Solonor Sez

Here’s a new feature of the Ink Well in which the author (who has been the answer to life, the universe and everything for almost two months now) will share his unending knowledge with his vast throng of readers.

Online Friends: A good idea? Or heartbreak waiting to happen?
One of the perils of having friends is losing them. (Yes, I am speaking hypothetically here, as it has been previously established that I have no friends.)

At least if your “real” friends (i.e., the ones whose fridges you raid) have the gall to get themselves hurt or killed, you’re likely to know about it within a day or two. You might even be able to visit them in the hospital. (A friend visits you in the hospital. A real friend apologizes for putting you there.)

But what about your online friends? If the same thing happens to them, what do you do?

Let’s say, for example, that you’re chatting with a friend (let’s call her “N”) via cell phone as she’s driving through Iowa in the middle of the night. Suddenly, she says “Oh shit!” and the line goes dead. To further compound things, let’s say you were just teasing her for driving while talking on a cell phone. You’re left sitting there wondering whether or not your friend has just become a speed bump for a passing semi, right?

And what if it were true? What if she really did wind up mangled in a ditch in the middle of the godforsaken Iowa prairie? Sure, her hubby (let’s call him “A”) is a nice guy and all, but is calling her imaginary pals going to be the first thing on his mind? No! It might take him weeks to even make a blog entry about it (assuming said spouse is a blogger in the first place!). And even then you probably won’t be invited able to attend the funeral.

Think about it. Simply put, these online relationships are not worth the emotional toll you’ll pay. For your own sanity, I strongly urge you to dump all of your online friends immediately.

And when they ask you why, tell them: ‘cuz Solonor sez.

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23 Responses to Solonor Sez

  1. kat says:

    Sol, did something happen? I know part of your post is all sarcastic and stuff but really, did something happen?
    I would never give any of you up no matter the hurt feelings that may come if something were to happen to any one.

    Whatever did happen, I hope it’s not as serious as your mind may be making it. I hope you get an answer soon. Keep calling that cell phone number.


  2. Solonor says:

    No, nothing’s actually wrong.

    I hope that people don’t think that if an actual emergency happened, I’d be making some sarcastic blog post about it. Or have I created a monster? Eep.

  3. geeky says:

    dear solonor –
    i have to break up with you. solonor said.

    love geeky

  4. Linkmeister says:

    Actually, for a while a couple of years ago (during the Z-List period…remember the Z-list?) there was a move afoot to create a “blog buddy” system wherein someone would have offline contact info so if a blogger disappeared that person would know how to find out wha’ hoppen.

  5. Jenn says:

    Tragic. I mean, I really liked you and everything. I read your site daily. I tell others to read you. You’re even an Orkut friend and everything. But really, it’s over. I thought it would be forever, but you’re totally being dumped. I have to.

    Solonor sez.

  6. Andy says:

    If it’s in Iowa, you wait an hour and call back. Always works for me! That corn has a microwave frequency that is so close to the US cell phone system (CDMA?) that it can jack with you. I know from experience.

  7. Lisa says:

    I totally can relate. I’ve had friends (online ones, in spite of your recommendation) who suddenly don’t post for a couple of days, and I do worry. I can’t imagine the feeling I’d have if I was on the phone with one who suddenly had the line go dead and not be able to call and check up on them!! How scary! I’ve seen, not too long ago as a matter of fact, what happens when a blogger dies and the community is left staggered by the loss. I’d worry if you just disappeared all of a sudden, for what it’s worth. My friends, online and off, matter to me. A lot.

  8. picklejuice says:

    Dear Solonor – if I had died in a cornfield in Iowa you can bet your bottom dollar that the first place I’d show up is in your pool with a couple of giant turtles in tow. Then I’d haunt you and smear my ectoplasm all over your pop-tarts.

    My phone is a piece of crap, I’m sorry! Then when I got home I forgot to charge it! And it’s not like you kept me informed of your non-death during the hurricane just cuz your stupid power was shut off.

    But fine then – FINE!!! – I’ll just have to drunk-chat someone ELSE from now on. You happy now, ya bastard?

    (Seriously, though? Sniff, dude. Sniff. I didn’t know you cared.)

  9. picklejuice says:

    And by the way, assmonkey – do YOU have my husband’s number so you COULD have called him and asked him about it. Some online friend YOU are, only sending him a generic “are you there?” text. You should have called him, related the story, and shared in one another’s panic for a few hours!

    That’s the only way to prove that you really love me. Oh wait – I forgot. We’re broken up now.

    I’m going to listen to Bobby Darin all night because of you.

  10. Solonor says:

    Who said I was talking about you? That the theoretical “N” and “A” just happen to have the same first names as you is pure coincidence.

    And I didn’t want to panic him, OK?? And I thought I had a chance to chat but got yanked off the IM before he could reply, OK??

    “Oh the shark, babe, has big teeth, dear…”

  11. domino says:

    You have a really good point there. It reminds me of the time…wait…OMG…Look at that…it’s huge…it’s coming right at……




  12. Solonor says:

    Ooh! That *is* a good point! What about “real” friends that have become “online” friends due to shifts in the configuration vis a vis the location of the raidable fridge? Should you dump them, too, just in case?

    I suspect so.

  13. domino says:

    PS. I always buried your vocal in the mix.

    And your guitar too.



  14. nefarious says:

    I am *so* done with you. Next time you are in Dallas, don’t even bother calling. We are broken up. I’m sorry.. I know I owe you a beer.. but you said I had to do it. Your loss. 😛

  15. robyn says:

    This is all because I made you sit by the animatronic gorilla, isn’t it?

  16. Lisa says:

    In a bit of random irony, one of my online friends recently went missing. Turns out now that she’s reappeared we found out she (along with her husband and year-old daughter) actually WAS in a very bad auto accident and was hospitalized for three days. So, it happens! Thank you for your very timely message.

  17. etherian says:

    The majority of my friends are all online, so I’ll take the risk. Now who put glue in your porridge? jeez….

  18. jadedju says:

    I think this is a lesson in going through life with no attachments of any kind. No friends, whether online or off. More importantly, family is really a bit troublesome–what with all the worrying they require. I think that this post is your secret cry for help. Think about it. You want us to rescue you from the Rasreth clan.

  19. Ric The Schmuck says:

    You can try to be rid of me, like scraping the gunk off the bottom of your shoe…but like those damn styrofoam peanuts, I just won’t go away.

    I like to think of that as one of my more endearing qualities.

  20. Busy Mom says:

    Did you say something?

  21. Bill says:

    Does this mean you’re not going to buy me dinner now?

  22. Solonor says:

    Bill, ours is strictly a business relationship. If I do get to Montreal, I will keep my commitment in the interest of U.S.-Canada relations.

    Plus, I want my pity date, dammit!

  23. Sibeal says:

    Does this mean you’re breaking up with us, or we’re breaking up with you?

Comments are closed.