Be a man, son!

Apparently, there’s a list of 25 things every man should know. I got this from Les, who is only 80% manly according to the list, but he’s got one, mean beard, so I’ll give him a pass.

Let’s see if my image as a useless fop matches up with reality, shall we?

1. Patch a radiator hose – I’m pretty sure I could get away with that one with sufficient duct tape. +1
2. Protect your computer – From what? Klingon warriors? Ravaging swarms of killer rabbits? I think I’ll give me a +1 on that one, despite the vague conditions of the test.
3. Rescue a boater who has capsized – Again, I’m not sure of the parameters of the peril. Is this in the middle of a hurricane? Is it a canoe or the Titanic? Have I got a boat, or am I supposed to swim out after him? In a lake or the ocean? I’m just going to give myself a +1 on this for making the effort.
4. Frame a wall – Walls are easy to frame. You just plant the gun near their baseboards, and they just stand there. When the cops come around to question them, they don’t say nuthin’. It’s like talking to a…well, you get the idea. +1
5. Retouch digital photos – Why are you touching them in the first place? Cheeky monkey. +1
6. Back up a trailer – Pshhht. Who can’t? (Good thing they don’t specify not running over things with it.) +1
7. Build a campfire – Matches? Check. Gasoline? Check. +1
8. Fix a dead outlet – I’m not sure that we should be messing with them in that state. If we go around bringing things back from the dead, sooner or later we’ll regret it. +1 for having the moral certitude to refuse.
9. Navigate with a map and compass – What? How wimpy is that? Real men navigate without a compass or a map. Hell, we can’t fold the damn things anyway, so who needs ’em? *spit* Besides, if we ever get lost, we’ll stop and ask directions. Good thing we’re never lost. +1
10. Use a torque wrench – For what? Is this related to framing the wall? I can use a torque wrench to open walnuts. +1
11. Sharpen a knife – I’m pretty sure this is a trick question. If it’s not sharp already, then it’s more of a club than a knife, isn’t it? I can’t sharpen a club. But then, who can? +1
12. Perform CPR – Yes! Again I’m able to slide by due to the non-specific nature of the question. I can perform CPR… +1
13. Fillet a fish – I can eat Filet-O-Fish. I count that. Don’t like it? Talk to my friend the wall. +1
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid – You can’t drive in Maine without this skill. +1
15. Get a car unstuck – See #14.
16. Back up data – Puh-leeze. Backing it up ain’t the hard part. Finding it when you need to restore it…now that takes skillz. +1
17. Paint a room – Woo hoo! Another one for non-specificity! +1
18. Mix concrete – With…? I’m sure I could mix it with lots of things. +1
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle – I hear Lemon Pledge works well. +1
20. Change oil and filter – Into what? What am I…an alchemist? I’m not some sort of magician who goes “Watch as I now change this oil and filter into…Presto! My lovely assistant Lolita!” I will assume that just running the car until the little “oil” light comes on and taking it into the garage before the smoke overwhelms me is good enough. +1
21. Hook up an HDTV – Sure. When are you sending me one? +1
22. Bleed brakes – Eww. Just…ew. If your car runs on blood, then I don’t wanna ride with you. Sorry. +1
23. Paddle a canoe – Naughty, naughty canoe. +1
24. Fix a bike flat – I can fix a bike so flat you’ll think it was a pancake! +1
25. Extend your wireless network – How do you think I’m typing this crap on the internets? +1

By my reckoning, I’m 100% manly! Don’t agree? Let’s fight about it!