I promise this is the last one…

Got the following e-mail on hurricane preparedness today:

Any day now, you could turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan.

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

Put these supplies into your car.

Drive to Minnesota and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Minnesota.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies since living in Florida. This week, I’m covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.


Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and — if it’s a major hurricane — all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they’re cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, Your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they’re very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Minnesota.


As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like Barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (If you don’t have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the Hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.


If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida,” you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

* 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
* Bleach. (No, I don’t know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it’s traditional, so GET some!)
* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
* A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
* A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille, after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
*$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your Television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck this hurricane season and remember–it’s great living in Paradise!

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13 Responses to I promise this is the last one…

  1. Sherri says:

    You know, I remember seeing something like this for people living in earthquake prone areas (which is most of the world, actually), for flood areas (not quite as much of the world) for areas prone to wildfires (again, most of the world) and for snow and ice storms.

    Ya picks the disasters you can live with. Then you complain about them.

  2. Solonor says:

    In other words: Don’t worry. Be Grumpy! 🙂

    We’re gonna live forever!

  3. zee says:

    See, I love to wake up to stuff like this. Just what I needed, too. A little levity in the midst of all this mess and worry.

  4. Busy Mom says:

    Isn’t there a stpe where you are supposed to “hunker down”?

  5. Busy Mom says:

    Isn’t there a step where you are supposed to “hunker down”?

  6. Chari says:

    If I don’t hear the words “hunker” or “wind event” or “rain event” ever again… *sigh* I know, I’ll hear them in a week when the next one hits.

    Way funny post, Sol. And dead-on.

    PS… the bleach is supposedly so you can add a bit to water to make it drinkable. Yuck. I say just boil the damn water. Who wants to drink water that smells like my clean socks drawer?

  7. SoapBoxBlog says:

    Thar She Blows…

    If you really want to know what it’s like to experience a hurricane in Florida, go and read it here….

  8. domino says:


    One of the funniest thing I’ve read in a….well since the last thing I read.

  9. Danielle says:

    Love this! Grew up in Florida and my folks are still there. I am forwarding a link to them.. they will totally dig it.

  10. Ric The Schmuck says:

    I noticed that Bob and Big Stan want your kidneys, so when the man comes to door asking for your liver, we’ll know it’s not them.

  11. Karan says:

    OK, it was hard…but I got my metal storm shutters up and all my mismatched batteries stashed somewhere already forgotten. What else is there to do? I won’t let Ivan ruin MY day!!

  12. robyn says:

    We took it up the backside sideways by insurance adjusters today (who didn’t even visit our house I might add — they did their assessment by phone). Oh boy, what a fun time to be a Floridian!

  13. Ooshka says:

    Don’t worry Solly! Based on Robyn’s predicted path you have until next Sunday to get all this stuff done…but there is one more tinsey thing you forgot to add to the swimming pool…. A Portable (projectile style) Direcway satellite system ($999) along with its obligatory annual committment at $75/mo. This is so that you can change that darn Yankees in First sign the moment the Red Sox sweep the Yankees in cool Hurricaneless NYC the day the storm hits….be sure to aim the dish in the direction of Steinbrenner’s retreating Cadillac though. We don’t want it hitting Hotel Rasreth.

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