Life like a toaster
Life is like a toaster. A big, shiney, disturbing toaster. Its making the bread just the way you like it, you fuck with it, and nothing can be done to fix it. Stupid toast...
I had a HUGE row with Graham. Why am I so freaking stupid? I can't go more than 2 months without screwing things up...
I'm leaving in like 6 or 7 days and I have a huge pit in my stomach. I don't want to leave on bad terms with him. I care about him so much. I was really starting to believe the mindless dribble about love you hear in all those stupid fairy tales. I was really starting to believe that I might have found the guy I want to be with the rest of my life. I was starting to believe that I wasn't alone. That someone might actually care about how I feel. I went soft on myself. I never should have written about him all that time ago. Thats how this all started. I've had crushes but none were as strong as 5th grade. I have a couple of good friends but I don't even open up to Ashley enough for her to know what really goes on inside my head. I refuse to open up myself for pain, but I got soft and tried my best to show Graham what was inside my head. He got hurt by something I put in some stupid online quiz. Now he thinks I hate him. I can't lie and say I've never in my life hated him even a little bit. I mean, you can't love someone all the time. Yes, at times I have hated Graham more than Mike S. And Mike S. is a moron. But I care about Graham more than anyone in my life. He is the only person whose opinion about me I care about. The only person who I really feel meant something to me a bit more than my gal friends. The only person who I thought might understand what I am so confused about. I don't know what my feelings are exactly. I'm at a really confusing stage in my relationship with him, I don't really know what love is, and I always thought that 13 was a bit young to say you love someone. But I really started to believe that maybe...just maybe I could be in love. Love and Hate are strong words. Words capable of destroying everything. So, right now, as I wallow in self hate and pity...I want to die. I don't want to think about anything at all. Ever. Nothing. but I can't, I can't stop thinking about him. No matter what I do, how hard I try, nothing is changing my mind. Why can't I just forget how I feel...or felt...
Maybe it just...wasn't meant to be...
somebody kill me...
Posted by Pepperkat at June 29, 2003 01:48 AM