Even though he’s not on the official Minion Calendar™ as an Evil Overlord, I always heed a call from Mr. Olsen. His latest missive said:

I would like to SEE ALL BLOGCRITICS make some kind of favorites list THIS WEEK. They are easy, fun, and will establish where your taste is coming from. THESE LISTS CAN BE ABOUT ANYTHING: favorite CDs of the year, favorite CDs all-time, favorite CDs by genre, by artist, by label, by shoe size, whatever. Your list can be MUSIC, BOOKS, DVD/VIDEO, TV, whatever…

Ah, but the fatal mistake was in giving me the “whatever” out clause. For while I am too busy to write much for Blogcritics with my NaNoWriMo silliness, I do have tons of lists.

The first one stems from an argument everyone with any circle of friends has had since Edison’s “Mary Had A Little Lamb” was panned by critics as “too talky.” Yes, it’s the old Worst Songs Ever debate.

So, here–in no particular order–are the songs unanimously picked by the great minds at SolCritics™ as the worst of the worst, along with handy-dandy Amazon links for my favorite masochists (you know who you are–he said, as he gleefully looked up the links). Before you whine about the lack of rap and country songs, please go to my site for the rules.

April Wine – “Just Between You And Me”
Personal fave of Not-So-Red Menace

Barry Manilow – “I Write the Songs”
Truly, we had a hard time limiting ourselves to just one…

Captain & Tenille – “Muskrat Love”
Muskrat mating music… mmmm…

Carl Douglas – “Kung Fu Fighting”
And yet…HAA!…I still can’t stop HUUH!… whenever I … HYAAA!… hear it.

Lionel Ritchie – “Three Times A Lady”
unce..tice.. fwee times a mady…

Melanie – “Rollerskates”
According to Sgt. Grump, they used this at basic training as part of the preparation to resist torture…

Michael Murphy – “Wildfire”
He ran calling, “Wildfire, you stupid piece of horseflesh, get yer ass back here!”

Minnie Riperton – “Lovin’ You”
Bad song. Great commercial.

Ohio Express – “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy”
I got love in my tummy?? Ewwww!

Paul Anka – “Havin’ My Baby”
Hey, everyone’s gotta have one stinkeroo…even Paulie…oh, wait, I said ‘one’ didn’t I? Never mind.

Rupert Holmes – “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)”
Yes, my wife and I would just laugh and laugh if we found out the other one was taking out personal ads to meet someone else. Oh, the hilarity…

Sammy Johns – “Chevy Van”
Ah, those were the days… when a young, nubile female could hitchhike safely in this country…

Starland Vocal Band – “Afternoon Delight”
Quick! Name another Starland Vocal Band song! Ha! Thank God you couldn’t. (Heaven help us, if you could.)

Terry Jacks – “Seasons in the Sun”
This is, without question, my least favorite piece of crap in the entire universe. Just thinking of its insipid whiny tone right now makes me want to build a time machine, just so I could go back and punch Terry Jacks’ father in the nose!

Now that I’m finished here are two scary facts:

1. I found every one of these songs available for sale.
2. Almost every one of the albums was rated four stars by customers.


[ As seen on Blogcritics ]

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16 Responses to Anti-Good

  1. Tim Hall says:

    Ah, April Wine. One of Canada’s greatest exports. The band who’s lyrics made those of Kiss sound deep and meaningful. The band that gave us such gems as this

    “I like to rock”
    Some like it hot (baby)
    I like it, you like it!
    I like to rock”

  2. Scott says:

    Hey, I liked some of those songs. April Wine’s contribution shouldn’t be there.

    I do have the song you’re looking for:

    [drumroll] Come on, Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. You know you hate it.

    Also, We Built This City by Starship. Gods, I hated this one something fierce.

    I liked Seasons in the Sun! Feh! Afternoon Delight belongs there, though. I think it’s time to roll out a topic from earlier this year for another go ’round.

  3. Scott says:

    For what it’s worth, I thought America wrote Muskrat Love and recorded it first.

  4. Scott says:

    Oh, and one more: Three Times a Lady is actually a song by the Commodores. Nyeah.

  5. Let’s play a game, shall we?

    Blame Solonor for my digging this game out of mothballs.

  6. Solonor says:

    All right. All right, Mr. Perfect, it was the Commodores. Still sucked. As for the others:

    “Come On, Eileen” — That’s just wrong…

    “We Built This City” — My hands are shaking as I type, I hate this so much. Unfortunately, I opened up the floor to the panel, and someone actually LIKED it. They’re dead now.

    And liking “Seasons in the Sun” confirms my suspicions: I hate you. 😛

  7. Solonor says:

    And America did write and record a terrible version of “Muskrat Love”. For that, they should be universally reviled. However, The Captain must be recognized for doing the impossible: making it worse.

  8. wSpacebran says:

    a’ight. bran’s worst songs (to add to the wList):

    1. anything by Creed. notice this is listed as priority number 1.
    2. Proud To Be An American –Lee Greenwood
    3. I Love You Always Forever –Donna Lewis
    4. Thank You –Dido
    5. anything by Jewel. no exceptions.
    6. if you wanna make this list complete, bring out the Donna Summer.
    7. What A Girl Wants –Christina Aguilera
    8. Oops I Did It Again –Britney
    9. It’s My Life –Bon Jovi
    10. Billy, Don’t Be A Hero –Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
    11. The Night Chicago Died –Paper Lace
    12. Fernando –ABBA
    13. That Don’t Impress Me Much –Shania Twain
    14. This Kiss –Faith Hill
    15. make sure you put Michael Bolton SOMEWHERE on this list (that no talent assclown)

    i could go on.

  9. Solonor says:

    Yes, you could, bran. And 99% of those songs are on the cutting room floor. We had stringent requirements that all the committee agree on every song. Unfortunately, certain used-to-be-red-haired people have strange tastes…

    The full list of nominees is on the site here somewhere.

  10. Ric The Schmuck says:

    Oh, if they only knew about you and lists…. notebook upon notebook upon notebook. You probably still have them all. As fer bad songs…

    “Loving You” Minnie Ripperton. 17 octaves of crap.
    “If” Bread. Insipid. Only redeeming quality is that it’s under 3 minutes long.
    “Shannon” Henry Gross. Junior High dance nightmares. Gak.
    “In the year 2525” Zager & Evans. Yuck.
    “Billy Don’t Be A Hero” Bo Donaldson. As mentioned above.
    And I know ya wanna leave country out of this, but
    “Teddy Bear” by Red Sovine makes me cringe.
    By the way, I don’t fell slighted at all at being left out of the blogcritics list…. I know, maybe if I ever learned anything about music, I could apply, huh?

  11. Solonor says:

    Ah, this was something me and some people at work did at lunch time, before I had a blog. If I were going to repeat the experiment, I’d have a much larger audience this time.

    Besides, there’s not much horrid trash you can think of that I didn’t bring up…including the ones you just did.

  12. Ric The Schmuck says:


  13. michele says:

    I’m just wondering why I didn’t get this memo about posting lists. Have I fallen out of the blogcritics loop already?

  14. Solonor says:

    One of your e-mail minions probably lost it on ya. Those incompetent boobs.

  15. michele says:

    Everyone knows that MacArthur Park is the Worst.Song.Ever.

  16. Ric The Schmuck says:

    hey now, old Dumbledore hasn’t been dead much more than a week now, lets don’t go dumping on the old boy for a while, k?

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