Dear Aunt Nettie…

The internet is big. So, even though I’ve been using it since the late 1950’s, I am sometimes introduced to sites that have been around for years but are new to me.

Dear Aunt Nettie… is one. Grump pointed my browser there indirectly by showing me the related Museum of Depressionist Art.

Billed as “America’s Oldest Internet Guru”, Aunt Nettie has been answering questions in her own snarky manner since 1996. If you need to lose a few pounds in the ole derriere, you could spend days laughing your ass off in her archives.

Here is one of my favorites:

8-6-2004

Dear Aunt Nettie:

I just turned 103 and my great-great-grandchildren are trying to get me to give up driving. How do I know when it’s time to turn in my keys?

– Duffer in Dufresne

Dear Duffer:

There are ten definitive signs that it’s time to leave the driving to someone else:

1. Lately you’ve been noticing how many speed bumps scream.

2. You find yourself going through stop lights on the grounds that you were driving before they ever had such silly things.

3. All of your friends have developed a passionate interest in walking rather than riding with you.

4. You confuse the pedals in the car with the ones on your piano, and sustain your way into Starbucks front window when you meant to una corda softly into the parking lot.

5. Buildings have begun leaping out at you without warning. They have also begun changing places, even moving to different streets, the clever pranksters.

6. Headlights and streetlights aren’t anywhere near as bright as they used to be, probably due to cheap imports.

7. Twice you’ve called the police to report that your dashboard has been stolen, then realized you’d gotten into the back seat.

8. Neighbors pull their children inside when you approach and wave menacingly.

9. You’ve come to the conclusion that, technically, there’s no good reason to stop at the back of the garage.

10. You get frequent denter miles from the local auto body shop, and at Xmas they send you a ham.