• Diary of a Yard Sale

    6:00 AM
    Some idiot put an ad in the paper that said:

    Idiots having yard sale in June in Florida. Starting at 8AM. *snicker* Waterbed, refrigerator and other crap available. I doubt they’ll last an hour, so come on by around 10 and offer them a buck for the whole mess.

    Since we hadn’t taken the waterbed apart or tried to get the fridge out the door, we decided to get up early. Two hours should be enough time to put a yard sale together, right?


    6:30 AM
    Still sitting on the couch.

    7:00 AM
    HER: Let’s not move all at once.
    ME: Zzzzzzz.
    HER: Yeah.

    7:30 AM
    Finally got up and started tearing down the bed. Decided to get Whiny up just to share our pain.

    Interesting side note: We found a 4th grade project Pepperkat did where she was asked to put down one word that described her. She said, “Smart.” The jury will notice that she managed to find a way to spend the weekend at a friend’s house. I think she came up with the right word.

    8:00 AM
    Decided to tell everyone that we already sold the fridge and leave it where it is.

    8:15 AM
    Decide that now might be a good time to put up the yard sale signs.
    While writing our address, I forgot how to draw the number 4.
    Felt stupid until the missus (who took over the project with a snicker) forgot how to draw a 3.
    Felt better until driving around to put out signs I lost my car keys by leaving them on the ground near a sign. Spent 5 minutes searching the car before thinking to go look near the sign.

    8:30 AM
    HER: You should put some sunscreen on.
    ME: Nah. I’m just going to sit in the shade all day.

    9:00 AM
    Have 10th customer tell us it’s too damned hot for a yard sale.
    Refrain from hitting them with a yard sale sign.

    10:00 AM
    While going through a box of stuff to sort out things, have customer say, “My you’re getting a late start, aren’t you?”
    Refrain from hitting them with a naked Ken doll.

    11:00 AM
    Left alone. V has terrible headache. Whiny in hiding.
    No problem. I’ll just sit here and look at the clouds. Kinda nice, actually. I haven’t just sat and looked at shapes in the clouds in a long time.

    11:30 AM
    Clouds look like evil monsters that are going to eat me.

    NOON
    Whiny makes me a peanut butter sandwich.
    I am chased down by a hornet that wants a bite.
    I hate hornets.

    1:00 PM to 3:00 PM
    I have no memory of this time other than the constant drip, drip, drip of my melting flesh.

    4:00 PM
    Mrs. Rasreth joins me again.
    We have taken to shaking our fist and yelling, “Bastaaaaaaaard!” at every car that passes without stopping.
    Our new sales technique is not working, but it is fun.

    5:00 PM
    Load all the junk (besides the still unsold waterbed) into 2 cars and take it to Goodwill.
    Decide to never EVER buy another material object again.

    So, how was your Saturday? And does anyone know a good sunburn remedy?

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 10:15 | #1

    Best. Yard sale. Description. Ever. And exactly why I don’t believe in having them.

    Sorry about the sunburn. I’ve heard good things about a combination of true lavender oil and vitamin E from the capsule.

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 10:29 | #2

    OMG!! You know what makes this so funny?? The fact that EVERY word is true, and that in Florida, this is EXACTLY what you are destined for if you have a garage sale at ANY time other than the winter!!! {{{Hugs}}} I have tears in my eyes dude, THANKS!!! :o))

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 10:52 | #3

    I can tell all the From Up North people that live here by all the yard sale signs in summer.

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 10:53 | #4

    Things not to do in Florida in the summer

    Have a yard sale. Well, go outside, actually.

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 11:41 | #5

    Up here in the Big City we call them Stoop Sales, as in stoopid people will buy anything. And we always have them during summer because, being stoopid city people, we don’t understand what nature is, or that there’s anything else we could do during a hot summers day other than try to get rid of all the junk we don’t want in our tiny apartments.

    So, anybody want to buy a used IKEA bookshelf?

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 12:47 | #6

    The clouds are going to eat me… Very funny! We learned our lesson last summer. 110

  • Cableman
    Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 15:25 | #7

    Haha, I should have told you to buy an ALOE plant, best thing i’ve found for a sunburn, and if there’s anything i do know, its how to get rid of a sunburn… What happened to the fridge?

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 15:44 | #8

    Do you mean that not one person wanted to negotiate a lower price on some fifteen cent gizzie?

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 20:08 | #9

    Sunburn – aloe gel lotion. Rite Aid or Walgreens. Stops the burn, feels nice and cool, especially if you put it in the fridge first.

  • Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 22:02 | #10

    Here in Oakland (and throughout the Bay Area of CA) there are once a year pickups of all household junk. You just put it on the sidewalk, and poof, it’s gone. No matter how large, disgusting, or creepy. I gave up on having yard sales a long time ago in favor of junking everything that Goodwill didn’t want.

  • Ric The Schmuck
    Sunday, June 20th, 2004 at 22:26 | #11

    The funny thing is that the author used to be King of The Yard Sales… Used to be a Saturday morning tradition, cruising Capehart for yard sale bargains…

    History dictates that I have no sympathy for you, old friend.

    But I do enjoy your account of the Rasreth family silliness.

  • Monday, June 21st, 2004 at 08:39 | #12

    Heh, that’s why I listed my crap on ebay.

  • Monday, June 21st, 2004 at 10:15 | #13

    What Sol doesn’t know is that I drove by his house several times on Saturday listening to him scream out “Bastaaard!” every time just for the ego boost it gave me.

  • Monday, June 21st, 2004 at 15:53 | #14

    I was busy doing my yard. I’ve decided to sell it. Can I borrow your signs?

  • Monday, June 21st, 2004 at 17:39 | #15

    Actually the very best thing you can use for sunburn is Mad Gab’s Elephant Lube. It comes in a lot of scents, but I’ve only ever had the peppermint sage scented lube.

    I kid you not, this stuff is the best. Google it. There’s got to be some near you.

  • Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004 at 09:07 | #16

    So you came to the yard sale we had right before we made aliyah to Israel right? I mean, you were one of the customer there?

    Though we didn’t have a waterbed….and it was on a Sunday…

  • Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004 at 14:30 | #17

    Be very thankful you didn’t go through the Florida phenomenon we went through last time we decided to hold a Yard Sale – sudden, drenching rain, appearing inconveniently during the middle of the day, lasting long enough to make a mess out of everything you didn’t have time to cram into the garage/carport, and short enough to make you wonder if the stuff is worth moving back out of the garage instead of simply changing “Yard Sale” to “Garage Sale”.

  • Sunday, June 27th, 2004 at 20:13 | #18

    i feel this. yes, i do.

  • Snowgirl
    Sunday, June 27th, 2004 at 21:07 | #19

    If you’d been in the North Country on that day, it would have only been 52 degrees and drizzly. If you’d been doing this here you would have had “dealers” knocking on your door at 7:00 looking for “old” stuff. Yard Sale in Florida in June, what were you thinking Brother in Law, oh yeah, you weren’t thinking. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Comments are closed.
TOP