Fun With Furnishings

Remember the demon-spawned cabinet Whiny and I put together last year? Well, yesterday, the Mrs. and I decided that we needed a couple of book cases to divide our bowling-alley-shaped living room/dining room/cat domicile and to keep our ever-growing mountain of crap off the floor. This time, we wanted to see if we could avoid the put-it-together-yourself-and-let-loose-demon-ant-hordes stuff. So, we drove around, stopping in some lovely second-hand furniture stores and generally making nuisances of ourselves. (Bigger nuisances than usual, I mean.)

I heroically resisted the urge to buy a 7-foot-tall Statue of Liberty for the front yard. And she changed her mind about decorating our new half-million-dollar home (the one we’ll get when we win the Lotto) in Wal-Mart fare, deciding she’d spend the rest of her life buying cool used stuff. But in one wholesale furniture store, I saw something that made my credit card leap out of my wallet and scream, “Buy that! NOW!”

Here’s what it looked like…


Click for larger image

Oh, all right. So, it was way cheaper looking than that–almost plastic. But you get the idea.

Anyway, about two seconds after I said, “Oooh!”, the shock-and-horror on my spouse’s face gave me a clue to what was running through her mind. That was quickly followed by an emphatic “NO!” (I think there was something about divorce proceedings in there, too.) So, Mr. Credit Card pouted and shuffled his feet as he slipped sourly back into my wallet.

When we got home with the demon-spawned entertainment center that we finally bought instead of the bookcases (more on that later), I started in on a really good pathetic whine about how cool it would be to have a sleazy basement bar. Think of it! Lounge music, black lights, neon flamingoes. I would mix it up with sports den accoutrements, like a giant TV and a naugahyde couch. Maybe even get a trophy case and start collecting cool-looking cast-off trophies from pawn shops…

ME: Yes, that’s my bowling trophy. Right next to my World Series ring and the Oscar for Best Actor in a Supporting Role, 1997.

GUEST: And this Pulitzer with Art Buchwald’s name on it?

ME: That’s my pen name.

GUEST: Why do you have a Tony Award? Tyne Daly??

ME: That’s my stage name.

GUEST: Rover? Best-in-Show?

ME: Um…that’s my pet name.

I got some definite negative vibes off all my ideas. But she said I could do it up as a tiki bar, if we win the Lotto. So, that’s progress. I don’t drink very much, and never entertain. But if I had a tiki bar…

Well, we got the demon-spawned entertainment center at Big Lots and commenced to putting the thing together. Whiny decided that, in spite of (or perhaps because of) our horrendous prior experience, he wanted to run the power tools (the electric screwdriver). At one point, he went to screw on a molding that was at an odd angle. So, he folded himself inside the frame of the lower cabinet in a manner not meant to be experienced by mortal man.

Of course, he got stuck.

We had to lift him out by his arms and legs. We almost dropped him, we were laughing so hard. But we declared victory on the demonaic tool of Satan (not the screwdriver, the cabinet), and went to bed, secure in the knowledge that we were the masters of cheap, ready-to-assemble furniture.

This morning, we noticed that instead of a left and a right, we got two right-hand doors for the damned thing.

It is mocking us.

I wonder if I can turn it into a tiki bar.

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5 Responses to Fun With Furnishings

  1. Ric The Schmuck says:

    I’m trying to envision your Whiny extraction…
    By the way, I have a cheap bar in my basement. I realize that this doesn’t surprise you…
    It’s pushed up against a wall, with lot’s of crap piled on top, so it isn’t exactly ready-to-use.
    I was going to sell it at our most recent yard sale (eeek, the words “yard sale” draw shudders from my puny frame) but as I surveyed the basement, and how I was going to get the darned thing out of said basement, I realized that I had assembled the darn thing downstairs. Which would mean that it would have to be disassembled in order to be removed, which was more work than the space gain would be worth. Sheesh.

  2. Annessa says:

    I wanna come live with you guys. I’d use the power tools. You should bet Whiny he can’t get back in that position, bet like five bucks, and this time, you should leave him there for a bit. And I’m thinking you should have a Samoan Pub, ala Snatch.

  3. brandelion says:

    the Samoan Pub instantly came to my mind, too. though it must be pointed out for the folks at home that the Samoan Pub is in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, not zee Snatch. harmless mistake.

    you could name it the Leaky Tiki. i’ll send you a string of parrot lights for the inauguration. (i SO want a bar like that! why wouldn’t the Mrs. let you? why? why? oh, the humanity!)

  4. I wasn’t stuck until they tried to move me themselves. And I could’ve gotten out without the risk of breaking my back by being dropped by two people who are too hysterical to realize what they’re doing.

    It was quite a fun experience actually. I like fitting into small spaces…at least ones that have an easy exit.

  5. batgrl says:

    Ok, I have no idea why you couldn’t have bought the black minibar thing and used it for books and nicknacks instead! With perhaps a few bar items and some tiki gear thrown in!

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