All your bass are belong to us

In last week’s post about Dear Aunt Nettie, I mentioned the Museum of Depressionist Art. However, I didn’t give it or its sister site – The Gladys Dwindlebimmers Ralston Gallery of the Unidentifiable – the space they deserve.

Well, knowing that my core audience consists of folks either too busy watching wife-swapping shows or building bunkers to leisurely peruse the sites, I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting some of my favorites.

Don’t thank me. Just throw money.

From the Museum:

Aurelius Maximus Fails His Field Sobriety Test
“The otherwise unidentified Aurelius Maximus is shown here in the classic pose of the charioteer pulled over on suspicion of Driving Under the Influence of Vino (DUIV).”

Santa on the Skids
“Raphelli’s great passion was showing the hidden side of celebrities and famous people. He burst onto the art scene with his first canvas, ‘Pope Julius II Dressed as a Prostitute,’ which was followed by ‘Mother Teresa Beating a Leper’ and ‘St. Francis Giving the Finger.'”

A Sad Fish Tale, or, Against the Advice of His Wife the General Orders the Fugu Blue Plate Special
“In this particular painting Fedora illustrates the old Russian proverb, ‘It is better that a man listen to his wife than to eat a cheap fish meal and drop dead.’ He uses as his models the family of the notoriously unlucky General Fyodor Fyodorovna Fyodorovnich, who one time had his breeches shot off as he straddled a cannon at an inopportune moment. This was also the reason attributed to the Fyodorovnich’s failure to have children.”

Dreams of a Young Swineherd
“In the village where the artist spent most of his life there was a young swineherdess named Petunia who had quite the fantastic imagination…”

Benjy the Dwarf Cops a Feel
“This touching portrait is of a neighborhood con artist, Benjy the Dwarf, aka Little Ben, Benny the Dip, Shorty the Stabber, Fast Ben the Sneak and Lord Benjamin Thierry, Count of Flanders and Protector of the Low Countries.”

Eve, Discovering Adam’s Allergy to Apples, Offers Him the Cabbage of Temptation
“…Dewar interpreted freely, and the resulting illustrations were considered somewhat less than perfectly suitable. For instance, it is unlikely that Noah’s Ark had a full array of brass cannons.”

The Lady Gabrielle Fine-Tunes Her Android Servant, Sally
“(The painter) became obsessed with ‘Sally,’ shown here with her owner, and actually completed 12 portraits of her in various settings before attempting to elope with her one night under cover of darkness. Sneaking her into a local inn, he attempted to consummate his passion, not realizing that, driven by lust, he had overwound his gear-driven goddess. A few moments later with a resounding snap! he was neatly and effectively unmanned.”

Saul, on the Road To Damascus, Receives the First Unsolicited Pop-up Ad
“Di Luca eventually turned to advertising as a way of milking more revenue from his clients. In addition to the work shown here he was also responsible for the ‘No More Tears’ Baptism of St. John by Fragetti and the ‘Original Ginsu Starter Set’ version of Domenichino’s The Flaying of Marsyas.”

All Your Bass Are Belong to Us
“The curious title has been the subject of much speculation on the part of art historians. The consensus is that it represents a boastful remark by the brothers in poorly-understood Belgian.”

From the Gallery:

Early Board Game?
“One can almost see a group of Mesopotamian children gathered around the ‘board,’ casting sheep’s knuckles each in his or her turn, the winner perhaps awarded a laurel wreath and the losers sacrificed to the Mesopotamian god of chance, N’tighu.”

Mortified Cat
“This is one of a collection of what has become known as the Embarrassed Animals Series. It is suspected that the artist did not care for animals very much.”

Poster Boy for the Special Crusades
“After the embarrassing loss of Pope Gregory VIII’s Second Crusade to the Seljuk Turks before reaching the playoffs, his successor, Clement III, decided to popularize his Third Crusade through a variety of spectacles, contests and competitions. His ‘Who Wants to be the Millionth Martyr?’ campaign was well received, as was his ‘Just Say No to Infidels’ program.”

Violinderbuss
“Music was very important in Dutch colonial settlements, and one can imagine the quandary of the traveling musician of the time: how could he manage both a firearm and his instrument effectively?”

Buddhist Monk Misses Nirvana Due To Cell Phone Interruption
“And again the Buddha spoke, and was heard to have said: drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnggggg…”