Our Australian friends, Xade and Jo are in crisis. The nightmare scenario for monkeys the world over has occurred. Cyclone Larry has devastated the banana crop, and it is illegal to import bananas. It could be four years before they see another banana.
This is serious, people. According to this list of medicinal uses of bananas, we can expect Aussies to become anemic, constipated, depressed, hungover, nervous, and suffering from hypertension, heartburn, morninng sickness, PMS, and lowered IQ’s!
We need to take steps to isolate the entire island (continent?, pfeh, whatever) before the waves of immigrants coming to America to escape the Great Australian Banana Famine of ’06 overwhelm us. Our cities will be filled with Aussie ghettos with their shrimp on the barbie and their didgeridoo music infecting our youth. (I’ve been to Outback Steakhouse, and I have seen Crocodile Dundee a couple of times. I know what I’m talking about!)
And before you liberals start up about how we should welcome the destitute from Downunder, it doesn’t say “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to eat bananas…” on the Statue of Liberty. Besides, they’ll be coming from the wrong direction, so they won’t even see it. If we pretend it’s not there, then they won’t even know about the invitation.
So, Xade, while I mourn for your offspring and their banana-less lunches, I’m sorry, but there is no room for your kind here in America.
Well, we do have a spare bedroom, but you totally can’t stay for more than a month.