From The People’s Republic of Seabrook comes this list that he found:
- The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
- The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
- The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
- The Washington Times is read by people who suppose God wants them to run the country, would like to make enough money to understand the Wall Street Journal, and are comforted every morning knowing those who read the New York Times are no longer running the country.
- USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
- The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave L.A. to do it.
- The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
- The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat in the subway.
- The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country either, as long as whoever’s running the country does something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
- The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority lesbian feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy, as long as they are Democrats.
- The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
- The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the supermarket.
To that he adds:
“The Houston Chronicle is read by those who smuggle in our maids and gardeners from Mexico and Central America.”
And I add:
The Orlando Sentinel is read by people who live in a fictional country ruled by a goofy mouse and where everyone is happy. Or else.