Sometimes I really miss my mother-in-law. She could be the sweetest, kindest soul one minute, give you anything you want (and then some)…and rip out your liver, leave it laying on the floor, go upstairs, put on her cleats, sharpen the cleats, come back downstairs and grind it into a fine pulp.
And then she’d kick the rest of your ass.
(Ejen? Kids? Am I wrong about grandma?)
Anyway, I’ve been reading about the moron Jehovah’s Witness1 that’s been harassing the Thursday Evil Overlord, Kat on her morning bus ride to work. Not content to take “quit it” for an answer, this moron has decided it will be his personal crusade to make her life hell.
Can I ax a question? How in the world do you think you’re going to save someone’s soul or turn them onto the paths of righteousness (or into a paying customer) by berating them in public? Hello? McFly?
So, Kat, as one of her two favorite sons-in-law, I am hereby authorizing you to use the following trademarked phrases that my dear, departed Helen might have (and probably did) use when visited by Mormon and other door-to-door salespersons for God:2
“Yes, I’m going to hell. And I’m taking you with me!”
“Jesus Christ! I already go to church. Leave me the hell alone!”
“I’m not giving you one damn penny!”
(Note: must be said before they even open their mouth to ask)
My favorite (and I actually saw this) was this scene, which I hope I can make you visualize properly:
*knock, knock, knock*
She quietly puts down the newspaper, goes to the door, opens it and–before they can say a word–with a resigned groan (think Indiana Jones when he hauls out the gun to shoot the big guy with the huge sword) she slams the door and returns, wordlessly, to reading the paper.
*sniff* I miss her.
1Please note that I am not condemning all Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons, either. Just the ones that profane Christ by hurting other people.
2This is, of course, subject to being overruled by her equally sweet, yet deadly, daughters. Sorry, I have no power over those three (no human does).