Monday, April 8th , 2052
What’s in a number? In baseball, just about everything.
The numbers that Bywater’s Esmeralda Bramble put up last week were the envy of the league, as Bramble came away with Shire Conference Player of the Week honors.
She belted out 13 hits in 22 at-bats, 1 home run and 7 RBIs last week as she posted his .591 batting average.
Sunday, April 7th , 2052
Weathertop Witch Kings third baseman Fay Gamgee wielded a big stick against the Isengard Raiders and her club walked off the field winners by the score of 15-11. Gamgee helped tame Isengard with 6 hits in 6 at-bats. Fay Gamgee hit a two-run double in the 1st, hit an RBI single in the 3rd, hit a two-run single in the 4th, hit a GRAND SLAM off Gundobad Alder-friend in the 6th, doubled in the 8th and singled in the 9th.
This year, Gamgee is hitting .444 with 2 home runs.
Tuesday, April 2nd , 2052
It was a banner day for Irene Knotwise, who collected her 2500th hit in the Grey Havens 5-4 win over Numenor. Knotwise went 2-for-5 in the game as both Stars and Kings fans cheered Knotwise when she reached base after her hit.
“It feels great to get #2500,” Knotwise said afterward, “especially since we won the game.”
In her career, Knotwise has played in 2195 games, batted .295 with 134 home runs and 2501 base hits.
Tuesday, April 2nd , 2052
Proving the old adage that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, the Kings announced today the acquisition of 25-year old LHP Robur Hardbottle and 22-year old minor league RHP Romuald Hatchett from the Dol Guldur Dragons in exchange for 26-year old 1B Friagol Crystalembers. “This isn’t the deal of the century,” acknowledged the Kings, “but we think it will improve the direction of both teams.”
In 385 career games Crystalembers has hit .273 with 224 hits, 37 home runs, 133 RBIs and scored 117 runs.
Hardbottle has a 11-13 won-lost record over his career with a 3.41 ERA. In 133 games he has recorded 41 saves and the 25-year-old has 156 strikeouts in 169 innings of work.
Listen up, whelps. The Middle Earth Sports Network (MESN) actually let an old boot like me off the graveyard shift to tell you how the Mordor Conference is shaking out for 2052. They’ve been using their fancy “nine-tool methodology”—chickens, tea leaves, and monkeys flinging things—to tell us what we already know: baseball in Mordor is a grind, and if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the Mountain.
I’ve looked at the reports, I’ve seen the Goblin Coin Flips (it landed on Heads/Wealth for us this year), and I’m here to tell you who’s actually got the iron to win.
Orc Division: Raiders, Dragons, and the “Devilish” Stars
The desks at MESN and OOTP actually agree for once: the Isengard Raiders are the top dogs. They’ve got the biggest wallet, and the Sacred Chickens are obsessed with Till Underhill’s grey hair.
Isengard Raiders: They spent an extra $27M this winter, and the Goblins love a spender when the coin comes up Heads. They are the consensus “team to beat.”
Dol Guldur Dragons: The defending champs have Torjus Nicolaescu, the best glove-man in the business according to the Dwarven Runes. But the smoke rings don’t like their hitter-suppressing park.
Dunharrow Devils (The Sleeper): OOTP thinks they’re bottom-feeders, but the Chickens laid six eggs on Rapu Vale’s photo. With Misagenes Foebinder still at the plate, they’ve got the raw star power to make some noise.
Misty Mountain Hops: The Predictor Monkey loves their young phenom Chae-ku Ogura, but the Tea Leaves and Chickens are still dwelling on last year’s 96 losses.
Goblin Division: A Disaster in the Making?
This is where the “experts” start fighting. OOTP thinks the Dagorlad Disaster will run away with it, but MESN has them dead last.
Lothlorien Lumberjacks: MESN’s top pick. The Tea Leaves formed a perfect ring around their logo, and the Runes consider Elluin *Engwyn’s glove to be sacred. They’ve also got a massive $189M payroll to throw around.
Ravenhill Darkwings (The Sleeper): They cut payroll and lost nineteen players, but the Bumps Chart found a “tactical ridge” on manager Rark the Sly that has the phrenologists excited.
Numenor Kings: A consensus middle-of-the-pack team. The Crystal Ball saw their closer warming up in the “wrong direction,” which isn’t exactly a vote of confidence for the bullpen.
Dagorlad Disaster: They’ve got the talent, but the Crystal Ball and Smoke Rings think they’re headed for the cellar. The Sacred Chickens were unimpressed, laying only two eggs and calling it a day.
Troll Division: Slayers, Witches, and Hexagons
OOTP wants to crown the Weathertop Witch Kings, but MESN is sticking with the defending champs, the Minas Morgul Slayers.
Minas Morgul Slayers: Seven of the nine tools have them at the top. The Phrenologist spent forty minutes on skipper Mimosa Willow’s cranium and decided it was built for bullpen management.
Weathertop Witch Kings: They lost $42M in payroll, and the Goblins haven’t forgiven them for it. The Predictor Monkey won’t even look at their board.
Dead Marshes Uruk-hai (The Sleeper): The Chickens laid eggs in a “tidy hexagon” for this squad—the most emphatic Troll Division pick in years. Ugak *the Masher is still the most feared bat in the conference.
Grey Havens Stars: The Monkey likes their stars, but the Tea Leaves showed “no shape” and the Bumps Chart put their manager in last place.
Posted inLeague News|Comments Off on Mordor Conference 2052 Outlook: The Grunt Work
Reported by your humble Shire Correspondent for MESN
Hullo, sports fans! It’s your newest recruit here at the Middle Earth Sports Network (MESN), and I’ve been given the monumental task of breaking down the 2052 Shire Conference outlook. After weeks of shadowing the phrenologists and dodging the Predictor Monkey (he’s a biter!), I’ve got the inside scoop on who’s looking “ascendant” and who’s just clumps in the tea leaves.
Our nine-tool methodology is in, the Sacred Chickens have been fed, and the Goblin Coin has been flipped (it’s a Tails/Efficiency year, folks!). Here is how the Shire is shaping up:
Elf Division: The Merry Fellows and the “Bumpy” Road to the Top
The consensus is in: the Old Forest Merry Fellows are the team to beat. With Pandora Baecker returning and the addition of Tusdar Aelorothi to the rotation, they secured eight out of nine first-place votes from our tools. The only holdout? The Phrenologist’s Bumps Chart, which is currently obsessed with the tactical ridges of the competition.
Minas Tirith Titans: They’ve undergone a massive $58M payroll cut, yet the Bumps Chart ranks them first overall because manager Cedrick Elesserio’s skull is apparently a tactical masterpiece.
Mirkwood Sylvan (The Sleeper): Despite 91 losses last year, the Zodiac is in love with 21-year veteran DeForest *Hamrh. With the leanest payroll in the division, they are the “efficiency” darlings of the Goblins.
Moria Miners: The tools are fighting over Moria. The Dwarven Runes glow for their defense, but the Tea Leaves are still bitter about last year’s losing record. (Also, I’ve been told to remind everyone that Moria is not in the Mordor Conference!)
Hobbit Division: The Year of the Egg
If the Elf Division is about head-bumps, the Hobbit Division is about breakfast. The Bywater Bounders are MESN’s top pick, almost entirely because the Sacred Chickens laid a record four eggs on Apple Pip *Puttifoot’s locker photo.
Carrock Bears: OOTP loves them by seventeen games, and almost all our tools—Monkey, Zodiac, and Crystal Ball—agree. But the Chickens found their “veteran mass” lacking, and the Goblins hate their $40M contract for Sudeep Blunt.
Bucklebury Fairies (The Wildcard): Our instruments are malfunctioning here. The Tea Leaves and Runes have them in first, while the Chickens and Goblins have them dead last.
Lake Town Archers: The Goblins alone rank them first because they admire the $140M payroll, regardless of the 4.45 ERA.
Dwarf Division: Steady Runes and Restless Goblins
In the Dwarf Division, we actually have some rare agreement! Both MESN and OOTP have the Rivendell Royals taking the crown.
Rivendell Royals: The Dwarven Runes gave a steady, confident glow for this squad. They are the model of continuity, though the Goblins are grumbling about paying $15M for a .220 average.
Minas Ithil Wyrms: They boast the best raw star power according to the Zodiac, and the Predictor Monkey actually gestured toward their logo instead of biting it.
Bree Cheese (The Sleeper): MESN is much higher on the Cheese than OOTP is. Why? Manager Ishnakh the Tearer has “pronounced tactical bumps” above his left ear, and the Goblins love their $25M payroll reduction.
Erebor Eagles: It’s looking grim for the Eagles. After losing $57M in payroll and a dozen players, the Sacred Chickens declined to lay even a single egg on their grain pile.
Posted inLeague News|Comments Off on Shire Conference 2052: Bumps, Birds, and Baseball!
The 2052 season is upon us, and if you believe MESN’s composite, the Shire holds a marginal edge over Mordor. Personally, I’ve seen enough “marginal edges” to know they usually end up in the gutter by mid-July.
The Institutional Knowledge
The lead story isn’t a contender; it’s Tom Bombadil. He’s starting his fortieth consecutive season at the helm of the Old Forest Merry Fellows. The Head Bumps Chart—after a long afternoon of “palpating” the managerial cohort—found Bombadil’s tactical region “remarkably unchanged since 2012”. I’ve outlasted most of the general managers in this league, and so has he.
Around him, the league looks like a daycare. Sixteen of twenty-four dugouts are run by rookies. Then you have Mikee the German over at the Dead Marshes, entering year twenty with a manager rating of 20. The Bumps Chart confirmed the number twice and then asked not to be shown again. Lord Panda’s thirty-year tenure at Grey Havens (rating: 36) rounds out a group of skippers who apparently have photos of their owners in compromising positions.
Follow the Galleons
Minas Tirith took a $58 million haircut this offseason, the largest payroll drop in the league. Meanwhile, the Lothlorien Lumberjacks went the other way, adding $27 million to sit on a $189 million throne.
The Goblin Coin Flip landed heads this year. Translation: Wealth, not efficiency, will win out in 2052. Bad news for Bree Cheese, who spent like kings and finished four games under .500.
Milestone Watch & Oddities
The aging-stars list reads like a roll call from a decade ago. Ferdinand “Apple Pip” Puttifoot is 41 and sitting 26 homers away from 1,000. He’s still the central figure of the MESN award slate, though the Predictor Monkey famously pushed Puttifoot’s logo off the board in a fit of rage.
The Name Game: We have five Bridgers and five Manthrottlers on rosters this year. The Dagorlad Disaster roster includes a Manthrottler, a Bridger nephew, a Brandybuck, and two Gardeners. Smoke rings drifted toward their clubhouse for forty seconds—a “sustained protest” or approval? Your guess is as good as the pipe-weed handler’s.
The Gandalf Race: Darrick Hafer (Shire) and Ibpug the Badger (Mordor) are your favorites. They received a twelve-second pecking ovation from the Sacred Chickens—the most decisive avian endorsement on record.
The 2052 Award Slate
AWARD
WINNER
Aragorn MVP
Apple Pip Puttifoot
Sam Gamgee (Batter)
Apple Pip Puttifoot
Gwaihir (Reliever)
Por the Crusher
Frodo Rookie
Myronthilar Thrilmang
Posted inLeague News|Comments Off on State of the League: 2052
By: “The Old Scorekeeper,” MESN Senior Reporter (fueled entirely by Old Toby and spite)
Disclaimer: The following data comes from the “Out of the Park” (OOTP) simulation engine—a series of mechanical tubes and gears that lacks a soul. The REAL MESN predictions—compiled via our patented process of Dwarven rune-casting, Sacred Chicken pecking, Pipe-weed smoke ring interpretation, Goblin gold coin flips, and our Predictor Monkey (who is currently flinging feces at a board of team logos with terrifying accuracy)—will follow shortly. For now, let’s see what the “math” thinks.
The “Geriatric” Home Run Derby: 964 vs 963
The headline story is, quite literally, ancient. We are witnessing a power struggle between two players who were likely around when the Second Age ended. Every reporter from the Grey Havens to the Sea of Rhûn has their eyes on one number: 965.
Ferdinand “Apple Pip” *Puttifoot (Bywater Bounders): 964 Career HRs
Forerunner *Baggins (Ravenhill Darkwings): 963 Career HRs
It’s the “Battle of the Gouty Knees.” They are 400 homers ahead of anyone else. The next active player, Giden Eladriewen, is so far behind he’d need another three lifetimes to catch up. If either of these legends hits a walk-off this year, the medical staff is under strict orders to check for a pulse before they reach home plate. This may be the final ride for both of them; the rivalry between these Hobbit power-hitters defines the split between the Shire’s DH-heavy game and the grueling, pitcher-focused Mordor Conference.
The Bugsmasher Blood-Feud
The most visceral rivalry this season isn’t between cities, but within a single, jagged family tree.
In the Shire Conference:Blurlug “T Rex” Bugsmasher (LF, Carrock Bears). T Rex provides the muscle for the reigning champs. With a nickname like that, you’d expect him to have short arms, but he’s snagging everything in the gap with a predatory hunger that makes opposing baserunners reconsider their life choices.
In the Mordor Conference:Snuknogh “Warrior” Bugsmasher (P, Minas Morgul Slayers). The Warrior is projected for 17 wins and a microscopic 2.40 ERA.
Holiday dinners at the Bugsmasher pit are less about “passing the gravy” and more about dodging the cutlery. If Snuknogh gives up a lead, T Rex doesn’t just mention his ERA—he likely tells him his arm is as weak as a sickly Hobbit’s cough and that his mother should have left him in the sun to dry out. In a lineage of world-enders, T Rex treats his brother like an embarrassment who’d be better suited for lace-making than pitching, suggesting Snuknogh is a bigger stain on the clan than an Orc who enjoys Elven poetry and sleeps on a feather mattress.
Shire Conference: Can the Bears Repeat?
The Carrock Bears (97-65 projected) enter as the reigning champions. For years, they were the “never-weres,” but since 2037, they’ve become a real contender.
The Pitching Wall
The Bears’ success rests on the shoulders of Sudeep “Rattlesnake” Blunt, a pitcher from unknown lands whose arm seems to have no limits. Projected for a 2.93 ERA, he is the most feared man on the mound. Backed by the local hero Sam *Oakenstaff, the Shire’s Golden Boy, and T Rex, they are a defensive wall.
Division Spotlight: The Elf Division War
The Old Forest Merry Fellows (95-67 projected) are the class of the conference. With Alrond “Supremacy” *Hubbard, Jr. at DH and the veteran Debur Sillinsson in the infield, they have the most balanced lineup. Their rivalry with the Mirkwood Sylvan remains heated; star shortstop Dejahlla Nightmeadow takes the field, expect sparks—the Sylvan live only to spoil Old Forest’s dreams.
Mordor Conference: The Toughness Factor
Mordor hasn’t won an All-Star game since the mid-2040s. Without the DH, every manager has to be a master tactician.
The Witch Kings’ Quest
The Weathertop Witch Kings (projected 93-69) have been waiting since 2003 (when they were the Valinor Vandals) to return to the Return of the King Series. This might be their year. They are hungry and disciplined, lording it over a Troll Division where Minas Morgul usually reigns supreme.
The Titleless Four: The Weight of the Ring
Four franchises have never felt the weight of a championship ring on their fingers:
Weathertop Witch Kings: The closest hope for a title in years.
Minas Tirith Titans: Relying on Blogzug Mandragger and Fieryat Earora to pull off an upset.
Grey Havens Stars: Facing a tough climb, looking for Myronthilar Thrilmang to find his old magic.
Lake Town Archers: The league’s most tragic story. Eighteen playoff appearances, zero titles. Projected at 69 wins, the “Curse of the Bard” continues.
The Reporter’s Choice: Impact Players
Ugak “Smokey” *the Masher (Dead Marshes): Projected for a league-leading .342 average.
Oltina Bellas (Rivendell): The ace of the Royals’ rotation. A workhorse.
Xandra “Thistle” *Thornflower (Minas Morgul): The heart of the Slayers’ offense.
Hyeon-cheong “The Rebel” Alejadre (Dagorlad): Projected for an 18-win season and a 2.64 ERA.
Posted inLeague News|Comments Off on SEASON 50: GOLDEN JUBILEE OR GOLDEN MESS?
Monday, April 8th , 2052
Monday, April 8th , 2052
Monday, April 8th , 2052
Sunday, April 7th , 2052
Tuesday, April 2nd , 2052
Tuesday, April 2nd , 2052