Morning Ritual

*sniff* Soon, my kids will be all growed up and gone. I’m gonna miss days like this…

5:30am – Stupid, damn, fricking alarm goes off. Hit it.
5:39am – Stupid, damn, fricking alarm goes off. Hit it.
5:48am – Stupid, damn, fricking alarm goes off. Decide to turn it off. Hit it for good measure.
5:50am – Get up. Stagger to kitchen. Realize that the kitchen is not the room to which you meant to go. Stagger to bathroom.
5:53am – Shuffle to kitchen. Start coffee. Contemplate the wonder that is coffee and praise every conceivable god for its presence here on Earth.
5:55am – Stare at coffee maker in a stupor until cats inform you that you haven’t fed them in the last five minutes by sinking their talons into your leg. Feed cats.
6:00am – First pass at waking kids. Gently suggest that, since it is now 6:00, they might consider getting up.
6:02am – Check e-mail.
6:04am – Make lunches. Discover that some key ingredient (say, bread) is missing. Find the missing ingredient right under your nose. Forget where you put the rest of the stuff.
6:07am – Check e-mail.
6:10am – Second pass at waking kids. Strongly urge them to get their asses out of bed. (Threats of physical violence optional.)
6:13am – Finish making lunches. Determine that lunch is not the most important meal of the day and vow never to make another lunch.
6:14am – Check e-mail.
6:15am – Third pass at waking kids. Rant about their staying up late blogging, chatting on IM, playing online games and watching cartoons. (Ignoring irony optional.)
6:17am – Grab first cup of coffee. Vow to become a devoted follower of the first religion that makes coffee its god. Check e-mail.
6:20am – Fourth pass at waking kids. Tell them it’s 7:00.
6:22am – Watch kids stagger out to kitchen… then to bathroom.
6:23am – Sit down to read blogs and check e-mail.
6:25am – Realize need for parental interaction with kids. Call kids damned, long-haired, liberal, hippy freak, Communist, feminist, terrorist bastards who ought to get jobs. (Leaving computer desk optional.)
6:30am – Yell from computer desk that everyone’s gonna be late!
6:37am – Realize that everyone’s already gone.
6:38am – Get another cup of coffee and check e-mail.

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13 Responses to Morning Ritual

  1. kat says:

    Sounds like my mornings. But you forgot to throw in one key phrase. Quit fighting! Quit touching! Quit it! Now!

  2. Les says:

    I can kinda relate, though I cheat and make my kid get out of bed before I do via a nifty alarm clock with two alarms and small hints that ignoring the second alarm would be hazardous to her health.

    Otherwise the rest of my morning routine is quite similar.

  3. jr says:

    Wow you only spend three minutes in the bathroom! It takes me longer that that to find the big white thing that hasn’t moved in like forever. And another 2 to decide if the lid is up.

  4. Etan says:

    Every single morning I set my alarm for 7am and wake up at 8:30am.

    I hate this.

  5. geeky says:

    you make your kids lunch? will you come to my house and make my lunch too? my mom started making us pack our own lunches in second grade!

  6. bran says:

    ees performance art, eet ees.
    *vows also to join church in which coffee is god*

  7. zee says:

    good. now i don’t feel quite as bad about my mornings. ;o)

  8. jcwinnie says:

    Now here is an example of the Power of Cybernetic Conversation, Solly. Didchano there already is a coffee hymn? Yep,

  9. Ric The Schmuck says:

    I did note the glaring absence of Mrs.R in that scenario.

    I would expect that were she to speak, the kiddies would be moving much quicker. Not that I’ve ever heard Mrs.R speak in such a manner, mind you….

    I bet she just waits for you to make the coffee before she get up.

  10. MJ says:

    You can make me lunch anytime! As for the church “Wherever two or more gather…”

    Say, something’s different here.. did you cut your hair? Lose some weight? I can’t put my finger on it.. I know, it’s the beard! Right?

  11. jools says:

    So you do check e-mails, but I kinda miss:
    See how jools is doing with the Rohan team. :p

  12. Susan says:

    Only 3 snooze hits? egads, I get a good hour of snooze hits.

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