Voting: A Detailed Study

Whew! I’m glad they don’t hold these things in August!

I was wrong. It’s actually a half-mile to the polling place. So, having walked there and back again, I can truthfully say, “I’d walk a mile to vote for John Kerry!”

The partisanship of the place was incredible in its absence. Out of the acres of cars and people, I saw one “Bush-Cheney” bumpersticker, one little “W is my president” sticker, one “Anybody But Bush” sticker, and one guy with a “Kerry-Edwards” t-shirt. That’s it! No one else openly proclaimed their faith, and the only political conversation I heard in line was about how crazy it is in other parts of the country. We’re in fricking Florida! If it ain’t crazy here, the rest of the country must be comatose!

Since I was going to be in line for a while, I decided to apply for a government grant to undertake a detailed study of voting trends in my precinct. (The check bounced, but I went ahead anyway.)

According to my scientific survey of 1,000 voters standing in the parking lot of a Florida church, the following conclusions may be drawn:

1-percent of voters are African-American
5-percent are Hispanic
Black or dark-haired voters outnumber blondes by a 2:1 margin
10-percent of male voters and 1-percent of females wear baseball caps
Only one Oriental chick in a thousand will vote in this election
Only two pregnant women in a thousand will vote

Since I only saw one guy with a safari helmet, it’s obvious that both candidates failed in their efforts to draw out the pith helmet vote.

News Organizations should feel free to use this information in their early predictions.