The final war will be between Pavlov’s dog and Schroedinger’s Cat

OK, well, when you actually try to think of these things, they don’t come to you. So, I’ll just start the list here and update this post when they do.

Some most of these things won’t make sense to anyone outside a small group of folk. I’ll try to explain their source, but I’m afraid they’re going to lose their magic powers, and we’re all going to get sucked into a black hole (by half-steps). Oh well.

There are the obvious ones, of course:

A: Surely, you jest?
B: No. And don’t call me Shirley.

A: Eeek! A spider (or other icky creature).
B: What’s it going to do? Nibble your bum?

A: Ugh. I just got over a bad cold.
B: I’m not dead! I think I’ll go for a walk! I feel happy…

Then, there are the obscure ones:

Upon getting dirty (especially the hands), one must cry: “See these hands? They smell like gas!”
This is from a local gas station ad from Maine.

Upon winning (or losing) any kind of game, especially if it involves money, you yell (in a thick Maine accent): “FIVE dollahs!”
Another local ad, this one for the lottery.

More as the days wear on…

UPDATE (6/28, 8:02pm)
Let’s deal with the list provided by Mr. Ric T. Schmuck, shall we?

Like I said, these will make no sense to you, even after I try to explain them. What’s more, I’ll probably get something wrong, and Mr. Schmuck will be all over it. But if you want to know the secret handshake, you have to try and muddle through, ok?

“Xylitol!” (also known as “Liza there, Minnelli!”)
Sit back. This is a long one…

See, we’re from Maine. And Maine people talk funny (Actually, it’s people “from away” that talk funny, but we’ll go with the picture you “outta statahs” are familiar with.) One thing that Maine people are not known for is their long-windedness (bite me). So, why say, “Yes, absolutely, I agree with you wholeheartedly, my good chap!” when a short sigh and nod or the stereotypical “ayuh” will do?

But some people talk funnier than others, even in Maine. And when we were in high school, we urbane few who had no discernable accent (bite me) made fun of those hicks who possessed more than their fair share of the local dialect. In particular, there were a few who combined the nasal twang of the under-edumacated with the distinctive slur of the self-medicated (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). So, most of the time, instead of “ayuh” it sounded like “yizer” or “yizah”… which we morphed into “liza” and, thus, “Liza there, Minnelli!”

Xylitol is an artificial sweetener that was promoted in chewing gum ads. (“Now with xylitol!”) It just naturally flows from the above etymology.

“…with his Long and Mighty Sword”
Again, you need to say this with a thick Maine accent. This comes from a radio-type parody we did of the movie Clash of the Titans (aka, “Clash of the Cretins”). “With his long and mighty sword that has struck down many a manly men…” This isn’t used so much outside the medieval fantasy rpg table (or watching “Braveheart”).

“Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink.”
Say no more…

“So there you have it.”
I’m not quite sure where this one came from, and we don’t use it that often anymore. It’s mainly the emphatic period on the end of a sentence after the pregnant pause with your audience staring at you like you have two heads… kinda like you’re doing now…

“Hotel-Motel Time!”
Skowhegan Motor Inn. Good times. We played there a few times, and when they wanted to clear the place out, this big, mean woman would yell, “Hotel-Motel Time! Drink up and get out! I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here!” This came almost immediately after the traditional playing of The Rodeo Song on the jukebox. Ohhh, it’s forty below and I don’t give a fuck. Got a heater in my truck, and it’s off to the rodeo…

“Denny’s. Open all night, till 11.”
Before we were whiskey rock-a-rollers, we were debate team nerds (bite me). Very often, we would go on trips, and we’d be looking for a late-night supper on our way home or while parked at our remote locale. Every town has a Denny’s. Every Denny’s has a sign that says, “Open All Nite!” A great many of them close at 11, in spite of their sign…

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4 Responses to The final war will be between Pavlov’s dog and Schroedinger’s Cat

  1. Sherri says:

    There’s another, source unknown.

    “For you? FIVE dallahs!” (in hoky middle eastern or oriental accent)

  2. Ric The Schmuck says:


    “…with his Long and Mighty Sword”

    “Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink.”

    “So there you have it.”

    “Hotel-Motel Time!”

    “Never tell me the odds.”

    “Denny’s. Open all night, till 11.”

  3. brandelion says:

    Ah’ was with ya up’n’til them ‘Mayne’ bits. ya lost me. but Ah like yer style, Mister. *spit*

    ‘Spec Ah’m gonna mosey on thru them ar-kives of your’n and take a peek at what Ah might’a missed. *spit*

  4. susan says:

    “I want my 2 dollars”

    can I go out with you and the family? I need a night of laughing so much that I can hardly breath.

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