Visions of Sugar Plums?

When I first heard about it, I thought: “Isn’t that nice? Someone’s going to write some sweet stories of the North Pole for the kids.” Then I heard the Duras Sisters were behind it…

My nightmarish fears became reality when I clicked on the link to Santa’s Blog. In this twisted vision of Kris Kringle, the jolly old elf is a pissed off corporate CEO who has to deal with a strike-prone labor force (led by Dingle, the Sopranos-wannabe elf) and an oversexed, underappreciated Mrs. Claus (who’s seeing Yukon Cornelius on the side) while answering letters from the likes of Saddam Hussein and Sean Penn.

To make matters worse, a whole host of media-inspired characters have demanded equal time:

Blitzen, the angry, alcoholic reindeer who’s jealous of Rudolph’s success;
Hermey, the not-so-cute dentist wannabe (though more in the style of Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors);
Bubba, the cross-dressing, bisexual snowman from Arkansas;
Rudolph, the superstar reindeer of movies and music videos, who’s supporting his doe-friend Clarice’s expensive jewelry habits;
Gretchen, the North Pole talent agent, who’s out to make tons o’ cash off the entire cast of whackos by putting them into action movies, porn videos and reindeer lingerie photo spreads;
Agent Smith, who’s tapping Mrs. Claus’ steamy phone calls with Trent Lott and Strom Thurmond;
Even Hanukkah Harry has gotten into the act!

My recommendation: Do NOT go there! It is a sad and scary place. Every childhood memory of Christmas is liable to be dashed upon the jagged rocks of reality.

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