We played Trivial Pursuit the other night and one of the questions was What is the minimum IQ level considered “genius”? The sainted spouse knew this one immediately and told us the reason: “Both our kids are one point away.”
One point away from genius. What a great title for a book. (Steal it and I keel you!)
People are always buying parenting books like Children’s Past Lives (how to recognize past life memories in children and how to respond), Every Family Needs a C.E.O., and The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Parenting. Why not one about raising two smartasses that have a bigger CPU in the ole brainpan than yours? It’d sell like hotcakes!
Of course, it would have to contain a chapter or so where I certify their braininess using concrete examples and real life experiences. But that would be easy. I would simply have to point out the high level of sophistication and wit to which they have ascended in their relatively short lives. Take for example our most recent in-car discussion about life, the universe and everything (aka, a Saturn Summit)…
We were engaged in one of our usual philosophic debates (something about whether or not David Hume could really out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, I think) when Pepperkat introduced us to a new bit of knowledge.
PEPPERKAT: I got to pet a penguin at Sea World. The really cool scientist dude told us that we had to pet it from the side or it would either bite us or poop on us. Did you know they can shoot their crap 4 to 6 feet behind them?
WHINY: Wow! Penguins are like major shit cannons! They make up for their flightlessness with a lot of things. They can swim. They can shoot crap out their butt 4 to 6 feet. And they can get eaten by polar bears…
PEPPERKAT: Polar bears can’t eat penguins. They’re at the other side of the world.
WHINY: Well, it doesn’t seem like much of a defense to me anyway… all you have to do is make sure you don’t stand behind them.
PEPPERKAT: Maybe they’re like ninja penguins, and they can spin around real fast and blast you with poop!
(skipping the 15 minutes of kung-fu-penguins-shooting-crap-at-their-enemies sounds)
WHINY: Actually, this makes penguins pretty darn smart. Penguins must be the only animals to evolve to actually shoot their poop from their bodies. Monkeys just pick it up and throw it.
PEPPERKAT: Why didn’t we think of it?
WHINY: Because we wear clothes… imagine the mess!
PEPPERKAT: Yeah. It’d be like *poof* and your pants would just blow up like a balloon.
WHINY: Either that, or you’d get a shotgun effect as it ripped through.
By this time we had driven into our driveway and exited the vehicle. What followed was a ten minute demonstration of human poop cannons, complete with sound effects and the type of high-brow, classy humor that comes with it.
Yep. Just one point away… Scary, ain’t it?
Naturally, I had to look this penguin crap up for myself: The Jet Propelled Penguin – University of Life Lecture
I repeat. Scary, ain’t it?