July 27, 2002

Intentional Art

A hot new craze is sweeping the art world, intentional art!

Traditionally, artists had to go throught several steps to express
themselves:
1. They had to visualize their art.
2. They had to make their art.
3. They had to show their art.

Using the revolutionary technique of intentional art, you are able to
skip the second step.

We have with us the greatest artistic mind in the world, the inventor
intentional art, Normond Hverski.

Whiny: Norm, you have been hailed as the savior of visual art. What
do you say to that?

Norm: It's completely true. Lets face it, the only visual art that
hasn't been going down the tubes lately is film, and that's
arguable, have you seen "Like Mike"?

The reason they have been failing is because it takes an
artist so long to complete a piece. So, I took it upon
myself to save the art world. I did this by trying to figure
out a way to shorten the time that a masterwork takes to
complete. Then, it dawned on me. At first I didn't think that
the general public was stupid enough. I HAD to find out.

As it turns out, they are. I just thought about painting a
masterpiece and showed people a blank canvas. They thought it
was brilliant.

By the way, don't call me Norm.

Whiny: Sure thing, Normondolfo.

Normondolfo: Don't call me that either. My name is Normond.

Whiny: Ok, we'll compromise. How about it, Stumpy?

Stumpy: I insist that you stop calling me names!

Whiny: You drive a hard bargain, but its worth it. You can have the
title added.

Stumpy the Wonder Hamster: What title?

Whiny: Ok, I'll throw in the list of your heroic deeds, but thats my
final offer!

Stumpy the Wonder Hamster, who doth rule the kingdom of Dumpingshire,
keeper of spider monkeys, eater of live nightcrawlers, who hath slain
Mittens the great kitten of death, pestilence, and hairballs: ...
I hate you.

Whiny: That's it! You've pushed me too far, Normond.

Tickles McGee: Finally, some respect. Now, as for my future plans I...
Oh, god. This is silly, I'm going to Nightline.


There you have it folks. You heard it here first Normond Hverski is a
big, fat, pretentious, crybaby, momma's boy with 12 fingers on his head
and no artistic talent whatsoever.

Posted by Paul at 11:31 PM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2002

Chuggin'

Chuggin' ice cream shell is one of the greatest joys in life!

So far, the surgeon general has issued nothing to do with ice cream shell. Not a warning. Not a reccomendation. Not a casual remark to a relative that they are out and therefore need more. (If you are out of ice cream shell then you should immediately go get some. FASTER MAN! DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT WITHOUT IT YOUR ICE CREAM WILL BE bum, bum, bumMmMmM.....CREAMY!)

If I were the surgeon general I would issue the following statement. "Falling into a pit of irate rattlesnakes while humming the tune to 'Girls' by the Beasty Boys or 'Squirrels', which most people haven't heard but has the same tune, may be hazardous to your health."

But more importantly I would have studies conducted on ice cream shell. Then, despite the results I would issue this official statement. "Studies have concluded that chuggin' ice cream shell is the most hazardous thing you can possibly do. It has been shown to cause the following: Cancer, Gingivitis, Arthritis, Apendicitis, Diahrea, Monkey Attacks, Mime Attacks, Armadillo Attacks, Vole Attacks, Sloth Attacks, Orangutan Attacks, and Bitter Irony. IN THAT ORDER!

Posted by Paul at 02:05 AM | Comments (1)

I Dunno, It Just Kinda Happened

There is nothing to be typing about. Why am I typing? Because, I have no life.

There once was a man from Nantucket...

No way! There are no men in Nantucket. There are only women.

I am sure men would like to live in Nantucket. Unfortunately, men are not allowed there. If they are found there, they will be captured. If they are captured, then they will have electrodes attached to their testicles and have their heads shaved. Then, they will be sent to the squirrel pit. (The name "Squirrel Pit" is really quite misleading, because the Nantucketians keep any rodent in there, as long as it is irate and rabid.)

So anyway, they are thrown into the "Squirrel Pit"--nude--which wouldn't make much of a difference to them, if only the rodents weren't fed on hot dogs...Well, its not a pretty picture.

The women of Nantucket worship cheese. Hence, there are a lot of cows there.

The reason they worship cheese is because it comes from cows, which are sacred to people in India, but not in China. (In China, they are eaten pretty damn quick!) Anyway, cheese is sacred to them because it represents the circle of life:

Cows give milk.
Milk becomes cheese.
Cheese is eaten by rats.
Rats are eaten by dung monkeys.
Dung monkeys are eaten by bigger dung monkeys.
Bigger dung monkeys are eaten by the women of Nantucket.
And a yearly human sacrifice is made to the cows by the women of Nantucket.

The women of Nantucket believe that if they do not sacrifice one woman a year to each cow then they will not give milk. Thus, no cheese--breaking the circle of life shown above. So, they do this without question.

Which brings up another point. One question you should never ask in Nantucket is, "What about goat cheese? Isn't that eaten by rats too?"

Most likely, if you ask this question, you will be thrown to the cows. After all, goat cheese is sacrilegious...

For some reason (even though they live with only women and sacrifice hundreds of themselves every year), the women of Nantucket are growing in number. They have plans to take over Wisconsin.

Once they accomplish this, they are going to move all of Nantucket to the center of Wisconsin, and from there execute the rest of their evil plan of world domination.

They are going to use Wisconsin as a breeding ground for their army of irate and rabid rodents.

Stop the Nantucketians before it is too late!

The Squirrels, THE SQUIRRELS!!!

Posted by Paul at 02:04 AM | Comments (2)

How Do You Do?

And now...
A rant...

I don't know what the hell you people think I should do!
If you don't tell me what to do I end up writeing these stupid rants! Jeeze!

Thank you.

You may now continue your regularly scheduled programming...

So, I'm walking down the street, and my friend walks up to me and says, "How do you do?"
Of course, I am quite confused.

How do I do what?

Feed purple alfalfa to rabid monkeys in public places?
Destroy the ecosystem with my mad experiments?
Keep so healthy while destroying my body with mind expanding drugs?
Get stoned, dress up like Cher, kill a man and then dump his lifeless body in the reservoir?

"Very well, thank you."

And off we go on our separate ways.

Posted by Paul at 02:03 AM | Comments (1)