Dave Barry Column Generator

Wondering how I could be so gosh-darn Dave Barry-like? Well, with AutoDave! The automated Dave Barry column generator, you can be The Dave, too!

Here’s tomorrow’s Solonor Rasreth Dave Barry column:

Recently in Glenburn (motto: “I’m not wearing any pants.”), residents reported an outbreak of pomegranates. Perhaps you think there are no pomegranates in Glenburn. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: “Bite me!!”). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Ric the Schmuck, whose name can be rearranged to spell “RKICCU MTHHCES “, although that is not my main point. “Ric the Schmuck”, by the way, only has the letters “iceScmck” in in common with “Monica Lewinsky”, so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Glenburn Mayor Pennyworthington-Smythe (formally “Mayor Pennyworthington-Smythe” and informally “Bubba”), pomegranates ranks as a major crisis just behind beer, cookies and donuts (insert your “more beer” joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Glenburn government employees:

FIRST GLENBURN EMPLOYEE: “What will you do without me to lick your… boots?”

SECOND GLENBURN EMPLOYEE: “It’s so nice to see the blind learning to drive.”

FIRST GLENBURN EMPLOYEE: “I didn’t know you secretly wished my foot was up your ass!”

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Bubba, and that is: cut off George Steinbrenner’s pomegranates.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner’s pomegranates, although it might involve paying other bullies to beat up Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning “playing”, and de grace, meaning “tuba in a Sousa marching band”. The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1. eat fewer pomegranates

2. dynamite

But instead the Glenburn city council (motto: “We’ll pay me huge wads of cash to stop writing about them when you pry the pomegranate out of our cold, dead fingers”) thinks that they (the pomegranates) will be squishy soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: “Go away illiterati”.

Speaking of which, “The Glenburn Pomegranates Outbreak” would be a great name for a rock band.

[ via Dragonleg ]

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7 Responses to Dave Barry Column Generator

  1. Ric The Schmuck says:

    Not as good as “Torpid Liver and The Artificial Limbs”, but a good name, none-the-less.
    A fine bit of reporting, Mr.Barry. (wait a minute! A freaky article about Glenburn, written by a Mr. Barry? Not thee Mr. Barry, Barry French? !!!!!)

  2. brantastic says:

    i’ll get you my pretty. and your little pomegranites, too.

  3. Scott says:

    Heh, I like it.

    I’m going through withdrawal; I can’t post, as I’m getting weird errors pertaining to trackback when I do. Hopefully someone will come to the rescue over at the MT forums.

  4. Auto Dave!

    I found at Solonor’s Ink Well AutoDave! The automated Dave Barry column generator! It makes automatic Dave Barry columns! Isn’t

  5. dragonleg says:

    And hello to you, dear sir.
    It’s always an honor to be mentioned in your fine blog.
    We thank you kindly.

  6. My Dave Barry Column

    Witnessed first at Solonor’s Inkwell and then at GeekGasm(DOT)NET, I just had to give AutoDave! The Automated Dave Barry Column

  7. Brian says:

    I replaced myself with a blogbot about six months ago. Betcha didn’t notice. :-0

Comments are closed.