Old Forest
Old Forest Merry Fellows
May 05, 2008
Great Week for Old Forest's Left Fielder
It's always a thrill for fans of the team and students of the game alike, when a superstar in the making shows what he's got. El-Rond *Hubbard, the Old Forest Merry Fellows 21-year-old left fielder, put himself in the spotlight...April 21, 2008
Old Forest Signs Ala'Niel for 4 Years
OLD FOREST - A $53,120,000 package keeping Yvestil Ala'Niel a member of the Merry Fellows has been accepted by the player and her agent. Ala'Niel will earn $13,280,000 annually over the next 4 years. In her career Ala'Niel has fanned...March 30, 2008
Top SC Rookie Trophy Taken by *Hubbard
The Shire Conference Frodo Rookie Award honoree has been picked for 2016 and the winner was Old Forest designated hitter El-Rond *Hubbard. The talented Merry Fellows designated hitter took the trophy by hitting .310 in 156 games this season and...Gandalf Pitcher Award Winner Announced
When Sjors Cheeseslicer takes the hill, there's a good chance for a Old Forest victory. At least that's the way it was this past season. He excelled with a 22-7 mark and 2.03 ERA in 34 starts, tossed 265.2 innings,...March 20, 2008
Old Forest 2016 Return of the King Series Champions
OLD FOREST - It was a clash of the two best teams in the Tolkien Baseball -- the Old Forest Merry Fellows and the Misty Mountain Hops -- and when the dust cleared on the diamond -- the Merry Fellows...March 17, 2008
Old Forest Crowned Shire Champs
BYWATER - The Bounders put up their own quality staff of hurlers, but they couldn't match the brilliant pitching show put on by the Old Forest Merry Fellows. Old Forest won the Two Towers Series, taking their 3rd Shire Conference...March 10, 2008
Elrithor Touches All the Bases, Hits Cycle
OLD FOREST - The Merry Fellows Eolf Elrithor had one of the best days of his career on September 26, when he hit for the cycle and paved the way for the Old Forest 8-1 win over the Rivendell Royals....February 25, 2008
SC's #1 Player, *Hubbard of Old Forest
El-Rond *Hubbard finds himself in the Shire Conference spotlight today after his impossible-to-ignore performance last week. He carried the Old Forest Merry Fellows on his shoulders, earning Shire Conference Player of the Week honors. The 20-year-old hit .393 (11-28) with...*Hubbard Picked SC's Premier Rookie
One of the Shire Conference's brightest newcomers, El-Rond *Hubbard was at the head of his class in August as he picked up the Rookie of the Month honors. The 20-year-old Old Forest designated hitter batted .315 with 9 home runs...February 07, 2008
Merry Fellows Hurler Named July's Top Starter
In July Old Forest starter Sjors Cheeseslicer mystified Shire Conference hitters and carried off the Pitcher of the Month honors by chalking up a 5-0 record in 5 starts. The 34-year-old Cheeseslicer added 43 strikeouts in 40.1 innings and 9...December 20, 2007
Cheeseslicer Earns SC Top Pitcher Trophy
The Shire Conference announced today that Sjors Cheeseslicer has been chosen the league's Pitcher of the Month. The Old Forest starter had everything working for him last month as he glided to a 3-1 record. In April Cheeseslicer chalked up...December 17, 2007
Merry Fellows Get Shutout Win Over Bounders
OLD FOREST - In an outstanding mound performance on April 22, Frodo Chubb of the Old Forest Merry Fellows scuttled the Bywater Bounders 9-0 on a 1-hit shutout, ringing up 14 strikeouts and giving up 1 walk. "He's got great...December 13, 2007
CL Boreagrin Opts for Extension
OLD FOREST - Flanked by team officials and his agent, Boremir Boreagrin announced that he'd agreed to terms with the Merry Fellows on April 14. Officials declined to specify a salary publicly, but in private say the figure is $5,220,000...December 10, 2007
Devils deal with Merry Fellows
OLD FOREST - Word came today from the Old Forest GM of a trade between the Merry Fellows and the Dunharrow Devils. In this multi-player deal, Old Forest will swap Fosco Bramble, Robert Lauzon, Paul Fite and $1 million for...October 22, 2007
Player of the Week: Boartooth of the Merry Fellows
The Shire Conference has chosen Cinquefoil Boartooth of the Old Forest Merry Fellows as Player of the Week. What a week Boartooth had. He hit .526 (10-19) with 3 home runs, 6 RBIs and 7 runs scored. So far this...October 11, 2007
SC's Top Hitter Selected
Cinquefoil Boartooth of the Old Forest Merry Fellows swung a mean bat for the last 30 days and was acclaimed the Shire Conference Batter of the Month for August. The red-hot first baseman slapped out a .402 batting average, 6...September 06, 2007
Gwildur Booms 3 HRs Versus Archers!
OLD FOREST - Old Forest first baseman Imredoc Gwildur sensed he was going to have a good game at the plate, but he underestimated just a little bit. Prior to the game, Gwildur predicted he would hit a home run...August 20, 2007
Ala'Niel SC's #1 Pitcher in May
The Pitcher of the Month Award has been selected and the Shire Conference honor went to Old Forest hurler, Yvestil Ala'Niel. For her excellent outings in May she has been named the league's top pitcher. During the month, Ala'Niel was...Bramble Red-Hot, SC Player of the Week
This week Fosco Bramble, shortstop for the Old Forest Merry Fellows, slashed, mashed and bashed his way to the Shire Conference Player of the Week trophy. Bramble put up a .536 average as he pounded out 15 hits, 3 home...July 26, 2007
Cheeseslicer Winner, Whitewashes Marauders
OLD FOREST - "I had everything working for me out there. I used every one of my pitches, hit both sides of the plate really well and felt like I could do whatever I wanted." With stuff like that, it...May 04, 2007
Player of the Week: Old Forest First Baseman
This week's Player of the Week was Cinquefoil Boartooth of the Old Forest Merry Fellows. His award-winning bat ambushed Shire Conference pitching for 12 hits in 23 at-bats, 3 home runs, and 7 RBIs while hitting .522 and scoring 5...Imredoc Gwildur ends speculation; signs with Old Forest
OLD FOREST - In what local scribes are hailing as huge, the Merry Fellows inked a $25,900,000 deal with first baseman Imredoc Gwildur on July 29. Despite his lengthy injury, team officials expect Gwildur to fill an important role on...April 26, 2007
Week's Premier Performer Honored by SC
It was announced today that Old Forest first baseman Cinquefoil Boartooth was selected the Shire Conference Player of the Week Award for his superb play last week. All week long the Old Forest first baseman was a certified hitting machine...April 16, 2007
SC's #1 Player is Chubb
Frodo Chubb capped off a phenomenal week on the hill by nailing down Shire Conference Player of the Week honors today. The 31-year-old Merry Fellows hurler tossed a total of 13 innings last week, collecting 2 wins, 14 strikeouts and...April 14, 2007
Frodo Chubb blackmails manager into complete games streak
OLD FOREST - It began innocently enough early on the fifth of June, when Frodo Chubb spoke with team manager Kigush Eyeslobberer before a start against the Rivendell Royals. And now, almost a month later, it continues - Frodo Chubb...April 12, 2007
Old Forest's Bramble Snaps Up Player of the Week
Fosco Bramble finds himself in the Shire Conference spotlight today after his impossible-to-ignore performance last week. He carried the Old Forest Merry Fellows on his shoulders, earning Shire Conference Player of the Week honors. The 30-year-old hit .522 (12-23) with...March 29, 2007
Most Recent Shire Conference Pitcher of the Month Award Goes to Old Forest's Chubb
OLD FOREST - In May Old Forest starter Frodo Chubb mesmerized hitters with an array of effective pitches. The newly anointed Pitcher of the Month unleashed some serious firepower, going 5-0 in 6 games started in that time. Chubb held...March 26, 2007
Cheeseslicer of Merry Fellows Fires No-Hitter Against Bucklebury
OLD FOREST - Sjors Cheeseslicer was untouchable on May 26, displaying a perfect sense for pitching against the Bucklebury Fairies. He did not allow a single hit, fanning 12, while walking 1, entering the record books. In 2014 Cheeseslicer has...March 22, 2007
Goat Riders conspiracy dominates league
via Merry Fellows Gazette MIDDLE EARTH - A rash string of mysterious incidents have recently dominated Tolkien Baseball, leaving some to believe that a conspiracy of "goat riders" is afoot. The mysterious "goat riders" appears to be a secret organization...March 01, 2007
Hubbard of Old Forest Gets Feather in His Cap: SC Player of the Week Honors
OLD FOREST - What a week it was for Alrond *Hubbard! The Old Forest third baseman took Shire Conference Player of the Week honors after tearing up the league with a .423 batting average in his recent games. *Hubbard registered...Merry Fellows Ink Catcher Wingnutt to Contract Extension
OLD FOREST - Old Forest officials and Thor Wingnutt shook hands on a $18,000,000 deal on April 2. The extension will keep Wingnutt from becoming a free agent for at least 3 years....February 13, 2007
Moraman Lands $5,300,000 Yearly Deal with Old Forest
OLD FOREST - Old Forest officials presented Peromer Moraman to the media this afternoon as their latest signing. The 29-year-old will make $5,300,000 a year over the course of his 4-year deal. Peromer Moraman has a career .240 batting average...Old Forest, Starting Pitcher Gaum Come to Terms
OLD FOREST - Merry Fellows officials confirmed today that they have inked a deal with Gollogrin Gaum. The 37-year-old starting pitcher will net $14,900,000 a year, and will call Old Forest home for 2 years. Over his career in 333...Old Forest Inks Star Reliever to $3,000,000 Deal
OLD FOREST - The Merry Fellows today announced the signing of reliever Paul Fite. The deal is worth an estimated $3,000,000 covering 2 years. Fite has accumulated a 16-28 lifetime record. He has 308 strikeouts in 315.1 IP and made...February 11, 2007
2013 Aragorn MVP's announced
MIDDLE EARTH - The winners of the 2013 Aragorn Most Valuable Player awards for the Shire and Mordor Conferences have been determined by ballot of the owners. In the Shire Conference, Sjors 'Truly' Cheeseslicer of Old Forest becomes the 2nd...February 08, 2007
Old Forest trades Merumli
OLD FOREST - Veteran infielder, Perauman Merumli, is being shipped back to the Mordor Conference where he spent the first 7 years of his career with the Isengard Raiders. Merumli, 33, was traded to the Dunharrow Devils in exchange for...February 04, 2007
SP Chubb Extends Stay with Merry Fellows
OLD FOREST - Merry Fellows inked a deal with 31-year-old Frodo Chubb today signaling that it not only wanted him on the field but in the clubhouse. Publicly, Frodo Chubb has spoken highly of Old Forest so the extension wasn't...January 29, 2007
SC Gandalf Pitcher Award Winner Announced: Old Forest's Sjors Cheeseslicer Takes Prize
Sjors Cheeseslicer was really special this season. When he was on the mound for Old Forest, there was magic in the ballpark. He started 37 games, logged 301 innings, and conjured up 24 victories with just 9 defeats. Cheeseslicer disposed...January 27, 2007
Conference Champions Crowned
Old Forest wins 2nd straight Shire title Old Forest won its 2nd straight Shire Conference championship trophy by defeating the Wilderland Wargs in 6 games in the Two Towers Series. In Game 1, Frodo Chubb and Lintegurth Musiceye squared off...January 16, 2007
Merry Fellows coax Elvywyn out of retirement
OLD FOREST - Myrtai Elvywyn, the power-hitting first baseman who retired at the start of the 2012 season, is coming back for one last swing of the bat. "Silk Sheets" says he isn't in it for the money, though the...December 25, 2006
SC Player of the Week Pick--Old Forest Second Baseman Silvermaster
What a week it was for Sifur Silvermaster! The Old Forest second baseman took Shire Conference Player of the Week honors after tearing up the league with a .423 batting average in his recent games. Silvermaster registered 11 hits in...December 04, 2006
Shire Conference Presents Gollauman Gandilhil of Old Forest Player of the Week Trophy
There was no one hotter in the Shire Conference last week, as Gollauman Gandilhil attacked enemy pitching with a vengeance. The 30-year-old Old Forest Merry Fellows right fielder batted .560, rapping out 14 hits, including 2 doubles and 1 home...November 20, 2006
Elfprodder of Merry Fellows Hits for the Cycle Against Minas Ithil!
OLD FOREST - "How sweet it is when the sweet part of the bat makes contact with the baseball. It's music to my ears." That is how Hudash Elfprodder, the Old Forest left fielder, described what happened in June 3rd's...November 06, 2006
Old Forest's Chubb Sizzles in Shutout Win over Lake Town
LAKE TOWN - "My pitching coach told me before the game just to bear down and focus. He said no one was going to hit me if I'm throwing a good breaking ball with good location." And that's what Frodo...October 13, 2006
Grailas traded to Old Forest
MISTY MTN - Team officials for Misty Mountain announced a deal that will send ace pitcher, Gwomer "The Hoard" Grailas, to Old Forest. In exchange, the Merry Fellows give up the original Merry Fellow--their 1st pick of 2003, Rognash Kidneyslammer--and...September 14, 2006
2012 Elrond Managers
The Elrond Manager of the Year awards were given out at a ceremony today. Winning the award in the Shire Conference is Kigush Eyeslobberer of Old Forest. He piloted his team to 1st place in the Elf Division and on...Chubb (OF) and Amblestar (MM) win Gandalf Pitcher Award
The Shire Conference Gandalf Pitcher Award winner was announced today, with Old Forest's southpaw Frodo Chubb taking home the desired trophy. He certainly earned it, he struck fear into hitters all year long. This season Chubb compiled an ERA of...September 12, 2006
Old Forest Crowned Shire Champs!
OLD FOREST - The Old Forest Merry Fellows outlasted the Cheese to take the Shire Two Towers Series and their 2nd conference championship trophy. It took 7 games for Bombadil's squad to make it, but they will be back in...September 11, 2006
Old Forest sweeps Lake Town
LAKE TOWN - Before a packed house of 60,000 Archer fans, the Old Forest Merry Fellows finished off a sweep of Lake Town on October 8 with a 8-4 win. The Merry Fellows won games 1 and 2 on the...September 08, 2006
Old Forest cruises to 1st division title
OLD FOREST - The Old Forest Merry Fellows came out of the gate swinging and never looked back. They easily took their first Elf Division title, 13.5 games ahead of the Mirkwood Marauders. Mirkwood won the last 4 and...September 07, 2006
Pitcher of the Month award winners announced
Sjors Cheeseslicer couldn't have pitched much better than he did in September, and the Shire Conference thought so as well, naming the right-hander Pitcher of the Month. His record of 5-0 in 6 was among the leagues best this month....August 31, 2006
Frodo Chubb blanks Bree with a 1-hitter
OLD FOREST - Great days are rare. But not for Old Forest's southpaw Frodo Chubb. Bree found out the hard way on September 15 that he is among the leagues top pitchers, getting just one hit. It's his 4th shutout...August 14, 2006
Yvestil Ala'Niel shuts out Rivendell on one hit
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's left-hander Yvestil Ala'Niel is a great pitcher. And on August 8 she once again showed her stuff, blanking Rivendell on just one hit. It's her 3rd shutout this season, and the 3rd time she has...August 07, 2006
Hudash Elfprodder on fire, laces five hits
DUNHARROW - Hudash Elfprodder punished Dunharrow's pitching on July 26, collecting five hits in 7 AB. That definitely helped Old Forest, they won the game 15 to 12. Number 1 in the 2nd inning, a shot estimated at 437 feet,...Yvestil Ala'Niel blanks Grey Havens with a 2-hitter
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's left-hander Yvestil Ala'Niel is clearly one of the best pitchers in the game. Grey Havens found out the hard way on July 24, getting just 2 hits. Ala'Niel 2nd shutout this season was a masterpiece,...August 05, 2006
Trade shakes up 3 teams
OLD FOREST - Trades between the Merry Fellows, Devils and Raiders has juggled the lineups and pitching staffs of all three teams. In a series of moves before the July 31 trading deadline, Old Forest has engineered deals with Isengard...Trade shakes up 3 teams
OLD FOREST - Trades between the Merry Fellows, Devils and Raiders has juggled the lineups and pitching staffs of all three teams. In a series of moves before the July 31 trading deadline, Old Forest has engineered deals with Isengard...July 31, 2006
Old Forest's Megilwen severely injured, out for season
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's right-hander Eralqua Megilwen experienced probably the worst case scenario for a pitcher, a season ending injury. After pitching in the 5th inning of the game against Dol Guldur on July 15, Megilwen complained about serious...July 20, 2006
Bucklebury trade with Old Forest
OLD FOREST - The Merry Fellows announced another deal today involving the Bucklebury Fairies. The Fairies, looking to restock their minors, are getting Till Silentmallet, a 21-year-old 1B prospect from Old Forest in exchange for Gamaithor Elylith, Boriam Celebrin and...Old Forest trades with Devils
OLD FOREST - The Merry Fellows continued their mid-season dealings with a trade that would send Gandilgol Eowül, Thoma Thugast, Mororon Meriawyn and Nark Silverbinder to Dunharrow in exchange for Fosco Bramble, Kegan Ogrehammer and $5 million. Eowül, known as...July 19, 2006
Old Forest, Minas Ithil make deal
OLD FOREST - The Merry Fellows announced a deal with Minas Ithil today that would send Tina Legàl, Sauron the Evil, Jr., and their 2nd round draft pick to the Wyrms for Sifur Silvermaster. Silvermaster, 30, is a power-hitting infielder...July 06, 2006
Fabur Beardcutter shuts out Minas Ithil on one hit
OLD FOREST - Fabur Beardcutter took the mound on May 27 and never left. And Minas Ithil hitters couldn't touch him at all. Old Forest's right-hander gave up just one hit in his 1st shutout of the season. He now...June 26, 2006
Ala'Niel and Muddyfoot win Player of the Week award
The Shire Conference's best player of the week was Old Forest's Yvestil Ala'Niel, who wins the award for the 1st time in her career. Ala'Niel was overpowering all week long, going 2-0 with an ERA of 1.06. Along the way...Megilwen and Cloudskin receive April Pitcher of the Month award
Eralqua Megilwen couldn't have pitched much better than he did in April, and the Shire Conference thought so as well, naming the right-hander Pitcher of the Month. His ERA of just 0.78 helped him to a 3-0 record in April....June 22, 2006
Player of the Week honors go to Cheeseslicer and Velom
The Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Sjors Cheeseslicer, one of Old Forest's best starting pitchers. Cheeseslicer was overpowering all week long, going 2-0 with an ERA of 2.08. Along the way he struck out 20 in...May 01, 2006
Elfprodder (OF) and Long Cleve (GH) win P.O.W. award
Old Forest's leftfielder Hudash Elfprodder had some reason to celebrate, as the league named him the Shire Conference Player of the Week. Elfprodder helped his team with an average of .444 and 12 RBI in 27 at bats. The Mordor...April 24, 2006
Player of the Week honors go to Cheeseslicer and Imrilron
The Shire Conference's best player of the week was Old Forest's Sjors Cheeseslicer, who wins the award for the 1st time in his career. Sjors went 2-0 with an ERA of 1.59, while fanning 16 in 17 innings of work....April 10, 2006
Sjors Cheeseslicer quiets Wilderland bats with shutout
OLD FOREST - Sjors Cheeseslicer took the mound on August 2 and never left. And Wilderland hitters couldn't touch him at all. Old Forest's right-hander gave up just 2 hits in his 2nd shutout of the season. He now has...March 30, 2006
Dagorlad's Leguden wins Player of the Week award
The Shire Conference's best player of the week was Old Forest's Thor Wingnutt, who wins the award for the 1st time in his career. Thor was on fire, hitting .429 with 2 HR and 10 RBI. It's the 3rd time...February 27, 2006
Eralqua Megilwen (OF) will miss 5 weeks
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's right-hander Eralqua Megilwen suffered a severe injury on May 11 and will be out for at least 5 weeks. In the 4th of the game against Bucklebury he experienced pain in his throwing arm and...February 20, 2006
Goramir traded to Merry Fellows
MINAS TIRITH - His offensive production having slowed, Minas Tirith decided not to wait around for the original Titan to retire before getting something for him. They traded the 33-year-old future Hall-of-Famer to Old Forest in exchange for 27-year-old third...Misty Mountain's Bloodaxe wins Player of the Week award
The Shire Conference's best player of the week was Old Forest's Hudash Elfprodder, who wins the award for the 2nd time in his career. In 29 at bats he hit .586 with 4 HR and 11 RBI. Hudash has gone...February 16, 2006
Old Forest's Hudash Elfprodder hits for the cycle
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's leftfielder Hudash Elfprodder accomplished a difficult feat in a game against Bywater on April 23, hitting for the cycle to improve his career batting average to .264! A double off Ulor Témir in the 2nd...February 02, 2006
Rockback sent to Bywater
OLD FOREST - Future Hall-of-Fame catcher, Rafur "Rocky" Rockback, was traded by the Merry Fellows to Bywater in a deal that sent the 4-time All-Star to the Bounders along with reliever Kenton Ayo. In exchange, Bywater gives up minor league...January 25, 2006
More Bree Housecleaning
BREE - The Cheese have decided it's "out with the old, in with the new" as they entered into another trade, this time with Old Forest. They sent outfielder, Noilin Ringcrusher, and reliever, Dejath "Taco" Belarà, to the Merry Fellows...January 16, 2006
Batter of the Month award winners announced
The Batter of the Month award in the Shire Conference goes to Old Forest's Hudash Elfprodder this time, as the leftfielder displayed the best offensive perfomance in his league. He had an on base percentage of .347 and hit .307,...January 05, 2006
Chubb (OF) and Aenoa (MM) win P.O.W. award
It's the 2nd time that the Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Old Forest's pitcher Frodo Chubb. Chubb was overpowering all week long, going 2-0 with an ERA of 2.25. Along the way he struck out 13...December 08, 2005
Rohan's Silverglove wins Player of the Week award
It's the 3rd time that the Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Old Forest's rightfielder Gollauman Gandilhil. Gollauman pounded opposing pitchers, hitting .619 with 2 HR and 7 RBI while slugging 1.095. Gollauman is hitting .310 this...November 28, 2005
Chubb and Long Cleve receive Pitcher of the Month award
The best month of June in the Shire Conference certainly had Old Forest's lefty Frodo Chubb, earning him the Pitcher of the Month award. He had an ERA of just 0.49 in 55.2 innings of work in which he struck...November 24, 2005
Chubb and Elfdrinker win Player of the Week award
Old Forest's pitcher Frodo Chubb had some reason to celebrate, as the league named him the Shire Conference Player of the Week. Frodo went 2-0 with an ERA of 0.00, while fanning 11 in 16.1 innings of work. He hurled...November 21, 2005
Old Forest's Cheeseslicer out for 7 weeks
OLD FOREST - Old Forest is without its right-hander Sjors Cheeseslicer for at least 7 weeks. He injured himself while throwing a pitch to Grimli Goramir in a game against Minas Tirith on June 16. His face showed signs of...November 18, 2005
Frodo Chubb fires 2-hitter against Bucklebury
BUCKLEBURY - Frodo Chubb had some fun again. Bucklebury hitters did not. Old Forest's left-hander gave up just 2 hits in his 1st shutout of the season on June 9. He now has 2 career shutouts in 167 games started....November 10, 2005
Old Forest's Kidneyslammer out for 6 weeks
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's shortstop Rognash Kidneyslammer will miss at least 6 weeks after he got hurt seriously while running hard toward second base in a game on May 29. He began limping and then fell down, causing a...October 27, 2005
Grey Havens' *Starsley wins Player of the Week award
It's the 1st time that the Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Old Forest's shortstop Rognash Kidneyslammer. Rognash pounded opposing pitchers, hitting .387 with 2 HR and 6 RBI while slugging .742. Begrin *Starsley wins his 5th...October 20, 2005
Dead Marshes' Elvywyn wins Player of the Week award
The Shire Conference Player of the Week award goes to Relin Rockmaster, Old Forest's starting designated hitter. In 23 at bats he hit .565 with 3 HR and 6 RBI. It's the 5th time that the Mordor Conference Player of...Relin Rockmaster slams 3 HR
OLD FOREST - Hitting a homerun is fine, but hitting three of them in one game is something special. Old Forest's designated hitter Relin Rockmaster accomplished that feat in a 4-1 win over Moria on April 12. A 408 foot...October 17, 2005
Meet the Merry Fellows
via the Old Forest Press OLD FOREST - With opening day of the 2010 season literally only hours away, the sports department here at the Old Forest Press have decided that an extensive profile of the championship team would be...Catcher:
Joining the team is four-time All Star Rafur Rockback, who was acquired in the off season. Although only 32 years of age, Rockback is the old man on the team. In 7 years of play, "Rocky" has averaged 30 homeruns a season, along with more than 100 RBI, while sporting a career batting average of .284 and OBP of .384. Rockback should be a drastic upgrade at the catcher's position over last year's duo of Ugbag Blacktooth and Thor Wingnutt. Wingnutt, 22, will return as the backup catcher for the 2010 campaign.
Infield:
The Merry Fellows currently have an abundance of infield talent. The starting first baseman, and team captain is 27-year-old Cinquefoil "Homer King" Boartooth. Boartooth, 27, is beginning his fourth season with the Merry Fellows, and is coming off a career year in 2009 where he batted .267 while blasting 40 homers and 103 RBI while walking 92 times and stealing 17 bases.
At second is 24-year-old Petunia Gamgee, who has been a Merry Fellow ever since she was traded to the team from Moria in 2007. Gamgee underachieved last year, batting .278 with only 12 homers and 76 RBI. However, the team is expecting an offensive surge from her in 2010, especially after batting .326 along with 10 homers and 41 RBI in her final 313 at bats of the 2009 season (including a .371 post season AVG in 62 at bats).
Playing shortstop is the original Merry Fellow, Rognash Kidneyslammer. Kidneyslammer, 27, finally met his potential last season after batting .256 with 29 doubles, 9 triples, 18 homeruns, 76 RBI, 101 runs scored, and 32 steals - all from the leadoff spot. Kidneyslammer also drew 94 walks and batted .320 with 13 RBI in the post season.
At third is the underachieving Gamaithor Elylith, 25. Elylith has perhaps the best eye of any player in the game, but unfortunately has lacked the ability to consistantly make contact. Last year, Elylith lost his starting job after batting just .163, but with 18 homers and 41 RBI in 392 at bats. In spite of having only 392 at bats, Elylith drew 71 walks - only 11 fewer than Shaglakh the Devastator, who was 10th in the Conference (and had 515 at bats). Elylith has worked on improving his contact and will begin the season as the starter.
Also in the infield mix is 27-year-old super sub Eolf Elrithor. Elrithor was instrumental in the Merry Fellows post season drive last year, batting .294 with a .350 OBP, along with 30 doubles, 13 homeruns, 83 RBI, and 25 steals. Elrithor will be the primary backup at all four infield positions for the Merry Fellows in 2010, but will be poised to step in for any starter who may get injured. It would also be a mistake to forget Alrond Hubbard, a 22-year-old infield prospect who could be starting for the team right now, but will begin the year in the minors.
Outfield:
Starting in left field is 26-year-old Hudash "Rolling Thunder" Elfprodder. Elfprodder had a down season in 2009. He batted .263 with only 22 homeruns and 91 RBI after missing almost a month of action with a broken finger. Elfprodder is looking to return to form in 2010, as he has the potential to slam 50 homeruns a year. While Elfprodder was the regular cleanup hitter in 2009, the Merry Fellows offense is so loaded at the moment that he has been relegated to the 8th spot in the batting order.
In center field is 25-year-old youngster Peromer Moraman, who was acquired from Dead Marshes in a mid-season trade last year. Moraman worked hard in the off-season to improve his contact, and is looking to improve upon a .216 batting average and .333 OBP. Moraman was 9th in the league in steals last year with 50, in spite of having only 385 at bats.
Starting in right field is the 2009's Team MVP, Gollauman Gandilhil. The "Hit Machine" was acquired from Dol Guldur during the middle of the 2009 season, and went on to put up huge numbers for the Merry Fellows. In 81 games with the team, Gandilhil batted .341 with 16 homers and 64 RBI. He won back-to-back Player of the Month Awards for July and August.
Finally, the Merry Fellows boast one of the best designated hitters in the game, in 26-year-old star Relin Rockmaster. Rockmaster was acquired from Dunharrow mid-season last year after the Disaster couldn't afford his contract demands. After joining Old Forest, the young slugger batted .286 with 17 homeruns and 69 RBI, along with a .372 OBP. He also won the Bilbo Playoff MVP award after batting .325 with 12 doubles, 4 homers, and 18 RBI.
All around, these players comprise the most dangerous offense in Tolkien Baseball, and should challenge a variety of team offensive records in the 2010 season.
But have we mentioned that the Merry Fellows also have great pitching?
The Rotation:
Topping the rotation is 27-year-old ace Frodo Chubb. "Bubbha" won 17 games last year for the Merry Fellows with an ERA of 3.29 and 216 k's in 229.2 innings pitched. Chubb has won 16 games or more each year for the last three seasons and is looking to have his first 20-win season this year.
In the two slot is 27-year-old righty Sjors Cheeseslicer, who was acquired mid-season from Dol Guldur. Cheeseslicer went 12-14 last year (7-6 as a Merry Fellow) with a 3.64 ERA.
The third Merry Fellow starter is 27-year-old Bifur Snowlegs. Snowlegs was also acquired in the Dol Goldur trade and went 14-9 (7-3 as a Merry Fellow) last year with a 3.45 ERA.
Starting in the fourth rotation spot is 28-year-old Eralqua Megilwen. Megliwen was acquired in the off season trade that also sent the Merry Fellows Rafur Rockback. Megilwen went 11-13 last year with a 4.74 ERA. Old Forest is hoping to see an improvement in his ERA.
Finally, the fifth starter for the Merry Fellows is 27-year-old RotK hero Gromwakh the Masher. Last year, the Masher (who was acquired from Dagolord) went 9-13 (5-6 for the Merry Fellows) with a 4.37 ERA. However, he became an indespensible asset for the Merry Fellows once the post season began. He threw in 5 games for 16.2 innings worth of work, allowing only 2 earned runs in the process for a post season ERA of 1.08. The Masher also won the deciding Game Seven of the RotK Series while making an emergency start.
The Bullpen:
The area of greatest turnover between the 2009 and 2010 season is the bullpen. The Merry Fellows will be sporting four new faces here, comprising of more than half of their total changes. Gone is ace closer Wuurg Wolfwalker, a Merry Fellow since 2004. Also gone is Tathor Legàndil, a 39-year-old star reliever who retired after achieving his dream of winning a World Championship.
New to the team include 27-year-old Haleodriel Grilbo, the first former Bree Cheese to ever be traded to Old Forest. Grilbo is effectively wild - while lacking control, he makes up for it with pure stuff and movement. Also joining the team is 26-year-old Galulas Elvörà, an ex-Merry Fellow taken in the 17th round of the inaugural draft. Elvörà is perhaps the riskiest reliever on the team, having ERAs of 6, 6.23, and 5.93 in his last three minor league stops.
The Merry Fellows also added 27-year-old Kenton Ayo, acquired in a blockbuster trade with Dunharrow. Ayo has a career 3.48 ERA, along with 15 saves in the 2009 campaign. Ayo will be primarily used in the setup capacity along with the demonic force of nature known as Sauron the Evil, Jr. Sauron the Lesser was acquired from Dagolord during the 2009 campaign and posted a 3.93 ERA in his first season with the Merry Fellows. Sauron was also a clutch pitcher in the post season, accumulating a 1.80 ERA in 7 appearances.
Also new to the team is 28-year-old closer Boremir Boreagrin, acquired before the start of the season from Dead Marshes. Boreagrin has yet to prove himself in the Major Leagues, but he is already being trusted by team manager Kigush Eyeslobberer to close the ballgames.
Finally, returning to the Merry Fellows for perhaps his final season is strikeout legend Boriam Celebrin. Celebrin, 27, has been with the Merry Fellows since the Tolkien League's inaugural season. He struck out an absurd 414 batters in the 2005 campaign, but after a torn bicep during the 2006 season, Celebrin lost his strikeout ability and eventually, his job in the Merry Fellows rotation. Celebrin remains the career leader in strikeouts, although he should be eclipsed sometime in the next two years. After losing his job as a starter during the 2009 campaign, Celebrin still managed to win 11 games, marking the 4th time in his career that he has won in double digits. He will be used mostly as a spot starter and in long relief.
The Merry Fellows may win a second championship, or they may disappoint. Regardless, they are young and talented enough to compete for years to come. It may also be relevant to note this: the Merry Fellows will remain intact as they are for at least two seasons, and they should remain together for many years even beyond that.
October 09, 2005
Merry Fellows poised to defend crown
by Gilburdor Ethylanidel OLD FOREST - After a surprise post season run that resulted in an unexpected championship, the Old Forest Merry Fellows have become prepared to defend their title for the 2010 season through a variety of trades and...September 23, 2005
Gondolin Trades Rockback
GONDOLIN - In a move that shocked fans, the Griffons traded popular catcher, Rafur Rockback, to the Old Forest Merry Fellows today. Rockback, 31, is an icon for the league, and his departure left many Gondolin fans wondering about the...September 20, 2005
Merry Fellows crowned League Champs!
NUMENOR - It was a thrilling, 7-game series between the Old Forest Merry Fellows and the reigning champs, the Numenor Kings. In the end, the Merry Fellows had just enough gas in the tank (and enough surprises up their sleeves)...September 19, 2005
Old Forest is Shire Champ!
OLD FOREST - The wild card Merry Fellows became the Shire Conference champions for the first time when they defeated the Mirkwood Marauders in 7 games. In Game 1, Old Forest's original player, Rognash Kidneyslammer, laced a single to left,...September 18, 2005
Old Forest wins Fellowship Series
OLD FOREST - The Old Forest Merry Fellows are going to the Shire Conference championships for the first time in their history. They defeated the Lake Town Archers, 6-5, in 12 innings in Game 5 of their series to advance...September 15, 2005
Batter of the Month award winners announced
The Shire Conference Batter of the Month award goes to Relin Rockmaster, Old Forest's starting second baseman. He had an on base percentage of .455 and hit .353, while driving in 36 runs. His season numbers are: .283 AVG, 165...September 01, 2005
Weathertop's Goldfist named Batter of the Month
The Shire Conference's best player of the month was Old Forest's Gollauman Gandilhil, who wins the award for the 2nd time in his career. He hit .363 with 29 RBI and slugged .598 in 102 at bats. His season features...August 15, 2005
Red hot Gandilhil and Imrilron win Batter of the Month award
The Batter of the Month award in the Shire Conference goes to Old Forest's Gollauman Gandilhil this time, as the rightfielder displayed the best offensive perfomance in his league. Gandilhil helped his team with an average of .353 and 23...Gandilhil (OF) and Mulder (ROH) win P.O.W. award
The Player of the Week award in the Shire Conference goes to Old Forest's Gollauman Gandilhil this time, as the rightfielder displayed the best offensive perfomance in his league. He hit .464 with 8 RBI and slugged 1.000 in 28...August 08, 2005
Old Forest's Rockmaster wins Player of the Week award
Relin Rockmaster wins his 2nd Player of the Week award. Shire Conference pitchers couldn't figure out how to retire this guy all week long. Relin was on fire, hitting .542 with 1 HR and 5 RBI. He hit in every...July 30, 2005
Old Forest and Dol Guldur in big trade
OLD FOREST - Riding into the All-Star break with a lead in the Shire Conference Wild Card race, the Merry Fellows have been shopping around several players, including staff ace Faraborn Elrum recently. Today they struck a deal with Dol..."Cougar" Elrum, 30, is a 2-time All-Star and won the Gwaihir Reliever Award 2 years in a row (2006-2007). He is 4th in career saves with 194. He was Dol Guldur's 2nd pick in 2003 and was traded to Old Forest in 2005 in another deal that involved Gandihil. The Merry Fellows converted him into a starter this season, and in 17 games he is 5-6 with a 3.42 ERA.
Eowil-Galad, 31, is a superstar slugger and the holder of the record for most HR in a season (61 in 2008). He was traded from Dagorlad to Old Forest just a couple of weeks ago and has been struggling at the plate. Currently, he is hitting .204 with 12 HR and 44 RBI.
"Smokey" Loamsdown, 23, was Old Forest's 1st pick in 2004. The young lefthander has yet to show off the potential of his blazing fastball, going 8-21 in 45 starts over 4 seasons before being sent to the bullpen this year.
Silverbiter, 20, was this year's 1st round draft choice for the Merry Fellows. A strong pull hitter, he was hitting .308 with 17 HR and 48 RBI for the AA Mount Doom Merrymen.
Gandihil, 26, was Old Forest's 3rd pick in 2004 and was traded to Dol Guldur in April of 2005. After a couple of solid if unspectacular seasons, he has burst forth as one of the league's premiere hitters with a .346 batting average.
Cheeseslicer, 27, knocked around the Dragons' farm system for 5 seasons before getting a chance to start for the big club in 2008. He went 12-19 with a 3.70 ERA in 36 starts. This year, he is 5-8 with a 3.17 ERA.
Snowlegs, 27, was Dol Guldur's 1st pick in 2005. He entered the starting rotation in 2006, meeting with little success. His record after 3 years was 16-42. This year, however, he has blossomed, going 7-6 with a 2.70 ERA.
July 25, 2005
Rockmaster traded to Old Forest
DUNHARROW - Second baseman, Relin Rockmaster, was sent to the Old Forest Merry Fellows for veteran outfielder, Higor Elfdrinker, and a pair of minor leaguers after contract talks with the young infielder came to a halt. Rockmaster, 25, whose contract...July 21, 2005
Disaster Trade Eowil-Galad
DAGORLAD - The Dagorlad Disaster have traded long-time slugging star, Gamilas Eowil-Galad to the Old Forest Merry Fellows. Gamilas, 31, holds the league record for most HR in a season with 61 in 2008. He is one of only 3...July 11, 2005
Boartooth and Serith win Player of the Week award
Cinquefoil Boartooth from Old Forest wins his 1st Player of the Week award for putting up the best numbers this week in the Shire Conference. Boartooth helped his team with an average of .435 and 11 RBI in 23 at...July 10, 2005
Uruk-hai deal Elfdrinker to Old Forest
DEAD MARSHES - The Uruk-hai have traded 2-time All-Star and Legolas outfielder, Higor Elfdrinker, to Old Forest. Elfdrinker, 34, is in the last year of his $11 million contract. He was the first player drafted by Dead Marshes in the...May 16, 2005
Hilin Goldarm shuts out Bucklebury on 2 hits
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's right-hander Hilin Goldarm is clearly one of the best pitchers in the game. Bucklebury found out the hard way, getting just 2 hits on September 12. Goldarm's 2nd shutout this season was a masterpiece, as...April 25, 2005
Ugbag Blacktooth stars with cycle against Minas Tirith
OLD FOREST - Old Forest's catcher Ugbag Blacktooth once again displayed his tremendous ability to make contact with that little white ball. He tore up Minas Tirith's pitching staff with a 4 hit performance on August 5. A pitch from...April 21, 2005
Elrum, Merry Fellows Reach Agreement
OLD FOREST - After heavy negotiations, the Merry Fellows have come to terms with All-Star closer, Faraborn "Cougar" Elrum. At $30 million over 2 years, the deal will make him the highest paid relief pitcher in the league. Elrum, 29,...February 02, 2005
Shire HR Leader Calls It Quits
OLD FOREST - Power-hitting outfielder, Elrond "L-Train" Hubbard, has informed Merry Fellows management that he wants out of his contract. After leading the Shire Conference in homers with 48 last season, the 2006 Frodo Rookie award winner and All-Star has...December 16, 2004
Hops Make Blockbuster Deal with Old Forest
OLD FOREST - For the second time in his career, the league's premiere hitter, 5-time All-Star, Isilborn Imrilron, is packing his bags and moving to another team. The Merry Fellows agreed to terms with the Misty Mountain Hops just before...December 07, 2004
Moria-Old Forest make big pitcher swap
OLD FOREST - The Merry Fellows announced the re-acquisition of strikeout artist, Ligor Fistslammer, in a 3-for-3 deal that sends relievers Bamli Anvildelver, Soseen Isadriel and Suukak Nosecrawler to Moria in exchange for Fistslammer, Virgil Proudstaff and Tathor Legàndil. The...Fistslammer, 33, has bounced around a lot in his short career in the league. Signed as the 1st pick of the Dagorlad Disaster, he was on fire in 2003, throwing a no-hitter and striking out 242 batters before an elbow injury in July cut his season short. The next season, he set the Mordor Conference record for strikeouts with 308, and signed a $45 million deal with Old Forest to start 2005. But while his strikeouts kept piling up, so did his walks. He was never a consistent winner with the Merry Fellows and was traded to Moria at the start of 2007. He returns to Old Forest to try and help them keep up with Mirkwood in the Wild Card race.
Virgil "Stilletto" Proudstaff, was the host of the ill-conceived "Who Wants to Manage a Baseball Team?" game show at Bucklebury before being traded to Moria in May. After that, he had an abysmal June with the Miners, going 0-3 in 6 starts with a 9.10 ERA! He has already given up 23 HR in just 17 games this year.
Tathor Legàndil, 36, has been a workhorse for the Miners out of the bullpen. He pitched 104 games in 2005-2006, picking up 58 saves. This season, he is 3-2 with 11 saves and a 4.81 ERA.
For their part, Moria gets Bamli "Animal" Anvildelver (1-2, 4.28 in 29 games), Soseen "Red" Isadriel (5-5, 6.82 in 11 starts and 7 relief appearances), and Suukak "The Dunce" Nosecrawler. Nosecrawler, 30, was picked up by Old Forest in the off-season for $4.5 million per year for the next 3 years. He represented the Merry Fellows in this year's All-Star Game, having appeared in 21 games and earning a 1-1 record with a 1.72 ERA. Nosecrawler has only given up 1 HR all year.
November 06, 2004
Diary of Samsneed, The Alternate Ending
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times Yesterday the editors of the OFT published the final installment of Samsneed's journal. However it should be noted that soon after it was submitted, an alternate version also appeared in our mail, addressed...I headed toward it, and called out an ambiguous "hey, you!" The man stepped foward. He was wearing street clothes, but upon his head was a Moira cap.
"I been waitin' fer ya," he said coyly, looking up at the night sky with a sense of wonder. "Such pretty lights!" he said.
"I'm just killing time," I said as I threw back a slug of scotch. "DeepHelm said to look for you."
"It's about time," he replied. "Name's Hornblower. Ya answers ain't what ya tink dey are. Ya need to look for the Pusspekt."
"I have the suspects," I replied. "They'll be here soon."
"No! Dey ain't it! I mean, dey is, but dey ain't! You need to look for Pusspekt!"
"Yeah, whatever. Thanks for the info." I turned and left, headed back to the House of Grump. But before I got there, I caught a whiff of the sweet perfume of ancient dust, death, and decay. It smelled like Moria. Without turning around, I spoke.
"You here for the meeting, doll?" I asked.
"What else would I be here for, your good looks?" Brandelion, Queen of Lethargy replied.
"Your sarcasm is colder than my heart," I said, "but sarcasm isn't the only part of you that's cold."
"What does that mean?" she asked, her dewey eyes blinking at me in innocence.
"Come in and find out." I walked into Grump's abode, and before me were the two dozen team owners of the SGCBL, including commissioner Solonor Rasreth. Some looked tired, others looked distraught, even more looked scared - of Grump specifically, but a fair share were intentionally staying away from that psycho Bombadil, too.
"I'm glad you're all here," I said. "It's time to put this murder mystery to an end."
"So you caught the killers?" Brandelion said. I arched an eyebrow. "The killer, I mean!"
"Oh, I caught them alright, doll. Let's go down the series of unfortunate events, shall we?" I began pacing around the room, stopping only occasionally to take another swig of my whiskey. "It all began a dark, March evening when Beleg Orctrembler sat down for his evening ritual - cheese and wine. Bree cheese, to be exact." Everyone gasped.
"So it was Grump!" Minas Tirith owner Kapstar said.
"Not so fast!" I replied. "No, it wasn't Grump. But let's look at the facts, shall we? Orctrembler wasn't panning out, was he? No, he wasn't doing well at all. He'd only batted .257 his first time in the bigs, and you couldn't wait for him to develop, could you? But he was blocking the way, and you owed his old man money from gambling. So you killed him yourself, in cold blood, because with him gone you could concentrate on your new pet, Reaver Elfheim!"
"That's a freakin' lie!" Kapstar replied.
"Oh, it's a lie alright! A lie from your own, sinful mouth, you killer!" I replied. "But no, that was just the beginning! Next thing you know, Bombadil over here is announcing that his pet project, Aragornson, was found dead in the same way!"
"But I did find him that way, in the cold clear light of day!" Bombadil sang.
"No report was ever filed about his death!" I said. "And why would you have waited so long? No, Aragornson's not dead! He's just disappeared, playing in some bizarre league somewhere else, for all I know! But you saw an opportunity to cover the disgrace of his disappearance, and you took it!"
"That's a freakin' lie!" Bombadil said, with no merry left in his voice.
"But it didn't stop there," I continued. "Scott, owner of the Misty Mountain team wasn't a happy man! Oh no," I said. "His team wasn't playing up to par. But that wasn't all. The team manager, Smahsh Ehn'Bahsh had been having affairs not just with Scott's spouse but with those of all the players under his command! And it had to stop, didn't it Scott? It had to end, so you killed him! And then you put 'brie' cheese in his throat to make it look like Grump was responsible!"
"Nuh uh!" Scott replied angrily.
"But that wasn't enough for you psychos, either! Moria manager BranMorda died soon thereafter, again with bree cheese found in her mouth!"
"Grump killed her!" Brandelion sobbed. "He's an evil man!"
"If only!" I said angrily. "No, Grump didn't kill her! You hated BranMorda! She broke your team's spirit! She drove Dirk Pleasant crazier than an orc in a flowery field at noon! Then, she forced your friend and lover Xade into quitting the league via her evil, terrible form of intimidation!"
"He's not my lover!" Brandelion replied, looking angry.
"Oh, but he is! And BranMorda is your daughter! Grown to old age via magic, and twisted by evil in the process! You were scared and ashamed, so you used magic to turn a piece of bree cheese deadly! BranMorda choked and died!"
"But what about the cheese-engraved boot!?" Xade asked in protest.
"It was a sham! A mockery!" I said. "Sure, there was an imprint, if anyone bothered to look! And sure, Grump had a boot planted in his closet when he wasn't looking... but it was a fake! Bree cheese doesn't have air pockets! And why would Grump have a cheese emblem in his possession that wasn't Bree? He wouldn't! It would be like advertising for the enemy!"
"Aha!" Grump said. "I knew I didn't own any boots! I don't even use footwear!"
"That's a freakin' lie!" Xade and Brandelion said together at the same moment.
"But it didn't stop there, did it? DeepHelm was on to you! He knew that the guilt reached the upper echelons of the league, and he was a threat to Tolkien Baseball as we all know it! Not to mention everyone's hatred of Grump. He was right, you're all jealous of him! So, when DeepHelm was going to expose the true culprits you had him killed, too! But it wasn't just Kapstar, Rasreth, xade, or Bran, no it was an entire division of owners! It was Ejen, who sicced a warg on him! It was DeBuG, who shot him with an arrow! It was Xade, again, who drugged him with fairy dust!"
A chorus of "that's not true," "no I didn't," "I'll sue you for this," and others rang out from the accused.
"Grump killed him!" Scott said. "It was Bree!"
"You wish!" I said. "But you made a fatal mistake! You used brie cheese rather than bree cheese when you planted your false evidence!"
"...huh?" Xade said.
"Brie cheese is a soft farmhouse cheese made of unpasteurized cow's milk!" I said. "Bree cheese is an 'Old Shire' mild port wine cheese made of 90% pasturized cow's milk and 10% unpasturized goat's milk! You messed up! Used the wrong brand of cheese! Then, Dirk Pleasant was about to bring me up to date when he was killed!
"Now the question is, who orchestrated this conspiracy, and why?" I continued. "Obviously there's a lot of hate for Grump. But what would lead so many of you to act so homicidally? Why would you do it? The answer is Rasreth! He clearly orchestrated it all"
"That's a freakin' lie!" Rasreth spat at me.
"It's not! Only someone with your pull, your connections, could tie this all up so handily! Clearly, Mr. Rasreth, you are the one who started it! You even planted those boots in Grump's closet! And now, someone must account for the deaths!"
"Well," a strange voice said behind me, "not all the deaths!" Brandelion grew pale and Xade gasped fainted, while the rest of the owners in the room appeared shocked. But I wasn't shocked. I was too drunk to be shocked. And I recognized the voice immediately.
"Dirk Pleasant!" I said, without turning. "So, you're too crazy to die, eh?"
"And BranMorda," an icy woman's voice said. I turned and sure enough, Pleasant and BranMorda stood behind me, more alive than anyone had thought possible.
"Care to explain?" I asked.
"No." BranMorda replied.
"Sure!" Pleasant said, tittering crazily. "When BranMorda here drove me crazy, I wasn't just insane, I was also crazy in love! With BranMorda! And if anyone here knows anything, it's that you never start a land war in Eastern Mordor, and also, you can't kill someone with true love! As to who killed me..."
"I know, I know, it was the owners," I said. "It was Rasreth."
"Well... no..." Pleasant continued.
"No, we really didn't kill anyone," Ejen said.
"We're innocent!" Scott replied.
"Well... uhm... *cough* most of us are..." Brandelion said as Xade began to come to.
"Bran!" Solonor scolded. "You know better!"
"So, care to defend yourself as to your motives, doll?" I asked.
"I didn't want her dead--I just wanted her...out of the picture." Brandelion said, tears streaking down her cheeks. "I didn't know it would come to this, honest. it was Xade's idea. we were at a restaurant one night, eating canoli when i just started crying, and then it all came out, about how she beat me, and whipped me, and she took away my birthday, and she threatened Solly! she said she had plans, big plans, to take over the league, and that pesky brother of mine would be the first to go--i told all this to Xade, and then he, well, he...he was just trying to help me, you see? he told me not to worry; everything would be alright. i didn't know what he meant by it so i asked him, what do you mean by that? and he said, 'I'll take care of everything.' next week, i got a note from him asking me to meet him in Laketown by the brown canoe--he said to come alone, so i did. that's when he gave me the piece of...the piece of..." Brandelion sobbed, "...the piece of CHEESE!
"that's right--i got the cheese from Xade," she continued. "he enchanted it himself--he said to give it to her when no one else was around. he said no one would ever pin it back on me. he said everything would be fine! i didn't meant to kill her! i swear! i just thought it was going to knock her out, or make her happy, or, or..." then she began crying hysterically. Obviously this doll, with looks to kill, wasn't in her right mind. I thought to myself, time to call in the guys with butterfly nets!
"Bran," Solonor said. "When this is over, you're going to evil therapy!"
"You're all going," I replied. "To the slammer! One way or the other, I've got all the evidence I need. I've got confessions, I've got motives, and Grump is entirely innocent!"
"But they really didn't do it!" Dirk Pleasant responded. "It was the people from the shiny lights!"
"Sorry pal, I only know Common," I said. "I don't speak Crazy!"
Pleasant persisted. "Look, if you arrest the people you've named, the SGCBL will collapse! Think of the millions of people who will lose their greatest love in life, baseball!"
"You're talkin' to the wrong guy, buddy!" I replied. "I don't care if half the league's profits for the year went to crippled orphans suffering from a debilitating brain disease!"
"But wait," Solonor said. "I can't believe I'm suggesting this, but... what if half the leagus' profits for the year went to.... Samsneed the Ranger?"
"A bribe? You're going to bribe me? (Note I said 'going to,' not 'trying to')!"
"So it would work?" Bombadil asked.
"I only have two loves in this world," I replied. "Alcohol and money. Not necessarily in that order. In fact, money is my third middle name!"
"Do you even have a last name?" Brandelion asked.
"That's not the point," I said.
"Now we just need to find a patsy," Pleasant said. At that moment we looked outside and saw some crazy elf wandering around, shirtless, half painted in blue. I hate elves. You can't trust 'em! They're a bunch of tree hugging, trecherous bastards!
"Allow me," BranMorda said. She walked outside, more confident than a salesman in a room full of compulsive shoppers.
Five minutes later, we had our patsy.
***
So, now that that's been resolved, I'm just going to finish up this, the final entry of my journal. But it won't be the one I send in, oh no. This one gets thrown away, as soon as I finish it. No, I'm done with the sleuthing for a while. I think I might take me a long vacation in the Shire! And then maybe buy a baseball team.
So who really killed those players? Where did Aragornson disappear to? Who are the myserious "men of the lights?"
I don't care! I'm rich, bi-yatch!
The End
November 05, 2004
Diary of Samsneed, Part 7
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times This is part VII of the series of publications by detective Samsneed, heroic legendary amazingly awesome ranger of justice. In part VI, Samsneed promised a resolution to Middle Earth murders BREE - I...November 04, 2004
Diary of Samsneed, Part 6
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times This is part VI (of VII) of the ongoing series of publications by detective Samsneed, ranger at large. In part V the legendary detective came upon DeepHelm in his dying moment, revealing perhaps...I didn't bother knocking. I burst straight into his home. Grump was sitting in the living room, holding a slice of cheese in one hand, and a glass of wine in the other. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a movement, but by the time I turned all I caught was the rustling of a black curtain that separated the living room from what appeared to be a closet.
"Grump!" I shouted, "it's time to owe up, baby! I've got questions only you can answer!" To his credit he remained calm, seated in his chair. It's as though he knew I was coming.
"Ask away," he said.
"Did you know DeepHelm?" I asked, cutting to the chase.
"Uh, maybe," he said coyly. "Seen him around lately?"
"You know I haven't," I said. "You know he's dead!"
"...I did?"
"You did. And you better play it straight," I said. "But I'll tell you this - I don't think you're responsible for the murders! I think you're a scapegoat, and I want to know who would do this to you? Who would kill and then blame you?"
"I don't know, they hate me!" Grump snapped. "They all hate me! They can't stand my success! Jealousy! Pure jealousy! They can't match my success so they want to destroy me! ... Or it could be that I forgot to send them all birthday cards for the last four years. Maybe the guilty party is Solonor Rasreth, maybe Bombadil, I don't know!" he said. "Or maybe it was Pvt. Meanie, who won't talk to me about the murders! Or Aragornson! Is he really dead? Or BranMorda's butler!"
"Did BranMorda even have a butler?" I asked. "And what about Brandelion and Xade? Do you know more about them?"
"I've heard rumors that there was offspring... Terrible offspring..." Grump replied.
"And what about Rasreth," I asked. "How's your relationship with the Commissioner?" Grump stiffled, and without turning his head his eyes darted toward the black curtain.
"Solonor is great!," he said loudly. "A truly wonderful human being! A magnificent man! His presence is a gift to Middle Earth! His every word enlightens us all!" I arched an eyebrow, and Grump began to speak much more quietly. "He's the biggest freakin' jerk you'd ever have the misfortune of meeting! And NEVER mention 'mugwump' to him!"
I began to walk slowly toward the dark curtain. There was something going on, something Grump was hiding from me! I jumped in front of the curtain like a kid about to win hide-and-go-seek, ripped it open, and found none other than...
"Solonor Rasreth himself," I said. I'd expected to have to travel to Isenguard to find him, but there he was, hiding in the closet in the cold, hard flesh!
"I didn't do it!" he said, calmly.
"Then who did?" I asked.
"You've been publishing your diary in the Old Forest Times?" Rasreth asked.
"Every single week," I said, appreciatively patting my fattened wallet.
"Well," Rasreth continued, "right now, the Commissioner's Office is cooperating fully with law enforcement officials in Minas Tirith, Caradhras, Bree and - where possible - Moria. We prefer not to speculate during an ongoing investigation. I have no comment officially," he said. "However, given the methods used by the murderer or murderers, it would be foolish not to suspect someone with access to the Butterburr Cheese Factory. However, we do not wish to point any fingers."
"What about your sister and Xade? I bet you have no comment about that, huh?"
"I'd rather not comment on the affairs of my evil, errr, twin sister," he replied. "But I think I might have to put the Queen away somewhere for her own saftey!"
"And what about Grump over there? Surely you must have some thoughts on his guilt!" Grump sprang up from his chair and ran toward me, looking frightened.
"Don't let him fool you!" he said. "Rasreth should be suspected! But I think the REAL evil behind the murders is- Mrs. Rasreth!"
"Shut up!" Solonor said. But Grump continued.
"The Rasreth's would do it for simple pleasure! Abuse, torment, and torture! They live for it!" he said.
"So, your blaming your 'friend' Solonor, eh? I certainly wouldn't push it that far," I lied. "I doubt the Rasreths were involved. What do you think, Solonor?"
"Off the record, I believe that it's a conspiracy of the other owners! That jerk Grump is not the most likeable member of our community of team owners. It would be easy for someone who wanted to throw off suspicion to pin the blame on Grump! So stop blaming me for it, idiot!"
"Not so fast," I said. "I think it's more than just a couple of jealous owners! I think that there are several high ranking officials within the SGCBL who may be responsible for some of the murders. Do you know who they are? Do you know what their motive would be? Did you play a part in it? Tell me or I'll hurt you!" Rasreth remained calm.
"I think this interview is over," he said.
"This isn't an interview," I responded, throwing back a trademark slug of ale. "And there is no 'off the record!' I'm no journalist, I'm a private eye!"
"D'oh!" Rasreth exclaimed.
"No, I'll tell you what I think," I said. "I believe that Grump here may have had a hand it in after all! Why else would he be so quick to blame his friend here?"
"I'm just... just so stressed!" Grump replied. "It wasn't me, it was Aragornson, or BranMorda's butler!"
"Then what do you have to say about this!" I say, as I step into the closet and produce a pair of boots.
"Those are just boots," Grump replied.
"Boots, eh? When I talked to Queen Brandelion, she mentioned imprints of boots found next to the corpse of BranMorda! These boots, I believe!"
"They could be any boots," Grump said. "How can you pin something stupid like that on me?"
"It was the cheese, Grump," I said. "In the imprint of the boot was a square with holes. Cheese has holes, Grump. And if we overturn the boot, we'll find.... cheese."
And I was right. On the threaded rubber underside of the boot was a square imprint with holes at various points. The boots were a perfect match.
"But anyone could own boots like that! I'm not the only one with a vested interest in cheese, you know!" I laughed and pointed toward the impression on the back heel. It read These one-of-a-kind boots were made especially for Sgt. Grump. Grump flipped out like a fish thrust out of water onto the dry shore of reality!
"I'm innocent! Innocent!" he began shouting.
"Hey Solonor, it looks like there may be a new team opening pretty soon," I said. "Maybe two, judging on how things play out with your twin sister. And wherever she's gonna be put away, you may be accompanying her there, my friend" I said. "Here's what you're going to do. You're going to cooperate fully. You're going to call all the relevant owners who are a part of this mess, and they're going to meet me here in an hour. And then, we'll get to the bottom of this. I believe I know who's responsible!"
And with that I calmly stepped outside and left the House of Grump.
...to be concluded...
October 30, 2004
Diary of Samsneed, Part 5
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times This is part V (of VII) of the ongoing series of publications by detective Samsneed, ranger at large. In part IV, our heroic detective duped madman Dirk Pleasant into revealing telling information regarding...It was the last line that got to me. I read it, and again, until it dawned upon me. Of course! Who else could possibly know as much as DeepHelm?! And who else could he be, but Sgt. Grump?!!
I sprang forth and ran, quick as I could, to the alleyway near the bar. He'd be waiting for me there. It was early evening - I had slept throughout the entire day. I only hoped it wasn't too late.
It was dark in the alley, like a thick blanket thrown over a lantern. I was immediately overpowered by the aroma of cheese - dank, disgusting cheese! As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw a two-wheeled horse cart toppled over on the ground, but with no horse! There was, however, something large covered by a canvas in the cart! And whatever it was, it stank of cheese! It was the clear origin of the cheese in question!
Without pause - well, ok, I stopped to throw back a shot of vodka - I yanked off the canvas. There lay a large wheel of cheese. And not just any cheese, it was Brie Cheese! It was almost five feet in diameter and three feet thick. Next to it was a wooden bucket in the cart.
I crept cautiously toward the bucket. I'd seen my share of scary flicks, and it didn't take some brain scientist to know that something was going to jump out at me! Perhaps it would be the disembowed yet still living head of Dirk Pleasant! Or bugs - lots, and lots of bugs! But no, I discovered upon arrival that it was full of slightly-larger-than-bite-sized chunks of more brie cheese... then, behind the bucket, sticking out of the giant cheese wheel, I saw a foot! A bare, animal-like foot that was in more need of a pedicure than I was of alcohol counseling and therapy!
"YAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" I shrieked, and ran out of the alley. Upon regaining my senses, I took a deep breath and returned.
I began to circle around the cart, looking at the cheese wheel. After a few moments I came to a hand, sticking out of it! The hand was missing several fingers. I continue my circle around and then spot ... DeepHelm's giant helmet! I bent forth and after a few moments, I noticed the heavy, labored breathing from within. He was hurt, but still alive!
"Aha! And so we meet again, DeepHelm!" I shout. "Or should I call you ... Sgt. Grump!"
Like a priest in front of a stripper, I tore the cheese away as though it was articles of loose clothing, and pull of his helmet. Before me was the ugliest face I'd ever had the misfortune of seeing. It was like Thomar the Ugly had gotten into a fistfight with Domas the Big-Fisted and lost in a brutal, bloody way. It appeared to be an orc's face - or a dwarf's. (What? They all look the same to me!) Then I realized the truth - it must've been one of those half-breed "dworcs!" The face was misshapen and covered with scars. Even the scars had scars. The creature opened an eye, struggled to focus, and finally, struggling for breath, it gasped:
"con-spircy .... da sign .... proof .... under .... da giant .... 'C' ----"
"I don't know who you think you're fooling, punk!" I yelled. "I know you're Grump, and I know you did the murders with your own black digit-missing hand!"
Its body convulsed; its foot knocked the bucket off the cart, spilling the chunks of cheese on the ground. DeepHelm had stopped breathing. I knew then, that I was wrong. He wasn't Grump.
"No!" I yelled. "Not again!" I pounded the cheese-littered ground with my clenched fists, yelling "why God why?!"
I decided then to search the body. As I cleared the cheese from around DeepHelm's corpse, I discovered an arrow had penetrated his chest, and that his clothing had been torn by some kind of animal teeth! I decided to roll him over, and upon doing so I noticed something shimmering off his clothing. Upon inspection, it was revealed to be a sprinkling of... fairy dust!
One thing was for sure... it wasn't suicide. I knew then that I had to cut to the chase! Rasreth and Grump had to be confronted! One or the other knew DeepHelm, and one or the other had to be, in some way or another (why do I keep saying that?) responsible for the murder!
...to be continued...
October 29, 2004
Diary of Samsneed, Part 4
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times This is part IV of the ongoing series of publications by detective Samsneed, ranger at large. In part II, our legendary detective encountered DeepHelm himself in a dark alleyway of Bree, learning a..."Please, don't kill me!" I begged. "I have a wife! Two wives! And children! Lots of children!" I began to blubber, at which point Pleasant's aim strayed minutely to my right. I knew that was my chance, and after I'd finished emptying my bladder I began to convulse like a cheese addict suffering from withdrawal!
"...what...what's wrong with him?" Pleasant asked. Frankelm the bartender shrugged.
"Alcohol dependancy?" Frankhelm suggested. It was at that moment that I sprang forth, knocking Frankhelm out of my way as I dived behind the bar for saftey.
"You'll never shoot me from behind here," I yelled out. "The joke's on you, Pleasant!"
"I... I just wanted to talk," Pleasant replied.
"I don't know what you're trying to sell," I said, "but I'm not buying! No sir, it's return to sender from me, buddy!"
"About the case, about BranMorda!" Pleasant said, but I ignored his protests. He was insane, crazy like a loon driven insane by other loons who forced him out of their looney group of loons!
"She did things to me," he said, his voice wracked with emotion. "She hurt me! She was crazy and I would've killed her if they didn't get to her first!" I still wasn't buying, but I had to milk the information out of him if I could, so I swallowed my fear and decided to play mouse to his game of cat.
"They? Who's they? Did the Bree Killer have an accomplice?"
"You're missing the big picture," he said, his emotions swinging from wretched to angry. His voice tittered, and I wondered where the butterfly nets were. "There is no Bree Killer! It's really an entire UCK!" The crowd of barflies gasped, and after a few deep breaths I ventured my head above the counter.
Pleasant was standing in the middle of the room, his face purple. "An entire uck? What is uck," I asked. "Tell me!" I sprang over the counter and grabbed him by the collar. I began shaking him. "Don't play games with me," I yelled as his eyes rolled back into his head. That was when I realized he wasn't breathing! His body shivered once, and he toppled over. I opened his mouth, and inside I found... a single piece of cheese. Bree cheese, to be exact.
Later, the onlookers failed to give a solid description of what had happened. One moment he had been ranting and raving, the next moment there was a breeze, a rustle of some kind, and his face began turning purple.
Who killed him? And why wasn't I able to stop it? Was I losing my edge? While I contemplated all this, I changed into a spare outfit - I always carried one in case of situations like these - and began a night of intense drinking. I sat stoically at the bar, throwing back shot, after shot, after shot. Before long I had passed out in my stool.
When I woke in the morning, there was a newspaper before me. An ad was circled. It was DeepHelm! He wanted to meet me again! And what's more, there was a long note, written in short hand, in the ancient languages of kings ... the language I had grown up learning, writing, and speaking! If only I could still read it!
I concentrated, threw back a shot of rum, and worked my way through the note. What I found was shocking indeed!
to be continued...
October 27, 2004
Diary of Samsneed, Part 3
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times This is part III of the ongoing series of publications by detective Samsneed, ranger at large. In part II, the plot thickened as Samsneed learned that the Moria Murderer had cheese-imprinted boots, and..."What do you know about the murders!" I asked, shaking my clenched fist before his face for emphasis. I meant business!
"Dey wuz deadly," DeepHelm responded.
"What does that mean?" I yelled.
"It means dey wuz deadly!" he yelled back. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Thugs like DeepHelm were a dime two dozen here in Bree. Heck, if you threw an apple out your window it would hit two thugs and a block of cheese before it hit the ground. I had to get rough.
"Tell me something, you little fairy fodder, have you ever had your fingers broken before?"
"A whole buncha times," he responded slyly. "I usta have twelve anna half of dem, but you can see I only have seven anna haff now. Why would you ask dat?" His innocent response gave me pause, but only for long enough to realize that I had a flask of schnapps in my coat pocket. I needed to get back on my game, and fast, or lives were in danger. I whipped out the flask and threw back a shot, and while the sweet, searing schnapps burned past my charred, broken heart, I got back on track.
"Because if you don't tell me what I want to know, I'm going to break them in half. Again." The little fella jumped out of fear or revulsion, or maybe a twisted combination of both. I knew I had to press the attack quickly. "You think you know things, huh? Well, tell me something short-round, what do Brandelion and Xade have in common, eh? Tell me that!"
"Ok!" he responded. "Dey are both failed wizards. Dey wents ta wizard shool t'gether, and had good grades, but then some sorta incident happened. I don' know 'xactly wat all da details was, but it involved some goats, an oliphaunt, a dozen giant hobbits (carney types, ya know), an' a magical sex toy. Dere famblys were shamed for 3 generations. Da whole t'ing was covered up by someone way up in power. I'm afraid ta inquire more into it."
Very interesting. So they knew each other early on, eh? This had to mean something. BranMorda, manager of Brandelion's Moira Miners, had somehow scared Xade into quitting the league! Maybe there was more to that than meets-the-eye!
"Power, eh? What do you know about power, you foul smelling little punk! You wanna talk about power? Tell me about Solonor Rasreth!" I was trying hard to intimidate him into the truth, but strangely enough he got a wistful look on his face, like a baby in a bikini fitting room.
"Solonor Rasreth...now dat is one odd bird," he said. "I don't t'ink 'e knows 'nuff ta come in outta da rain. Once I sees him standin' in a big pool o' mud, upta his knees, he was. He had dis fishin' pole- and was castin' it onto da dry land. Den he'd reel it in an' cast agin. I watched him fer almos' an hour. Just kept doin' it- over an' over. I finally asked him wat he was doin'. He looked at me and said 'Mugwump'. An' then he went back to castin' and ignored me after dat."
So he knows Rasreth! I stored that nugget of information away, like an orc would store his love for his mother in a deep, dark, secret place that no one knew existed, not even the orc in question! ...do orcs even have mothers?
"You're all talk, buddy!" I said roughly, refocusing "All you have is speculation! Tell me what you really know!"
"Hey, hey! I knows t'ings. I have access to beings in high places. An' low places. An' places in da middle. An' places in between da high places and da middle places. An' places in between low places and da middle places. An' places in between da places in between da low places and da middle-to-low places. An'- ... An'... I'm confoosed. Wat was da question agin?"
"I...I'm not sure myself," I said honestly. He was more confusing than an algebra question, and twice as hard to understand. "And Sgt. Grump? What do you know about Sgt. Grump?"
"Who?" he asked. "Never heard of 'im. Seriously. I know nuttin' 'bout no grumpy guy. Who said I did? Dey was lyin'! Nice weather, huh? Oh- lookit dat pretty rat!"
There was definitely a rat, alright! And I have to say, it was freaking huge! It was twice as big as the average Bree dog, and it was scavaging through the alleyway trash as desperately as a drunk tipping the bottle for his last sip of... his last sip of...
I lost all concentration then, and threw back another drink of schnapps. When I regained my concentration I saw that DeepHelm was slowly edging away from me. I grabbed him by the shoulder like a cliff diver would grab on to the last rock hold available before he took the final plunge!
"Not so fast, I have a few more questions. I heard through the grapevine something you said about missing players. Not dead, just missing. What did you mean by that?"
"Go lookit da league's list of free agents. Sort dem by age. All da players 'cept one under da age of 25 have disappeared. Somebody's been kidnappin' 'em I tells ya! Probably sellin' 'em into slavery. Or maybe makin' stew outta dem. Dat remind me- I'm hungry. Gotta go!"
And before I could say "My dear, it would seem as though I have spilled my flask all over the harsh concrete of this dark allyway, oh what ever shall I do," he had skittered off into the dark like a Dwarf fleeing daylight. I drew my arrow and fired a shot, but it was hopeless, and I missed him by a wider margin than Mirkwood's projected 2006 win-loss record compared to Mirkwood's real win-loss record!
Things were getting complicated, but I had learned at least a few things since I started the case. First, Xade and Brandelion had a link. Second, Solonor Rasreth knows who DeepHelm is. Third, DeepHelm pretends not to know who Sgt. Grump is! And fourth... fourth...
I needed a drink like a SGCBL player needs a bodyguard, and I went to the Beer and Boar for a quick round of Samsneed Specials. I didn't notice at that moment, but had I only paid a bit closer attention, I would've seen the day's paper, and its' headlines, which were shouting out at me louder than a Dwarf Rock Concert for the hard-of-hearing. They read:
Bywater Bans Dairy!
Riots Ensue after Moira Mixup
Hops Ownership Refuses to Name New Manager
Dirk Pleasant Escapes from Asylum
I was so desperate for a hard drink that I didn't even notice at first the utter silence that greeted me upon entering the bar. I walked up to the bartender, as ignorant as a religious fanatic at an atheism conference.
"I'll take a scotch on the rocks, hold the rocks," I told him. He mouthed a response that looked like he said look atmay. "What?" I asked. He mouthed it again. Then, I heard the voice behind me. The voice was as crazy as the theory of relativity, and that's saying something!
"I think he's trying to warn you about me," he said.
I turned around. And standing before me, weapons drawn, was Dirk Pleasant, insane assistant GM of the Old Forest Merry Fellows!
Things were getting hot in the Cheese City.
Imrilron earns new nickname
by Kandabur Mauerer OLD FOREST - Merry Fellows team captain and star left fielder, Isilborn Imrilron, has been given a new nickname after anihilating the Bree Cheese in a recent series in Old Forest. The Merry Fellows went 3-1...One journalist pointed out to Imrilion that due to the recent string of killings by the Bree Cheese Strangler, he may be targeted for his good play against the team. At that point, Imrilion appeared nervous and hastily ended the interview.
"I uh, I'm uh, not worried about that... I uh, have to go."
Rumor out of the Old Forest camp suggests that Imrilion may use part of his hefty 20 million-a-year salary to hire extra protection for the duration of his new nickname.
Legithraviel Responds to Nickname Bandits
Fans during the 2006 campaign remember Tavus Legithraviel for his stretches of dominant play. During the course of the year, the ace pitcher went 18-11 while striking out 204 in 234.2 innings pitched. Fans had nicknamed him "The Reason," and expectations were high for a playoff appearance. Then, the Merry Fellows clinched the Wild Card and were soon knocked out by Mirkwood in only five games, and it seemed as though "The Reason" had more than one meaning, as Legithraviel's poor performance was directly the reason for the Merry Fellows defeat. In two games started, Legithraviel went 0-2 with a 17.47 ERA in only 5.2 innings thrown. "I just didn't have it," Legithraviel said after the second crushing defeat. "I'm sorry. I choked." The nickname stuck, and soon thereafter members of the Old Forest fanatical were calling him "Choker." Five starts into the '07 campaign, Legithraviel no longer appreciates the nickname. "Ok, so I screwed up. Mirkwood was my daddy. But I pitched well against them this year, and I think I should be given a different nickname. It's annoying!"
Legithraviel is so frustrated by the boos and cat-calls that have greeted him this season that he has considered demanding a trade. "I want to play here my whole career, but can't they just lay off for a while? I'm 3-1! I have a good ERA! Seriously, what do I have to do?"
This journalist would suggest that a solution is simple. Next time, don't choke.
October 22, 2004
Diary of Samsneed, Part 2
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times This is part II of the ongoing series of publications by detective Samsneed, ranger at large. In part I, Samsneed took on a job investigating the ongoing murder scandal of SGCBL players and..."You gotta pull yourself together," I said, sitting down on my desk. "I'll help ya, but I need the facts, and I don't mean the popular opinion, I mean the facts of the case! Why don't you tell me what happened, doll."
Brandelion had already composed herself by the time I got through my speil, although that rosey-red flush was still as gone as a deadbeat dad who owes child support.
"I hired BranMorda to run my team," she said. "She was really able to get the players behind her, even the unruly ones."
"Was she good," I asked.
"I would dare say she would've led us to the pennant! Then two days ago she was found dead in Balin's tomb." She began sobbing again. "Our team is heartbroken and we don't know who did it! All I know is she was found with Bree cheese lodged in her throat!"
Cheese. Back to the cheese. Yeah, I had read about the death. I have to admit, I found the whole situation about as interesting as an orc performing a river dance, which is to say that I had more than my share of notes. And something smelled fishy, like a troll with a bathing phobia. Something wasn't right. I wasn't getting the whole truth.
"Tell me something, sweetheart," I said as I threw back a shot of vodka. "Is that really all you have for me? Did you see anyone suspisious in the area? Any strange noises?"
"They found a foot imprint outside the tomb," she replied, composed again. "It doesn't match that of anyone in Moira." I sat forward.
"Describe it!" I said, standing up. I was immediately hit by a wave of intoxicated dizziness and sat back down, but Bran didn't seem to notice my momentary slip.
"It has a strange logo on the bottom, sort of a square with holes drawn in it. Must be a certain brand of shoe that I'm not aware of."
A logo? A square with holes? Wait a second! Cheese!
"And Deephelm, he said something about a conspiracy between owners... involving Old Forest, Bywater, Mo-er, and uh, Misty Mountain." She didn't think I caught her little slip, but I'm like a 500 pound goalie in orc-hide, nothing gets past me. And who the heck is DeepHelm? Why do I keep hearing that name? The alarms it set off in my head couldn't have been louder if someone had just tried to bust into ... well, Helm's Deep! I had to find DeepHelm!
"You know where I can find him, sweethart?"
"No, I'm sorry. He just appears and disappears, as if out of the shadows..."
The shadows. It was a good start. I took a shot of Irish Cream.
"Keep in touch with me, dame. I'll get back to ya."
We left my office and I began to drunkenly roam the streets. I lit a cigarette and thought some more. There was too much swirling around in my mind, like a tornado in a china-shop. And it was all bad news. "Bad News" was my other middle name. A cheese-logoed bootprint. A murderous owner. Was he filled with rage, perhaps, because his team is about as good in the playoffs as a blind man in a shooting range? Because they play baseball like a boxer gifted with a crushing right hook but burdened with a glass jaw? And what was up with Bran? She was some broad, I'll give her that, but she's hiding something. I wonder if she's an elf?
It all took me back to The Case. Intrigue, mystery, a rising body-count, and a dame to kill for. My broken heart shuddered a little, and I moved on. Bree is a dangerous place at night, but not to a guy like me. I live for the darkness, for the thrill. A place like Bree is a pouder keg ready to go off, and I was the match, baby.
After about an hour, I began to sober up a little and headed for a bar. That was when I spotted the shadow, moving away from me in the alleyway. He was short, and he was running fast. I took off after him, bow drawn, arrow unquiverred. He moved well for a little guy, but no one knows the streets of Bree like I do. Well, except for Aragorn. And Demathorn. And uh, most of the rangers, but I had him this time! He cut left while I hopped a fence, and before you could say "ungodly morning hangover" I had him in a dead alley!
"No!" he shouted. "Dat ain't how it's s'posed to go!"
"Let me guess, I said slyly. "DeepHelm himself." I shoved him harshly against the wall. "You may not have good English skills, my little compadre, but you better talk, and you better make it fast because I think I'm sobering up!"
Would he talk? Would I get my answers? Would he turn on me and kill me dead as a doornail right there in that hidden alley in Bree?* Find out in the next chapter!
*I hope not, because if so, who the hell is writing this!?
October 21, 2004
From the diary of Samsneed: Ranger Investigator
By Moleare Kragnar Old Forest Times Note to readers: In the light of recent events involving the notorious murders of various players and managers of the SGCBL, certain parties of interest have chosen to hire a private detective to...My name is Samsneed, son of Sherlock. I'm a Ranger. Rhymes with "danger." Which happens to be my middle name. On any given night I have three slugs in me - one bourbon, one scotch, and one a sleek arrow head lodged an inch away from my shallow, broken heart. Apparently there had been some killings lately, and all with one thing in common... cheese. Brie cheese. Too mild for my taste, but apparently sharp enough to pierce the shallow facade of civilization in a way that left our baseball stars dead and their fans with unanswered questions.
Who would want baseball players dead? Who would be nefarious enough to do the deed? Suddenly I had a revelation. An elf! Always an elf. Untrusworthy tree-hugging bastards! No, give me an orc any day - at least with an orc you know where you stand!
I had the assignment but I didn't really know where to start. There were too many questions, and not enough answers. I threw back another slug of bourbon and reviewed the facts as I knew them. Beleg Orctrembler had been a star for the Minas Tirith Titans. The kid was young, but he had a lot of potential - all snuffed out one morning when he was found dead. There were no distinguishable marks on his body. No knife or arrow wounds, not even a love mark! All they found was a single piece of brie cheese.
Then, less than a week later, that stiff Bombadil announced a cover up a year old. Eldarian Aragornson, son of the king himself, had died under mysterious conditions. No marks. No wounds. Only cheese - brie cheese - lodged in his mouth like a hungry rat in a pickle jar.
But then it gets worse. Not only are players getting targeted, but managers, too! BranMorda, manager of the Moira Miners was soon found dead in the same fashion as Aragornson!
Who could want these players dead? And why two players from the Elf Division? (Elf Division? Maybe they had it coming!) Obviously Sgt. Grump, owner of the Bree Cheese - and most hated man in all of middle earth! - is a suspect. But what about Solonor Rasreth? My nose doesn't lie and something about that man stinks worse than... well... stinks worse than moldly cheese. Of course, I'd been here before. I practically lived there, in fact, and my gut told me that it was never the one you suspect the most. In fact, it was always the one you suspect the least who is responsible! An orc, maybe?
I was weighing the options of the first suspect to interrogat-er, to interview when I heard rustling in the hallway. I looked to the door. At that exact moment, I saw the curvy outline of a dame filling my window like sunlight fills the opening of a cavern. She opened the door without knocking, and I sprang to my feet!
"Calm down, Ranger," she said sardonically. "If you were packing heat someone could've died." She was a classic doll. Blond, a flush of red in her cheeks, and legs that just didn't know when to quit. I would've called it love at first sight had my crippled, blackened heart still been capable of feeling anything but the heartburn that accompanies dinner at the ol' Beer and Boar Saloon.
"I am packing heat," I replied. "The heat of straight whiskey." I threw back another slug. "Care for a sip?"
"Not tonight," she said. "I'm here to offer you an assignment."
"Your luck couldn't be worse if you were sleeping in a cave next to a hungry ogre, doll. I'm already on an assignment."
Then, her eyes welled up, and the flush couldn't have escaped her quicker if it owed someone money and had to leave town. Like the crack of a bat she went from cool and in control to total meltdown. My empty, barely beating heart almost gave a damn.
"But you must help me!" she said. "I need you to investigate a murder!"
"Get in line, sweetheart, my plate is as full as a mouth full of cheese."
"That's exactly it," she replied. "It's my manager. She died of a mouth full of brie cheese!" The warning lights went off in my mind.
"Say, you're not talking about BranMorda, are you?" I asked.
"Yes," she pleaded, "and I must hire you to help find the murderer! Other lives may be in danger!"
And there it was... Brandelion, owner of Moira, was standing before me. It looks like things were gonna get a lot more interesting in Middle Earth...
...to be continued....
October 18, 2004
Bombadil Steps Down From Managerial Post
By Moleare Kragnar OLD FOREST - Tom Bombadil has single-handedly crafted the Merry Fellows into contenders in the Shire Conference, and after four years as the team's owner, general manager, and manager, Bombadil has decided to step down from..."It's certainly an honor," Eyeslobberer said during the press conference. "Well, to be honest I still want to play, but I know that my abilities have declined. I'm looking forward to remaining on in this capacity."
Eyeslobberer, known as "Kig-Gob" by the fans and "Cap" by his fellow players, was one of the original Merry Fellows. He was chosen in the 21st round of the inaugural draft. In 404 games in the major leagues, Eyeslobberer has a career .277 batting average while hitting 35 homeruns and driving in 150 RBI. His best season came in 2005, in which he batted .305 while hitting 14 homeruns and driving in 56 RBI in only 347 at bats.
"That was a great year. I truly wish we'd made the post season, because big things would've happened - I know it," Eyeslobberer said.
He was rewarded with a two year, two million dollar contract. However, he hasn't played up to par since then, batting only .213 last season. Due to the team's pressing need for a talented backup middle infielder, Bombadil chose to both release him and promote him at the same time.
This is not the first managerial post held by Eyeslobberer. Before the Tolkien League formed, he was the owner and manager of the Mudhole Muckmakers of the Misty Mountain Association (MMA). In nine years as the star player and manager, Eyeslobberer batted .332 with 268 homeruns, 984 RBI, and 177 steals while leading the Muckmakers to seven winning seasons and three league titles.
Ultimately, Eyeslobberer is happy to remain with the team, and hopes to coach there for years to come. "This is a dream come true," he said. "I just hope we win!"
Assistant GM Dirk Pleasant Commited
One month after a visit to Moria, Merry Fellows Assistant General Manager Dirk Pleasant has been committed to the Shire Asylum of the Loons. Old Forest owner and GM Tom Bombadil has refused to comment on the cause, but there is heavy speculation that Pleasant may have had a traumatic experience while in Moria. Sources inside the asylum say that he keeps talking about "BranMorda," and refuses to say anything else.
October 16, 2004
Bombadil lays bombshell that bastes Bree Cheese
By Alavar the Aliteration-happy OLD FOREST - In light of the recent allegations against the allegedly homicidal Bree Cheese, Tom Bombadil has come forward with additional information that may damn Cheese owner Sgt. Grump even further. "I wouldn't acuse...October 06, 2004
Old Forest Makes Big Trades
by Hagkar Haracias OLD FOREST - A 93-69 record and a first-ever playoff appearance may satisfy many teams, but Tom Bombadil won't rest until he wins a pennant. It came to no one's surprise when he took the first...The Merry Fellows traded Myrtai Elvywyn to Minas Morgul for reliever Tagnash Nosehammer and outfielders Vorthor Tinarawen and Thuror Nündel. Elvywyn slugged 36 homeruns last year, but is rumored to have caused problems in the clubhouse. Unnamed sources claim that Elvywyn allegedly instigated several fights with Old Forest players while also ruthlessly hitting on their wives and girlfriends. He could not be reached for comment. Nündel begins his second term with Old Forest. He was the starting center fielder in the team's inaugural season, leading the league in triples. His sophomore season was a disappointment, and he was released before the 2005 season. Nündel was excited to return. "My first time here, they weren't very big winners," he said. "Since they dealt me, they turned it around. I'm looking forward to contributing in whatever way Mr. Bombadil decries."
The Merry Fellows also traded fan favorite pitcher Ligor "Joker" Fistslammer and star second baseman Sorthor Guviel to the Moira Miners for young second baseman Petunia "Pet" Gamgee. Fistslammer won 12 games last year while striking out 286 batters, but was due to make 15 million in 2007, which Old Forest needed to clear to make moves on free agents. Manager Bombadil made the following statement about the trade:
"Oh the great lady Bran is wonderful indeed,
Her baseball mind is even greater than believed,
I have to give her credit for the trade you see,
'for it pained her to give up Petula Gamgee!"
Along with the 21 year-old Gamgee, the Merry Fellows plan on promoting 24-year-old first baseman Cinquefoil Boartooth, the first ever Ferisher to play in the major leagues. Boartooth, a homerun king in his native realm, will anchor an Old Forest infield that also consists of 24-year-old shortstop Rognash Kidneyslammer, 22-year-old third baseman Gamaithor Elylith, and 22-year-old catcher Bombur "The Bomber" Granitebrow. Moira's new owner Bran showed some sadness over dealing Gamgee to the Merry Fellows. "I've spoken with the team, and they wanted me to tell the fans that 'Pet' Gamgee has been a real treat to play with, these last years," said Bran. "Though we are sad to see her go, we know that her career has limitless potential in the fields of Old Forest."
All told, the Merry Fellows saved about 23 million dollars, which Bombadil plans on using to lure in additional free agents during the off season. It's still early into the off season schedule, and Bombadil has just begun improving his team.
September 30, 2004
Bombadil pitches ad scheme
By Gagred the Phat OLD FOREST - A frumpled-looking Tom Bombadil announced to the press today his intentions to purchase Moira's available advertisement space. "I haven't been sleeping well. The stress of the off-season can be hell. Nothing is...Bombadil then revealed the advertisement he hopes Moria will carry. It read, "Go Cubs, 2004 is THE year!"
"Who these Cubs are I do not know. But with our blessing, into bears they will grow. Bless them now while there's still time. Help me regain my sense of rhyme!"
To pay for the advertisement, Bombadil is willing to allow Moira to advertise for free in Shire Greens Field, home of the Merry Fellows. Also, Bombadil will officially recognize Moira's new owner as the single greatest woman in Tolkien history, and will compose a song about her unparallelled in its beauty and worth.
A spokesperson for the Moria Miners announced that Tom Bombadil’s offers are under consideration. Otho Sackville-Baggins, of Sackville Baggins & Sons Realty, had this to say:
"While we are pleased to have received an offer on the property so soon after listing, we felt it only fair to announce the pricing schedule to the entire league. We also took this time to consult with the reigning Queen of Lethargy and owner of the Moria Miners concerning her demands for the space."
Bran spoke candidly about her goals for the ad space. "I have chosen to list a set of demands for the space, rather than going with a traditional cash trade. I know what I want, and I want all that I can get. Competitive team owners are invited to make offers in addition to the demands I have set forth; and, it should be known, I am not above making a thieves bargain." The ad space will feature a billboard-like rotation. Blocks of time will be granted at the following prices:
1 week: an ode in honor of Bran, posted on forums
3 weeks: an ode in honor of Bran, posted on forums, plus free advertising for the Moria Miners at your clubhouse, (equivalent to one week's run)
Entire 2007 Season: an ode in honor of Bran, plus your collaboration on any taunting and pranking of Sgt. Grump for the length of the season. Absolute confidence and secrecy is required—the buyer must sign an oath in blood.
"Any offers that can top what I've set forth will be entertained," said Bran. "Any parties with a ready set of ideas for exploiting Grump will be seriously considered."
Sgt. Grump remained unavailable for comment.
August 09, 2004
Transdimensional Shift in Recruiting
By Kurmazh the Atrocious ROHAN - In recent news with the opening of the SGCBL on a transdimensional scale, rumors abound that Rohan Management has been involved in talks with an organization known as House Atreides in the interest...August 07, 2004
Summerland Invasion
OLD FOREST - Merry Fellows team officials announced today the acquisition of several minor leaguers that could drastically alter the landscape of the SGCBL. Players from the realm of Summerland have shown up in the Old Forest minors, introducing...July 31, 2004
Imrilron Sent to Old Forest!
WILDERLAND - In the middle of his best season ever, Isilborn Imrilron has been traded to the Old Forest Merry Fellows. Wilderland, feeling pressure from their burdensome payroll, decided to deal Imrilron and his $20 million contract in order...June 07, 2004
Celebrin gets 1,000th K
BYWATER - Boriam "The White Wizard" Celebrin, the Old Forest strikeout king, hit another milestone on April 18 when he fanned his 1,000th batter, becoming the first player in league history to reach that goal. He came into the...April 27, 2004
Bombadil Out for Blood
by Calimir the Stenchy OLD FOREST - Merry Fellows manager Tom Bombadil may be well known for his joyful disposition, but things have changed in recent weeks with the Merry Fellows. Bombadil's bombers have improved from their 69-93 record..."Opponents like those are tough to face,
Losing to them causes difficulties in life,
That's why during this post season race,
I've decided to pull out my favorite butcher knife."
Restraining orders have been issued against Bombadil in both Carrock and Rivendell, but Bombadil is expected to manage during those games, even if he is allegedly homocidal. "I uh, don't think skip will kill anyone, REALLY," ace pitcher Borium Celebrin said. "I mean, maybe if we start losing, but nah."
Celebrin Strikes Out 400+
Six years ago in the amateur Orcish Baseball Association (OBA), a young Ligor "Joker" Fistslammer set the amateur Middle Earth baseball record for strike outs in a season with 383. Many thought that the record would never be surpassed, especially when the amateur leagues combined to form the Tolkein Baseball League and the playing level drastically improved. However they were all wrong, as Borium Celebrin has far surpassed the amateur record, striking out 406 with still one outing to go on the season. "I see part of my job as striking out 300 in a season," Celebrin said. "After that, it's just vanity. I guess I'm a vain person."
Celebrin accomplished his feat in 245.2 innings this year. Pundits speculate he will never again achieve such a number, although he is still only 23 years old. "Celebrin has thrown a lot of innings in his young career," pitching expert Dragar the Horrid said. "He might blow out his arm, or perhaps the Merry Fellows will permanently go to a 5 man rotation, but he'll probably never see 250 innings again, so I suspect his record will be safe, even from himself."
Ultimately Celebrin feels that his mark is worthless should the Merry Fellows fail to reach the post season. "I might have struck out a lot, but after winning 17 last year, I expected more of myself," Celebrin said. "If I had a better year, I think we'd already have clinched, so should we fail I blame no one but myself."
March 15, 2004
Old Forest Gets Bonemangler
GONDOR - Immediately after his performance in the All-Star Game, Condor ace Dolok "Boss" Bonemangler has been sent to Old Forest in a deal that could give the Merry Fellows the extra push they need in their playoff run....January 14, 2004
Orcmaker Makes It Big
By Gormadoc Bracegirdle Old Forest Gazette ISENGARD - After a long career of struggles, reliever Meli Orcmaker, 33, has finally found prosperity, inking a 3 year 36 million dollar deal with Isengard. "I'm just... I'm just overjoyed," Orcmaker said,...He began his long and distinguished career at the age of 16 in the Misty Mountain Association (MMA), a low-level independant league in the shadows of The Misty Mountains - then a haven for orcs such as himslf. While one of the youngest players in the league, Orcmaker immediately made an impression. "I remember him," said former MMA player Timbur Dwarfslayer, 47. "He was a scrawny little punk back then, malnourished like many of us. But he had one hell of a breaking pitch."
In his rookie season Orcmaker was a starter, pitching in 22 games. He went 17-2 with a 1.77 ERA and struck out 203 batters. Orcmaker didn't stay in the MMA for long - his talent was so great that teams from the nearby Dwarven Baseball Affiliation League (DBAL) began scouting, which at the time was unheard of. "I thought I'd really made it big when they offered to pay me $20,000 a year just to play baseball," Orcmaker said.
By the time he was 19 years old, he'd taken the responsibility of dozens of his younger brothers while pitching in the DBAL. But it wasn't long before Orcmaker's first tragedy struck - a potentially career-ending arm injury in the middle of his second season with the Deep-Cave Dwellers. He'd started 17 games that year, going a phenominal 15-0 with an ERA of 1.35. "We'd been cruising in first place behind his golden arm," said Thror Axemaker, the manager of the Dwellers. "At that point we were something like 49-23. We truly loved him even if he was a damned orc! We'd nicknamed him 'Dwarfriend'. After we lost him we completely collapsed - I believe we finished that season with a 74-68 record. It was a terrible loss."
The team called Elven