has left Xiques to deal with racism on his own.
Though I knew my efforts would be in vain, I contacted the Miners organization for official comment. Just as I expected, Brandelion refused all comment. In a last-ditch attempt, I contacted several players on the Miners roster for anyone willing to collaborate Xiques’s story; sadly, none answered.
It appears Xiques does, indeed, stand alone.
Out of Context: Celebrity Gossip with Juicedawn Peatfingers
by Juicedawn Peatfingers MORIA - Good gossip is a hot commodity in Moria, where news travels fast. This week, the hottest rumors surround the temperamental owner and stand-in manager of the Moria Miners, Brandelion of Lethargy. A close informant...Personal life aside, Brandelion's been stirring up scintillating gossip on the playing field. Aides in the Miners organization report that Bran gave her team an acid-tongued talking to after a disappointing show against Bywater and Rivendell. No word on what the full, scathing speech was about, though sources say she reportedly called several of the players "retards" and stormed out of the locker room with all the panache of a well-trained drama queen. Temper, temper! I can't imagine that kind of behavior will do much for team morale.
So, what next from 'Bizarro Bran-o', Moria's reigning Queen of Distemper? Sky's the limit, I'm sure. Or, should I say, high-apple-pie-in-the-sky's the limit? Tune in next week for the dish on what's what and who's who in the baseball world. Until then, peace, love, annnnnd Gossip! mwah!
October 28, 2004
Rioting in Moria Caused Bridge Collapse
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria NEWS Sounds of Rioting Cause Khazad-dum Collapse It has been confirmed that the rumbling noise heard by witnesses just before the collapse of the Bridge of Khazad-dum restoration project...Reporters had a brief opportunity to question Brandelion of Lethargy, owner of the Miners franchise, before she disappeared into the shadows. Bran expressed little sympathy for the situation, and denied all blame. "Look. We're a ball team. We play baseball. We offer promotions so people will come and watch us play baseball. That's what we did; it's not my fault the fans didn't like what we gave them. What do you want me to do? We didn't kill a bunch of folk and burn down local businesses. It is certainly not our fault a few slobbering idiots acted like the idiots they are and started knocking teeth out." A group of fans listening to her statement, which included the pacifist protestors, the Idiot Orcslobberer family of Barad-dur, immediately took offense to her comment. The group emitted a tapestry of foul language that has now joined Mayor Dwalin's finely-crafted curses from last week's election debates, hovering above the Pass of Carapace; thankfully, the crowd was content to curse and refrained from a fresh wave of violence.
Following Bran's comment and the backlash against it, Moria's PR manager, Heodwyn Soft Voice, issued a statement of apology. "The Moria Miners, management, players, and staff, deeply regret the loss of life that has occurred due to the rioting of the Mirkwood vs. Moria game of 20 Astron. We offer our most sincere apologies to the families and friends of the victims, as well as our heartfelt sympathy. We feel your loss, and weep beside you. We are taking steps to heal the effects of this shared tragedy in Moria. Restitution will be given to the area businesses that were looted during the riot. The Miners will also help make amends for the destruction of the Bridge of Khazad-dum restoration project. We apologize to our fans for the unfortunate mix-up, and tell them: the Miners value you. We will take care of you. Together, we can make Moria a better place. Please continue to support your home team."
Coalition Won't Give Up On Bridge--Plans to Continue Restoration
Construction on the Bridge of Khazad-dum restoration project had only just begun when the rioting at Khazad-dum Stadium brought it all crashing down. "It was terrible," said Fisil Zirak. "With four people dead, and everything in ruin, I wasn't sure we would go on." After watching all his work and careful planning fall to ruin, Zirak was understandably discouraged. Zirak and the Coalition for a Better Moria had been funded by a government grant--funding that was immediately withdrawn in the wake of the tragedy. "Without the grants, we had no way of continuing the project," said Zirak. "Then, like a miracle, word of the rioting got round to me. I knew, then, that the cause of all the destruction was the sound waves from the rioting, and my heartbroken weeping ceased. I met with Mayor Dwalin immediately, and managed to convince him to reinstate our funding."
An excited Zirak called together the surviving Khazad-dum crew and announced that construction would begin again with new vigor. Opponents of the restoration project expressed disappointment and anger. Said Grim Thrushknocker, "The fools are at it again, squandering money on a hopeless cause, when Moria's in such a state of destruction [following the riots.] Fools, they are! It was some kind of clever fabrication on their [the Coalition's] part to say that everything came crashing down because of 'sound waves.' The truth is, the Bridge crumbled because it is not meant to be rebuilt--it is a sign, directly from our forefathers that this project is madness. There are more important things to take care of in Moria, right now, like all the little dwarvelings without shoes, the women without adequate beard-trimmers." Thrushknocker went on to claim that the Coalition's funding has come from ill-begotten means. "Makes me sick, it does, that our government is making bargains with thieves. I know for a fact that Mayor Dwalin made a deal with Fisil Zirak--in exchange for government funding, which is taxpayer money straight from the pockets of the folk of Moria, I might add, Zirak gave the Mayor an artifact of rare value; an artifact of great importance to the dwarven peoples, something that should never have been in the hands of that bloody Zirak. I'll let you go ahead and guess what it was.”
Though Thrushknocker refused to name the artifact, anonymous sources point to the Arkenstone of Lonely Mountain, which came up missing last month under mysterious circumstances.
When asked about the Arkenstone, Mayor Dwalin grew defensive. "Preposterous claims! You'll find no Arkenstone here," the Mayor stated. "This administration has a history of frowning upon the removal of artifacts from the public domain into the hands of private collectors. At present time, an investigative task force being headed by my Chief Advisors Oin and Gloin. I am confident in their abilities, and have every reason to believe they will bring the Arkenstone thief to justice." The Mayor continued on to deny the allegations made by Thrushknocker about the source of the project's funding. "The request for funding from the Coalition for a Better Moria was carefully reviewed, and awarded on merit. I feel that the Coalition has done good work for our peoples in the past, and the restoration of the Bridge of Khazad-dum is no exception." Fisil Zirak offered no comment on Thrushknocker’s allegations against him.
Construction on the Bridge is expected to resume tomorrow.
OBITUARIES
Kobur Dryadsnogger, friend to all free folk, died of complications after being trampled in the Moria riots. Dryadsnogger was seen 'talking closely' with a lovely young Dryad at the time. The family sincerely wishes to speak with the Dryad; we would like to know his precious last words. Interment at Thorin Oaks Cemetery, 1:00p.m. 25 Astron.
Labur Durinsfolk went down fighting in the riots of Moria, defending his shop against looters. Survived by his teeth, and a wife, Karin. Interment at Thorin Oaks Cemetery, 3:00p.m. 25 Astron.
Jull Elf-friend, beloved by all, was torn limb from limb by rioters. Her appendages will be sent to four different factions of Elves where they will be buried under Elven soil, in honor of the friendships forged with those damned foreigners. Never trust an elf!
Milonna of Khazad-dum has returned to the halls of her fathers. May she rest in peace. Interment at Thorin Oaks Cemetery, 12:00 noon, 26 Astron
CLASSIFIEDS
Editor's note: The Mithril Post expresses sympathy for those who lost family and friends in the Moria riots. To help restore morale in Moria, we offer free classified ads for the next issue of The Post. Contact the Editor to place your ad: pm Elijah_4EVR and ask for Merry.
October 27, 2004
Riots in Moria after Promotion Day Mixup
by by Hargolas Wood-Elf MORIA - It began as another day of glorious baseball within the halls of Moria on 20 Astron (S.R.), but it ended in blood, with as many as two dozen deaths after a promotional mixup...Orchorror was the first fan in line that day, having begun waiting since before the game on the previous day, also against the Mirkwood Mauraders. He claims that the Moria staff had misled him, and that he actually heard the jingling of gold from within the stadium on the morning of the notorious event. However he, and the other fans were shocked when Moria staff handed them their Orc helms - some of which had been clearly used. "It would've been one thing to have merely found gashes and breaks in the leather," said Moria resident Hogli son of Hoir, "but I actually had an Orc head still attached to the damned helmet! How am I supposed to give that to my young ones!"
The resulting riot is unquestioningly the worst in Middle Earth history. At least two dozen people have been killed, with another three hundred wounded. A blaze was set in eastern Moria, and at this hour it still rages. Yet while some looting continues, most of the thousand-plus rioters have been arrested by the ten-thousand plus soldiers and rangers dispached by King Aragorn of Minas Tirith.
Team Public Relations Manager Heodwyn Soft Voice claims that the person responsible for the mixup was PR spokeshobbit, Morning Glory Boffins, who failed to fill out the proper forms while at the Commissioner's Office. According to Soft Voice, the mix-up occurred due to a crush Boffins has on Queen Brandelion's twin brother and Commissioner of the SGCBL, Solonor Rasreth, which caused her to become inattentive while filling out the promotion day forms.
Although she was reluctant to admit it when questioned by the press, Boffins eventually acknowledged her feelings in a private interview. "It's just uh, well, he's cute and has power and I couldn't help myself because I am uh, very attracted to his uh, well he just seems to, you know, exude this confidence that well, I haven't, you know..." said Boffins during the interview.
According to inside sources, Queen Brandelion of Lethargy was seen visibly gagging when word of the cause of the mix-up got back to her. Before a Press Conference was to occur, while a camera owned by yours-truly was unknowingly turned on, Queen Brandelion admitted her plans on sacking Boffins, not for the form mix-up (and the loss of lives that resulted in the mistake) but for her "appalling romantic attachment" to Commissioner Rasreth. "Disgusting!" Queen Brandelion said. "Absolutely utterly disgusting! She will be sacked for this, I assure you! I can't tolerate anyone in my organization who has such bizarre, abnormal tastes. Morning Glory Boffins should have her head thoroughly examined! He's got warts on his butt, for goodness sake! He drools! How could anyone be attracted to that? He's an aberration of nature." she then realized that the 'camera' was on, and changed her tone.
"That camera is on?" she asked. "Uh, Ms. Boffins will be leaving the Miners due to a history of certain discrepancies in her performance as PR spokeshobbit, with this recent mistake being only a small part. Though we wish her well, we have no room in the organization for this margin of error, and must let her go."
When asked if she has any rancor toward her brother, she said, "My (twin) is a strong leader and does an excellent job as Commissioner. No, i don't have any complaints about him. Now, give me that camera. Hey! Come back here! You can run but you can't hide! Guards, get him! Get him!"
When asked to respond to the assertion that Boffins' crush on Rasreth was the ultimate cause, the Commissioner's Office said this:
"The Commissioner's Office regrets the apparent move being made by Moria's marketing department to blame the situation on someone else. Clearly, this is a matter for Moria management to work out.
"The League deeply regrets any loss of life associated with the riots and sends its condolences to the families of the victims of this tragic event."
There is no word on what legal action will be taken against the responsible members of the Moria baseball organization.
Roster Changes for Miners
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria SPORTS Roster Changes Give Players A Chance Recent changes on the Miners roster have made room for triple-A talent, this week. Reliever Camellia "Darling" Baggins was one of the...Camellia Baggins is equally pleased to be on the Miners roster. "I'm a little nervous, I thinks. I'm out to prove my arm and contribute to the team, and I just can't waits to meet my new team mates. Theys all seems like a nice group of folks."
Francisco Xiques, an up-and-coming talent in the league, also expressed good feelings over his recent promotion. "I've got the Stuff," he said. "It's about time I had the chance to do something with it."
Moria's new second baseman, Sim Hornblower, was unavailable for direct comment, though other members of the team said he "smiled a smile as wide as the cracks of Mount Doom" upon hearing the news. All new additions to the roster are expected to play in this weeks games.
Free Gold Day Changed to Free Orc Helmet Day
In an article ran in the last edition of The Mithril Post, a spokeshobbit for the Miners announced 20 Astron as 'Free Gold Day' at Khazad-dum. However, a clerical error was made on the league promotion day forms; this month's promotion at Khazad-dum Stadium will be 'Free Orc Helmt Day'. An official apology was released by PR manager Heodwyn Soft Voice: "Though we won't be giving away free gold this month due to a clerical error, the Moria Miners will continue to delight fans with a Free Orc Helmet Day, 20 Astron (S.R.) The Miners sincerely apologize for the mix-up, and invite fans to come along for the fun. Please share this special day with us."
Mistake In Mithril Post, vol 2
The Editors of the Mithril Post would like to formally apologize to Ms. Heodwyn of the Soft Voice, PR manager for the Moria Miners. In a recent edition of The Post, Heodwyn's name was misspelled as 'Heodvild'. We thank Ms. Soft Voice for her understanding.
NEWS
Restoration of Bridge Topples; Kills 4
The controversial rebuilding of the Bridge of Khazad-dum came to a halt after two slabs of rock toppled and crushed bystanders, killing two protestors, and two bridge construction workers. Protestors and supporters alike rushed to uncover the trapped victims, but it was too late. "They were dead," wept Fisil Zirak, head of the Coalition For a Better Moria, the group responsible for the bridge restoration. "Two of our best stone workers, gone, and the bridge in ruins. What are we to do, now?"
A spokesdwarf for the group protesting the bridge restoration had a quick reply for Zirak. "Pack it up and go home," said Grim Thrushknocker. "The whole thing reeked before the bridge crashed, and now the stench only grows stronger. Two citizens--two ordinary, everyday citizens were killed by that taxpayer-money-eating monstrosity, when all they wanted to do was take a stand against the squandering of our precious resources. I say, pack it up, and go home. We don't need this kind of [expletive] in Moria."
Witnesses of the event report a 'rumbling' sound just before the slabs came down. While experts are uncertain about what brought the slabs down, the noise is unsettling. "The noise is unsettling," said Constable Pat Lackey. "We're investigatin' all possibilities, but we don't want to rule nothin' out at this time by naming this or that."
A full investigation has been launched into the cause of the collapse, and is expected to be released next week.
OBITUARIES
Gormath "Spit" Polish has moved into other realms. May his hands forever work the stones in the halls of his fathers. Interment at the Thorin Oaks Cemetary, 11:00 a.m., 19 Astron.
Krag Ringrender left us for the halls of his fathers, today. He will be joined in passing by his wife, Nin Ringrender. Apparently, the Bridge decided it was their time to go. Interment at the Thorin Oaks Cemetary at 9:00 a.m., 18 Astron.
The world mourns the loss of stonesmith Gloignar Stoneshaper today. His ashes will be placed at the foot of Lonely Mountain.
CLASSIFIEDS
Quality reproduction 'Lamps of the Valar' available. Many in stock, but going fast! Contact Gordo "Slim" Underhill, Bree
October 25, 2004
Miners Look to Name Changes to Improve Luck
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria Wizard Changes Names: Will It Change Luck? MORIA - A special naming ceremony was held for the Moria Miners last week at Khazad-dum Stadium. Several players on the active...Among the players given new names was top prospect Moran Alcarin, formerly known as Edmundo Avila. Alcarin seemed delighted with his new name. "I had always felt like I didn't belong," said Alcarin. "The strange name, the funny accent--but after the ceremony, I feel like a new man. The level of comradeship on the team has soared to new heights since we all got our new names. I am proud to say, now, that I hail from Gondor. And my teammates love it, too."
Lonar of Moria, formerly Don Guglielmo, is certain team leaders have made the right decision. Lonar boasted confidently in typically Dwarven fashion, "There is no doubt in my mind that these names will change the tides for Moria. If we play well, which we will, this added armor of good luck will lead us to the play-offs."
Heodvild Soft Voice announced that with the success of the major league ceremony, similar ceremonies will be held for each of the Miners's minor league teams in the near future.
Free Gold Day at Khazad-dum!
A spokeshobbit for the Miners announced that the first of this seasons promotion days has been confirmed--Free Gold Day will be 20 Astron (S.R.) at Khazad-dum Stadium, sponsored by The Miming Miners Association of Moria. Said spokeshobbit Morning Glory Boffins, "Free gold will be distributed to lucky fans; don't worry, though! There will be no miming." Please join the Miners for this exciting event.
NEWS
Mayoral Race Tainted With Taunting
In one of the most polarized election years in the history of Moria, Mayor incumbent Dwalin, and Mayoral candidate Balin, have forsaken the issues and jumped right to taunting. The taunting, which included classic jibes such as "your mother was a hairless tart", and other unprintable subjects, began when Balin refused to bow to Dwalin at the beginning of a debate. Dwalin took offense to this breech of Dwarven courtesy, and let forth a stream of obscenities that still hovers above the Pass of Carapace. Confused analysts are scrambling to make sense of what this means. No official comment has come from either side of the race in light of this recent development.
CLASSIFIEDS
Quote:
Attn Samsneed- I need ta talk ta ya real urgent-like. Meet me at da las' place we talked. Same time, in two days from dis ad. Youse gotta be dere. I have Vital Infomation. Must talk before dey gets to me. DH.
P.S.- Bring my fingers wit' ya. I'd be mos' appreciative.
_________________
This space for rent
trade cash for ad space! game promotions, bragging rights, it's up to YOU! contact Middle Earth's premier realtors: Sackville-Baggins & Sons. 'If you can't buy Bag End, why not rent it?'
October 22, 2004
The Mithril Post
from The Mithril Post headline news and notes from Moria SPORTS Miners Win 5 After a dismal opening week, the Moria Miners have bounced back to win an unexpected 5 out of 7. Team leaders, players, and fans couldn't...Moria Scrambles to Find New Management
Miners PR manager Heodwyn of the Soft Voice announced an opening for a new team manager. In a written request, distributed throughout Middle Earth, Heodwyn asks for one with 'prior managerial experience; must have excellent team leadership abilities and, for safety reasons, can not be lactose intolerant.' All interested parties need apply in person.
NEWS
Bridge of Khazad-dum Set To Be Rebuilt
What may seem foolhardy to some, is an heroic feat to others. A team of archeologists, architects, and general construction workers, comprised mostly of home-town Moria dwarves, began clearing wreckage to make way for the rebuilding of the Bridge of Khazad-dum, this week. Spectators have had mixed feelings. "While I can see the sense in rebuilding Moria, I don't see how we can justify this when the entrance to the mines is still littered with rotting goblin carcasses," said Moria resident, Noignar Fengus's Son.
OBITUARIES
Neanivar Orchammerer, loving wife and mother, has left this world. Survived by husband, Risil, and son, Kobur. She will be remembered for her distinguishing beard; the longest in all of Moria. Interment at the Thorin Oaks Cemetary at 1:00p.m.
BranMorda passed away in the quiet of Balin's Tomb. She will be missed by few.
CLASSIFIEDS
Quote:
Mathoms Sale--at the home of Camellia Brandybuck, Buckland. 24 Winterfilth, 8a.m. to elevensies
Quote:
Fisil Zirak--I know you took my Arkenstone, you bloody theif. Now the rest of Moria knows, too. Wallow in your shame.
_________________
This space for rent
trade cash for ad space! game promotions, bragging rights, it's up to YOU! contact Middle Earth's premier realtors: Sackville-Baggins & Sons. 'If you can't buy Bag End, why not rent it?'
October 20, 2004
Brie Killer Strikes Again!
By Lobelia Hardbottle, MESN MORIA - The deceased body of formidable Moria Miners team manager, BranMorda, has been found in the silence of Balin's tomb. Investigators on the scene uncovered no signs of forced entry, no marks on the...October 12, 2004
Madness in Moria?
By Lobelia Hardbottle MORIA - The press huddle together in the gloom of Balin's Tomb after being summoned by team owner, Brandelion of Lethargy. Bran has offered no clues about the subject of the press conference, and representatives of...We members of the press lean forward, pushing closer to the podium. A knife could easily cleave the tension in the room. After a pause, Brandelion continues. "The current, or shall I say, former management of the team were found to be inept; incompetent. They have been sacked. When I say sacked, I do not mean merely out of a job. I'll allow you to use your imaginations to fill in the blanks."
Not a sound comes from my colleagues, or I. The legendary long dark of Moria seems to close around us.
"They have been replaced. All of them. The coaching, the scouting, the managerial duties will now be maintained by this woman, and this woman alone. Esteemed guests, noble members of the press, I give to you BranMorda."
Only then do we see the woman who has stood quietly at Brandelion's right this whole time. She is draped in black, the darkest hues of purple, and wears a single, tear-shaped pendant on a silver crown. Her eyes are dismal and blank.
Around me, my colleagues squirm in their seats. Slowly, calculatedly, BranMorda takes the stand. After several long, empty minutes, she speaks.
"I relish the opportunity to whip this team," BranMorda states coldly.
"Whip this team into shape," Brandelion hastily interjects. Her interruption is met with only stony silence from BranMorda. "On that note, I'd like to express my gratitude that so many of you have been able to come today. I know you will speak favorably of the Miners new team manager, BranMorda. That's capital B-r-a-n- capital M-o-r-d-a."
"Questions!" I cried, waving my quill. "Will you answer a few questions?! Where does BranMorda hail from? What are her plans for the team?"
An explosion of questions erupted around me, but it was to no avail. Brandelion of Lethargy only raised one slender hand to silence us, and vanished into the dark with the formidable BranMorda.
Wild rumors and speculations immediately began to develop. Is BranMorda a relative of the High Queen of Lethargy? How did she find her way into such a rank of power within the league? Has Brandelion been possessed of an evil we dare not dream of? Later, I did my best to coax information from people connected to Moria, including Brandelion’s sig space realtors, Otho & Lotho Sackville-Baggins.
"We have no comment," said Lotho Sackville-Baggins. "We don't want nothing to do with this."
Team members, though still candid on other subjects, carefully avoided the issue. Newly named team leader Bagdreg the Hated was the only player willing to speak with me on the subject.
"We are happy with our new team manager BranMorda," Bagdreg said mechanically. "We have no further comment." This from a normally outspoken player, an orc who, it has been said, has a faster mouth than his pitching arm. It all seems too suspicious to me. This reporter asks, what is this madness in Moria? When will we know the real story?