If only they were all just toys…

This story about a captured soldier turning out to be an action figure is yesterday’s news (at least if you’re a blogger). But I don’t have anything else to say today, and I found this list from Ace of Spades to be hilarious (yes, I know I’m gonna have to renounce my membership in the vast liberal conspiracy for thinking something a right-winger said is funny).

Top Ten Other Terrorist Threats
10. “If the UN does not immediately withdraw support for the US occupation of Iraq, the Jihad Brotherhood will cut off one of Papa Smurf’s three fingers”

9. “We have captured Rainbow Brite, and we will hang her as an infidel at dawn”

8. “Al-Zarqawi is pleased to announce new reinforcements in his jihad– COBRA Commander and Megatron of the Decepticons (also, we may get that completely useless robot who can turn into a fuckin’ tape-recorder)”

7. “If the American infidels do not depart Iraq immediately, the streets will run black with the ink of a thousand Etch-a-Sketches”

6. “I swear to Allah, if you do not release our brave warriors held in captivity, by next week Garfield the cat will have a whole new reason to hate Mondays”

5. “You have no chance of defeating us in Iraq, in Afghanistan, or in high-stakes games of Hungry Hungry Hippos”

4. “We have Jarts and we’re not afraid to use them”

3. “If our demands are not met immediately, we will begin pestering your female soldiers with our great stockpiles of Mr. Microphones; they will not be able to sleep, for our constant utterances of Hey good-looking, be back to pick you up later!”

2. “Deliver Donald Rumsfeld to us as a war criminal for trial or we will take our collection of Muppets and pose them in the most insidiously-sexual of manners; verily, your children will weep bitter tears when they witness Elmo being sodomized by the deviant Gonzo and his pansexual chickens”

… and the Number One Other New Terrorist Announcement…

1. “A thousand explosive Chia Pets will thunder in the streets of Bagh… oh, fuck it, we’re a bunch of buffoonish wankers everybody knows it”

[ via Michele ]

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One Response to If only they were all just toys…

  1. Mamacita says:

    1. If only they all were.
    2 Awesome list. I’m still laughing out loud.

    (drum roll. . . .)

    3. I love your blog.

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