July 25, 2003

Whiny's Thoughts

On compliments:
Immolation is the highest form of flattery.

Posted by Paul at 04:00 AM | Comments (2)



What's that? Is that a triple-A? IT IS!!

Posted by Paul at 02:05 AM | Comments (1)

July 21, 2003

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Hoorah! It is my blogiversary today, apparently.

I wouldn't have known this if a kind person who saw it on blogtree.com hadn't told me.

In celebration of this being the second hour of the birthday of my blog I think I'll sleep for the next ten of them...

Posted by Paul at 02:16 AM | Comments (1)

July 15, 2003

I can see! AUGHGH!

I got new glasses for the first time in 2 years today.

Yesterday I had my eye exam and got my eyes dilated for the first time ever. Could my eyes be normal and dilate like everyone else's? NO
As it turns out, my right eye dilates far more than my left one and it looks really freaky. I kind of think it looks cool but my vision is really screwed up since one eye gets more blurry than the other. My right eye sucks...

Anyway, I have new glasses now. Smaller, stronger, more prone to making me trip and vomit. At least I'm not blind...yet.

Posted by Paul at 11:00 PM | Comments (2)

July 12, 2003

Another Stinking Movie Review, What Am I Thinkin'?

Don't worry, I'll keep this one short.

I just got back from what should have been called The Johnny Depp Show featuring Orlando Bloom and Jack The Undead Monkey.

Okay, so that wouldn't have fit on the signs very well and the voiceover guy for the previews would get horrible pains in his throat and quit but the name would fit the movie perfectly.

Don't let anyone tell you that Orlando Bloom or Keira Knightley are the stars of Pirates Of The Caribbean. It's Johnny Depp the whole way, from his perfect entrance to his excellent exit. The undead monkey was a good addition too.

Posted by Paul at 01:25 AM | Comments (1)

July 10, 2003

Dead To Rights

I recently rented Dead To Rights. The following is my review:

Gimme an S! Gimme a U! Gimme a C! Gimme a K!
What's that spell?

It's like somebody wanted to make a third person shooter...
someone else wanted to make a hand to hand combat game
...someone else, a crappy lock-picking game
...and yet another person wanted it to be a crappy stripping game

Did these people communicate so as to make a game with all these elements at once?
No, they preferred to split them up into separate segments so that one minute you could be using a completely different set of buttons than the minute before.

For those of you who enjoy a game simply because, "It's purdy, huhuh" it still sucks.

The only good thing about the game that I found was the opening trailer movie. It had some sweet action.

If you're in the mood to rent a really short computer animated action movie, just download it to avoid playing the game by mistake.

Posted by Paul at 01:41 PM | Comments (0)

July 03, 2003

Nameless horror from beyond the grave

Here's a math problem for all you intellectuals out there:

The DMV opens at 7 and by 12 they're at number 31. If we get there at 12, are assigned number 79, leave, and come back 2 hours later and they're at number 36 how many government employees could I take with me before being gunned down by a cop?

My sister is leaving for Europe on Sunday as part of some People To People thing. She won't be back until the end of Summer Vacation. She needs an ID so she can use the card my parents got her.

Why can't she use her passport?
People To People is holding her passport so she can get through customs more quickly.

Why didn't we just give up and come back some other time?
She had to have it by Sunday. Today is Friday. Tomorrow is Independence Day.

See my dad's blog for more details on this "one of those days" kind of days.

Posted by Paul at 05:31 PM | Comments (2)

July 02, 2003

Read it aloud if possible...it's funnier that way

I just got back from Blockbuster. On the way home I was reading the plethora of receipts (which I can only assume we had received because Blockbuster, in association with The Comic Book Companies and the Druids, is trying to take control of the...Goldfish Fanciers?! STUPID ILLUMINATI CARDS!)

Anyway, I noticed that on one of them it said that I have 42,798 mysterious little enigmas that the locals only describe as "auction tokens".
I thought, "HOORAH! I have tons of auction tokens!...Uhh, what are they for?"

Mildred, the local witchdoctor, old me the legend of the auction tokens and I'll try to remember it as accurately as possible for you:

Long ago, when penguins roamed the earth...a collossal "plop" was heard, the sky opened up, and out dropped millions of little shiny things. The penguins were confused but began collecting them anyway (because they were shiny and had little heart shaped tags with poems inside)

Many years later, during the great war that almost wiped out all the penguins on earth, a scientist that would later be known as Wonk Wonk Wonk (or Wonk The Enlightened when translated into English) discovered that the shiny things (which had lost their value when penguins got bored of them) could be used as weapons by shooting them into the air and hoping that they would land on the enemies' heads.

Using this technique the penguins ruled by King Wonk defeated those ruled by Emperor Wonk. King Wonk was declared to be Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk. (This can be roughly translated to: Wonk The Great King Who Led Us To Defeat The Other Guys By Squashing Them Into Tiny Bits)

Unfortunately for the surviving penguins, they were left too weak from the war to defeat the greater threat of mammals who easily took over the planet.

The shiny things, scattered from their use as weapons, layed dormant until Blockbuster found them and decided to give them out to people without telling them. No one knows why Blockbuster did this but it was they who gave the shiny things their current name of Auction Tokens.

To this day, their existance is known of by few and their use is known by even fewer. It is rumored that only those who control Blockbuster know the true power of Auction Tokens.

I'm devoting my life to figuring out what the heck what they do and if their purpose is evil then I will foil Blockbuster's plot of spreading them around the globe.

Or I might just sleep the rest of the summer...either way's good.

Posted by Paul at 09:53 PM | Comments (0)