The return of the long, rambling post, neatly fastened to the long, rambling title

Here’s a startling revelation… Scientists have proven that if you don’t write in your blog every day (except to post links to your bad ass pop hits), people will stop bothering to read the damn thing! Well, 9-out-of-10 scientists. That stupid 10th one is a stalker who’ll keep coming back and clicking on the same old post over and over. It’s sad, really. I don’t think she got enough attention when she was a little scientist. She was all like, “Mummy. Daddy. Perchance, might I have a scientist kit for Christmas?” And they just ignored the poor, wee tyke! They came home from boozing it up at their company Christmas party, and the mother got right in her little face and with boozy breath growled, “Go ta bed ya liddle shyntst.” Meanwhile, Daddy just stumbled into the living room and passed out in a pool of his own vomit. So, I forgive Scientist 10 for her lack of objectivity in this study. In fact, it makes me love her all the more. Scientist 10 is my favorite of them all. There. I said it.

So, anyway, I was hanging out at church yesterday (as is my wont), and I found myself in a conversation with a couple of Pepperkat’s friends (two that regularly follow her on Sunday, partly because they’re bored and partly because they idolize my daughter and her ultra-coolness). We were standing near the snack table, when one of them said her teacher told her she was going to hell. Being the adult and being in church, I took this opportunity to turn the conversation into a religious lesson. It went something thusly:

ASHLEY: She said I was going to hell.
ME: What??? No handbasket?
ME: That is bad. That’s about the worst way to go to hell, you know.
KORY: Maybe they’ll have gift baskets when she gets there!
ME: Well, they are trying to improve their image.
ASHLEY: So, I can go to hell and get a gift basket?
KORY: With muffins!
ME: YES! Things don’t look so bad when you have muffins.
ASHLEY: Really?
ME: Yes. Except for you. You’re so bad. No muffins for you!
(Later on, I told her she was still going to hell, but she could have a muffin. It seemed to lift her spirits.)

The conversation then turned to a debate on whether Hitler was so evil because he didn’t have any muffins or because he really wanted to go to hell and get the gift basket (and, thus, muffins). I call this Godwin’s Muffin Law.

I love teaching religion to the young folk. I’m thinking maybe I should become a minister when I grow up.

I told this story to Basstardo in a series of three-word sentences on IM last night. Her response: “I don’t like muffins.” Further proof of my theory that only the good get muffins.

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11 Responses to The return of the long, rambling post, neatly fastened to the long, rambling title

  1. -d says:

    I must really rank! I’m getting Rice Krispy Treats!

    LOL – thanks for the laugh
    – Dana

  2. kat says:

    I got choc. chip/raisin/oatmeal cookies. I am soooo good!

  3. geeky says:

    hrm. all i’ve got is coffee. perhaps i need to visit hell for some of those muffins.

  4. jcwinnie says:

    But, Solly, you failed to specify what sort of muffins. Now I am wondering if this is a Type I or Type II egregious error?

  5. Solonor says:

    Actually, we did mention that the muffins would be plain. This is hell after all.

  6. Ric The Schmuck says:

    So you’re back at work, huh?

  7. lily says:

    ah…sweet hell.

  8. God said, “Thou shalt have no refined flour and processed sugars, nor sugars or flours shalt thou have,” and there were no muffins in the land. nay, nor sweetbreads. nor danishes, nor crumpets. and yea, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

    “Fear not,” said Satan, “For there is a muffin reserved for you in hell.” and the people wept at his mercy.

  9. picklejuice says:

    How dare you cheapen my emotional breakthrough just because you can’t hang with the “three word only sentence” rule?

    And what kind of name is “basstardo” anyway? Kids these days will add “tardo” to anything, just cuz Snoop Dogg told ’em to!


  10. Solonor says:

    “Basstardo” a great word! It says so much all at once… “bastard”, “tard”, “ass”, “asstard”, “tardo”, “star”… wait, how did that one slip in?

  11. domino says:

    Actually in Heaven they have muffin tops, with butter and lovely freshly steamed esspresso made with fresh beans and sweet milk. In Hell it’s just muffin bottoms and margarine with instant coffee, after all it IS hell .

    At least that my latest religous dogma.

    Oh, and the muffins in Heaven are served by 28 young virgins (pick you favorite gender).

    I need my own blog dammit.

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