Dave Barry Column Generator

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Here’s tomorrow’s Solonor Rasreth Dave Barry column:

Recently in Glenburn (motto: “I’m not wearing any pants.”), residents reported an outbreak of pomegranates. Perhaps you think there are no pomegranates in Glenburn. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: “Bite me!!”). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Ric the Schmuck, whose name can be rearranged to spell “RKICCU MTHHCES “, although that is not my main point. “Ric the Schmuck”, by the way, only has the letters “iceScmck” in in common with “Monica Lewinsky”, so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Glenburn Mayor Pennyworthington-Smythe (formally “Mayor Pennyworthington-Smythe” and informally “Bubba”), pomegranates ranks as a major crisis just behind beer, cookies and donuts (insert your “more beer” joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Glenburn government employees:

FIRST GLENBURN EMPLOYEE: “What will you do without me to lick your… boots?”

SECOND GLENBURN EMPLOYEE: “It’s so nice to see the blind learning to drive.”

FIRST GLENBURN EMPLOYEE: “I didn’t know you secretly wished my foot was up your ass!”

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Bubba, and that is: cut off George Steinbrenner’s pomegranates.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner’s pomegranates, although it might involve paying other bullies to beat up Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning “playing”, and de grace, meaning “tuba in a Sousa marching band”. The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1. eat fewer pomegranates

2. dynamite

But instead the Glenburn city council (motto: “We’ll pay me huge wads of cash to stop writing about them when you pry the pomegranate out of our cold, dead fingers”) thinks that they (the pomegranates) will be squishy soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: “Go away illiterati”.

Speaking of which, “The Glenburn Pomegranates Outbreak” would be a great name for a rock band.

[ via Dragonleg ]