Whiny the Elder is now contributing to the blog…may God have mercy upon our souls…
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I dunno, it just kinda happened…
There is nothing to be typing about. Why am I typing? Because, I have no life.
There once was a man from Nantucket…
No way! There are no men in Nantucket. There are only women.
I am sure men would like to live in Nantucket. Unfortunately, men are not allowed there. If they are found there, they will be captured. If they are captured, then they will have electrodes attached to their testicles and have their heads shaved. Then, they will be sent to the squirrel pit. (The name “Squirrel Pit” is really quite misleading, because the Nantucketians keep any rodent in there, as long as it is irate and rabid.)
So anyway, they are thrown into the “Squirrel Pit”–nude–which wouldn’t make much of a difference to them, if only the rodents weren’t fed on hot dogs…Well, its not a pretty picture.
The women of Nantucket worship cheese. Hence, there are a lot of cows there.
The reason they worship cheese is because it comes from cows, which are sacred to people in India, but not in China. (In China, they are eaten pretty damn quick!) Anyway, cheese is sacred to them because it represents the circle of life:
Cows give milk.
Milk becomes cheese.
Cheese is eaten by rats.
Rats are eaten by dung monkeys.
Dung monkeys are eaten by bigger dung monkeys.
Bigger dung monkeys are eaten by the women of Nantucket.
And a yearly human sacrifice is made to the cows by the women of Nantucket.
The women of Nantucket believe that if they do not sacrifice one woman a year to each cow then they will not give milk. Thus, no cheese–breaking the circle of life shown above. So, they do this without question.
Which brings up another point. One question you should never ask in Nantucket is, “What about goat cheese? Isn’t that eaten by rats too?”
Most likely, if you ask this question, you will be thrown to the cows. After all, goat cheese is sacrilegious…
For some reason (even though they live with only women and sacrifice hundreds of themselves every year), the women of Nantucket are growing in number. They have plans to take over Wisconsin.
Once they accomplish this, they are going to move all of Nantucket to the center of Wisconsin, and from there execute the rest of their evil plan of world domination.
They are going to use Wisconsin as a breeding ground for their army of irate and rabid rodents.
Stop the Nantucketians before it is too late!
The Squirrels, THE SQUIRRELS!!!
Posted in Strangeness
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How do you do?
And now…
A rant…
I don’t know what the hell you people think I should do!
If you don’t tell me what to do I end up writeing these stupid rants! Jeeze!
Thank you.
You may now continue your regularly scheduled programming…
So, I’m walking down the street, and my friend walks up to me and says, “How do you do?”
Of course, I am quite confused.
How do I do what?
Feed purple alfalfa to rabid monkeys in public places?
Destroy the ecosystem with my mad experiments?
Keep so healthy while destroying my body with mind expanding drugs?
Get stoned, dress up like Cher, kill a man and then dump his lifeless body in the reservoir?
“Very well, thank you.”
And off we go on our separate ways.
Posted in Strangeness
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Welcome to the Wireless World
You thought you felt the earth tilt yesterday. It wasn’t your imagination. The equilibrium of everything shifted. Because, believe it or not, as geeky as I am, I have never owned a cell phone–until now. That’s right. I’ve finally made it into the Nineties!
It’s not that I am technophobe. Hell, no! If it’s a gadget, I gotta fiddle with it. I’m the guy that turns on all the noise-making toys in Wal-Mart…
A combination of factors lead to my cell-less state:
1. I ain’t that rich. Cell phones are not very expensive. But when your credit card bills makes Uncle Sam go: “Damn! Interest on the debt, my ass!” there’s not much room for extras.
2. I’ve been stuck with a pager before. In the list of “been there, done that’s”, this one’s the worst.
“Mmm, that’s one good looking Thanksgiving turkey….” BEEP!
“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy…” BEEP!
“O.K. The baby’s finally asleep…” BEEP!
3. Mrs. Rasreth–the most wisest, kindest, lovingest person in the entire world–doesn’t like them. (See items 1 and 2.)
Unfortunately for our fight to remain cell free, Whiny the Elder goes to a technology magnet school that is some miles away from home. After the third trek to pick him up from an after school activity to which he did not go, Mrs. R started to see the benefits a handy phone might provide. Also, we have lived in our house long enough to dig into a different kind of debt (one that doesn’t involve triple-digit interest compounded by the nanosecond).
When she declined to join my daughter and me at the Mall (“Dad, the Neopets merchandise is out!”), I smelled my chance. She knew it, too. According to later reports, we were not five minutes out the door when she sighed, “He’s gonna come back with some expensive electronic device.” I am soooo predictable…
We returned with Neopets merchandise and cell phones (yes, two of them…hey, they were FREE!). It only took a half hour support call to get one of them to work (a great start)….but I already have mine set to ring “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”.
Life is good.
Posted in Life, the Universe and Everything
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A Cultural Event
Yesterday, we decided to break out of the rut. Instead of trying to find a movie that Mrs. Rasreth and the 1/4-elves could all agree on (something I am sure every parent of a 15-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl just love to do), we decided to ::gasp:: do something cultural!
I know what you’re thinking. “You live in Orlando. You have all kinds of stuff to do!”
It is true. Orlando is one of the cornerstones of high art (Disney, um, Disney….uh…Universal…um…Disney). But like most middle class Americans, we stick to the basics: TV, Playstation, Computer, the Mall…and movies.
Those last two require us to go out and mingle with polite society, so we don’t do them very often (“Get mama’s pryin’ bar! We’s gonna go to the moovies!”), but we also have discriminating tastes. And since there were no killer mutant movies playing this week (not counting Britney Spears), we were left to assay the possibilities of fine art.
Our first thought went to the UCF theater’s production of Damn Yankees. After all, it is Spring Training. And being a lifelong Red Sox fan, a show with “Damn Yankees” in the title sounded great!
Alas, they were sold out….
What’s the next thing you think of when your musical is sold out? Why a comedy club, of course! And we have just the place in this little town: SAK Comedy Lab. Saturday night they were running “Duel of Fools”–a “Who’s Line Is It, Anyway?” type of show, where two teams meet in a bloody improv match. It’s like “Battle Bots” for starving comics. (I don’t know if they were really starving, but we were asked not to feed them or risk having them follow us home.)
We started out the evening in grand fashion by pissing off Whiny the Elder…making him come home early from his friend’s house and ::gasp:: making him take a bath! Let the sulking begin….but as soon as the first improv bit hit, we were all over that, because it ended in a fistfight! Yeah! (Well…you see there was this Easter thing and the rock song guy got tangled up in his mike cord and started wrestling with the other guy and they ended up in a pile of bodies but it was all ok because one of them became Wonder Woman and the other was a saucy seagull before Darth Vader got on the boat and….umm…I guess you had to be there…)
Anyway, a good time was had by all.
Next time–Hamlet. (I hear they have some cool sword fights in that one!)
Posted in Carnival of the Vanities, Life, the Universe and Everything
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Patterns
When is the last time you examined the patterns in toast? I’m not talking about cute little things you say to your three-year-old (“Oh, look, bunnies!”)…but things like…Pat Sajak! I’m telling you, I live in a strange family…
For example, when was the last time you played hide-and-seek in Wal-Mart? Or jumped up and down to the tune of Napoleon XIV’s “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!”? Or sang four different Christmas carols at the top of your lungs…intentionally off-key…in a car?
In an argument the other day, my daughter and I resorted to using the insults hurled down upon King Arthur and his silly, English kn-ig-hts from the top of a castle wall–complete with outrageous French accent! “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!”
I’d be worried about this family…if it weren’t so darn fun!
Besides…those people aren’t staring at us…really….
Posted in Life, the Universe and Everything
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Um, is this thing on?
Well, I’ve finally done it…after 10 years of pondering, I have a web page.
Part of the problem is that I didn’t think I had anything to say. (Part of the problem is that I have too much to say.) My interests are varied–from baseball to computer technology to writing to playing guitar….There’s too much to keep up with! Hopefully, this thing will give me a place to stick all that stuff, and let others help me enjoy it.
So, here it is world….(Oh, and if you start a web site, don’t let your wife and teenage son name it for you. Solonor Rasreth is my favorite Dungeons & Dragons character from 20 years ago, fyi.)
Posted in Yo! Listen Up!
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