Listen up, you evil masters of destruction. You can’t run a proper crew of minions without training. If you want to join the army of darkness, you can’t just start pushing over grannies or stealing lunch money from nerds. Being an evil genius requires forethought and training…(“I didn’t spend six years at evil medical school to be called ‘Mr. Evil’ thank-you-very-much!”).
A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the forces of darkness is required reading for any serious world-conqueror. There you will learn how to thwart the forces of good, pick out a potential career, determine a location for your evil lair, while getting fashion tips and help in selecting just the right evil laugh.
OK, so you’ve studied hard, you’re on the calendar, you’re a big-time baddie. Now what? What to do with all that power? Fear not! Skip (do not prance…overlords don’t prance) over to Peter’s Evil Overlord List for tons of ideas on how to expend your negative energy.
In existence since 1996, this list holds the keys to true evildom. For example, take these bits o’ wickedly warped wisdom:
“Shooting is not too good for my enemies.”
“When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, ‘Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?’ I’ll say, ‘No.’ and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say ‘No.'”
“One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.”
Unfortunately, I have already violated rules 18 and 19:
“18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.”
“19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.”
Brought to you by the same evil genius behind Peter Anspach’s Star Trek Parodies.
[ Evil Overlord Instructions forwarded by Cableman; Peter’s List spotted at daily brain goo ]
If you have not seen it before, you really should visit http://www.villainsupply.com/ for all your world domination needs. I got myself a Loc Nar and could not be happier with the resuARRRGGGHHHHH!
Yes!! Add it to your evil toolkit, overlords. It’s a permanent member of my links now.
So, who wants to pony up the 30 bazillion yen I need to pick up one of those SOL system thingies? Please? Huh? Pretty please?
As for the Evil Overlord List, I’ve had a copy of that filed away on my computer for many years now… mwahahaha…